Derangements old and new

[John D Harris]

Never lie to your Mother, AND never underestimate the intelligence of a mother.
Brian invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the meal, Brian's mother couldn't help but keep noticing how beautiful Brian's roommate,
Stephanie, was. Mrs. Hester had long been suspicious of a relationship between Brian and his roommate, Stephanie, and this had only made her more curious.
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, Mrs. Hester started to wonder if there was more between Brian and his roommate,
Stephanie, than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, Brian volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you Stephanie and I are just roommates."
About a week later, Stephanie came to Brian saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle.
You don't suppose she took it, do you?". Brian said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll send her a e-mail just to be sure."
So he sat down and wrote: "Dear Mother, I'm not saying that you "did" take the gravy ladle from the house, and I'm not saying that you "did not" take the gravy ladle, but the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner. Love,
Brian"
Several days later, Brian received a letter from his mother that read:
"Dear Son, I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Stephanie, and I'm not saying that you "do not" sleep with Stephanie. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now

Love, Mom"

*******************
Two blondes are new arrivals at the pearly gates, and are comparing
stories on how they had died.
First Blonde, "I froze to death."
Second blonde, "Froze to death - how horrible!"
First blonde, "Well, it wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold,
I began to get warm and sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What
about you?"
Second blonde, "I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my
husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I
found him all by himself in the den, watching TV."
First blonde, "So what happened?"
Second blonde, "I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere,
that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under every bed. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack
and died."
First blonde, "Too bad you didn't look in the freezer - we'd both still be alive."
*********************
You think your day is going bad.... read this.
.................................................. ........................................

This little guy is sitting at the bar just staring at his drink. He's been sitting there for half an hour when this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, grabs his drink and gulps it down in one swig. The poor little guy starts crying.

"Come on man, I was just giving you a hard time," says the truck driver. "I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man crying."

"This is the worst day of my life," says the little guy between sobs. "I can't do anything right. I overslept and was late to an important meeting, so my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car was stolen and I have no insurance. I grabbed a cab home but, after the cab left, I discovered I had forgotten my wallet in it. At home I found my wife in bed with the mail man. "So I came to this bar and was thinking about putting an end to my life, and you show up and drank the damn poison."
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HOW TO KEEP A HEALTHY LEVEL OF INSANITY
1) At lunch time, sit in your parked car and point a hair dryer at passing
cars to see if they slow down.
2) Page yourself over the intercom. (Don't disguise your voice.)
3) Insist that your e mail address is: Xena-goddess-of-fire@companyname.com

Elvis-the-King@companyname.com.
4) Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with
that.
5) Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair
dancing.
6) Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "IN."
7) Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.
8) Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten
over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
9) In the memo field of all your checks, write 'for sexual favors.'
10) Reply to everything someone says with, "That's what you think."
11) Finish all your sentences with "In accordance with the prophecy."
12) Adjust the tint on your monitor so that the brightness level lights
up the entire work area. Insist to others that you like it that way.
13) Don't use any punctuation.
14) As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
15) Ask people what sex they are.
16) Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."
17) Sing Along at the opera.
18) Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.
19) Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Wear
them one day after your boss does. (This is
especially effective if your boss is the opposite gender.)
20) Send e-mail to the rest of the company to tell them what you're doing.
For example: If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom.
21) Put mosquito netting around your cubicle.
22) Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their
party because you're not in the mood.
23) Call 911 and ask if 911 is for emergencies
24) Call the psychic hotline and just say, "Guess"
25) Have your co-workers address you by your wrestling name, Rock Hard.
26) When the money comes out of the ATM, scream "I Won!", "I Won!" "3rd
time this week!!!"
27) When leaving the Zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling "Run
for your lives, they're loose!"
28) Tell your boss, "It's not the voices in my head that bother me, its the
voices in your head that do"
29) Tell your children over dinner. "Due to the economy, we are going to have
to let one of you go"
30) Every time you see a broom yell "Honey, your mother is here"
*******************
A man was walking in the city, when he was accosted by a particularly
dirty and shabby-looking bum who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.
The man took out his wallet, extracted two dollars and asked, "If I gave you this money, will you take it and buy whiskey?"
"No, I stopped drinking years ago," the bum said.
"Will you use it to gamble?" "I don't gamble. I need everything I can get just to stay ! alive." "Will you spend the money on greens fees at a golf course?"
"Are you MAD? I haven't played golf in 20 years!"
The man said, "Well, I'm not going to give you two dollars. Instead, I'm going to take you to my home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife." The bum was astounded.
"Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty bad."
The man replied, "Hey, man, that's OK! I just want her to see what a man looks like who's given up drinking, gambling, and golf!"
*****************
THE THERMODYNAMICS OF HELL
The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term exam. The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.
***Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic
(absorbs heat)? Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some variant, but fell short in producing a demonstration argument.

One student, however, wrote the following:
"First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, lets look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added. This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
Considering then the postulate presented to me by Teresa K. during my Freshman year: that "it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that over two years later, I still have not succeeded in having relations with her; then, #2 cannot be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and will not freeze."
The student received the only "A" given.
******************

Subject: DARWIN AWARDS (NEW ONES )

DARWIN AWARDS

Hard to believe, but another year has passed. For those who don't know it, and we have once again found the Darwin Award Winning Nominees. The Darwin's are awarded every year to the persons who died (or almost died) in the stupidest way. Named Darwin Awards because it is hoped that "Survival of the Fittest" means something. Hopefully these idiots haven't passed along their stupidity.

