Vicotnik's chamber of laughter

[Gabriel]

The Best Quotes From Couch Potato:

"For an advanced civilization, they’ve got pretty crap wristwatches, haven’t they?"
"Vicars are always more fun than little boys…Er, you wont print that one will you?"
"This is all a bit confusing. I wish they’d make the screen go a bit more wibbly when they flashback."
"The trouble with having two female characters is that one of them has to develop a character sooner or later, otherwise they’ll both reach critical mass and something messy will happen."
"This Davros sports what’s know as the ‘frustrated Ena Sharples’ look."
"This is all gibberish. They obviously had loads of budget left over and bought a shit load of acid."
"Look, this does get better later, Honest..."
"Is there a goat? I’m sorry, but unless there’s a goat I want my money back."
"So this is where I plug in my stumpy droid, right?"
"It’s not like seriously overacting and Oding on the glycerin is going to help much."
"I’m off to the bog."
"Most of the profits probably went up Carrie Fisher’s nose."
"Keyop? She’s shagging Keyop?"
"Didn’t Dave spend the first two years of ‘X-Files’ wondering why every episode was called ‘The Truth is Out There’?"
""It’s cack. Multi-coloured flying cack. An airborne funeral flower arrangement."
"Have you noticed how Kosh sounds like a children’s playground?"
"Shall we annoy him by telling him how many of the cast members in this were in ‘Doctor Who’?"
"Let’s face it, that was a pile of steaming horse-shit in spandex."
"Mullets. They still have mullets in the future. Nuke us now, there is no hope."
"There’s nothing better than French science fiction disco! Nothing."
"Bloody Yanks! If I was merely contemptuous before I’m now furious!"
"Now that’s quite sexy – a woman’s face, strange noises, rockets taking off. Do you get it? Am I alone? Am I sex obsessed?"
"Hang on. He’s passionately kissing his new bride and up pops "Produced by Reg Hill." How much more unromantic can you get."
"Sweat isn’t an emotion, Viv."
"So they are teaching astro-navigation at the Queen Vic these days."
"Oh my bollocks are reproducing at alarming rate."
"Oh… My… God! She is playing with a snake! My sexual awakening begins tonight."
"It’s true. Some Nuns complained about the size of Burt Ward’s Packet."
"Nick, string doesn’t require a high technology base."
"Why, why, why did the shopkeeper spoil his fun? Mr Benn was always just about to marry the princess and along comes the shopkeeper and says "Back to Festive Road." Why didn’t he just tell him to ■■■■ off?"
"Oh my god! It’s like a volcanic eruption on his face! Rewind! Rewind at once!"
"Xander naked… good Xander, good Xander… pin back those ears on the NHS."
"Never blow in a Zargon’s hole."
"This is the era of the five-year-old savant on the Bontempi organ."
"Timothy Dalton has got very egotistical buttocks, I must say."
"He’s just a porn star that got lucky. A shaven raver."
"You wouldn’t snot cocaine off Cilla Black’s breast, would you?"
"Eeeeeeew! Your friend just tried sniffing my jumper! I’m kinda freaked out!"

[Gabriel]

> This will amuse you I think....
>
>
> Imagine if major companies from all around the worldstarted producing and
> advertising condoms.....
>
> Nike Condoms : - Just do it.
>
> Peugeot Condoms : - The ride of your life.
>
> Sony Condoms : - Do not underestimate the power of Sony Condoms.
>
> Microsoft Condoms : - Where do you want to put it today?
>
> KFC Condoms : - Finger Licking Good.
>
> M&Ms Condoms : - Melt in your mouth, not in your hands.
>
> Safeway Condoms : - Lightening the Load
>
> Abbey National Condoms : - Because life's complicated enough
>
> Ever Ready Condoms : - Keep going and going ..
>
> ESSO Condoms: - The eye of the Tiger
>
> Pringles Condoms : - Once you pop, you can't stop.
>
> Burger King Condoms:- Home of the Whopper.
>
> Goodyear Condoms : "For a longer ride go wide"
>
> Ronseal Condoms - does what it says on the packet!
>
> Vauxhall condoms - Raising the Standard!
>
> ONdigital condoms - Plug and Play !!!
>
> L'Oreal condoms - Because I'm worth it
>
> Pepsi Condoms - Taste the difference, do the Pepsi Challenge.
>
> Guiness Condoms - Good things come to those who wait
>
> Polo Mint Condoms - The one with the hole
>
> Muller Yoghurt Condoms - Pleasure without the pain

[Gabriel]

>A man left for work one Friday afternoon. But, being
>pay-day, instead of going home, he stayed out the
>entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his
>entire paycheque.
>
>When he finally appeared at home, Sunday night, he was
>confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for
>nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.
>
>
>Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said
>to him. "How would you like it if you didn't see me
>for two or three days?"
>
>To which he replied. "That would be fine with me."
>
>Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and
>Wednesday came and went with the same results.
>
>Come Thursday, the swelling went down just enough
>where he could see her a little out of the corner of
>his left eye.

