Jokes, Jokes, and more jokes !!!

[RudeDawg]

An Indian, a Rabbi, the Pope, an Italian, and an Irishman all walk into a bar together and sit down. The bartender looks at all 5 of them and says,
"What is this... some kind of joke?"

Airplane flying, develops engine trouble. Crew does everything possible to retain altitude. Toss extra baggage, jettison fuel, etc.
Navigator claims, "If we could lose another 500 pounds, we'll make it".
Captain asks for volunteers to jump from plane to certain death, the ultimate humanitarian gesture. 4 guys go to the back of the plane: an Englishman, a Mexican, a Frenchman, and a Texan.
The captain says, "Only 3 of you have to go."
Englishman pushes all aside and exclaims, "Long live the King," and jumps to a certain death.
Not to be outdone, the Frenchman shouts, "Vive la France," and jumps.
Seeing this, the Texan yells, "Remember the Alamo," and tosses the Mexican out!

A Rabbi performing circumcisions for 40 years, decides to do some spring cleaning. He goes to one of his closets and finds jars and jars of the circumsized tips that he has saved for 40 years.
He says to himself "Wow, what am I going to do?" He finally realizes that he can make some money from this, and decides to take the "tips" and turn them into wallets.
The next week, he goes to the flea market with all the wallets and an old lady approaches the booth. She picks up the wallet and says "Wow, this feels great, beautiful wallet. How much?"
Rabbi says "$100 dollars."
She says "No way, why so much for a wallet?"
Rabbi says "No, it's not just a wallet. You see, when you rub it for a while, it turns into a briefcase."

A man comes home from work and searches the house for his wife... He finds her stark naked in front of the mirror admiring her breasts.
He asks her, "What the hell are you doing?"
She promptly informs him that she had seen the doctor that day and he told her she had the breasts of a 25-year-old!
"Oh, he did, did he?" asks the husband. "What did he say about your 50-year-old a**?"
She quickly replied, "Your name never came up!"

I hope nobody's


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[Sazerac]

ROFLMAO!!!!!!

That last one was actually taken from a real anecdote from President Franklin Roosevelt and his wife Eleanor. After Eleanor came home from the doctor one day after a checkup, President Roosevelt asked her what the doctor had said about "that fat @$$ of yours"? She looked at him and without batting an eye said, "He never mentioned your name once."

Good for Eleanor!

[RudeDawg]

Originally posted by Sazerac: ROFLMAO!!!!!! That last one was actually taken from a real anecdote from President Franklin Roosevelt and his wife Eleanor.

Really?!?! Too Cool... I'm a contributor to edumacation!


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[caleb]

A sailor and a priest were playing golf. The sailor took his first shot missed and said, "F***, I missed." Surprised, the priest replied, "Don’t use that kind of language or god will punish you." The sailor took aim and hit his shot second shot. Again he missed and under his breath the said, "I f***’n missed again." The priest overheard and replied, "My son, please don’t use that language or god will punish you." The sailor took his third shot and once again he couldn’t help mutter, "Oh f***…" The priest said, "That’s it god will certainly punish you." Suddenly a bolt of lightning came down and killed the priest. In the distance a deep voice said, "F***, I Missed".



[This message has been edited by caleb (edited 06-06-2001).]

[RudeDawg]

I love that one, caleb...
but, you MAY want to edit before a mod-god sees...

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[Sazerac]

True, Caleb. Edit it and use ** in the place of the middle letters. Everyone will still get the drift.

And it WAS funny, BTW!

[ogopogo]

Here is one kinda old but crack me up...
The wife of a man is standing infront of the mirror examining her breasts. The husband asks "what are you doing?" She says "I have small breasts and I wish they would grow." He says "every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between your breasts and they will grow." wife "will that really work?" Husband "It worked for your ass didn't it."

[sageridder]

What is it that,
a chicken surely can't do
a duck probally can't do
a swan...well a swan has a long neck maybe it could do it
and a lawyer should do every single time?


Take his bill and stick it up his a§$.


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Trust is indeed a shiny jewel,set in the stone of friendship.And much like any other stone can be use to crush the skulls of those unsuspecting.To clear the path for me to claim my rightfull place as master of all I survey.
..........O,_
......_.L.=\_:
~~(_)==(_)

[This message has been edited by sageridder (edited 06-05-2001).]

[adam warlock]

The following are actual signs seen across the good ol' U.S.A.

At gas eateries through the nation: Eat here and get gas.

At a Santa Fe gas station: We will sell gasoline to anyone in a glass container.

In a New York restaurant: Customers who consider our waitresses uncivil ought to see the manager.

On the wall of a Baltimore estate: Trespassers will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law. --Sisters of Mercy

On a long-established New Mexico dry cleaners: 38 years on the same spot.

In a Los Angeles dance hall: Good clean dancing every night but Sunday.

In a Florida maternity ward: No children allowed.

In a New York drugstore: We dispense with accuracy

On a New Hampshire medical building: Martin Diabetes Professional Ass.

In the offices of a loan company: Ask about our plans for owning your home.

In a New York medical building: Mental Health Prevention Center

On a New York convalescent home: For the sick and tired of the Episcopal Church.

On a Maine shop: Our motto is to give our customers the lowest possible prices and workmanship.

At a number of military bases: Restricted to unauthorized personnel.

On a display of "I love you only" valentine cards: Now available in multi-packs.

In the window of a Kentucky appliance store: Don't kill your wife. Let our washing machine do the dirty work.

In a funeral parlor: Ask about our layaway plan.

In a clothing store: Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks.

In a Tacoma, Washington men's clothing store: 15 men's wool suits, $10. They won't last an hour!

On a shopping mall marquee: Archery Tournament -- Ears pierced

Outside a country shop: We buy junk and sell antiques.

In the window of an Oregon store: Why go elsewhere and be cheated when you can come here?

In a Maine restaurant: Open 7 days a week and weekends.

On a radiator repair garage: Best place to take a leak.

In the vestry of a New England church: Will the last person to leave please see that the perpetual light is extinguished.

In a Pennsylvania cemetery: Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own graves.

On a roller coaster: Watch your head.

On the grounds of a public school: No tresspassing without permission.

On a Tennessee highway: When this sign is under water, this road is impassable.

Similarly, in front of a New Hampshire car wash: If you can't read this, it's time to wash your car.

And apparently, somewhere in England in an open field otherwise untouched by human presence, there is a sign that says "Do not throw stones at this sign."

[Nostron]

LOL... ahhh okay just wanted to express my emotion

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That's just my opinion, I could be wrong.