Getting a date for Valentine's Day (or any other holiday) (long)

[SSJ4Sephiroth]

This was taken from www.wehateyou.com

As Valentine’s Day inches ever closer, one might wonder what to do in order to make sure that their loved one will be content. Quite simply, Hallmark has gone out of its way to make sure that Valentine’s Day is the most romantic day of the year, and if you have nobody to spend it with then you are obviously some sort of loser who should commit suicide. Knowing this, one realizes that they should do anything that they possibly can in order to not be alone on this day, as being alone on the most romantic shopping day of the year means that you will be beaten about the head with that fact. This is one of those things that most businesses have a great ability to do, mainly because buying your significant other various thingamajigs is one of those time honored traditions that have been in effect ever since the greeting card companies gained a monopoly on creating holidays.
Well, since Valentine’s Day is the most romantic day of the year, you are now pretty much required to find a boyfriend/girlfriend for the sheer reason that if you were to be alone on this day the evil Valentine’s Day Greeting Card Robot Killing Squad will come to your house and turn your body into a pink powdered substance not unlike some sort of meat-flavored romantic pink snow. This is Hallmark’s new way of gaining more money out of the day that made them a giant horrid paper empire. Honestly, only so many people are going to get well soon before they die, and then the people get the, “We’re sorry for your loss” cards and that’s that. Valentine’s Day is a whole different ballgame, as not buying a card on this day will cause every single female and gay man on the planet to find you and loathe you for the next 24 hours. That part isn’t too bad, the bad part is when they call the Hallmark Militia who release the evil Valentine’s Day Greeting Card Robot Killing Squad, who will come after you with some love and some rockets and eliminate you with extreme prejudice. Knowing this, Valentine’s Day becomes a lot higher on someone’s priorities list, because I know that I’m willing to pay greeting card money for my life.

Well, now that we know the consequences of not celebrating the most capitalist holiday of the year, we need to find ways to get out of that dreaded robot killing. Of course, you might be some kind of sick freak who gets off on robots killing you, but the rest of us aren’t as lucky to have that certain fetish. Due to this, we need to find significant others in order to keep living, because living certainly kicks ass. Now that we have our priorities straight, we have to realize that hunting for someone to spend Valentine’s Day with is a lot like hunting a bear with no fur, and also that the bear is smaller than an average bear and most likely it won’t try and eat you. Knowing this, we must realize that in order to hunt a bear you need a few essential items; a gun, some bait, and the ability to run really fast when you miss the bear and it gets pissed at you, deciding that you would make a lovely food product at the Bear Supermarket. Once again, unless you have some sort of bear eating fetish you most likely won’t want this to happen, so if you want to hunt your mate then you have to realize that you should be a very accurate shot. Of course, since I’m currently writing in the mode of the wacky best friend from a ‘80s teen comedy, this advice actually means, “Youse needs the chicks to scores.” It’s not the hardest thing to remember, which is probably why Curtis Armstrong got to be the wacky buddy in Better Off Dead.

Fortunately, most people who are alone on Valentine’s Day are easily swayed into being around you with minimal interference. This is normally due to the fact that they also hate being attacked by Hallmark’s evil robot tribe, and that they would most likely end up hanging around with you out of absolute fear if nothing else. This is truly a great thing, as it allows you to easily find a date with minimal trouble, and by date I don’t even have to mean date. Most lonely people work on Valentine’s Day, which means that all you have to do is go into a store and loiter for 12 hours. When the person working asks you, “What are you doing here? If you’re not going to buy something then leave.” they actually mean, “Oh my, I can’t believe that you wanted to help me live the attacks of the evil Hallmark Squad! I’m putting up this stern demeanor in order to seem like I care about my meaningless job, but all I really care about is consummating my relationship with the person that decided to add something to my life that was once empty!” Trust me, this is what they are really thinking, and when they kick you out of their place of business it’s because the robots have left and they don’t want their boss to fire them. They’ll come crawling back to you, and when they do they will be yours.

