Should you smack your children?

[Cloudbringer]

[img]graemlins/wow.gif[/img] I continue to be amazed at all the people who say that spankings or physical pain are sometimes the ONLY thing a child will understand. I understood quite well what NO tv or SIT on the stairs meant! And being physically plopped on the stair when I got stubborn, sure worked.

Maybe I was just God's gift to the world of parenting? LOL I highly doubt that! [img]graemlins/laugh2.gif[/img]

I've had to deal with a friend's son who was a handful, an only child (SPOILED). You know what worked on a whiny brat one day? He whined and whined and WHINED for an hour about not wanting to go to the store with me and his aunts and grandmother unless we bought him something (he was about 7 or 8 by this time) and he got into a mini-tantrum tossing his toys at the sofa. His grandmother and one aunt were saying ok, they'd buy something to shut him up.. I said "No, I won't go shopping then". Told him he was being selfish and that people shouldn't have to buy him something just to go out or be obliged to EVERY time they went out.

He threw a tantrum, demanded to GO to the store and I said quietly, "Well, I thought you just loved me and liked me to visit, I didn't realize all you wanted from me was toys." and started up the stairs.. he RAN AFTER ME and asked me to repeat what I'd said, I did, he cried and said "NO! That's not true!" but I went upstairs anyway.

We did go shopping and he didn't ask for a thing. Later his grandmother bought a video he'd wanted but I had no control over that. [img]tongue.gif[/img] I dunno, I've seen his mother get exasperated, but she never spanked him, and he's turned into a pretty decent kid at 11, too!

I think kids respond to how the adult reacts as well. One of my friends who used time outs and never spanked, would put her hands on her toddlers shoulders in mid-rage (kid's, not hers!) and say calmly, "enough, that's enough" and it worked every time I saw her do it. Oh he still sniffled but stopped the out of control screaming.

I know I didn't lie to my Dad because I loved and respected him and also because I knew how he felt about it and didn't want him to disapprove of me. Not because I feared PAIN of the physical kind, but pain in the sense of letting him down. You know... I'd rather live with the latter memory, myself. [img]smile.gif[/img]

PS: Cerek, I've seen BADLY applied Dr. Spock drivel not work, my own uncle used it and they never really disciplined their kids while young. The kids were out of control brats! BUT PLEASE NOTE: I have VERY close friends, a married couple who raised two kids on the time out/extra chores/no privileges method and talked with their kids about everything. They reasoned, punished accordingly but never spanked. Let me tell you, those are two incredibly well behaved young people today! The boy is almost 16 and the daughter is 12. I can honestly say, I've never seen better behaved American kids.

[ 05-16-2002, 08:46 PM: Message edited by: Cloudbringer ]

[Animal]

Perhaps me original post was not clear. There may be some children that only understand a spanking, I don't know, I've never needed to do that with mine, but I've seen a few children who are completely unruly. I attend a single parents group, and one of our members has quite a problem with her 11yr old son. He has been physically abusive with her mother actually striking her. Now she is quite a tiny lady, so what is a parent to do in that situation? I am no advocate of child abuse, and many parents find hitting their kids an easy way out, but I will not rule out any possibility. Besides, my physical stature is usually enough to intimidate most children when need be. LOL

[Cloudbringer]

Originally posted by Animal: Perhaps me original post was not clear. There may be some children that only understand a spanking, I don't know, I've never needed to do that with mine, but I've seen a few children who are completely unruly. I attend a single parents group, and one of our members has quite a problem with her 11yr old son. He has been physically abusive with her mother actually striking her. Now she is quite a tiny lady, so what is a parent to do in that situation? I am no advocate of child abuse, and many parents find hitting their kids an easy way out, but I will not rule out any possibility. Besides, my physical stature is usually enough to intimidate most children when need be. LOL

Think about that lady, though. If she's not 'intimidating' trying to 'spank' an 11 year old who ALREADY USES PHYSICAL means of getting her own way, isn't likely to work, is it? In my experience it just means a knock down drag out brawl btwn child and parent if the parent strikes the child at that point. It surely isn't going to make the point that HITTING mom is bad if MOM hits the kid! However, I do think the mother needs to take that kid to a counselor or tough love camp if she's abusing her own parent like that!

LOL- I'm 4'11, so I guess I won't initimidate anyone physically! *giggle* I'll leave that to my 6'3' boyfriend.

[ 05-16-2002, 09:12 PM: Message edited by: Cloudbringer ]

[Ladyzekke]

Well when I grew up my Mom was the mean one, my dad would never spank, he just told me he was "dissappointed" in me and that had a huge effect on me, it made me think of what I did, why he was mad, and I recognized my error, and felt remorseful for it, whereas my mom just spanked me, once beat me with her fists on my back when I was 9, her "spankings" did not make any difference to me in that I learned a "right and wrong" lesson, it merely just made me hate her for hurting me.