This year's nominees are:

Nominee No. 1:

[San Jose Mercury News]: An unidentified man, using a shotgun like a club to break a former girlfriend's windshield, accidentally shot himself to death when the gun discharged, blowing a hole in his gut.

Nominee No. 2:

[Kalamazoo Gazette]: James Burns, 34, (a mechanic) of Alamo, Mich., was killed in March as he was trying to repair what police describe as a "farm type truck." Burns got a friend to drive the truck on a highway while Burns hung underneath so that he could ascertain the source of a troubling noise. Burns' clothes caught on something, however, and the other man found Burns "wrapped in the drive shaft."

Nominee No. 3:

[Hickory Daily Record]: Ken Charles Barger, 47, accidentally shot himself to death in December in Newton, NC, awakening to the sound of a ringing telephone beside his bed, he reached for the phone but grabbed instead a Smith &Wesson 38 Special, which discharged when he drew it to his ear.

Nominee No. 4:

[UPI, Toronto]: Police said a lawyer demonstrating the safety of windows in a downtown Toronto skyscraper crashed through a pane with his shoulder and plunged 24 floors to his death. A police spokesman said Garry Hoy, 39, fell into the courtyard of the Toronto Dominion Bank Tower early Friday evening as he was explaining the strength of the building's windows to visiting law students. Hoy previously has conducted demonstrations of window strength according to police reports. Peter Lawson, managing partner of the firm Holden Day Wilson, told the Toronto Sun newspaper that Hoy was "one of the best and brightest" members of the 200-man association.

Nominee No. 5:

[Bloomberg News Service]: A terrible diet and room with no ventilation are being blamed for the death of a man who was killed by his own gas. There was no mark on his body and an autopsy showed large amounts of methane gas in his system. His diet had consisted primarily of beans and cabbage (and a couple of other things). It was just the right combination of foods. It appears that the man died in his sleep from breathing the poisonous cloud that was hanging over his bed. Had he been outside or had his windows been opened, it wouldn't have been fatal. But the man was shut up in his near airtight bedroom. According to the article, "He was a big man with a huge capacity for creating "this deadly gas." Three of the rescuers got sick and one was hospitalized.

Nominee No. 6:

[The News of the Weird]: Michael Anderson Godwin made News of the Weird posthumously. He had spent several years awaiting South Carolina's electric chair on a murder conviction before having his sentence reduced to life in prison. While sitting on a metal toilet in his cell attempting to fix his small TV set, he bit into a wire and was electrocuted.

Nominee No. 7:

[The Indianapolis Star]: A cigarette lighter may have triggered a fatal explosion in Dunkirk, Indiana. A Jay County man using a cigarette lighter to check the barrel of a muzzle loader was killed Monday night when the weapon discharged in his face, sheriff's investigators said. Gregory David Pryor, 19, died in his parents' rural Dunkirk home about 11:30 PM. Investigators said Pryor was cleaning a 54-caliber muzzle loader that had not been firing properly. He was using the lighter to look into the barrel when the gun powder ignited.

Nominee No. 8:

[Reuters, Mississauga, Ontario]: A man cleaning a bird feeder on the balcony of his condominium apartment in this Toronto suburb slipped and fell 23 stories to his death. Stefan Macko, 55, was standing on a wheeled chair when the accident occurred, said Inspector D'Arcy Honer of the Peel Regional Police. "It appears the chair moved and he went over the balcony," Honer said.

Finally, Nominee No. 9, The Winner!!!:

[Arkansas Democrat Gazette]: Two local men were injured when their pickup truck left the road and struck a tree near Cotton Patch on State Highway 38 early Monday. Woodruff County deputy Dovey Snyder reported the accident shortly after midnight Monday. Thurston Poole, 33, of Des Arc and Billy Ray Wallis, 38, of Little Rock were returning to Des Arc after a frog gigging trip. On an overcast Sunday night, Poole's pickup truck headlights malfunctioned. The two men concluded that the headlight fuse on the older model truck had burned out. As a replacement fuse was not available, Wallis noticed that the .22 caliber bullet from his pistol fit perfectly into the fuse box next to the steering wheel column. Upon inserting the bullet the headlights again began to operate properly and the two men proceeded on eastbound toward the White River Bridge. After traveling approximately twenty miles and just before crossing the river, the bullet apparently overheated, discharged and stru! ck Poole in the right testicle.

The vehicle swerved sharply right, exiting the pavement and striking a tree. Poole suffered only minor cuts and abrasions from the accident, but will require surgery to repair the testicle. Wallis sustained a broken clavicle and was treated and released. "Thank God we weren't on that bridge when Thurston shot his balls off or we might both be dead" stated Wallis. "I've been a trooper for ten years in this part of the world, but this is a first for me. I can't believe that those two would admit how this accident happened," said Snyder. Upon being notified of the wreck, Lavinia (Poole's wife) asked how many frogs the boys had caught and did anyone get them from the truck??

[Ladyzekke]

ROTFL! Good ones Mr. Harris! And all together in one nice thread too [img]smile.gif[/img]

BTW, you got me on the first two jokes, I never even saw the ending coming ROTFL!