[Gabriel]

A man is waiting for wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and
informs the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs. The son
is just a head! But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can,
with love and compassion.
After 21 years, the son is old enough for his first drink. Dad takes
him to the bar, tearfully tells the son he is proud of him and orders up
the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons
looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief,the boy
takes his first sip of alcohol. Swoooop! A torso pops out! The bar is dead
silent; then bursts into a whoop of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son
to drink again. The patrons chant "Take another drink!" The bartender still
shakes his head in dismay. Swoooop! Two arms pop out. The bar goes wild.
The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The
patrons chant "Take another drink!"
The bartender ignores the whole affair. By now the boy is getting
tipsy, and with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles
the last of it. Swoooop! Two legs pop out. The bar is in chaos. The
father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God.
The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left.... then
to the right.... right through the front door, into the street, where a
truck runs over him and kills him instantly.
The bar falls silent. The father moans in grief. The bartender
sighs and says...
>
>
>
>
>
>
(wait for it...)
>
>
>
>
>
>
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"That boy should have quit while he was a head."

[Vicotnik]

LOL!! Keep 'em coming!

A 16-year-old girl finally had the opportunity to go to a party by herself. Since she was very good-looking, she was a bit nervous about what to do if boys hit on her.

Her mom said, "It's very easy! Whenever a boy starts hitting on you, you ask him, 'What will be the name of our baby?' That'll scare them off."

So off she went. After a little while at the party, a boy started dancing with her, and little by little he started kissing her and touching her.

She asked him, "What will our baby be called?"

The boy found some excuse and disappeared. Some time later, the same thing happened again: a boy started to kiss her neck, her shoulders... She stopped him and asked about the baby's name, and he ran off.

Later on, another boy invited her for a walk. After a few minutes, he started kissing her, and she asked him, "What will our baby be called?" He continued, now slowly taking her clothes off.

"What will our baby be called?" she asked once more.

He began to have sex with her.

"What will our baby be called?!" she asked again.

After he was done, he took off his "full" condom, gave it a knot, and said, "If he gets out of this one... David Copperfield!"


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Vicotnik, archmage of the Holy Flame - Challenge me... and die.

[Vicotnik]

Once, there was a preacher who was an avid golfer. Every chance he could get, he would be on the golf course swinging away. It was an obsession. One Sunday was a picture-perfect day for golfing. The sun was out, no clouds were in the sky, and the temperature was just right.

The preacher was in a quandary as to what to do, and shortly, the urge to play golf overcame him. He called an assistant to tell him that he was sick and could not do church, packed the car up, and drove 3 hours to a golf course where no one would recognize him. Happily, he began to play the course.

An angel up above was watching the preacher and was quite perturbed. He went to God and said, "Look at the preacher. He should be punished for what he is doing."

God nodded in agreement. The preacher teed up on the first hole. He swung at the ball, and it sailed effortlessly through the air and landed right in the cup 250 yards away. A picture-perfect hole-in-one. He was amazed and excited.

The angel was a little shocked. He turned to God and said, "I beg your pardon, but I thought you were going to punish him."

God smiled. "Think about it...........-who can he tell?"


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Vicotnik, archmage of the Holy Flame - Challenge me... and die.

[Vicotnik]

Superman's had a hard week of fighting crime in Metropolis and is ready for some fun. So Friday afternoon, he looks up his pals Batman and Spiderman to see if they're up for going on the prowl that evening. Both turn him down on account of prior commitments, and Superman is pretty ticked. As he's flying around the stratosphere letting off steam, he spots Wonder Woman lying on her back stark naked sunbathing on the beach.

"Hey," he thinks, "I'm Superman and I don't need those two clowns to have a good time. I can just fly down there at the speed of light, catch a quickie, and fly away before she knows what happened."

So, Superman zips down, takes advantage of the situation and flies away at the speed of light.

Wonder Woman says, "What the hell was that?"

The Invisible Man says, "I don't know but it hurt like hell."


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Vicotnik, archmage of the Holy Flame - Challenge me... and die.

[KDogRex]

*BUMP*

A defendant was on trial for murder. There was strong
evidence indicating guilt, but there was no corpse. In the
defense's closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his
client would probably be convicted, resorted to a trick.

"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you
all," the lawyer said as he looked at his watch. "Within one
minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into
this courtroom." He looked toward the courtroom door. The
jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked on eagerly. A minute
passed. Nothing happened.

Finally the lawyer said, "Actually, I made up the previous
statement. But, you all looked on with anticipation. I
therefore put to you that you have a reasonable doubt in this
case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you
return a verdict of not guilty." The jury, clearly confused,
retired to deliberate. A few minutes later, the jury returned
and pronounced a verdict of guilty.

"But how?" inquired the lawyer. "You must have had some
doubt; I saw all of you stare at the door."

The jury foreman replied, "Oh, we looked, but your client
didn't."


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When given a choice, take both.

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FUNNY THOUGHTS:
"Classic: a book people praise but don't read." - Mark Twain
-------------------------------------------------------------

QUICK WIT:

There once was a stupid man who was convicted of murder.
Before the man was sentenced, the judge asked him if he had
any final words.

He says, "Judge, I would rather die than be sent to the
electric chair.




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When given a choice, take both.