Vicotnik's chamber of laughter

[Vicotnik]

What did Bill Gates' wife say to him on their wedding night?
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Now I know why your company is called MICROSOFT!!!!
Ouch!

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Vicotnik, archmage of the Holy Flame - Challenge me... and die.

[Vicotnik]

A Texan went to Chicago, where he thought he would buy a new "city" outfit. He went into Marshall Fields and, when asked by a sweet young woman if she could help him, he answered, "Yes, ma'am. Ya see, I'm from Texas, and I want to buy a complete city outfit."

Her eyes lit up as she asked, "Where would you like to start?"
"Well, ma'am, how about a suit?"
"Yes, sir. What size?"
"Size 53 tall, ma'am."
"Wow, that's really big."
"Yes, ma'am, they really grow them big in Texas."

"What's next?" she asked.
He replied, "How about some shoes?"
"What size?"
"Size 15 double D."
"Wow, that's really big!"
"Yes, ma'am. They really grow them big in Texas."

"What's next?"
"Well, I reckon I'll need a shirt."
"Yes, sir. What size?"
"Nineteen and a half neck, size 38," he replied.
"Wow, that's really big!"
"Yes, ma'am. They really grow them big in Texas."

"Will there be anything else?" she asked.
"Yes, ma'am. I spect I'll need a hat."
"Yes, sir. What size?"
"Eight and five-eighths."
"Wow, that's really big!"
"Yes, ma'am. They really grow them big in Texas."

The woman virtually glowed as she asked, "Is there anything else I can do for you?"

"No, ma'am , I reckon that will be all."

As the sweet young thing tallied up his bill and as the Texan counted his money, she blushed and asked, "Sir, could I ask you a question?"

"Yes, ma'am, I already know what it is. And the answer is four inches."

Astonished, she blurted out, "Why, my boyfriend is bigger than that!"

Without so much as a stutter, the Texan replied, "From the floor, ma'am?"


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Vicotnik, archmage of the Holy Flame - Challenge me... and die.

[Vicotnik]

Four men go out to play golf. One is detained in the clubhouse and the remaining three are discussing their children while walking to the first tee.

"My son," says one, "Has made quite a name for himself in the home-building industry. He began as a carpenter, but now owns his own design and construction firm. He's so successful that in his last year he was able to give a good friend a brand new home as a gift."

The second man, not to be outdone, tells how his daughter began her career as a car salesperson, but now owns a multi-line dealership. "She's so successful, in fact, in the last six months she gave a friend two brand new cars as a gift."

The third man's says his son has worked his way up through a stock brokerage firm, and in the last few weeks, has given a good friend a large stock portfolio as a gift.

As the fourth man arrives, they tell him that they have been discussing their children and ask him about his son.

"To tell the truth, I'm not very pleased with how my son has turned out," he replies. "For fifteen years, he's been in and out of work and I've just recently discovered he's a bisexual. But, on the bright side, he must be good at what he does because his last three lovers have given him a brand new house, two cars, and a big pile of stock certificates."

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Vicotnik, archmage of the Holy Flame - Challenge me... and die.

-------------------------------------------------------------
FUNNY THOUGHTS:
"It's a good deed to forget a poor joke." - Brendan Bracken
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When given a choice, take both.

A strikingly handsome young man walked into the office of a Hollywood
agent with his resume and portfolio in hand.

The agent reviewed the young man's slim resume and small portfolio
with the care that was deserving of this fine young specimen.

"You have the very obvious good looks and excellent demeanour of an
actor. Tell me, have you had any roles that I might be aware of?"

"Other than the requisite high school and college plays, no sir," said
the handsome young man.

"I dare say I know the reason why, with a name like yours," said the
agent."Your name, Penus Van Lesbian is not a name that will go far in
Hollywood. I'd love to represent you, but you'll have to change your
name."

"Sir," the handsome young man protested. "The Van Lesbian name was my
father's, my grandfather's and his father's before. We have carried
this name for generations and I will not change it for Hollywood or
any other reason."

"If you won't change your name, I cannot represent you young man."
"Then I bid you farewell - my name will not change." With that, Penus
Van Lesbian left the agent's office never to return.

Five Years Later....

The Hollywood agent returned to his office after lunch with some
producers and shuffled through his mail. Mostly junk mail, trade
journals and the like. There was one letter. He opened the envelope
and removed the letter. As he unfolded the fine linen paper, a cheque
dropped from the folds and onto his desk. He looked at the cheque.
It was for $50,000 dollars!

He read the letter:

"Dear Sir,
Several years ago, I entered your office determined to become an
actor. You refused to represent me unless I changed my name. I
objected as the Penus Van Lesbian name had been carried for
generations and I left your office in a angry frame of mind.

