Joke World 12-01-08

[Bungleau]

Not sure if this has been posted before or not, but it's hilarious! And cube-friendly, too... as long as the volume isn't up too loud

[VulcanRider]

The new supermarket near our house has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.

When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and witness the scent of fresh hay.

When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.

The veggie department features the smell of fresh buttered corn.

I don't buy toilet paper there any more.

[Timber Loftis]

For the Ladies:

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash
his sweat-shirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he
shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"




"It depends, " I replied. "What does it say on your
shirt?"




He yelled back, " University of Oklahoma "




And they say blondes are dumb...





-----------------------------------------------------------




A couple is lying in bed. The man says,




"I am going to make you the happiest woman in the
world."




The woman replies, "I'll miss you..."




------------------------------------------------------




"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as
he stepped out of the shower, "honey, what do you think the neighbors
would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"




"Probably that I married you for your money," she
replied.


-----------------------------------------------------

Q: What do you call an
intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?



A: A rumor


-----------------------------------------------------



A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating
their 40th wedding anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came
to
them and said that because they had been so good that each one of them
could
have one wish.




The wife wished for a trip around the world with her
husband.




Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in
her
hands.




The man wished for a female companion 30 years
younger...




Whoosh...immediately he turned ninety!!!




Gotta love that fairy!



-----------------------------------------------------------


Dear Lord,


I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to
forgive
him; And Patience for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength,
I'll
beat him to death. AMEN




------------------------------------------------------------
------------------------------------------------------------ ---------
-



Q: Why do little boys whine?




A: They are practicing to be men.




-----------------------------------------------------




Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?




A: Trustworthy.




-----------------------------------------------------




Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping
for
breath and calling your name?




A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.


-----------------------------------------------------



Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the
toilet?

A: It helps them remember which end they need to wipe.

[Timber Loftis]

A very simple method used by the Danes to get speeders to slow down. (18+ content)
No time to chat, gotta catch my flight to Copenhagen..

NOTE: NSFW

Speedlimit Signs

[Timber Loftis]

Taliban p u ss y!!!!!!















Wait for it.

[Arvon]

A new miracle doctor was in town. He could cure anything and anybody, and everyone was amazed with what he can do. Everyone except for Mr. Smith, the town grouch.

So Mr. Smith went to this 'miracle doctor' to prove that he wasn't anybody special. So he goes and tells the doctor, "Hey, doc, I have lost my sense of taste. I can't taste nothin', so what are ya goin to do?"

The doctor scratches his head and mumbles to himself a little, then tells Mr. Smith, "What you need is jar number 43."

Jar number 43? Mr. Smith wonders.

So the doctor brings the jar and tells Mr. Smith to taste it. He tastes it and immediately spits it out, "This is gross!" he yells.

"I just restored your sense of taste Mr. Smith," says the doctor.

So Mr. Smith goes home very mad.

One month later, Mr. Smith goes back to the doctor along with a new problem, "Doc," he starts, "I can't remember!"

Thinking he got the doctor, the doctor scratches his head and mumbles to himself a little and tells Mr. Smith, "What you need is jar number 43..."

[Arvon]

I think this is a rerun...

Young Boudreaux applied for an engineering job way, way up north in Shreveport. A local man applied for the same job and both applicants, having the same qualifications, were asked to take a test by the department manager.

Upon completion of the test, both men missed only one question. The manager went up to Boudreaux and said "Thank you for your interest, but we' ve decided to give the local man the job." Boudreaux said "Why

You gonna be doin dat sir, we both got 9 questions right?"

The manager said, "We made our decision not on the correct answers, but on the one you missed."

Boudreaux asked "An jus how da heck would one incorrect answer be mo betta dan da otter?"

The manager replied, "Simple, the local man put down on question #5, 'I don't know,' you put down, 'neither do I.'

[Arvon]

An elderly man was quite unhappy because he had lost his favorite hat. Instead of buying a new one, he decided he would go to church and swipe one out of the vestibule. When he got there, an usher intercepted him at the door and took him to a pew where he had to sit and listen to the entire sermon on "The Ten Commandments." After church, the man met the preacher in the vestibule doorway, shook his had vigorously, and told him "I want to thank you preacher for saving my soul today. I came to church to steal a hat and after hearing your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I decided against it."

Preacher: "You mean the commandment 'I shall not steal' changed your mind?"

Old Man: "No, the one about adultery did. As soon as you said that I remembered where I left my old hat!"

[VulcanRider]

A government worker was on a business trip, and checked into a hotel in Washington D.C. in preparation for a meeting at headquarters.

Wanting to ensure he stayed completely on the up-and-up, he remembered to ask about the adult channel, to avoid it appearing on his bill -- which would be examined by government auditors.

"Excuse me," he said to the clerk as he accepted his room key. "I certainly hope the porn channel in my room is disabled."

"No, you sick bastard!" she exclaimed. "It's regular porn!"

[Bungleau]

Nice ones...