All in a week?

[*\Conan/*]

And Millions to Go Before He Sleeps

By Art Buchwald
Thursday, August 28, 2003; Page C03


Saturday: President Bush visited New York and inspected the damage caused by the blackout. After he made stops in the Bronx and Staten Island, his staff informed him that the Waldorf-Astoria Ballroom was open again, so he attended a $10,000-a-plate fundraiser for his election campaign. He blamed the Democrats and liberals in Canada for the blackout.




Sunday: President Bush went to Brooklyn this afternoon, where he had a fundraiser at Coney Island. His supporters paid $1,000 each for a Nathan's hot dog. The boardwalk was sold out.

After he left Coney Island, the president flew out to the USS John F. Kennedy, an aircraft carrier off Easthampton, and invited CEOs of defense industry companies to join him, eat with the crew, and donate $100,000 to his "Bush in '04" campaign.

Monday: President Bush flew to Arizona to witness the forest fires. He flew in a crop-dusting plane and dropped chemicals on the Grand Canyon. Then he flew back to Phoenix and told the heavy hitters that if he can have $25,000 to help him be reelected he will ask for legislation outlawing forest fires in their state.

Tuesday: President Bush devoted his whole day to pumping iron with Arnold Schwarzenegger. He told cheering Hollywood stars who had supported him in Iraq that he was for Arnold, and the money they contribute will be split between Arnold and him.

Wednesday: The White House announced the Bush presidential campaign has raised $75,000,000 so far, but needed more to buy television spots. It asked people to send checks directly to the Republican National Committee. If enough money is raised, Mr. Bush will send you a copy of his tax cut guidelines. For an extra $3,500, you will receive his secret e-mail address.

Thursday: President Bush will hold a barbecue at his ranch in Crawford, Tex., for all the lobbyists in Washington who support his environmental plans. He will serve barbecued spare ribs, Texas chili, corn on the cob and brownies. He will not ask for any contributions, but there will be a large barrel at the gate for anyone who wants to chip in for the barbecue.

Friday: As it is Homeland Security Day, the president will speak on the U.S.-Mexican border about illegal aliens coming into this country. He will congratulate the U.S. Border Patrol.

After his speech, he will go to El Paso, where he will celebrate Bush Day and be given a $2,500-a-plate "Thank God It's Friday" dinner by the University of El Paso.

Saturday: The president will attend a prayer breakfast in Birmingham, Ala. No funds will be solicited at the breakfast, but he will meet afterward with the Southern Bankers Association, which, through individual banks, has raised $10,000,000.

In every case this week, Mr. Bush has been presidential, and the only reason he has started campaigning so early is that he is afraid of every Democrat running for his seat.

As he said while jogging, "God bless America and the Republican Party."

This column was entirely fantasy. No president would actually do these things.

©2003, Tribune Media Services


© 2003 The Washington Post Company