JJ (and Vicotnik) invite you in 4 laughs-PG13-G

[RudeDawg]

Due to increasing products liability litigation, American beer Brewers have accepted the FDA's suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all beer containers:

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol...

May leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra.

May make you think you are whispering when you are not.

Is a major factor in dancing like a retard.

May cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.

May cause you to think you can sing.

May lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.

May make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.

May make you think you have mystical Kung Fu powers, resulting in a severe a**-kicking.

Is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.

May lead you to believe you are invisible.

May lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.

May actually CAUSE pregnancy.



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The RudeDawg
Known in these Forgotten Realms as Perin LightEyes
and my girlfriends, Pamila and Pfil

[Charean]

(From "JCPeople", the company newsletter of J. C. Penney, Inc., April 2001, Vol. 3. No. 4)

A Bride to be called to make a change to her wedding Registry. It is common, almost expected, that a bride will change something on her registry at least once (dish pattern, color of towels, etc.). The Customer Service Representative told her J.C.Penney would be happy to make the change. She asked if the bride wanted to change the dishes or the linens. The bride said, "No, keep all that." She just wanted to change the name of the groom.



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Defender for the Light -
Goodness knows there is a lot of Dark out there!! - Where are my matches?!?
The secret is knowing the rules so you can bend/break them selectively!!!
Aquisition master of the Finest of Humours - and the Killer Joke
Musketeer of Fast Fourward
Looking for lost brain - I left it only for a moment....
Muse and Eternal Love of KDogRex

[Charean]

***An elementary school teacher, it is said, received this report from one of her young students:***

The bird I am going to write about is the Owl.

The Owl cannot see at all by day and at night is as blind as a bat.

I do not know much about the Owl, so I will go on to the beast which I have chosen to write about. It is the Cow.

The Cow is a mammal. It has six sides: right, left, upper, and below. At the back it has a tail on which hangs a brush. With this it sends the flies away so they do not fall into the milk.

The head is for the purpose of growing horns and also so there will be someplace for the mouth to go. The horns are to butt with, and the mouth is to moo with.

Underneath the Cow hangs the milk. It is arranged for milking. When people milk, the milk comes, and it never runs out. How the Cow does this I do not know, but it is true.

The Cow has an excellent sense of smell. It can be smelled from far away. This is the reason why there is lots of fresh air in the country.

The Man Cow is called the Ox. The Ox is not a mammal.

The Cow does not eat much, but what it eats it eats twice, so it will get enough to eat. When a Cow is hungry, it moos. When it is quiet, it is because its inside is all filled up with grass.

The Cow usually sleeps all night, so it never sees the Owl. I haven't seen one, either. But I have seen a Cow.



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Defender for the Light -
Goodness knows there is a lot of Dark out there!! - Where are my matches?!?
The secret is knowing the rules so you can bend/break them selectively!!!
Aquisition master of the Finest of Humours - and the Killer Joke
Musketeer of Fast Fourward
Looking for lost brain - I left it only for a moment....
Muse and Eternal Love of KDogRex

[adam warlock]

WOMEN'S BUMPER STICKERS

1. SO MANY MEN, SO FEW WHO CAN AFFORD ME.

2. GOD MADE US SISTERS, PROZAC MADE US FRIENDS.

3. IF THEY DON'T HAVE CHOCOLATE IN HEAVEN, I AIN'T
GOING.

4. MY MOTHER IS A TRAVEL AGENT FOR GUILT TRIPS.

5. PRINCESS, HAVING HAD SUFFICIENT EXPERIENCE WITH
PRINCES, SEEKS FROG.

6. COFFEE, CHOCOLATE, MEN ... SOME THINGS ARE JUST
BETTER RICH.

7. DON'T TREAT ME ANY DIFFERENTLY THAN YOU WOULD THE
QUEEN

8. IF YOU WANT BREAKFAST IN BED, SLEEP IN THE KITCHEN.

10. I'M OUT OF ESTROGEN - AND I HAVE A GUN.

11. GUYS HAVE FEELINGS TOO. BUT LIKE...WHO CARES?

12. NEXT MOOD SWING: 6 MINUTES

13. AND YOUR POINT IS?




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[Charean]

John and David were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking they passed the hospital swimming pool, John suddenly dove into the deep end. He sunk to the bottom and stayed there. David promptly jumped in and saved him. He swam to the bottom of the pool and pulled John out.

The medical director came to know of David's heroic act. He immediately ordered that David be discharged from the Mental Hospital, as he considered him to be OK. The Doctor said, "We have good news and bad news for you, David! The good news is that we are going to discharge you because you have regained your sanity. Since you were able to jump in and save another patient you must be mentally stable. The bad news is that the patient whom you saved hung himself in
the bathroom, and died."

David replied, "Doctor, he didn't hang himself. I hung him there to dry."



