vicotnik's original (mostly) chamber of laughter-join in,pls

[J.J.]

They finally released the ingredients in Viagra:

3% Vitamin E
2% Aspirin
2% Ibuprofen
1% Vitamin C
92% Fix-A-Flat





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Unstinting Gaurdian of Children
Defender of Those Unable To

[J.J.]

In California's Sonoma Valley, where vineyards cater to wine
snobbery, a woman phoned the classified ad department of a
newspaper. She offered for sale what sounded like "well-aged
Caumeneur."

The ad-taker was unfamiliar with that particular, wine, but was used
to the infusion of French words into the local vocabulary.

"Could you please spell that?" she asked.

"You know," said the woman impatiently, "C-o-w M-a-n-u-r-e


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Unstinting Gaurdian of Children
Defender of Those Unable To

[J.J.]

Which video should I buy? Help me out here.
TITANIC VIDEO: $9.99 on Internet.
CLINTON VIDEO: $9.99 on Internet.

TITANIC VIDEO: Over 3 hours long.
CLINTON VIDEO: Over 3 hours long.

TITANIC VIDEO: The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.
CLINTON VIDEO: The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.

TITANIC VIDEO: Jack is a starving artist.
CLINTON VIDEO: Bill is a bullshit artist.

TITANIC VIDEO: In one part, Jack enjoys a good cigar.
CLINTON VIDEO: Ditto for Bill.

TITANIC VIDEO: During ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined.
CLINTON VIDEO: Ditto for Monica.

TITANIC VIDEO: Jack teaches Rose to spit.
CLINTON VIDEO: Let's not go there.

TITANIC VIDEO: Rose gets to keep her jewelry.
CLINTON VIDEO: Monica's forced to return her gifts.

TITANIC VIDEO: Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life.
CLINTON VIDEO: Monica doesn't remember Jack.

TITANIC VIDEO: Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen.
CLINTON VIDEO: Monica...uh, never mind.

TITANIC VIDEO: Jack surrenders to an icy death.
CLINTON VIDEO: Bill goes home to Hillary



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Unstinting Gaurdian of Children
Defender of Those Unable To

[J.J.]

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with three young
mothers and their small children.
"You all have obsessions," he observed. To the first mother, he said, "You
are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."
He turned to the second mom. "Your obsession is money. Again, it manifests
itself in your child's name, Penny."
At this point, the third mother got up, took her little boy by the hand and
whispered, "Come on, Dick, let's go."


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Unstinting Gaurdian of Children
Defender of Those Unable To

[J.J.]

You know you are in California if:
You make over $250,000 a year and still can't afford a house.

It's sprinkling outside, so you leave for work an hour early to avoid
all
the weather-related accidents.

Your child's third grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, and is
named Breeze.

You can't remember ... is pot legal?

You've been to a baby shower for an infant who has two mothers and a
sperm donor.

You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are
grown,and can taste the difference between Sumatran and Ethiopian.

You know which restaurant serves the freshest arugula.

You can't remember ... is pot legal?

A really great parking space can move you to tears.

The guy in line at Starbucks, wearing the baseball cap, sunglasses, and
looks like George Clooney, IS George Clooney.

Your car insurance costs as much as your house payment.

Your hairdresser is straight, your plumber is gay, and your Mary Kay
rep is in drag.

It's sprinkling out, and there's a report on every news channel about
"THE STORM!"

Hey ... is pot legal?

Over 85% of the cities, towns, and streets start with San, Los, El, La,
Santa, De La, or De Los.

Two overcast days in a row drive you mad.

A family of four owns six vehicles.

Everyone who lives here knows that hurricanes, tornadoes, floods and
snowstorms are way worse than earthquakes, which are, after all, over
almost as soon as you realize what's happening.

Even if the store is across the street, you drive there.

Yeah, pot is legal.

And finally, a question:
Q. How many Californians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
...
...
...
...

A. None. Californians cannot afford to turn on the lights.



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Unstinting Gaurdian of Children
Defender of Those Unable To

[J.J.]

