Advice needed on a difficult situation

[wellard]

Advice needed on a difficult situation


My wife has just been contacted via a third party from a lady purporting to be the partner of her biological father. Her father, whom she has no memory of, left her, as a newborn, and her mother in very violent circumstances 40 years ago and there has been no contact since. This lady has gathered the information from a genealogy site and claims via this third party that she has been searching for my wife to say hello for many years.

Not only does this bring up many mixed emotions in my wife (the passed on email only arrived last night) but also many questions like does my wife have any other brother and sisters ECT. Also a strange coincidence is that this lady also claims to be from the same town I was born in and that my wife and I both lived in before moving to Sydney.


Something tells me this is not a scam but a genuine attempt to get in touch coupled with uncanny coincidences, however my wife is taking time to decide on wether to return contact. Have any of you been in this sort of situation? Has anyone got any advice on what to do? At the moment we are just stunned.

[Brayf]

I really don't have any mature knowledge of situations like this, but for what it's worth, my simple bit of advice would just be to chill out

By that, of course, I mean there's no rush. Your wife has got all the time in the world, days or years, to think about it and make her decision [img]smile.gif[/img]

[Albromor]

One thing I have learned over the years is to never make a decision 1) when your feelings are out of control or 2)mixed like your wife is experiencing. I think it is quite normal for her reaction and I think it will take her time to work through the implications. My advice, for what it is worth, is to suggest to your wife to email back in a polite but short matter that she needs some time and distance to sort this through. It certainly is a delicate situation.

[sageridder]

Well that might not be true, the guy would have to be at least in his 60's wouldn't he.I think the possible benifits outway the downside.It could end reuniting them, or at least it could give her a chance to ask some questions and get closure and as stated she might get some siblings out of it.It's likely just hearing from the woman and bring up these old thoughts is as close to as tramatic as the meeting might be.If the woman has been looking for a while it kinda signals that the father has an interest in being a part of her life.If she dosn't it might haunt her for a very long time wondering what if.Even if you don't think it's a scam it could be or even a mistake so if they do meet a DNA test shortly after meeting would be a very good idea.No matter what she desides or how it comes out it seems that she and you have had your tickets punched for an emotinal rollercoaster so I wish you both the best of luck.

[Felix The Assassin]

My initial gut reaction is 'Wait Over' or in modern hip, 'Chill' let it rest. Let it be, let it sit. If there is persistence, then follow up through whatever agency you might have down their for this type of contact. There are many stories in the news, and on 'made for tv series' about this topic alone. Then again, there are alos many stories on how events led upto an abduction, or a house robbery, or even a drug bust. I would wait a comfortable bit, then take the initiative and seek out the agency that could put 'You' in contact with the third party, allowing a testing of the waters prior to a full contact.

Also, consider your social, educational, and professional status, along with those of your spousal units, could this have a different perspective from that point of view?

Along with the third party claims to be from your old stomping grounds? How coicidental is that?

I can only imagine how difficult this is going to become, 'Patience' IS a virtue.

[mad=dog]

If it is a scam it'll have to be a very well researched one as it demands quite intimate information on your wife.
I have no personal experience on anything like this. I don't think it would matter much though. I have friends and family who are adopted and they have tackled it differently. So there is no "standard" solution as I see it.
I consider the advice about giving it time to settle very good. Both of you really need to build up mentally and prepare yourself as much as posible. Also give it time after some form of decision is made and prepare for as many outcomes as posible.

[Bungleau]

Wow... can't say as I've had that happen before, although I found out a couple of years ago that I have another cousin on my dad's side. One of my uncles generated offspring before he was married, and thirty years later, she showed up.

I feel for your wife at this point. She's never known this man who caused her to be born, and she's probably never heard anything good about him. There's no place for him in her life at this point either unless she creates one; someone else may be "dad" or whatever.

Sooo.... putting on my logician's hat, there are a couple of scenarios.

1. He's really her birth father, and he's improved over the years. There will be some benefit to getting to know him at the end of his life, and things will work out well.

2. He's really her birth father, but she doesn't care to find out any more. Anyone who was that nasty and deserted her mother those years ago doesn't deserve the time of day. The end of his life can't come too quickly.

3. He's really her birth father, but he hasn't changed, and may have even gotten worse. Get to know him, and a new leech of the worst kind will be introduced into your lives.

4. He's just a scammer, trying to prey on your wife, and came across enough information to sound convincing. Let him in, and the family valuables will be gone.

Four scenarios, two of them bad, one good, and one in the middle. The question is, which is most likely?

I'd do a couple of things.

First, assuming she knows (or can find) his name, I'd google for him and see what comes up. It may be... enlightening.

Second, I'd contact a local adoption agency. They'll be familiar with practices for reuniting adopted adults with their biological parents, and can point you to resources that can help with this process.

Third, I'd think a whole lot about just what this would mean, and how she'd want it to impact her life. And yours, too, and the munchkins (you've got some, don't you? [img]smile.gif[/img] ). I'd move slow in the process, and if it's someone reaching out because he's on his deathbed, don't go hurrying. He may die, but she'd be no worse off than she was before. Sounds cold-hearted and callous, I know, but it's true. The only thing she'd have would be possible regret that he hadn't tried to find her sooner, and that's his fault, not hers. If she does have other siblings, they'll still be there after he dies.

In fact, something has just tickled my BS radar. Why is his "partner" doing this approaching and contacting, and not him? I know that many agencies use an intermediary because one party may not want to be reunited, but I believe it's typically one of the two parties involved that starts it, not a partner, friend, or spouse.

So I go back to my three: Google him, check with an agency, and decide if you really want any involvement.

I wish you all good luck in this.

*B*

[Sever]

Looks like any advice i have to give has already been stated. [img]smile.gif[/img]

You didn't stipulate on the third party though. Is he/she part of an organisation that deals with these situations? Or just a friend of the lady?

If it were my wife (huh, like i'm getting married ) i'd be giving her all the space in the world to think it over, whilst i'd be doing all i could to cross reference the info on the 1st and 3rd parties. The genealogy site can also be used by you to check the validity of this info.

That said, and as many bad people as there are out there, it is very likely that this is all legit. Find out what you can, present it to your wife and let her make her decision in due time. Whatever happens, i'm pretty sure both you and your wife will make the right decisions, wellard. [img]graemlins/thumbsup.gif[/img] [img]smile.gif[/img]

[wellard]

The third party is actually my wife's Step dad! He created one of those genealogy / family tree thing using a website a few months ago. There is little / no chance of a scam / theft because we live in a different country (not that she probably knows that yet). So it was quite a moment for him to pass on this lady's E-mail to us, after all he has been 'dad' for all but two years of my wife's life. Just writing this now makes me realise that this issue will be affecting him too.

All my 20 odd years of knowing my wife she as only mentioned him a couple of times and never with any regret or longing. This is really a big can 'o' worms alright

[Sever]

The plot thickens... [img]graemlins/uhoh1.gif[/img]

This will sound harsh, but sometimes it's better to leave the past in the past. And this particular past will affect you, your wife, kids and step father in-law. As well as a whole bunch of other family members that, as yet, haven't entered the equation. I don't envy you your current predicament, wellard.

But my previous statement still stands. I trust you'll all come to the right decision after a good deal of discussion. All the best to you mate. [img]smile.gif[/img]