JJ (and Vicotnik) invite you in 4 laughs-PG13-G

And God Made MONTANA. . . . .
> > >
> > >
> > > Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God was
> > > missing for six days. Eventually, Michael the archangel
> > > found him, resting on the seventh day.
> > >
> > > He inquired of God, "Where have you been?" God
> > > sighed a deep sigh ofsatisfaction and proudly pointed
> > > downwards through the clouds, "Look Michael, look what
> > > I've made." Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said,
> > > "What is it?" "It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put
> > > LIFE on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be
> > > a great place of balance." "Balance?" inquired Michael,
> > > still confused.
> > >
> > > God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth,
> > > "For example, Northern Europe will be a place of
> > > great opportunity and wealth while Southern Europe
> > > is going to be poor. Over here I've placed a region
> > > of stifling hot temperature, and up there is a region
> > > of fierce cold. Over yonder is an area of arid desert,
> > > while over there is a lush and humid rain forest."
> > >
> > > The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed
> > > to a mountainous region and asked, "What's that one?"
> > > "That is Montana, the most glorious place on Earth.
> > > There are beautiful mountains, canyons, passes, lakes, rivers,
> > > exquisite prairie land, and the badlands that will host the life
that
> > > most humans don't like.
> > >
> > > The people from Montana are going to be modest,
> > > intelligent and humorous and they are going to be
> > > found traveling the world. They'll be extremely sociable,
> > > hardworking and high achieving, and they will be known
> > > throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace. All
> > > who come across them will admire the people from Montana.
> > > "Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then
> > > proclaimed, "What about balance, God?...You said there will be
> > > BALANCE!"
> > >
> > > God replied wisely, "Wait until you see the loudmouth,
whiny-assed,
> > > arrogant people I'm putting in California."
> > >


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Unstinting Gaurdian of Children
Defender of Those Unable To

THINGS I'VE LEARNED FROM MY CHILDREN...

1. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 square foot
house four inches deep.

2. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with
roller
blades, they can ignite.

3. A 3 year old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded
restaurant.

4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong
enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a superman
cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread
paint
on all four walls of a 20 by 20 foot room.

5. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When
using
the ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times
before
you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.

6. The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit
by a
ceiling fan.

7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "Uh-oh," it's already
too
late.

8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.

9. A six year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36
year
old man says they can only do it in the movies. A magnifying glass can
start a fire even on an overcast day.

10. Certain LEGOs will pass through the digestive tract of a four year
old.

11. Play Dough and Microwave should never be used in the same sentence.

12. Super glue is forever.

13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't
walk on water.

14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.

15. VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show
they
do.

16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.

18. You probably do not want to know what that odor is.

19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys do not
like
ovens.

20. The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5 minute response time.

21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms
dizzy.

22. It will however make cats dizzy.

23. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy. BONUS:


The mind of a six year old is wonderful. First Grade.....true story.
One day, the first grade teacher was reading the "Three Little Pigs" to
her
class. She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying
to
accumulate the building materials for his home. She read, "And so the
pig
went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said, `Pardon
me
sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?'" The teacher
paused then asked the class, "What do you think that man said?" One
little
boy raised his hand and said, "I think he said 'Holy S*#!! A talking
pig!'"
The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.




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Unstinting Gaurdian of Children
Defender of Those Unable To

Two priests were talking together and the older one said to the younger,
"You know, when you came into church with all your new ideas, I had
questions about how you were going to fit in and how well your ideas
were
going to work."
"When you wanted to put bucket seats down in the front two rows of
seats, I
had my doubts. But now, at every mass, the seats are filled up with
young
people, so I have to agree that it was a good idea."
"Then, when you wanted to "jazz" up the choir and we started singing
newer,
peppier songs, I was afraid it would offend the parishioners. Now, we
have
a lot of new, younger choir members, and the music seems to pick up the
services a lot more than the old music. So, once again I have to agree
that
you were right!"
"But when you wanted to put in the drive-through confessional, I have to
admit I thought you'd lost it. But now, at least, there are more people
coming to confession than ever. I think you've come up with another
good
idea."
"However, the neon sign out front that says "Toot 'n tell or go to hell"
has to go!




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Unstinting Gaurdian of Children
Defender of Those Unable To

Two new additions to the periodic table of chemical elements
Part I:

Element Name: MAN
Symbol: XY
Atomic Weight: 180+

Physical properties: Solid at room temperature but gets bent
out of shape easily. Fairly dense and sometimes flaky.
Difficult to find a pure sample. Due to rust, aging samples
are unable to conduct electricity as easily as young samples.

Chemical properties: Attempts to bond with WO any chance it
can get. Also tends to form strong bonds with itself. Becomes
explosive when mixed with KID (Element: Child) for prolonged
periods of time. Neutralizes by saturating with alcohol.

Usage: None known. Possibly good methane source. Good
specimens are able to produce large quantities on command.

Caution: In the absence of WO, this element rapidly
decomposes and begins to smell.

-------------------------------------------------------------
Funny Thoughts
"All is well...observe how noses were made to bear spectacles, and so we
have spectacles!" - Voltaire
-------------------------------------------------------------

QUICK WIT:

What did God say when he created man?
I can do better than that.