Subject: Indain Giver

An Attractive woman from New York was driving through a remote part of
> Texas when her car broke down.
> An Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby
> town..
> She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off.
> The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes,
> the Indian would let out a whoop so loud that it would echo from the
> surrounding hills. When they arrived in town, he let her off at the
local
> service station , yelled one final, "Yahoo!" and rode off.
> What did you do to get that Indian so excited?" asked the service
station
> attendant.
> "Nothing," shrugged the woman, "I merely sat behind him on the horse,
put
> my arms around his waist, and held onto his saddle horn so I wouldn't
fall
> off."
> "Lady," the attendant said, "Indians ride bareback......."
>



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Unstinting Gaurdian of Children
Defender of Those Unable To

[J.J.]

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?"

"Because white is the color of happiness and today is the happiest day of her life," her mother tried to explain, keeping it simple.

The child thought about this for a moment, then said, "So, why's the groom wearing black?"



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Unstinting Gaurdian of Children
Defender of Those Unable To

[Vicotnik]

Don't get offended now huh?
---
I, the penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:
I do physical labor
I work at great depths
I plunge head first into everything I do
I do not get weekends off or public holidays
I work in a damp environment
I don't get paid overtime
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation
I work in high temperatures
My work exposes me to contagious diseases

Yours truly,
Penis

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Penis,

After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:
You do not work 8 hours straight
You fall asleep on the job after brief work periods
You do not always follow the orders of the management team
You do not stay in your allocated position, and often visit other areas
You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift
You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing
You'll retire well before reaching 65
You're unable to work double shifts before you have completed the day's work
And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and leaving the workplace carrying 2 suspicious looking bags.

Sincerely,

The Management

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Vicotnik, archmage of the Holy Flame - Challenge me... and die.

[Vicotnik]

The longer you're part of the corporate work force, the more humorous this area becomes.

Best Things to say if Caught Sleeping At Your Desk...

"They told me at the blood bank this might happen."

"This is just a 15 minute power-nap as described in that time management course you sent me."

"Whew! Guess I left the top off the White-Out You probably got here just in time!"

"I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm."

"I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance."

"I was doing Yoga exercises to relieve work-related stress."

"Damn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem."

"The coffee machine is broken..."

"Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot..."

" ... in Jesus' name. Amen."


You know you work in Corporate America in the 90's if...

You sat at the same desk for 4 years and worked for three different companies.

You worked for the same company for 4 years and sat at more than 10 different desks.

You've been in the same job for 4 years and have had 10 different managers.

You order your business cards in "half orders" instead of whole boxes.

When someone asks about what you do for a living, you can't explain it in one sentence.

You get really excited about a 2% pay raise.

You use acronyms in your sentences.

Your biggest loss from a system crash is that you lose your best jokes.

You sit in a cubicle smaller than your bedroom closet.

It's dark when you drive to and from work.

Fun is when issues are assigned to someone else.

The word "opportunity" makes you shiver in fear.

You see a good looking person and know it is a visitor.

Free food left over from meetings is your main staple.

Weekends are those days your significant other makes you stay home.

Being sick is defined as can't walk or you're in the hospital.

Art involves a white board.

You're already late on the assignment you just got.

Dilbert cartoons hang outside every cube and are read by your co-workers only.

Your boss' favorite lines are "when you get a few minutes" or "when you're freed up".

You read this entire list and understood it.

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Vicotnik, archmage of the Holy Flame - Challenge me... and die.

[Vicotnik]

This is a declaration sent from the British government to the United States government last winter:

To the citizens of the United States of America,

In the light of your failure to elect a President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy. Your new prime minister (The rt. hon. Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.
A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary". Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.
Look up "interspersed".

2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on your behalf.

3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard.

4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys.

5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.

6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game.

The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football.

Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side by 2005.

7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if they give you any merde. The 98.85% of you who were not aware that there is a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky. The Russians have never been the bad guys. "Merde" is French for "sh*t".

8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 8th will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive Day".

9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.

10. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.


Thank you for your cooperation.

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Vicotnik, archmage of the Holy Flame - Challenge me... and die.