However, upon leaving, I chanced to reconsider my hastiness and after
considerable reflection, I decided to heed your advice. I therefore
changed my name as recommended by you at our meeting.

Now I am a famous actor with many roles and known to millions
throughout the world. Having achieved this fame and fortune I often
think back to my meeting with you and your insistence that I change my
name. I owe you a debt of gratitude so please accept this cheque with
my humble thanks, for it was your idea which has brought me to such
wealth and fame.

Yours Sincerely,
Dick Van Dyke




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When given a choice, take both.

In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic
delivered
grave news:

"There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt - prepare
yourself
to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this
year."

Visibly shaken, Jennifer stared at the woman's lined face, then at the
single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep
breaths to compose herself.

She simply had to know. She met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her
voice, and asked:

"Will I be acquitted?"



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When given a choice, take both.

: > "Bumper Stickers"
: > =======================
: > Dain bramaged.
: >
: > Eat Well, Stay Fit, Die Anyway
: >
: > Body by Nautilus; brain by Mattel
: >
: > Boldly going nowhere
: >
: > CAUTION - Driver legally blonde!
: >
: > Heart Attacks...God's Revenge for Eating His Animal Friends
: >
: > He's not dead, He's electroencephalographically challenged
: >
: > How many roads must a man travel down before he admits he is lost?
: >
: > CATS: The other white meat
: >
: > I'm an imbecile and I vote
: >
: > Money Isn't Everything... But it Sure Keeps the Kids In Touch
: >
: > If you lived in your car, you'd be home by now
: >
: > Saw it... Wanted it... Had a fit... Got it!
: >
: > WARNING! Driver only carries $20.00 in ammunition
: >
: > If you can read this, I can slam on my brakes and sue you!
: >
: > Your gene pool needs a little chlorine.
: >
: > You're just jealous because the voices are talking to me not you!
: >
: > You are depriving some poor village of its IDIOT
: >
: > Forget world peace. Visualize using your turn signal.
: >
: > Grow your own dope, plant a man
: >
: > All Men Are Animals, Some Just Make Better Pets
: >
: > I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
: >
: > WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.
: >
: > Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
: >
: > All men are idiots...I married their king.
: >
: > The more you complain, the longer God makes you live.
: >
: > IRS. We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
: >
: > Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.
: >
: > Out of my mind...Back in five minutes.
: >
: > Hang up and drive.
: >
: > I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
: >
: > Where there's a will...I want to be in it.
: >
: > It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
: >
: > We are born naked, wet, and hungry....Then things get worse.
: >
: > Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
: >
: > Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
: >
: > Be nice to your kids...They will pick out your nursing home.
: >
: > Always remember you're unique...Just like everyone else.
: >
:


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When given a choice, take both.

BEAR with me... this is a delayed reaction laugh...

A bear walks into a bar in Billings, Montana and sits down. He bangs on
the
bar with his paw and demands a beer.

The bartender approaches and says, "We don't serve beer to bears in bars
in
Billings."

The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer. The
bartender tells him again, more forcefully, "We don't serve beer to
belligerent bears in bars in Billings."

The bear, very angry now, says, "If you don't serve me a beer, I'm going
to
eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar."

The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully
bears
in bars in Billings."

The bear goes to the end of the bar and, as promised, eats the woman.

He comes back to his seat and again demands a beer. The bartender
states,
"Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in
Billings
who are on drugs."

The bear says, "I'm not on drugs."

.............wait for it........


..........you're gonna love it.............

The bartender says, "You are now. That was a barbitchyouate."


Only in Montana!

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When given a choice, take both.

How to impress a woman:

compliment her,
cuddle her,
kiss her,
caress her,
love her,
stroke her,
tease her,
comfort her,
protect her,
hug her,
hold her,
spend money on her,
wine & dine her,
buy things for her,
listen to her,
care for her,
stand by her,
support her,

How to impress a man:

Show up naked!
Bring beer!



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When given a choice, take both.

MARY AND FRED

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform
the other of the afterlife. The biggest fear was that there was no
heaven.
After a long life, the husband was the first to go, and true to his
word, he
made contact.

"Mary...Mary...."

"Is that you, Fred?"

"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."

"What's it like?"

"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast, I have
sex. I bathe in the sun, then I have sex twice. I have lunch, then sex
pretty much all afternoon. After supper, I have sex until late at night.
The
next day it starts again."

"Oh, Fred you surely must be in heaven."

"Not exactly, I'm a rabbit in Kansas."



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When given a choice, take both.