Vicotnik's chamber of laughter

Comprehending Engineers - Take Eight

An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him
and
said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."

He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog
spoke
up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful
princess,
I will stay with you for one week."
The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, and smiled at it and
returned
it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me
into a
princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want." Again the
engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his
pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a
beautiful
princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want.
Why
won't
you kiss me?"

The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a
girlfriend, but a TALKING frog, now that's cool."



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When given a choice, take both.

----------------
A retired four-star general ran into his former orderly, also retired,
in a
Manhattan bar and spent the rest of the evening persuading him to
come work for him as his valet.
"Your duties will be exactly the same as they were in the army,"
the general said. "Nothing to it-you'll catch on again fast."

Next morning promptly at eight o'clock, the ex-orderly entered the
ex-general's bedroom, pulled open the drapes, gave the general a gentle
shake, strode around the other side of the bed, spanked his employer's
wife
on her bottom and said, "OK, sweetheart, it's back to the village for
you."



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When given a choice, take both.

Company Mergers

Are your investments in order? Below are some of the latest
rumors from Wall Street. In the wake of the AOL/Time Warner
deal, here are the latest mergers we can expect to see:

Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and
W.R. Grace Company merge to become Hale Mary Fuller Grace.

Polygram Records, Warner Brothers, and Keebler Crackers merge
to become Polly-Warner-Cracker.

3M and Goodyear merge to become MMMGood.

John Deere and Abitibi-Price merge to become Deere Abi.

Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining
merge to become Zip Audi Do Da.

Honeywell, Imasco, and Home Oil merge to become Honey I'm
Home.

Denison Mines, and Alliance and Metal Mining merge to become
Mine All Mine.

Federal Express and UPS merge to become FED UP.

Xerox and Wurlitzer will merge and begin manufacturing
reproductive organs.

Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will merge and
become Fairwell Honeychild.

3M, J.C. Penney and the Canadian Opera Company will merge and
become 3 Penney Opera.

Knott's Berry Farm & National Organization of Women will
merge and become Knott NOW!
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------------------
When given a choice, take both.

man and woman are standing at the altar, waiting to be married, when
the
bride-to-be looks at her prospective groom and sees a set of golf clubs
standing next to him. "What on earth are you doing with those golf
clubs?"
she whispers. "Well," he says, "this won't take all afternoon will it?"



------------------
When given a choice, take both.

[Vicotnik]

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. "Hurry!" she said. "Stand in the corner."

She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue."

"What's this, honey?" the husband asked as he entered the room.

"Oh, it's just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smith's bought one for their bedroom. I liked the idea so much, I got one for us, too."

No more was said about the "statue." Not even later that night when they went to sleep. Around two in the morning, the husband got out of bed, went into the kitchen, and returned with a sandwich and a glass of milk.

"Here," he said to the statue. "Eat this. I stood like an idiot at the Smith's for three days and nobody offered me so much as a glass of water."
---
Thanks for your contribution JJ! ROTFLMAO

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Vicotnik, archmage of the Holy Flame - Challenge me... and die.

[Vicotnik]

It is Thanksgiving Day and a family is preparing dinner awaiting the arrival of the children's grandparents. Thomas, who is four is running around looking for is new pair of grey socks. He ventures up to the washroom where his mother is putting makeup on. Not realizing the boy is there she yells "shit" when she accidently gets makeup in her eyes. Never hearing the word before, the boy asks her, "Mommie, what does shit mean?"

The mother quickly replies, "Shit is just another word for makeup dear."

Thomas then asks his mom if she knows where his socks are and she tells him to go downstairs and ask his father.

The boy's father is stuffing the turkey when he cuts his finger by mistake. He says "■■■■." The boy asks him if he's seen his socks and the father tells him to go look in his sister's room. Before the boy leaves he asks his father what ■■■■ means and the father says "stuff". "Like stuffing a turkey."

The boy goes to his sister's room and finally finds his socks in the bedroom and puts them on just as the doorbell rings. Thomas runs down the stairs and opens the door. He greets his grandparents by saying "Hello grandma and grandpa, mommie is upstairs putting shit on her face and daddy is in the kitchen ■■■■■■■ the turkey..."


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Vicotnik, archmage of the Holy Flame - Challenge me... and die.

[The.Relic]

I hope we never lose this thread, I don't get out much these days and I rarely hear much that is worth laughing about. When I need a good chuckle, I always look forward to being able to paruse this thread.
Newbie, I've never had the pleasure of hearing any engineer joke, I find these particularly enjoyable.

[Ladyzekke]

I was at the golf store the other day comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said "I think I like playing with men's balls."

A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch and not paying attention. She went back to find out what was going on. He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently be circumsized and he was quite itchy. The teacher told him to go down to the principle's office. He was to phone his mother and ask her what he should do about it. He did and returned to his class. Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room. She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his willy hanging out. "I thought I told you to call your mom!" she screamed. "I did," he said "And she told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school."



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[Ladyzekke]

A little girl is in line to see Santa. When it's her turn, she climbs up on Santa's lap. Santa asks "What would you like Santa to bring you for Christmas"? The little girl replies "I want a Barbie and GI Joe."

Santa looks at the little girl for a moment and says "I thought Barbie comes with Ken?"

"No" said the little girl "She comes with GI Joe, she fakes it with Ken."


A man comes home from an exhausting day at work, plops down on the couch in front of the television, and tells his wife "Get my beer before it starts."

The wife sighs and gets him a beer.

Fifteen minutes later, he says "Get me another beer before it starts."

She looks cross, but fetches another beer and slams it down next to him.

He finishes that beer and a few minutes later says "Quick, get me another beer, it's going to start any minute."

The wife is furious. She yells at him "Is that all you're going to do tonight? Drink beer and sit in front of that TV? You're nothing but a lazy, drunken, fat slob, and furthermore...."

The man sighs and says "It's started."



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[Donut]

What do you call a deer with no eyes?
,
,
,
,
,
,
,
,
,
,
,
,
,
,
No Idea

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The Truth is in the Profile