Unfortunately, one can’t always assume that someone hasn’t beaten you to the loitering idea, so if you act slowly you’re screwed. Granted, there’s always the chance that the Robot Killing Squad will forget all about you, but they’re a crafty bunch. Last year I went out for a sammich and my car was blown up. Knowing this, one needs a backup plan to the, “Be a creepy guy that just stares at the person while they work” strategy, and that would most likely be that you would get someone before Valentine’s Day rolls around. This strategy is pretty much fail safe, although getting it to work happens to be a rather tricky thing to do. Most people say a simple conversation will get it to happen, but I’m here to tell you that that is a dirty lie. The only way to get yourself a mate is to come up with a long arduous plan, much like what most animals do. This long, complicated, horrible waste of time is the only way to ensure yourself a Valentine’s Day that isn’t made of you sitting on a couch in a wifebeater while eating Chef Lonelyheart’s Soup For One, so I am now going to give you all some advice that will help you and some lucky patron of the human race dodge the robot’s evil death rays, and maybe even fall in love or a love-esque emotion.

Write Your Target Roughly 500 Letters: Being obsessed with someone is a surefire way to show them how much you love them. One of the best ways to do this is to write this person a letter that expresses your love for them, and then keep on writing it until your hand cramps up. When this happens, go to the local Kinko’s and copy your letter several more times until you feel that you have enough for your obsession to be properly dignified. Also, it would probably be a good idea to make everything look vaguely like a doctor’s signature, since that way your hand will work longer. Sure, it might be fairly illegible and maybe look a little bit crazy, but remember, you want this person to know that you are crazy for them and that nobody else would ever matter as much to you as them. Finally, make the letter as long as you possibly can. When you run out of things about the person you’re writing to, start going on about things in a rambling sense so that your paper gains length. That was it looks like more thought was put into this grandiose display of love and affection.

Unfortunately, some people might not be able to come up with a statement that they feel would properly dignify how much this person means to them for an entire letter. If you feel that you can’t make your letter of obsession at least 20 pages long, then simply go to the local random department store and buy about 1,000 Valentine’s Day cards. Inside each of these cards you should scribble the words, “I NEED YOU” in giant capital letters. They’re supposed to be written like this in order to show how much you need this person. Also, it would probably be a good idea to slop up your writing here as well, in order to show how this person’s lack of being in your life is making you a walking mess. Surely, if they aren’t won over by the cards, they will have to feel guilty about turning you into a wreck of a person. This method should easily gain you someone, but just in case, you can try some other way to get yourself some love.

Follow Your Target Home Everyday: In order to find out what your target likes to do, you should find out as much as possible about them. One of the main things you can find out about this person is where they live. A person’s home is where they deal with most of the things they like to do, so watching what your target does in their house is a key way to figure out how to win them over. If you have a bad memory you should probably take some pictures as well, so that you can easily remember this person’s favorite foods, TV shows, and sleeping positions. Also, you should probably do this everyday so that you can remember where this person lives and get a feel for their daily routine. Building your entire routine around someone else’s life is a very romantic thing to do, as you will always be free to do something at the same time that they are, so you’ll know when they’re lying to you when they say that they can’t do something, which adds another plus to following this strategy.

Also, this is a good way to find out if this person already happens to have a mate. Fortunately, most of these people are very easy to get rid of, since most people are quite dense. In order to get rid of the current frontrunner, simply rent a minivan and a tuxedo. Now that you’ve done that, paint the Publisher’s Clearing House sign on the side of the minivan. After doing this, get an oversized piece of cardboard and paint it so that it looks like one of those oversized novelty checks. Okay, now that you have all of this done you need to find the person that you are inadvertently in direct competition with. They won’t know who you are, so lie and tell them that they’ve won the Publisher’s Clearing House grand prize super-duper sweepstakes and that they are now in ownership of 500 sextillion dollars. After their initial shock tell them that the only way for them to get the money is that the must dump whoever they are going out with. After they do this, you can catch the other person on the rebound, because being shallow allows you to not be lonely ever with relative ease.


Keep Calling This Person: You might not have been able to show the person that you’re trying to get with how much you want to be with them yet, so you might want to make sure that they know that you are always thinking about them. Since you most likely don’t have some sort of telepathic bond to this person, the next best thing that you could do is call them whenever you have free time. Call them at home, call them at work, call the restaurant they said that they would be at. Sure, the guy who picks up the phone will say that person isn’t there at the moment, but they’re obviously lying to you so that they won’t be the one who is incinerated by the evil robot blasts. This step makes it so that the person you have targeted will always know that you’re around, thinking about them at all times. What’s more romantic then someone thinking about you at all times?

