Things Every True Southerner Should Know

The difference between a hissie fit and a conniption fit.

Pretty much how many fish make up a mess.

What general direction cattywumpus is.

That "gimme sugar" don't mean pass the sugar.

When somebody's "fixin" to do something, it won't be long.

The difference between Yankee's and damn Yankee's.

How good a cold grape Nehi and cheese crackers are at a country store.

(Knows what) "Well I Suwannee !!" means.

Ain't nobody's biscuits like Grandma's biscuits !!

A good dog is worth its weight in gold.

Real gravy don't come from the store.

The War of Northern Aggression was over state rights, not slavery.

When "by and by" is.

How to handle their "pot likker".

The difference between "pert' near" and "a right far piece".

That bear (pronounced "Bar") to the left means turn left & bear (bar) to the right means turn right.

Exactly where "over yonder" is.

Where "the holler" is.

The differences between a redneck, a good ol' boy, and trailer trash.

Never to go snipe hunting twice.

What happens when you swallow tobacco juice.

Never to assume that the other car with the flashing turn signal is actually going to make a turn.

You may wear long sleeves, but you should always roll 'em up past the elbows.

You should never loan your tools, pick-up, or gun to nobody.

Rocking chairs and swings are guaranteed stress relievers.

Rocking chairs and swings with an old person in them are history lessons.

GOD BLESSED DIXIE !!


Moni

[onthepequod]

You forgot:

To add "cow tipping" in with "snipe hunting."

How to stop your truck in the middle of main street and spend 20 minutes talking to the other yahoo in his truck on the other side of the yellow line.

You think eating Catfish is a good idea.

You can actually tell different species of Catfish apart.

Well thank you!
I am from the North originally so I am not required to know all that stuff!


I did actually have someone tell me how to get to their house once though..."You go up over yonder, bar to the left, bar to the right and we are right there in the holler!"

Thanks for the additions!


Moni

[RudeDawg]

Visitor’s Guide To Texas


Like it or not, the new Texas White House will be in Crawford, Texas and soon will be drawing a number of people to the state, including many who are not used to Texas ways. They might find the following advice useful.

1) Don't expect to find filet mignon or pasta primavera at the local restaurant. It's a cafe. They serve hamburgers and chicken fried steak. Let them cook something they know. If you confuse them, they'll kick your ass.

2) Don't laugh at the names (Merleen, Bodie, Bubba, Bobby Ray, Curley, Tammy, Lynn, Billy Joe, Sissy, Clovis, etc.). Or we will HAVE to kick your ass.

3) Don't order a bottle of pop or a can of soda. In Texas it's called a coke. Nobody gives a damn whether it's Pepsi, RC, Dr. Pepper, 7-Up or whatever - it's still a coke. Accept it. Doing otherwise can lead to an ass kicking.

4) We know our heritage. Most of us are more literate than you (read some J. Frank Dobie). We are also better educated and generally a lot nicer than you. Don't refer to us as a bunch of cowboy hicks, or we'll kick your ass.

5) We have plenty of business sense (e.g., Howard Hughes, H. Ross Perot, Southwest Airlines, Dell computers). Naturally, sometimes we have small lapses in judgment (e.g., Phil Gramm). However, we are not dumb enough to let someone move to our state just so they can run for the U.S. Senate. If anyone tried to do that they would get a serious ass kickin'.

6) Don't laugh at our Civil War monuments. If Lee had listened to Gen. Hood you'd be paying taxes to Richmond instead of Washington. If you visit the Alamo, take your hat off and be properly humble, or we'll kick your ass.

7) We are fully aware of how hot it gets and high the humidity is, so shut up about it. If you can't stand the heat get out of the kitchen, or we’ll kick your ass.

8) Do not attempt to eat tamales without first removing their cornhusk casing. Everyone will instantly know that you're a Yankee. DO NOT, under any circumstances, complain that the chili is TOO hot or contains no kidney beans, this will get your ass kicked into next week.

9) Don't talk about how much better things are at home because we know they are not. Many of us have visited Northern hell-holes like Detroit, Chicago, and DC, and we have the scars to prove it. If you don't like it here, Delta is ready when you are. Move your ass on home -- before we kick it.

