Joke World 10-1

[Arvon]

PUN ALERT!!!!



A Head Goes to a Bar

A man is waiting for wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head! But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion. After 21 years, the son is old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar and tearfully tells the son he is proud of him.

Dad orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol. Swoooop! A torso pops out!

The bar is dead silent; then bursts into a whoop of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant "Take another drink"! The bartender still shakes his head in dismay.

Swoooop! Two arms pops out. The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant, "Take another drink"! The bartender ignores the whole affair. By now the boy is getting tipsy, and with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Swoooop! Two legs pop out.

The bar is in chaos. The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God. The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left.... then to the right.... right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly.

The bar falls silent. The father moans in grief. The bartender sighs and says, "That boy should have quit while he was a head."

[Arvon]

A rabbit and a snake, both blind from birth, happen to meet in the forest one day. They get to talking and the rabbit asks the snake, "Would you mind running your hands (not knowing what a snake looks like) over my body and telling me what kind of an animal I am? I'm too embarrassed to ask my near-sighted friends because I'm afraid they'll make fun of me."

The snake says, "Okay," and proceeds to wind himself around the rabbit from one end to the other, then back again. "Well," the snake says, "You're kind of warm with real soft fur and you have two very long, fury ears."

The rabbit thinks about that for a moment and then exclaims, "W O W! I must be a bunny!" and he hops around and hops around and starts hopping away.

"Wait!" shouts the snake, "What about me? Come back here and do the same thing for me!"

The rabbit hops over and with his fury little paws, pats the snake from one end to the other and then back again. He sits down without saying a word.

"Well?" asks the snake, "What kind of animal an I?"

"I'm not really sure," says the rabbit. "You're kind of cold and slimy, and for the life of me, I can't tell your head from your ass."

The snake thinks and thinks about this, then exclaims, "W O W! I must be an attorney!"

[Arvon]

As reported by slashdot.org and lots of other places, IBM has filed for US patents for inventions covering outsourcing of services to "countries where cheaper labor prices and/or cheaper materials are available."
The announcement was made by V. J. Krishnamurthy of IBM Bombay.

[Arvon]

A little long...

Long ago in a Polish town there lived a wise Rabbi. One night a peddler came to the Rabbi's house. "Rabbi," he said, "I am going to kill myself!"

"Heaven, forbid!" cried the Rabbi, "What could make you have such a sinful thought?"

"Is it better than I should starve to death! Today my horse died and without a horse I cannot earn my living!"

"Look," said the Rabbi, "the Holy One, Blessed be He, will provide for you. Tonight, at midnight, meet me at the stable of the Count." The peddler had no idea what the Rabbi could mean, but obediently he arrived at the Count's stables at 12 o'clock sharp. The Rabbi took him to one of the stalls and told him to take the beautiful white stallion standing there.

"Oy, vay!" said the peddler, "I can't do this, the Count will have me hanged!"

"Don't worry," the Rabbi assured him, "take the horse and go in peace." Since in those days one did not disobey a Rabbi, the peddler did as he was told.

When he had gone the Rabbi lay down in the stall and went to sleep. The next morning the Count arrived with his groom and seeing the man asleep on the floor, kicked him and cried: "Hey you, who are you, what are you doing here, where is my horse?!"

The Rabbi sat up and rubbed his eyes. Then he jumped to his feet and raised his hands to the sky and cried: "Thanks be to God, creator of the Universe!"

"What's this, what's this," cried the Count,"what is going on, who are you, where is my horse??!"

"Don't you understand?" said the Rabbi, "I was your horse! I used to be a famous scholar. But one night I succumbed to the Evil Impulse and went to a prostitute. In punishment the Holy One turned me into your horse. But in my misery I repented and prayed for forgiveness. Finally my prayers were heard and I have been changed back into a human being. Thanks be to God, creator of the Universe!"

Now the Count was a devout man and a respecter of miracles and so he also cried, "Thanks be to God, creator of the Universe!" and let the Rabbi go.

Several weeks later the Count was riding through the town. Suddenly he spied the peddler leading his beautiful white stallion. He leaped from his carriage and ran to the beast, struck him brutally on the rear end with his riding crop and shrieked: "Scoundrel! Ingrate! Going to prostitutes again??!!"

[Trogdor]

The first one was GOLD

[Kyrvias]

And now, fear the awesome might of the Band Jokes!

Q: How do you stop a Trombone Player from drowning? A: Take your foot off their head!

Q: How do you know there's a drummer at your door? A: They don't know when to come in!

And last but not least....

Two Bass Drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff. Buh dum psh!

[Arvon]

Oldie....

Here is an actual sign posted at a golf club in Scottsdale , Arizona :

1. BACK STRAIGHT, KNEES BENT, FEET SHOULDER WIDTH APART.

2. FORM A LOOSE GRIP.

3. KEEP YOUR HEAD DOWN!

4. AVOID A QUICK BACK SWING.

5. STAY OUT OF THE WATER.

6. TRY NOT TO HIT ANYONE.

7. IF YOU ARE TAKING TOO LONG, LET OTHERS GO AHEAD OF YOU.

8. DON'T STAND DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF OTHERS.

9. QUIET PLEASE...WHILE OTHERS ARE PREPARING.

10. DON'T TAKE EXTRA STROKES.

WELL DONE.

NOW, FLUSH THE URINAL, GO OUTSIDE, & TEE OFF.

[Arvon]

According to the Jewish calendar, the year is 5768. According to the Chinese calendar, the year is 4702.
That means that for 1,063 years the Jewish people went without Chinese food.

These were known as the Dark Ages.

[Arvon]

was sitting behind a car at a stop light the other day and I noticed that it had a bumper sticker that read "Honk if you love Jesus." So I thought about it a bit, and since I loved Jesus, I honked my horn.

I was very surprised when the driver of the car got out and yelled, "The light is still red, you asshole!" got back in the car and drove off through the light which had just turned green.

[ZFR]

While we're on this subject:

A letter from Grandma

Got a letter from Grandma the other day. She writes...

The other day I went up to a local Christian bookstore and saw a "Honk if you love Jesus" bumper sticker.

I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting, so I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.

Boy, I'm glad I did! What an uplifting experience that followed!

I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good He is... and I didn't notice that the light had changed.

It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed!

I found that LOTS of people love Jesus! Why, while I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, "For the love of GOD! GO! GO! Jesus Christ, GO!"

What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus! Everyone started honking!

I just leaned out of my window and started waving and smiling at all these loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!

There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a "sunny beach"...

I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air.

Then I asked my teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant, he said that it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something. Well, I've never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back.

My grandson burst out laughing...why, even he was enjoying this religious experience!

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed.

So, I waved to all my sisters and brothers grinning, and drove on through the intersection. I noticed I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and I felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared, so I slowed the car down, leaned out of the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away.

Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!

Grandma