Today's joke!!! (newspaper classified goof-ups)

[Larry_OHF]

The Classifieds


(Actual excerpts from classified sections of city newspapers)

Illiterate? Write today for free help.

Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once,
you'll never go anywhere again.

Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.

Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals,
and smacks included.

Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.

Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to
travel.

Stock up and save. Limit: one.

Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale.

3-year old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred.

Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for
efficient beating.

Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue
Cross and salary.

Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children
$2.00

For sale: antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and
large drawers.

Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra
pair to take home too.

We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully
by hand.

For sale. Three canaries of undermined sex. Great Dames for sale.

Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful
condition.

Vacation Special: have your home exterminated. Get rid of aunts.
Zap does the job in 24 hours.

Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates.
Automatically burns toast.

For Rent: 6-room hated apartment. Man, honest. Will take
anything.

Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated. Come here first.

Christmas tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person.

Wanted: Hair cutter. Excellent growth potential.

Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.

Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops.

Wanted. Widower with school age children requires person to
assume general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of
contributing to growth of family.

And now, the Superstore-unequaled in size, unmatched in variety,
unrivaled inconvenience.

We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home.

------------------

Larry,
Loyal guardian of the OHF
Devoted member of the Ironworks
Only member of the Elite Bodyguard to Rikard (the fool that takes the bullet)
Ertai's back-up
Memnoch's chief look-out
Member of the Ancients club

[adam warlock]

LOL!

------------------

[Bahamut]

wehehehehe read my sig


------------------


We have merged... and now we are called Chiharumut..wehehehe and... Stay ahead of the Avalanche or risk being buried...

[onthepequod]

LOL!

[ogopogo]

Here are some more:

Actual clippings from church newsletters:

Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa will be speaking tonight at Calvary Memorial Church in Racine. Come tonight and hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.

"Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands.

Next Sunday is the family hayride and bonfire at Fowlers'. Bring your own hotdogs and guns. Friends are welcome! Everyone come for a good time.

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community.

Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.

Don't let worry kill you - let the Church help.

Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

At the evening sevice tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.

Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple childen.

The Lutheran men's group will meet at 6 PM. Steak, mashed potatoes, green beans, bread and dessert will be served for a nominal feel.

For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

Pleas place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person(s) you want remembered.

The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of everykind. They may been seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn sing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.

The pastor would aprreciate it if the ladies of the congreation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.

Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use back door.

The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The Congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

Due to construction all babies will be baptized in the rear.

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please, use large double door at the side entrance.

The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campain slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours."

A little profreding can go a long ways.

[Sazerac]

Some Medical Records bloopers (my mom used to work in Medical Records for a hospital; I still have some of these around!) These were taken from actual patients' files and doctor's dictations. NOTE: making proofreading mistakes for medical records may cost someone their life when it comes to medications or diagnoses. These are funny, but not all mistakes are!


Looking up the patient's rectum was fine.

The patient has been up and around the halls this morning having BM's.

Both the patient and the nurse reported feeling better after having had an enema.

The patient was found dead in bed after an otherwise good day.

The patient was diagnosed with a cute appendicitis.

Bleeding started in the rectal area and continued all the way to New Orleans.

When the patient fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.

She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband said she was very hot in bed last night.

The patient has been depressed ever since seeing me in 1995.

The patient refused an autopsy.

Patient has had no past history of suicides.

The patient's white blood cells were left at another hospital.

Since she can't get pregnant by her husband, I thought you would like to work her up.

She is numb from her toes down.

I saw your patient today, who is still under car for physical therapy.

The patient lives at home with his mother, father, and pet turtle who is presently enrolled in day care three times a week.

The patient had been constipated for most of her life until 1998 when she got a divorce.

The patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

Examination of the patient's genitalia revealed that he is circus sized.

The patient was in his usual state of good health until he lost control of his car and it crashed.

Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.

The lab tests indicate an abnormal lover function.

While in the emergency room he was examined, X-rated, and sent home.

Patient was alert, and unresponsive.

Both the patient and the nurse herself reported passing flatus.

On the second day, the knee was better and by the third day it had completely disappeared.

She had a miscarriage at the age of four months.

The patient's head was in neutral.

The left leg became numb at times and he walked it off.

Husband also reports severe menstrual bleeding the past two periods.

Discharge status: alive but with permission.

This fourteen-year-old boy argued with a lawnmower, who then attacked him.

Patient was a great white male.

Patient states she was bitten by both legs of a dog.

She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in opposite directions in early December.

Patient was in her usual state of good health when she felt her toilet in her back.

Patient was admitted to the hospital on the date of her admission.

Patient was seen about four weeks ago by a physician with a urethral drip.

Coming from Shreveport, this man has no children.

The patient is a 71-year-old female who fractured her finger while beating up a cake.

Physician has been following the patient's breasts for about 6 years now.

Patient is a real gas factory.

Patient had onset of severe Sunday evening.

Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

Skin: somewhat pale but present.

Large brown stool seen ambulating in hall.

Vaginal packing out. Dr. in.

Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. ________ who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.

[Reeka]

Very funny stuff.

------------------
O_H_F