10) Yes, we know how to speak proper English. We talk this way because we don't want to sound like you. We don't care if you don't understand what we are saying. All other Texans understand what we are saying and that's all that matters. Now, go away, or we'll kick your ass.

11) Don't complain that certain areas of this state "smell" of oil. If your livelihood depended on those wells you'd soon learn to love the aroma. Besides, None of OUR lakes or rivers have caught fire recently. If you whine about OUR scenic beauty, we'll kick your ass all the way back to Pittsburgh, PA.

12) Don't ridicule our Texas manners. We say sir and ma'am. We hold doors open for others. We offer our seats to old folks. Such things are expected of civilized people. Behave yourselves around our sweet little gray-haired grandmothers, or they'll kick your ass -- just like they did ours.

13) Don't think we're quaint or losers because most of us live in small towns. We do this because we have enough sense to not live in crime-infested cesspools like Baltimore. Make fun of our small towns and we'll kick your ass.

14) DO NOT DARE to tell us how to cook barbecue. This will get your ass shot (right after it is kicked). Criticize the barbecue and you may go home in a pine box -- minus your ass.

15) Remember, the only reason you are lucky enough to be here in the first place is because we have not pulled the Border Patrol off the Rio Grande and put them on the Red River (where they really belong) to keep your ass out.

16) Enjoy your visit.


------------------

The RudeDawg
Known in these Forgotten Realms as Perin LightEyes
and my girlfriends, Pamila and Phil

[This message has been edited by RudeDawg (edited 05-08-2001).]

[onthepequod]

Rude,

LOL! LOL!

At the risk of gettin' a good posterior whoopin' I have a few observations about the State of Texas. In response to:

1) You forgot Okra, Black Eyed Peas, and Grits. All I know about these is that they all taste terrible.

6) The Alamo looked bigger in the movie.

12) Excelent!!

13) See my previous post about Yahoos (pronounced Yay-hoos) stopping in the middle of Main street.

14) The best babequed Armadillo and Possum I've ever had was in Texas. Come to think of it, that the only place I've had these.


Just Kidding LoneStarDawg!

Actually, my father was born and raised in Memphis, TX.

Rudy, I got that in an E-mail one day, nearly spent the whole afternoon laughing...sent it to friends everywhere!
^5! Thank you for posting it here!

Moni

[RudeDawg]

Originally posted by onthepequod: 1) You forgot Okra, Black Eyed Peas, and Grits. All I know about these is that they all taste terrible. 6) The Alamo looked bigger in the movie. 12) Excelent!! 13) See my previous post about Yahoos (pronounced Yay-hoos) stopping in the middle of Main street. 14) The best babequed Armadillo and Possum I've ever had was in Texas. Come to think of it, that the only place I've had these. Just Kidding LoneStarDawg! Actually, my father was born and raised in Memphis, TX.

1) I must admit to liking Black Eyed Peas and Grits. Okra is only good DEEP FRIED, but then again, what isn't?

6) The Alamo WAS bigger in the movie. The only part still standing is part of one wall, and the tiny mission.

12) I ain't kidding. My grandmother was a Texan married to my Mexican grandfather. She carried a whip everyday that she could walk (she herded goats with it.) I felt that whip MANY times....

13) We also stop to let others into traffic, even if there is nobody behind us.

14) Again, I must admit. I've eaten armadillo, and possum. I've also eaten rattlesnake, gator, gator-gar, and many other things you don't want to know about.

------------------

The RudeDawg
Known in these Forgotten Realms as Perin LightEyes
and my girlfriends, Pamila and Phil

[onthepequod]

I can fully understand Gator and Rattlesnake but Possum and Armadillo? You have a stronger constitution than I do. Although I suppose I have heard of odder things. I know someone who has attended Dachsund races (twice)!

Rudy, I remember in your conversation with John the other night that you said you went hunting for Javelina...ever tasted it?
Someone told me once it was "a grey stringy meat, something akin to a giant rat" and I tasted it at a B-B-Q later that day...they were SO right! I could not even finish chewing it enough to swallow LOL!
Never had armadillo or 'possum, doubt if I ever will unless there is absolutely nothing left in the world to eat heh heh heh


Moni

Onthepequod,
Dachsund races? Is that code for having eaten dog meat?
It's actually tastey stuff...I had it in Hawaii, prepared by a Korean friend I had there...ate it before I knew what it was but I really did like it!

Moni