Joke World 5-1-80

[Arvon]

Been told here before.

Three Old Men

Three old men were sitting around and talking. The 80 year-old said, "The best thing that could happen to me would just to be able to have a good pee. I stand there for twenty minutes, and it dribbles and hurts. I have to go over and over again."

The 85 year-old said, "The best thing that could happen to me is if I could have one good bowel movement. I take every kind of laxative I can get my hands on and it's still a problem."

Then the 90 year-old said, "That's not my problem. Every morning at 6:00 am sharp, I have a good long pee. At 6:30 am sharp I have a great bowel movement. The best thing that could happen to me would be if I could wake up before 7:00 am."

[Arvon]

What does success mean?
At the age of 3 it means not shiting in your pants.
At the age of 12 it means having friends.
At the age of 18 it means having a drivers license.
At the age of 20 it means having sex.
At the age of 35 it means having money.
and

At the age of 50 it means having money.
At the age of 60 it means having sex.
At the age of 70 it means having a drivers license.
At the age of 75 it means having friends.
At the age of 80 it means not shiting in your pants.

[VulcanRider]

Sent over by a buddy who's definitely over 60.

- - -

Q: My wife is going through menopause. What can I do?
A: Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can finish the basement or shed; when you are done you will have a place to live.
- - -
Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your 60+ year old husband?
A: Tell him you're pregnant.
- - -
Q: Where can men or women over the age of 60 find young, sexy members of the opposite sex who are interested in them?
A: Try a bookstore -- under fiction.
- - -
Q: How can you avoid spotting a wrinkle every time you walk by a mirror?
A: The next time you're in front of a mirror, make sure you're not wearing your glasses.
- - -
Q: Why should 60+ year old people use valet parking?
A: Valets don't forget where they park your car.
- - -
Q: Is it common for 60+ year olds to have problems with short term memory storage?
A: Storing memory is not the problem, retrieving it is the problem.
- - -
Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly?
A: Yes, but usually only in the afternoon.
- - -
Q: Where do 60+ year olds look for fashionable glasses?
A: Their foreheads.
- - -
Q: What is the most common remark made by 60+ year olds when they enter antique stores?
A: "Hey! I remember these!"
- - -
Q: What is a 60+ year old's most frequent thought when going from one room to another?
A: "What did I come here for?"
- - -
Q: What is the most effective form of birth control for people 60 and over?
A: Nudity.

[Arvon]

From "Dear Abby" newspaper column-

Dear Abby: I have always wanted to have my family history traced, but I can't afford to spend a lot of money to do it. Any suggestions? -Sam in California

Dear Sam: Yes. Run for public office.

[Arvon]

A little PG.

Three pregnant women are sitting in a cafe having lunch, when one of them says, "I know that I'm going to have a boy."

The other two women think about that for a moment, and then one of them says, "OK, how do you know you're going to have a boy?"

"Well, when the child was conceived," says the first women, "I was on top. So I'm going to have a boy."

They sit and eat for a few minutes more, and then the second woman says, "Well, I'm going to have a girl."

"OK," says the first one, "how do you know you're going to have a girl?"

"Well, when my child was conceived, I was on the bottom. So I'm going to have a girl."

They sit and eat for a few minutes more, the third woman obviously getting more and more distressed, until finally she breaks down into horrible sobbing?

"What's wrong, what's wrong?" the first two women ask with concern.

The third woman manages to stifle her sobs long enough to only say one thing....

"I'm going to have a puppy!"

[Arvon]

Our local PBS outlet here has been showing a series of Joseph Campbell lectures, as they always do when it's time to wring a little money out of the viewers. On a recent episode, the late Professor Campbell was talking about the time when life begins, and he told this little story:

A Catholic priest, a Protestant minister, and a Jewish rabbi were discussing when life begins.

"Life begins," said the priest, "at the moment of fertilization. That is when God instills the spark of life into the fetus."

"We believe," said the minister, "that life begins at birth, because that is when the baby becomes an individual and is capable of making its own decisions and must learn about sin."

"You've both got it wrong," said the rabbi. "Life begins when the children have graduated from college and moved out of the house..."

[Arvon]

Johnny's Lies

Little Johnny is constantly late for school and what's worse is that he always has a big lie explaining why. The teacher tells the principal that she has had it with his exaggerations. The principal tells her to send Johnny to him the next time he shows up late. He will tell Johnny a lie so big that he will never tell another one. Ever.

The next day, Johnny shows up 2 hours late. Johnny says, "I was 2 hours early today so I had time to fish in the pond on my way to school. I caught a 17-pound trout and had to take it home. If I didn't clean it and freeze it, my mom would've been angry. That's why I'm so late".

The teacher promptly takes him to the principal's office and explains the story to the principal.

The principal tells Johnny about his own trip to school that day. He says, "I was walking to school through the park on the trail today when I heard something behind me. I turned around and was shocked to see a giant grizzly bear behind me. He was 24 feet tall and had 6-inch fangs. He was going to eat me, Johnny! Just then a little dog ran out from the bushes, jumped up and attacked the bear. The little dog killed the bear and then ate the whole bear right there in front of me. What do you think of that, Johnny?"

Johnny replies, "Oh yeah, that's my dog Sparky. That's his third bear this week."

[Bungleau]

The Polish Archeologist
-----
After having dug to a depth of 10 meters last year, Italian scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the Italians, in the weeks that followed, German scientists dug to a depth of 20 meters, and shortly after, headlines in the German newspapers read: 'German archaeologists have found traces of 200 year-old copper wire and have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the Italians.'

One week later, 'The Daily Zgoda', a Polish newspaper, reported the following: 'After digging as deep as 30 meters in potato fields near Warsaw, Stanley Skrzepcynski, a self-taught archeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Stash has therefore concluded that 300 years ago Poles were already using wireless.

[Arvon]

The grizzled old sea captain was quizzing a young, tyro naval student. "What steps would you take if a sudden storm came up on the starboard?"

"I'd throw out an anchor, sir."

"What would you do if another storm sprang up aft?"

"I'd throw out another anchor, sir."

"But what if a third storm sprang up forward?"

"I'd throw out another anchor, captain."

"Just a minute, son. Where in the world are you getting all these anchors?"

"From the same place you're getting all your storms, sir."

(Now, that's a BRAVE sailor....)

[Arvon]

A little PG:

An old man, Mr. Wallace, was living in a nursing home.

One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed.

Nurse Tracy asked him if there was anything wrong,

'Yes, Nurse Tracy ,' said Mr. Wallace.

'My Private Part died today, and I am very sad.'

Knowing her patients were a little forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she replied, 'Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Wallace. Please accept my condolences.'

The following day, Mr. Wallace was walking down the hall with his Private Part hanging out of his pajamas.

He met Nurse Tracy. 'Mr. Wallace,' she said, 'You shouldn't be walking down the hall like that.

Please put your Private Part back inside your pajamas.'

'But, Nurse Tracy I can't,' replied Mr. Wallace. 'I told you yesterday that my Private Part died.

'Yes,' said Nurse Tracy, 'you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your pajamas?'

'Well,' he replied, 'Today is the viewing.'