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Defender for the Light -
Goodness knows there is a lot of Dark out there!! - Where are my matches?!?
The secret is knowing the rules so you can bend/break them selectively!!!
Aquisition master of the Finest of Humours - and the Killer Joke
Musketeer of Fast Fourward
Looking for lost brain - I left it only for a moment....
Muse and Eternal Love of KDogRex

[adam warlock]

Bob and his friend, Nick, rob a bank and all they
get away with are two sacks, so they keep one each.
After awhile they meet again and Bob asks Nick, "What
did you find in your sack?"
"Half a million."
"Wow, that's a lot! What did you do with the cash?"
"I bought a house. How about your sack, Bob?"
"I didn't do as good as you, mine was full of bills."
"And what did you do with them?"
"Well, little by little, I'm paying them off . . ."

_______________________________

Long Happy Life

A woman walked up to a little wrinkled up man rocking in a chair on his porch.

"I couldn't help noticing how happy you look", she said. "What's your secret for a happy life?"

"I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he replied. "I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat lots of fatty foods, and never ever take any exercise."

"That's amazing, "the woman said. "Exactly how old are you?'

"Twenty-six," he said.



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[RudeDawg]

A man was listening to the radio when he heard that there was a car going the wrong way on Interstate 7, he knew his wife was driving on it at the time. He frantically called her on his cell phone and hysterically yelled, "Honey, watch out! There is a car going the wrong way on the Interstate 7!" His wife replied, "There isn't just one car! There are hundreds of them!"



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The RudeDawg
Known in these Forgotten Realms as Perin LightEyes
and my girlfriends, Pamila and Pfil

[Charean]

Test Questions

These are actual test answers from various schools in the Huntsville Metropolitan area, and they are funny!!

Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard, and vinegar.

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep, and canoeists.

Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q: What is a planet?
A: A body of earth surrounded by sky.

Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, AND nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun
joins in this fight.

SOCIOLOGY
Q: What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?
A: If you are buying a house, they will insist you are well endowed.

Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

BIOLOGY
Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow.

Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? (E.g., abdomen.)
A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The branium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A, E, I, O, and U.

Q: What is the Fibula?
A: A small lie.

Q: What does "varicose" mean?
A: Nearby.

Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarian Section."
A: The caesarian section is a district in Rome.

Q: What is a seizure?
A: Roman emperor.

Q: What is a terminal illness?
A: When you are sick at the airport.

Q: Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A: Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.

ENGLISH

Q: Use the word "judicious" in a sentence to show you understand its meaning.
A: Hands that judicious can be soft as your face.

Q: What does the word "benign" mean?
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

TECHNOLOGY

Q: What is a turbine?
A: Something an Arab wears on his head.

RELIGION

Q: What is a Hindu?
A: It lays eggs.


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Defender for the Light -
Goodness knows there is a lot of Dark out there!! - Where are my matches?!?
The secret is knowing the rules so you can bend/break them selectively!!!
Aquisition master of the Finest of Humours - and the Killer Joke
Musketeer of Fast Fourward
Looking for lost brain - I left it only for a moment....
Muse and Eternal Love of KDogRex

An insurance salesman was trying to persuade a housewife that
she should take out life insurance.

"Suppose your husband were to die," he said, "what would you
get?"

The housewife thought for a while, and then said, "Oh, a
parrot, I think. Then the house wouldn't seem so quiet."

-------------------------------------------------------------
Funny Thoughts
"Illiterate? Write today for free help." - Anonymous classified ad
-------------------------------------------------------------

QUICK WIT:

The other night, my wife and I were going out for dinner.
She put on eyebrow pencil, eye shadow, eyeliner, eyelashes,
mascara, toner, blush and lipstick, then turned to me and
said, "Does this look natural?"



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Unstinting Gaurdian of Children
Defender of Those Unable To

After having their 11th child, an Alabama couple
>decided that was enough, as they could not afford a
>larger bed. So the husband went to his
>doctor/veterinarian and told him that he and his
>wife/cousin didn't want to have any more children.
>
>The doctor told him that there was a procedure called
>a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was
>expensive. A less costly alternative, said the doctor,
>was to go home, get a cherry bomb (fireworks are legal
>in Alabama), light it, put it in an empty beer can,
>then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.
>
>The Alabamian said to the doctor, "I may not be the
>smartest man in the world, but I don't see how putting
>a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to
>help me."
>
>"Trust me," said the doctor.
>
>The husband still wasn't convinced, he wanted a second
>opinion, so he visited a doctor in Georgia. That
>doctor began to speak of a vasectomy, but remembering
>his patient was from Alabama, he told him to go home,
>get a cherry bomb, light it, put it in an empty beer
>can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.
>
>Since the second doctor told him to do exactly the
>same thing as the first doctor, the Alabamian figured
>the procedure, strange as it seemed, must work.
>
>So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in
>a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to
>count: "1, 2, 3, 4, 5," at which point he paused,
>placed the beer can between his legs, and resumed
>counting on his other hand.
>
>This procedure also works in The Carolinas, Tennessee,
>Mississippi, Kentucky and The Virginias.



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Unstinting Gaurdian of Children
Defender of Those Unable To