A small story I wrote.. "the Devil inside me"

[uss]

Uh, I made the first part of this up yester-yester-, and then some more yesterday. I made it because there's this creativity contest or such going on. I wrote it in Estonian but now I'll translate it into English, sentence by sentence. Just because I want to know your opinions.

I think it's quite different from the other stories that got sent there, but eh, that's sort of the point. Anyway..


The Devil Inside Me.

The Night before Monday I reached the church. The only nearby source of light was the full moon. My vision was blurry. I had traveled through the forest for the past few days. In ragged clothes, sleeplessly and hungry, I still went on. Even crawling if I had to, as long as I could meet Him again. I could barely walk. But at the same time, I was happy - I reached my destination! I was ready to fulfill my purpose, if possible.

I was ready for anything, or at least, I thought so. I had dedicated the last few decades to mastering fighting with dual axes. In my childhood, I was a loner. All the other soldiers specialized in either the sword, the spear or the bow, leaving the axes to lumberjacks. The opinion that the axe is inefficient for battle use was widespread. Then again, I was always the most valuable soldier in my squad, killing the most, participating in every battle despite my wounds, and affecting the whole country with all that. I was later made a legend, and a few of the younger soldiers started using dual axes, trying to reach my league. There hasn't been such a soldier yet, but who knows, maybe there will be? Everything is possible.

There wasn't any time to waste - I started walking towards the church's gates. Suddenly, a hooded figure appeared before me.

"The Master is waiting for you," he said, smilingly.

"He is no Master of mine," I yelled back. "I hope he's ready to receive his death."

"The Master is immortal. Would he have wished your death, you wouldn't be more than a forgotten corpse right now!"

He could have been right on that part - if He would've wished to kill me, I would have died a long time ago. Confidence is His greatest weakness. Even now he is simply waiting for me, uncaring how my combat skills have increased since we last met.

At that moment, it struck my mind that I hadn't killed anybody in a long while. To keep my beastily hunger for killing back, I needed to kill somebody fast.

"You seem to know how to fight," I told him while quietly moving closer.

"Your behaviour is foreseen by Him. He knows much of your bloodlust," he said, keeping his dagger ready. "Do what you must."

By then, I heard other sounds. There were two other people nearby, both ready to fight - One of them was two metres to the right of me, the other one was up to ten metres far, behind me. With a sudden move, I removed my axes from their sheathes and threw one of them at the lackey behind me. The axe hit his ribs, crushing some of them. Another rogue ran towards me with evil intentions, but I was quicker, and so I cut his throat with my axe. Then the third bastard ran towards me, trying to kill me with one blow to the stomach. I managed to duck and his blow hit only the air. I jumped head on at his face, which caused his nosebone to brake. He fell on the ground and started moaning. I turned around and started walking towards the thief I first killed, to remove the axe from him. Cracking was heard, after which I got the hatchet out, of course bloodier than before. I went to the moaning murderer. He started begging for his life, but I practically didn't hear anything he said. Continuing my fun bloodshed, I hit him, one axe coming from the right, the other one from the left, at his stomach, dividing his body into two parts. After I wiped my axes clean with my cloth, I opened the gates and entered the church.


Well, that's the first of two parts of it. It took me about an hour to translate all of this and I do not wish to continue at the moment. Also, the pressure at the time I press 'Add New Topic' would be too big if I wrote the whole story, since the site would give me some abstract reason why the post can't be posted and then delete the whole thing.

Anyway, what do you think so far?

[Harkoliar]

interesting.. not your typical average goody-two-shoe hero i say

[uss]

Originally posted by Harkoliar: interesting.. not your typical average goody-two-shoe hero i say

LOL, It's funny to be away for 16 hours and then get one comment that says 'interesting.'

But yeah, I never wanted to make stories that fit into a stereotype too much. I always make them slightly sadistic or kinky, so they wouldn't be too ordinary.


I realize that the text isn't all that coherent. If you see any flaws or such in style or grammar or whatever other factor, please tell me. All in the interests of increasing my ability to write. [img]smile.gif[/img]

[Harkoliar]

well im not an expert in this stuff [img]tongue.gif[/img] . i just like to read. im just wondering if this should be in the books forum. people there reply to this thread more often me thinks. well just my 2c.

[uss]

Aye, looks like it did get sent here. Should've posted it here from the beginning. Silly me. Anyway.