Just to inform you, a few weeks after you start this rule the person you’re calling might change their phone number. This is probably because they were getting hassled by those annoying telemarketers that always love to annoy people over the phone. This will also probably give out the unfortunate setback that this person will probably get their phone number to be unlisted. This can be a setback, but you can probably get the number back by calling information or finding a person who they know and starting up a casual conversation with them. Be careful to stay on task, though, you’re already almost done with the other person, so there’s no point in going after someone else once you’ve made it this far. Anyway, get the phone number from this person, and go back to calling this person, preferably from a payphone. If you don’t use a payphone those damn cops are probably going to come into your house and hassle you, not knowing about how you’re trying to save your soon-to-be valentine from those evil greeting card machines of death. The bastards.

Cut The Person’s Name Into Your Skin: Some people like to get tattoos of their boyfriend/girlfriend’s name in order to symbolize that this person is like a part of them and that they will never separate. My explanation for this rule is that if they think that a tattoo is romantic then they obviously would feel the same if you were to devote your entire arm to their name. Of course, a tattoo’s pain wouldn’t even begin to symbolize the pain that you would feel if this person was to leave your life, so it would probably make more sense to cut your skin up with a knife, preferably rusty, and make sure that your cuts are deep, like your everlasting feelings for the person that you’re doing this for.

Just to tell you, this goes over big with the goth crowd, as you can show your girlfriend your new “Sarah is my lifeblood” scar at the next Bauhaus concert that you two go to. After the concert is over you two can go back to the delightful depression that is life’s morbid living and you can listen to Nine Inch Nails songs while expressing how much Trent Reznor’s lyrics mean to your relationship. You also get bonus points for the carving of Nine Inch Nails lyrics underneath their names, the more morbid the better. I think the best that you could use would probably be, “bruised beaten broken sore/too fucked up to care anymore”, but you can experiment with various Reznor lyrics until you feel that you found the right ones for your certain loathing and pain.

Kill Their Pets: Although you might feel that this murdering something would be a rather extreme way to get someone's attention, you have to believe me when I say that it's an absolutely necessary step in order to get this person to acknowledge your existence. Pets get affection, and if they die then there’s more affection for you. Don’t worry, the pet doesn’t mind, it knows that its master will be much happier with you as the creature that lives its life in obedience towards their former master. However, if you leave the pet alive, they might get jealous of you being in their master’s house and attack you. It’s most likely a misunderstanding, but just in case you should get rid of the thing so that you will have the full attention of their master. Also, if you kill something then the person who you're trying to get with will obviously think that you're some sort of bad ass, which will get you easy brownie points. It's a win-win situation, the pet gets to sleep all day, and you get the pet's owner.

If you follow one of these steps you will most likely be able to show the object of your affection how much you care for them. However, following all of these steps is a great way to show these people how much you love them and how they will never be able to escape your love no matter how hard they try. A final word of advice, though, since most courtships involve one member doing the courting and the other one playing hard to get you shouldn’t be surprised when the other member of this equation starts acting like they don’t particularly like your advances. Remember, everything they do is the opposite of what they mean, so when this person slaps you, calls the police to arrest you, files a restraining order, or moves away and changes their identity in order to “escape from your crazy ass”, it merely means that they are quite flattered by your more humanized courtship. Just remember to keep these rules in your head at all times and you will be one of those who aren’t vaporized by Hallmark’s evil robots of doom and their giant blaster rays, and that’s the best present that you could give anyone on Valentine’s Day.

[Ronn_Bman]

I'm married now, but "back in the day" I used to just put on my best white 3-piece polyester suit, my fanciest gold chains, and pop in my 8-track soundtrack to Saturday Night Fever

I know, it's amazing I've been able to reproduce...lol.

[Neb]

quote:

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Originally posted by Ronn_Bman:

I know, it's amazing I've been able to reproduce...lol.

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Scary is more like it..... Just kidding [img]tongue.gif[/img]