JJ (and Vicotnik) invite you in 4 laughs-PG13-G

The perfect breakfast
Your son is on the cover of the box of Wheaties.
Your mistress is on the cover of Playboy.
Your wife is on the back of the milk carton.




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Unstinting Gaurdian of Children
Defender of Those Unable To

Things You Would Never Know Without the Movies.

-It is always possible to park directly outside any building
you are visiting.

-A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended
from duty.

-If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you
bump into will know all the steps.

-Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the
communication systems of any invading alien civilization

-It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight
involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to
attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening
manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.

-When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head,
they will never suffer a concussion or brain damage.

-No one involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion,
volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.

-Police Departments give their officers personality tests to
make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is
their total opposite.

-When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English
to each other. If they're villains, they will probably speak
with an English accent.

-You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.

-Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in
seconds, unless it's the door to a burning building with a
child trapped inside.

-An electric fence, powerful enough to kill a dinosaur will
cause no lasting damage to an eight-year-old child.

-Television news bulletins usually contain a story that
affects you personally at that precise moment you turn the
television on.

-------------------------------------------------------------
Funny Thoughts
"We are just statistics, born to consume resources." - Horace
-------------------------------------------------------------

QUICK WIT:

Young Son: "Is it true, Dad? I heard that in some parts of
Asia a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?

Dad: "That happens in most countries, son."




------------------
Unstinting Gaurdian of Children
Defender of Those Unable To

Subject: Mathematics


ROMANCE MATHEMATICS
>
>Smart man + smart woman = romance
>
>Smart man + dumb woman = affair
>
>Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
>
>Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy
>
>
>
>OFFICE ARITHMETIC
>
>Smart boss + smart employee = profit
>
>Smart boss + dumb employee = production
>
>Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
>
>Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime
>
>
>
>SHOPPING MATH
>
>A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
>
>A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.
>
>
>
>GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS
>
>A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
>
>A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
>
>A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can
spend.
>
>A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
>
>
>
>HAPPINESS
>
>To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him
little.

>
>To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to
>understand her at all.
>
>
>
>MEMORY
>
>Any married man should forget his mistakes, there's no use in two
people remembering the same thing.
>
>APPEARANCE
>
>Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
>
>Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
>
>
>
>PROPENSITY TO CHANGE
>
>A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
>
>A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.
>
>
>
>DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE
>
>A woman has the last word in any argument.
>
>Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.



------------------
Unstinting Gaurdian of Children
Defender of Those Unable To

Three guys are having a relaxing day of fishing. Out of the
blue, they catch a mermaid -- who begs to be set free, in
return for granting each of them a wish.

One of the guys just doesn't believe it, and says, "Okay, if
you can really grant wishes, then double my I.Q."

The mermaid says, "Done."

Suddenly, the guy starts reciting Shakespeare flawlessly, and
analyzing what he's recited with great insight.

The second guy is so amazed he says to the mermaid, "Triple
my I.Q."

The mermaid says, "Done."

The guy starts to spout solutions to problems that have been
stumping all the great scientists of the world: the
mathematicians, physicists, chemists, and so on.

The last guy is so enthralled with the changes in his friends
that he says to the mermaid, "Quintuple my I.Q."

The mermaid looks at him and says, "You know, I normally
don't try to change people's minds when they make a wish, but
I really think you should reconsider."

The guy says, "Nope, I want you to multiply my I.Q. times
five, and if you don't do it, I won't set you free."

"Please," the mermaid says, "you don't know what you're
asking! It'll change your entire view on the universe. Won't
you ask for something else, a million dollars, anything?" But
no matter what the mermaid says, the guy insists on having
his I.Q. increased to five times its usual power.
Finally, the mermaid sighs and says, "Done."
And he turns into a woman.

-------------------------------------------------------------
Funny Thoughts
"The four stages of man are infancy, childhood, adolescence, and
obsolescence." - Art Linkletter
-------------------------------------------------------------

QUICK WIT:

Do you know how many lawyer jokes there really are in the
world?