The Devil inside me, Chapter II

In the church there was an up to a hundred metres long corridor, decorated with a beautiful mosaic carpet. Light shone from the end of the corridor. I started moving towards the light. The voices of a person praying became apparent. He was praying in an unknown language, repeating the same sentence. In great anxiety, I increased my movement speed. Ten metres away from the altar, I stopped. I raised my head. Now I saw the prayer clearly. He was standing with his back to my side. He had long red hair that reached down to his belt. He was wearing an armor crafted from the scales of a silver dragon. He was moving his hands in a pattern, likely by means of some strange ritual. His hands and legs were covered in blood soaked bandages.

„You finally made it. I was beginning to think that you wouldn’t,“ he said, calmly turning his head to me.

Long fangs. Inhumanly black eyes. There was no doubt – It was Him.

„Sanryu,“ I whispered. „You should have died a long time ago!“

„But here I am. Yes, both the people of Heaven and the Underworld wish my death because of my ever-growing power. But in Hell, no daemon wants to make an alliance with another to kill me, since they cannot trust each other. The forces of Heaven, on the other hand, refuses to directly interfere with the business of mankind, God knows why. The two greatest threats are gone. I will live a few centuries, and if my power grows enough powerful, I will destroy all of Earth with one great spark. That affects the destiny of creatures beyond mankind, but Heaven doesn’t have to know. Of course, I will kill you before you get the chance to reveal that bit of information.“

„I won’t ask how a freak such as yourself could live multiple centuries, but ever since you destroyed my life, you are destined to die!“

„Before you attack me, remember that you are as self centered as I am! You care only of your own life.“ He pulled out his runed two handed sword and took a defensive stance.

He was right. I didn’t care. Eager to fight, I took my axes and started running towards him. He hit my leg with the flat side of his sword, enough strongly to make me fall down. Before I could react, he threw his sword at me. The sword cut through my back and reached deep into the ground. He was smiling. I couldn’t breathe. I gathered all my remaining strength and made a surprise attack with both of my axes. The first axe hit his right hand, cutting it off. The second axe cut deep into his skull.
In amazement, he looked at the place where his hand used to be. Blood was pouring on the floor. Most of the floor was covered in both of our blood.

„For a thousand years, I’ve fought against humans. You are not human. Whoever sent you here, they are probably happy that both of us are dying. And so, the ordinary boring human evolution continues.. Or not?“ He fell down and didn’t speak anymore.

I tried to remove the sword from my back with the rest of my strength but in vain. I stayed there, lying. I started thinking about my life.

He was the only unnatural person I ever met, at least to the best of my own knowledge. How did I get such a rush of power? How am I so strong anyway? Why did I follow him to such a great extent? And all in all, thinking about all the actions I made in life, if someone sent me there, was it from Heaven – or Hell?

[The Hierophant]

Sorry, I'm reminded of the South Park episode where Cartman starts a Christian band and one of the lyrics is "Oh Jesus, I wanna feel you deep inside me"

AMAZING!!!! more must have more


btw yuou got a name for this thing?!!

i'm gonna tell all to read it!! [img]graemlins/hehe.gif[/img]


edit: i just saw the name

edit2 : i just read the second half!! amazing!!!

[ 05-04-2004, 04:34 PM: Message edited by: Spirits forever ]

[Jaradu]

OMG gripping stuff! Amazing storyline and well written! I love your style.

[The Hierophant]

Wow, just read it now...
That's some truly great stuff. And I mean that. You have some great ideas in there. An anti-hero protagonist, war, religious politics. Reminds of me of ancient Chinese epics [img]smile.gif[/img] Great stuff. I find it amazing that you are able to come up with all of this in Estonian, and then translate it into English. You've got real potential, especially considering your age. Well done [img]graemlins/thumbsup.gif[/img]

[uss]

Thanks for the comments, everybody! I have to admit though, that I wasn't expecting such positive comments!

Be sure to read the title after reading the story: It sounds a lot cooler then.

Hmm, I haven't really written any stories like this. My 17 year old brother however, has made about 20 of them, and translated the better ones. The stories vary greatly, very few of them are in the medieval timeline. I might make a deal with him soon, so that I'll post one of his stories in IW, and he'll post this one in a forum he regularly visits.


By the way: If anything, then my story's atmosphere was inspired by the Anime TV show, Berserk. [img]smile.gif[/img]

[ 05-05-2004, 09:53 AM: Message edited by: uss ]