I know a clean joke !!!

[Gaelic]

There once was a man from Nantucket
whose...

oopps, clean joke thread, sorry



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Gaelic

[Beaumanoir]

Originally posted by kiwidoc: Archibald Arsolton. A; R; C; H with an arch; with an I; with an arch eye; with a B; A; L; D; with a bald with an eye bald with an arch eye bald; with an A; R; S; with an ars with a bald ars with an eye balled ars; with an O; L with an oll with an ars oll with a bald ars oll with an eye bald ars oll; with a T; O; N with a ton with an oll ton with an ars oll ton with a bald ars oll ton with an eye bald ars oll ton with an Archibald Arsolton!

Well good joke kiwidoc! Im still laughing!

Hmmmm a good joke...

Aha!


Al Davis had finally put together the perfect Raiders team for '00. The
only thing he was missing was a good quarterback.

He had scouted all the colleges, and even the high schools, and he
couldn't find a ringer quarterback that would ensure a SuperBowl win.

Then one night, watching CNN, he saw the war zone in Bosnia. In the
background, out of the corner of his eye, he spotted a young Bosnian
soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand grenade straight into
a 15th story window 200 yards away... ka-boom! He threw another hand
grenade into a group of about 10 soldiers a good 110 yards
away--ka-blooey! A car passes going 90 miles an hour--bulls-eye! Right
into the barely open window.

"I've got to get this guy," Al says to himself. "He has the perfect arm!"

So he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football.
Predictably, the young man breaks all the NFL records for completed
passes, and the Raiders go on to win the SuperBowl.

The young Bosnian is lionized as the Great Hero of that year's SuperBowl,
and when Al asks him what he wants, all the young man wants to do is to
call his mother. "Mom," the young man says into the receiver, "I just won
the SuperBowl."

"I don't want to talk to you," the old woman says. "You deserted us.
You're not my son."

"I don't think you understand, mother," the young man pleads. "I just won
the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm in the middle of thousands
of adoring fans."

"No, let me tell you," the mother implores. "At this very moment, there
are gun shots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your
two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and this
week your sister was raped in broad daylight...." The old lady pauses, in
tears, "...I'll never forgive you for moving us to Oakland!"




Im sorry, its the first one that came to my head.... no disrespect for anyone in oakland!



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One Day, When The Nine Hells Are Full, The Damned Shall Walk The Earth, And I Shall Conquer


"I'm sorry I called you Cannonball Head. I meant to call you Chrome Dome" - Guybrush Threepwood

[RudeDawg]

A Native American chief predicts a harsh winter, so he instructs the members of his tribe to gather some extra firewood. He decides to double-check his idea, and calls the National Weather Service.

They agree, telling him that they expect a harsh winter.

Concerned, the chief now wants his tribal council to preapre for a severe winter, and calls on the tribal members to gather even more wood, even chopping down aged trees if need be.

He calls the Weather Service back, and they tell him that they've upgraded their warning to a SEVERE winter, encouraging everyone to gather extra supplies.

Now the cheif is panicked. Quickly, he passes the words that every tribal member must gather as much wood as they can, and prepare shelters, and store food.

He calls the Weather Service back, and they tell him they expect the worst winter ever. Satisfied with thte way he has protected his people, he asks the Weather Service about the advanced technology they use to protect the winter.

"Well, it's weird." The representative says. "Our technological indicators are telling us that the winter will be mild, but we've been watching those Indians, and they're gathering wood like CRAZY!"

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[This message has been edited by RudeDawg (edited 06-09-2001).]

[RudeDawg]

Children Books that will never be published


"You Were an Accident"

"Strangers Have the Best Candy"

"The Attention Deficit Disorder Association's Book of Wild Animals of North Amer- Hey! Let's Go Ride Our Bikes!"

"When Mommy and Daddy Don't Know the Answer They Say God Did It"

"Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia"

"What Is That Dog Doing to That Other Dog?"

"Why can't Mr. Fork and Mrs. Electrical Socket be friends?"

"Daddy Drinks Because You Cry"

"Dad's New Wife Timothy"

"Pop! Goes The Hamster....And Other Great Microwave Games"

"The Boy Who Died from Eating All His Vegetables"

"The Pop-up Book of Human Anatomy"

"Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will"

"The Care Bears Maul Some Campers and are Shot Dead"

"How to Become The Dominant Military Power In Your Elementary School"

"Controlling the playground: Respect through Fear"

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[RudeDawg]

kinda clean:

The kindergartners were now in first grade. Their teacher wanted them to be more grown up since they were no longer in kindergarten. She told them to use grown up words instead of baby words. She then asked them to tell her what they did during the summer.


The first little one said he went to see his Nana. The teacher said, "No, no, you went to see your Grandmother. Use the grown up word."

The next little one said she went for a trip on a choo-choo. The teacher again said, "No, no, you went on a trip on a train. That's the grown up word."

Then the teacher asked the third little one what he did during the summer. He proudly stated that he read a book. The teacher asked what book he had read. He puffed out his chest and in a very adult way replied, "Winnie the Shit."


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[RudeDawg]

Walking into the bar, Harvey said to the bartender, "Pour me a stiff one, Eddie. I just had another fight with the little woman."

"Oh yeah," said Eddie. "And how did this one end?"

"When it was over," Harvey replied, "she came to me on her hands and knees."

"Really? Now that's a switch! What did she say"?

"She said, 'Come out from under that bed, you gutless weasel !!!'

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[RudeDawg]

Farmer Joe decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company responsible for the accident to court.

In court the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe. "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,"' asked the lawyer.


Farmer Joe responded, "Well. I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the ... "I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted, "just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'".


Farmer Joe said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road ..."


The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."


By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say."


Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ol' Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me. He said, "Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?"




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[mammawlin]

Three women are stranded on the 10th floor of a burning building: a blonde, a brunett and a red head. The people below get a blanket and stretch it out to catch them when they jump.

The red head jumps first and falls just to the right of the blanket onto the ground. *splat!*

The people make an adjusment in their stance and again tell them to jump. The brunett jumps this time and lands just to the left of the blanket and lands on ground too. *SPLAT!*

Once again the people make adjustments to where they are standing and yell for the blonde to jump.

The blonde yells down at them "Oh no you don't! Just lay the blanket on the ground and back away!"

Mammawlin
(Please don't any blondes take offense, I am a blonde myself. LOL)

[RudeDawg]

Two Arabs boarded a shuttle out of Washington for New York. One sat in the window seat, the other in the middle seat. Just before take off a fat little Israeli guy got on and tookthe aisle seat next to the Arabs. He kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, "I think I'll go up and get a coke.""No problem," said the Israeli. "I'll get it for you."

While he was gone, the Arab picked up the Israeli's shoe and spat in it.When the Israeli returned with the coke, the other Arab said, "That looks good. I think I'll have one too." Again, the Israeli obligingly went to fetch it, and while he was gone the other Arab picked up the other shoe and spat in it.

The Israeli returned with the coke, and they all sat back and enjoyed the short flight to New York.As the plane was landing the Israeli slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened."How long must this go on?" he asked. "This enmity between our peoples..... this hatred... this animosity... this spitting in shoes and peeing in cokes?"

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[RudeDawg]

A blonde goes out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank.


"Yoohoo" she shouts, "how can I get to the other side?"


The second blonde looks up the river then down the river then shouts back, "You are already on the other side."

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