Only three. The rest are true stories.



------------------
Unstinting Gaurdian of Children
Defender of Those Unable To

If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it
says on the aspirin bottle: Take two and keep away from children.

It's a very strange name they picked for "Social Security." For
what they actually send you, you can't afford to be "social" nor can
you really feel "secure."

Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever
seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?

It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and

blamed it on the cost of living.

We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.

The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting
something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end,
someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them

If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

The things that come to those who wait may be the things left by
those who got there first.

Give a man a fish, and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish,
and he will sit in a boat drinking beer all day.

When you're swimming in the creek and an eel bites your cheek,
that's a moray!

A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

The only cure for insomnia is to get more sleep.

Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.

I wished the buck stopped here. I could use a few.

When you go into court you are putting yourself in the hands of
12 people that weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.




------------------
Unstinting Gaurdian of Children
Defender of Those Unable To

16 steps to build a campfire
1. Split dead limb into fragments and shave one fragment into
slivers.
2. Bandage left thumb.
3. Chop other fragments into smaller fragments
4. Bandage left foot.
5. Make structure of slivers (include those embedded in hand)
6. Light Match
7. Light Match
8. Repeat "a Scout is cheerful" and light match.
9. Apply match to slivers, add wood fragments, and blow gently
into base of fire.
10. Apply burn ointment to nose.
11. When fire is burning, collect more wood.
12. Upon discovering that fire has gone out while out searching for
more wood, soak wood from can labeled "kerosene."
13. Treat face and arms for second-degree burns.
14. Relabel can to read "gasoline."
15. When fire is burning well, add all remaining firewood.
16. When thunder storm has passed, repeat steps.

The Famous Joke of the Day One Liner!

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?




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Unstinting Gaurdian of Children
Defender of Those Unable To

You don't have to be Norwegian to enjoy a good Ole and Lena joke, but
it
> helps.
>
>
> Ole took Lena home with him and took off his shirt.
> Lena says, "Ole dat's some chest you have dare.
> Ole says, " Lena, dat's a hunnert pounds of dynamite."
>
> Next he took off his pants.
> Lena says, " Ole dat's nice calves you have dare."
> Ole says, " Lena dat's a hunnert pounds of dynamite."
>
> Ole quickly reached down and pulled off his underpants
> and Lena screamed and ran out the door.
> Ole put his clothes back on and ran after her.
> Catching her Ole said, " Lena, viy did you run out like dat?"
>
> Lena said, " Vith all dat dynamite around,
> I taught it vas going to explode ven I saw how short da fuse vas!"
>



------------------
Unstinting Gaurdian of Children
Defender of Those Unable To

> WHAT HALLMARK DOESN'T PRINT............
>
> 1.So your daughter's a hooker,
> and it spoiled your day.
> Look at the bright side,
> it's really good pay.
>
> 2.My tire was thumping.
> I thought it was flat.
> When I looked at the tire.
> I noticed your cat. Sorry!
>
> 3.You had your bladder removed
> and you're on the mend.
> Here's a bouquet of flowers
> and a box of Depends.
>
> 4.You've announced that you're gay,
> won't that be a laugh,
> when they find out you're one
> of the Joint Chiefs of Staff.
>
> 5.Happy Vasectomy!
> Hope you feel zippy!
> Cause when I had mine
> I got real snippy.
>
> 6.Heard your wife left you.
> How upset you must be.
> But don't fret about it.
> She moved in with me
>
> 7.You totaled your car.
> And can't remember why.
> Could it have been.
> That whole case of Bud Dry?
>


