Deranged and Straight Jacketed (PG)

[John D Harris]

Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she slept
through class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping,
"Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?"
When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated behind her,
took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "God Almighty!!" The teacher said,
"Very good", and Mary fell back asleep.
A while later the teacher asked Mary, "Who is our Lord and Savior?"
But, Mary didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the
rescue and stuck her again. "Jesus Christ!!" shouted Mary and the teacher
said, "Very good", and Mary fell back asleep. Then the teacher asked Mary a
third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third
child?" And again Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Mary jumped up
and shouted, "If you stick that thing in me one more time, I'll break it in
half!!"
The teacher fainted.
**********************************************

One day, Jimmy Joe was walking down Main Street
when he saw his buddy Bubba driving a brand new
pickup. Bubba pulled up to him with a wide grin.
"Bubba, where'd you get that truck?!?"
"Bobby Sue gave it to me" Bubba replied.
"She gave it to you? I knew she was kinda
sweet on ya, but a new truck?"
"Well, Jimmy Joe, let me tell you what happened.
We were driving out on County Road 6, in the
middle of nowhere. Bobby Sue pulled off the road,
put the truck in 4-wheel drive, and headed into the
woods. She parked the truck, got out, threw off all
her clothes and said 'Bubba, take whatever you
want'. So I took the truck!"

"Bubba, you're a smart man!.
Them clothes woulda never fit you."

*********************************

Men


Men are like.....Blenders. You need one, but you're not quite sure why.
Men are like.....Coffee. The best ones are rich, hot, and can keep you up
all night.
Men are like.....Computers. Hard to figure out and never have enough
memory.
Men are like.....Coolers. Load them with beer and you can take them
anywhere.
Men are like.....Copiers. You need them for reproduction, but that's
about it.
Men are like.....Government bonds. They take a long time to mature.
Men are like.....Horoscopes. They always tell you what to do and are
usually wrong.
Men are like.....Lava lamps. Fun to look at, but not all that bright.
Men are like.....Place mats. They only show up when there's food on the
table.
Men are like.....Used Cars. Easy-to-get, cheap, and unreliable.
Men are like.....Mascara. They usually run at the first sign of emotion
Men are like.....Floor Tiles. If you lay them right the first time, you
can walk all over them for years.

********************************

ATM INSTRUCTIONS
The Wachovia Bank is installing new "Drive-through" teller machines. Customers will be able to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. To enable customers to use this new facility, the following procedures have been drawn up. Please read the procedure that applies to your own circumstances (i.e. MALE or FEMALE) and remember them when you use the machine for the first time.

MALE PROCEDURE
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.

FEMALE PROCEDURE
1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse back the required amount to align car window to machine.
3. Set parking brake, Put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate
card.
5. Turn the radio down.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive
distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way up.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the
inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check make up in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Place receipt in back of checkbook.
18. Re-check makeup again.
19. Drive forwards 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot
provided.
23. Give appropriate one-fingered hand signal to irate male drivers queuing behind.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
26. Release parking brake.

*************************

1. Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning.
Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said, "Mabel, did
you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?" Mabel answered, "I
have? A suppository?" She pulled it out & stared at it. Then she said,
"Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where my hearing
aid is."

2. When the husband finally died his wife put the usual death notice in
the paper, but added that he died of gonorrhea. No sooner were the papers
delivered when a good friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly,
"You know very well that he died of diarrhea, not gonorrhea. Replied the
widow, "I nursed him night and day so of course I know he died of
diarrhea, but I thought it would be better for posterity to remember him
as a great lover rather than the big @#*^$^#@& he always was."

3. An elderly couple was on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were
standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up
and washed the old woman overboard. They searched for days and couldn't
find her, so the captain sent the old man back to shore with the promise
that he would notify him as soon as they found something. Three weeks went
by and finally the old man got a fax from the boat. It read: "Sir, sorry
to inform you, we found your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean. We
hauled her up to the deck and attached to her butt was an oyster and in it
was a pearl worth $50,000...please advise" The old man faxed back: "Send
me the pearl and re-bait the trap"

4. A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away.
At the end of the service, the pall bearers are carrying the casket out
when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a
faint moan! They open the casket and find that the woman is actually
alive! She lives for ten more years, and then dies. Once again, a ceremony
is held, and at the end of it, the pall bearers are again carrying out the
casket. As they carry the casket towards the door, the husband cries out:
"Watch that wall!"

5. When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old lady sitting on a park
bench sobbing her eyes out. I stopped and asked her what was wrong. She
said, "I have a 22 year old husband at home. He makes love to me every
morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and
freshly ground coffee." I said, "Well, then why are you crying?" She said,
"He makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies and then
makes love to me for half the afternoon." I said, "Well, why are you
crying?" She said, "For dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my
favorite dessert and then makes love to me until 2:00 a.m. I said, "Well,
why in the world would you be crying?" She said, "I can't remember where I
live!"

6. Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years
they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their
activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.
One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said,
"Now don't get mad at me.....I know we've been friends for a long
time.....but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought,
but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is. Her friend
glared at her.
For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she
said, "How soon do you need to know?"

THE SENILITY PRAYER
Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good
fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the
difference.

[Piestrider]

ROTFL!!! [img]graemlins/laugh.gif[/img] pretty funny man... so true though, so true.

[Triconan]

Lol the first one was extremely funny [img]graemlins/hehe.gif[/img]

[/)eathKiller]

Finally some original ones! great work!

[Harkoliar]

good one ... i liked the atm joke [img]smile.gif[/img]

[Lord Starshadow]

Those were some quality jokes. [img]graemlins/thumbsup.gif[/img] I really enjoyed them.

The ATM one was definitely funny, and oh so true! [img]graemlins/hehe.gif[/img]