JJ (and Vicotnik) invite you in 4 laughs-PG13-G

A TOUCHING STORY OF LOVE AND MARRIAGE
>
> An elderly man lay dying in his bed. In death's agony, he suddenly smelled
> the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs.
>
> He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed.
> Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and
> with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping the
> railing with both hands. With labored breath, he leaned against the door
> frame, gazing into the kitchen.
>
> Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in
> heaven: there, spread out upon newspapers on the kitchen table were
> literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies. Was it heaven?
Or
> was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it
that
> he left this world a happy man?
>
> Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table,
landing
> on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted; the wondrous
> taste of the cookie was already in his mouth; seemingly bringing him back
to
> life. The aged and withered hand, shakingly made its way to a cookie at
the
> edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his
wife.
>
> "Stay out of those," she said, "they're for the funeral."



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Unstinting Gaurdian of Children
Defender of Those Unable To

When a guy's printer type began to grow faint, he called a
local repair shop where a friendly man informed him that the
printer probably needed only to be cleaned. Because the store
charged $50 for such cleanings, he told him he might be
better off reading the printer's manual and trying the
job himself.

Pleasantly surprised by his candor, he asked, "Does your boss
know that you discourage business?"

"Actually, it's my boss's idea," the employee replied
sheepishly. "We usually make more money on repairs if we let
people try to fix things themselves first."



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Unstinting Gaurdian of Children
Defender of Those Unable To

-------------------------------------------------------------
Funny Thoughts
"Did I forget to mention Memphis: home of Elvis AND the Ancient
Greeks." - David Byrne
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QUICK WIT:

Prosecutor: "Did you kill the victim?"

Defendant: "No, I did not."

Prosecutor: "Do you know what the penalties are for perjury?"

Defendant: "Yes, I do. And they're a lot better than the
penalty for murder."




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Unstinting Gaurdian of Children
Defender of Those Unable To

His work done for now, JJ returns to the chamber storerooms for more multiple mirthings to spring upon the defenseless denizens.

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Unstinting Gaurdian of Children
Defender of Those Unable To

Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight
safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining. Here
are some real examples that have been heard or reported:



1. From a Southwest Airlines employee: "There may be 50 ways to leave your
lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane."



2. Pilot: "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going
to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but
please stay inside the plane till we land. It's a bit cold outside, and if
you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern."



3. After landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you
enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."



4. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a
lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. Whoa!"



5. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a
flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: "Please take care when
opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure
as hell everything has shifted."



6. From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX
to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and
pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt and if you don't know
how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In
the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from
the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If
you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting
with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which
one you love more."



7. "Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but
they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember,
nobody loves you or your money more than Southwest Airlines."



8. "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation. In the event of an
emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments."



9. "As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your
belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight
attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."



10. "Last one off the plane must clean it."



11. From the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some
of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately none of them
are on this flight."



12. This was overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas,
on a particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final approach, the
captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the
flight attendant came on the PA and announced, "Ladies and gentlemen,
welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seatbelts
fastened while the captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"



13. Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We
ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the
terminal."



14. An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered
his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which
required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited,
smile, and give them a, "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said that in
light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the
eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally, everyone
had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She
said, "Sonny, did we land or were we shot down?"



15. After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the flight attendant got
on the PA and said, "Ladies and gentlemen, please remain in your seats until
Captain Crash and the crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt up
against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells
are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the
wreckage to the terminal."



16. Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank
you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane
urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope
you'll think of us here at US Airways."



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Unstinting Gaurdian of Children
Defender of Those Unable To

There are these two guys named John and Cliff. They were best
friends and were so obsessed with baseball that they would go
to 60 games a year and analyze every scoreboard. They even
promised each other that when one of them goes to heaven, the
deceased one would come back and tell the other whether there
was baseball in heaven or not.

One night Cliff dies in his sleep after watching a Chicago
White Sox game -- Chicago won, so at least he died a happy
man. The next day Cliff returns to earth to see his friend.

"Hi, John."

"Cliff, is it really you?"

"Hey, I told you I'd be back to tell you what's up. And, you
know John, there's good news and bad news."

"Okay. What's the good news?"

"There is baseball in heaven."

"The bad news?"

"You're pitching tomorrow night."



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Unstinting Gaurdian of Children
Defender of Those Unable To

-------------------------------------------------------------
Funny Thoughts
"No one will ever win the battle of the sexes; there's too much
fraternizing with the enemy." - Henry Kissinger
-------------------------------------------------------------

QUICK WIT:

I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are:
eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they
kidding? That is my idea of a perfect day!



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Unstinting Gaurdian of Children
Defender of Those Unable To

Arthur Davidson, of the Harley Davidson Motorcycle Corporation,
died and went to heaven. At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, "Since
you've
been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your
reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven."
Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said "I want to
hang out with God." St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and
introduced him to God. Arthur then asked God, "Hey, aren't you the
inventor
of woman?" God said,"Ah, yes." "Well," said Arthur, "professional to
professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention.

1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion.
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds.
3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much.
4. The intake is placed way to close to the exhaust.
And finally,
5. The maintenance costs are outrageous."

"Hmmmm, you may have some good points there," replied God,
"hold on." God went to his Celestial super computer, typed in a
few words and waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip
of
paper and God read it.

"Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed,"
God said to Arthur, "but according to these numbers, more men
are riding my invention than yours."



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Unstinting Gaurdian of Children
Defender of Those Unable To

Two moose hunters from Texas are flown into a remote lake in Alaska.
They
have a good hunt, and both manage to get a large moose. When the plane
returns to pick them up, the pilot looks at the animals and says, "This
little plane won't lift all of us, the equipment, and both of those
animals - you'll have to leave one. We'd never make it over the trees on
the
take off."
"That's baloney", says one of the hunters.
"Yeah," the other agrees, "you're just chicken: we came out here last
year
and got two moose and that pilot had some guts: He wasn't afraid to take
off!"
"Yeah", said the first hunter, "and his plane wasn't any bigger than
yours!"
The pilot got angry, and said, "Hell, if he did it, then I can do it, I
can
fly as well as anybody!" They loaded up, taxied at full throttle, and
the
plane almost made it, but didn't have the lift to clear the trees at the
end
of the lake. It clipped the tops, then flipped, then broke up,
scattering
the baggage, animal carcasses, and passengers all through the brush.
Still alive, but hurt and dazed, the pilot sat up, shook his head to
clear
it, and said, "where are we?"
One of the hunters rolled out from being thrown into a bush, looked
around,
and said "I'd say...About a hundred yards further than last year..."



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Unstinting Gaurdian of Children
Defender of Those Unable To

She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde:
...she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
...she sent me a fax with a stamp on it.
...she thought a quarterback was a refund.
...she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.
...she thought Boyz II Men was a day care center.
...she thought Eartha Kitt was a set of garden tools.
...she thought General Motors was in the army.
...she thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.
...she thought TuPac Shakur was a Jewish holiday.
..under "education" on her job application, she put "Hooked On Phonics."
...she tripped over a cordless phone.
...she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can because it said
"concentrate."
...she told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DON'T WALK."
....at the bottom of the application where it says "sign here," she put
"Sagittarius."
...she asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.
...she studied for a blood test.
...she thought she needed a token to get on "Soul Train."
...she sold the car for gas money!
...when she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead.
...when she went to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport Left,"
she turned around and went home.
...when she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she
moved.
...she thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company.
...if she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless.
...she thought that she could not use her AM radio in the evening.
...she had a shirt that said "TGIF," which she thought stood for "This
Goes
In Front"




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Unstinting Gaurdian of Children
Defender of Those Unable To