------------------
Unstinting Gaurdian of Children
Defender of Those Unable To

> SOME CARDS YOU WILL NEVER SEE IN HALLMARK:
>
> "Looking back over the years that we've been
> together, I can't help but wonder: What was I thinking?"
>
> "Congratulations on your wedding day! Too bad no
> one likes your wife."
>
> "How could two people as beautiful you have such
> an ugly baby?"
>
> "I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone
> to love. After having met you, I've changed my mind."
>
> "I must admit, you brought Religion in my life. I never believed
>in Hell til I met you."
>
> "As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am that you're not
>here to ruin it for me."
>
> "If I get only one thing for Christmas, I hope it's your sister."
>
> "As you grow older, Mum, I think of all the gifts
> you've given me. Like the need for therapy..."
>
> "Thanks for being a part of my life!!!I never knew
> what evil was before this!"
>
> "Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go,
> would you like to take this knife out of my back. You'll
> probably need it again."
>
> "Someday I hope to get married, but not to you."
>
> "Happy Birthday! You look great for your age...
> Almost Lifelike!
>
> "When we were together, you always said you'd die
> for me. Now that we've broke up, I think it's time you kept your
> promise."
>
> "I knew the day would come when you would leave me
> for my best friend. So here's his leash, water bowl and chew toys."
>
> "I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're here."
>
> "Congratulations on your new bundle of joy. Did you ever find out who
> the father was?"
>
> "You are such a good friend that if we were on a
> sinking ship and there was only one life jacket.... I'd miss you heaps
> and think of you often."
>
> "Your friends and I wanted to do something special
> for your birthday--so we're having you put to sleep."
>
> "Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!!" (available only in Kentucky)




------------------
Unstinting Gaurdian of Children
Defender of Those Unable To

Alabama: Yes, We Have Electricity

Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can't Be Wrong!

Arizona: But It's A Dry Heat

Arkansas: Literacy Ain't Everything

California: By 30, Our Women Have More Plastic Than Your Honda

Colorado: If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother

Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only The Kennedy's Don't Own It
Yet

Delaware: We Really Do Like The Chemicals In Our Water

Florida: Ask Us About Our Grandkids

Georgia: We Put The "Fun" In Fundamentalist Extremism

Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru (Death To Mainland Scum,
But Leave Your Money)

Idaho: More Than Just Potatoes ... Well Okay, We're Not, But The
Potatoes Sure Are Real Good

Illinois: Please Don't Pronounce the "S"

Indiana: 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free

Iowa: We Do Amazing Things With Corn

Kansas: First Of The Rectangle States

Kentucky: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names

Louisiana: We're Not ALL Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our
Tourism Campaign

Maine: We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster

Maryland: If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It

Massachusetts: Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's (For Most Tax
Brackets)

Michigan: First Line Of Defense From The Canadians

Minnesota: 10,000 Lakes ... And 10,000,000,000,000 Mosquitoes

Mississippi: Come And Feel Better About Your Own State

Missouri: Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars At Work

Montana: Land Of The Big Sky, The Unabomber, Right-Wing Crazies,
And Very Little Else

Nebraska: Ask About Our State Motto Contest

Nevada: Whores and Poker!

New Hampshire: Go Away And Leave Us Alone

New Jersey: You Want A ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto
Right Here!

New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent Pets

New York: You Have The Right To Remain Silent, You Have The Right
To An Attorney ...

North Carolina: Tobacco Is A Vegetable

North Dakota: We Really Are One Of The 50 States!

Ohio: At Least We're Not Michigan

Oklahoma: Like The Play, Only No Singing

Oregon: Spotted Owl ... It's What's For Dinner

Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal

Rhode Island: We're Not REALLY An Island

South Carolina: Remember The Civil War? We Didn't Actually
Surrender

South Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota

Tennessee: The Educashun State

Texas: Si, Hablo Ingles (Yes, I Speak English)

Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus

Vermont: Yep

Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs And Slackjaw Yokels Don't
Mix?

Washington: Help! We're Overrun By Nerds And Slackers!

Washington, D.C.: Wanna Be Mayor?

West Virginia: One Big Happy Family ... Really!

Wisconsin: Come Cut The Cheese

Wyoming: Where Men Are Men ... and the sheep are scared!!!




------------------
Unstinting Gaurdian of Children
Defender of Those Unable To