------------------
Unstinting Gaurdian of Children
Defender of Those Unable To

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http://lw8fd.law8.hotmail.msn.com/cg...=curmbox%3dF00 0000001%26a%3d04519bb41431bdb9478aa71c02be5eec%26m sg%3dMSG986823447%2e18%26start%3d415362%26len%3d49 837%26mimepart%3d3%26disk%3d216%2e33%2e240%2e72_d1 337%26login%3dyuwknw%26domain% 3dhotmail%2ecom&file=McDonald_27s.gif&domain=hotmail.com

Unstinting Gaurdian of Children
Defender of Those Unable To


[This message has been edited by JJ/newbie (edited 05-20-2001).]

[This message has been edited by JJ/newbie (edited 05-20-2001).]

THIS IS FOR THE MEN
TIRED OF RECEIVING MALE-BASHING JOKES

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time SHE brings
it.
> > > > > > > >
Why do men fart more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build
up the required pressure.
> > > > > > > >
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up
a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing
machine will probably never be able to support you.
> > > > > > > >
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows
them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
> > > > > > > >
Our last fight was my fault: My wife asked me
"What's on the TV?"
I said, "Dust!"
> > > > > > > >
How do you know when a woman is about to say
something smart?
When she starts her sentence with "A man once
told me. . ."
> > > > > > > >
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
> > > > > > > >
If your dog is barking at the back door and your
wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him
in.
> > > > > > > >
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman that won't do what she's told.
> > > > > > > >
I married Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
> > > > > > > >
I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months:
I don't like to interrupt her.
> > > > > > > >
What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her
intelligence?
Divorced.
> > > > > > > >
Marriage is a 3-ring circus:
Engagement Ring, Wedding Ring, Suffering.
> > > > > > > >
In the beginning, God created the earth and
rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
> > > > > > > >
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
> > > > > > > >
A beggar walked up to a well-dressed woman
shopping on Rodeo Drive and said, "I haven't eaten anything for four
days."
She looked at him and said, "God, I wish I had your
willpower."
> > > > > > > >
Young Son: "Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some
parts of
Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he
marries her?"
Dad: That happens in every country, son.
> > > > > > > >
A man inserted an advertisement in the
classified: "Wife Wanted."
The next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same
thing:
"You can have mine."
> > > > > > > >
The most effective way to remember your wife's
birthday is to forget it once.
> > > > > > > >
Women will never be equal to men until they can
walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still
think
they are beautiful.
--




------------------
Unstinting Gaurdian of Children
Defender of Those Unable To

Two new additions to the periodic table of chemical elements
Part II:

Element Name: WOMAN
Symbol: WO
Atomic Weight: (don't even go there)

Physical properties: Generally round in form. Boils at any
thing and may freeze at any time. Melts whenever treated
properly. Very bitter if mishandled.

Chemical properties: Very active. Highly unstable. Possesses
strong affinity with gold, silver, platinum, and precious
stones. Volatile when left alone. Able to absorb great
amounts of exotic food. Turns slightly green when placed next
to a shinier specimen.

Usage: Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for
dispersion of wealth. Probably the most powerful wealth
reducing agent known.

Caution: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands.

-------------------------------------------------------------
Funny Thoughts
"I always said I wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more
specific." - Lily Tomlin
-------------------------------------------------------------

QUICK WIT:

Two guys were walking on the street when one of them says:

"I've realized that my wife is an angel."

"Mine isn't human, either", said the second.




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Unstinting Gaurdian of Children
Defender of Those Unable To

What's the definition of a teenager?
God's punishment for enjoying sex.

Define Transvestite:
A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary.

What's the difference between the Pope and your boss?
The Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.

Why is a government worker like a shotgun with a broken firing pin?
It won't work and you can't fire it.

My mind works like lightning.
One brilliant flash and it's gone.

Never trust a stockbroker who's married to a travel agent.

The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the
bathroom.

My girlfriend hates sex in movies.
She tried it once and the seat folded up.

A husband is someone who takes out the trash and gives the impression
he just cleaned the whole house.

My next house will have no kitchen --- just vending machines.

My blond girlfriend told me, "I was worried that my mechanic might try
to rip me off, but I was so relieved when he told me all I needed was
blinker fluid."

I'm so depressed... I went to the Dr. today and he refused to write me
a prescription for Viagra. Said it would be like putting a new flagpole
on a condemned building.



------------------
Unstinting Gaurdian of Children
Defender of Those Unable To

Gardening at home
> > > >
> > > > The teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for her
> > > date with
> > > > this see-through blouse on and no bra. Her
> > > grandmother just pitches a
> > > > fit,
> > > > telling her not to dare go out like that!
> > > >
> > > > The teenager tells her "Loosen up Grams. These are
> > > modern times. You
> > > > gotta
> > > > let your rosebuds show!" and out she goes.
> > > >
> > > > The next day the teenager comes downstairs, and the
> > > grandmother is
> > > > sitting
> > > > there with no top on. The teenager wants to die.
> > > >
> > > > She explains to her grandmother that she has friends
> > > coming over and
> > > that
> > > > it
> > > > is just not appropriate...
> > > >
> > > > The grandmother says, "Loosen up, Sweetie. If you
> > > can show off your
> > > > rosebuds, then I can display my hanging baskets."
> > > >
> > > > Happy gardening >>




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Unstinting Gaurdian of Children
Defender of Those Unable To

[slackerboy]

keep it up jj, ROTFLMAO!

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