I also believe that being a parent is also being a huge "influence". If you a loud, arrogant, argumentative type person, don't be surprised if your child gets bullying tendencies, and using spanking, or any other kind of violence, as a punishment for said bullying, then you are only condoning that type of aggressive thinking even more.

Kids basically act like you act (as a parent), if you are always bitching and complaining about things, unsatisfied if you will, then don't be surprised if your kid has temper tantrums. Kids really do see everything, and it sticks in their heads, and sometimes the effects don't even show up until years and years later.

Of course, every situation, every family, every child is different, there is no "fool proof" way of raising children because of that, but just wanted to mention that sometimes using pain doensn't always pan out the way you think it might.

[ 05-16-2002, 08:58 PM: Message edited by: ladyzekke ]

[John D Harris]

Originally posted by Lord Shield: quote: Originally posted by Melusine: quote: Originally posted by Lord Shield: may as well leave the kid-beaters to it

Just so everybody knows - those are LS's words, not mine (just to be sure as some people have a tendency to merge all the opposing voices together). I think every parent should decide for him/herself what the best way of raising a
child is and I do not call anyone who raises their hand to their child a kid-beater - I'd have to call my own parents kid-beater in that case.[/QUOTE]thsoe wortds may have been strong but what I meant was leaving it to the parents that think pain is the answer, since they find reasons to disallow opposing viewpoints[/QUOTE]Lord Shield, and Miss Melusine Ma'am do you not see that the disallowing goes both ways? Honestly Look at the title of this thread the word "SMACK" is used, I'm willing to bet in All of it's negative conotations (SP?). It allready assumes that spanking is negative, evil, only to be used by the most Trogliditish (I just love making up New Harrisism's) of parents. HELL the first page is allmost exclusively made up of ANY PARENT that spanks, swatts,thinks about it, even for a fleeting moment is evil hateful, UNLOVING, stupid parents, posts. Please stop the disallowing viewpoints stuff, it "SMACKS"(pun intended) of Hypocrisy and is beneath both of You. Consider the "Cloudy" approach Miss Cloudbringer, has been very effective at presenting an opposing view. She has neither thrust upon, or had thrust upon her this "If you disagree with me you are being close minded and are just mean, Oh by the way I don't have to be held to the same standard" stuff.

I'm coming down on both of you because I have found both of you in the past to be intellectually honest, and honourable in the majority of your posts. But you are both grownup enough to make up your own minds on what I have written. I just hate to see such fine and reasoning thinking viewpoints, sink to become the very thing they dispise.

Don't that sound nice, actually I don't give a DAMN. (just KIDDING I've been sitting on that saying for awhile and haven't found a time I could use it )

[Animal]

Once again, I've been unclear. After several beers, and before anybody says anything my daughter is away with friends camping for the long weekend, I don't drink around my daughter. I don't think spanking is an option either, but I've never been in a desperate situation where the thought has crossed my mind, so I can't say with 100% certainty that I wouldn't. Because of my size, I'm 6'5", 260lbs, I wouldn't even dream of spanking a child. Restraining a child, however, is a different ball game. Tough Love camp? I've never heard of that before?

[Cloudbringer]

Hi Animal! Don't worry, I wouldn't think ill of you if you had a drink in front of your child, doesn't sound like you'd go on a drunken binge, anyway. [img]smile.gif[/img] Yes, I've not dealt with them, myself,but I've heard of them. They are camps run by various groups, retired marines, counselors etc, who teach difficult children (like the ones who abuse Parents) what discipline is about, by using boot camp training tactics. It's rough but I've seen where they get fairly good results. I think it's a 'last ditch option' for most parents with very unruly and sometimes dangerous children. (usually teens)

[img]graemlins/blush.gif[/img] John D. you make me blush. I do understand Melusine and LS's frustration with some of the posts here, though.
Hmmm.. if I toss my opinions around long enough, you think anyone will catch them?

[Ladyzekke]

Originally posted by Animal: Once again, I've been unclear. After several beers, and before anybody says anything my daughter is away with friends camping for the long weekend, I don't drink around my daughter.

LOL Animal, enjoy the evening to yourself, cheers [img]smile.gif[/img]

[Animal]

Hi Cloudbringer,

Drunken binge? Hmmph, have you noticed my handle? Animal... No, never around Ashley. Thanks for the advice, I'll mention it to Mousey, but I don't think we have anything like that up here. Sounds like a US thing (no offense.) It's good to meet you. I felt like an intruder on this board sometimes, as I didn't fit in with the clique of the "old timers."

[Animal]

Thanks Ladyzeke. It's been a couple of years since I had this kind of freedom. I saw her off this morning, and I miss her already!