Joke World 12-01-08

[Arvon]

Q: What’s wrong with lawyer jokes?
A: Lawyers don’t think they’re funny and other people don’t think they’re jokes.

Q: How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
A: His lips are moving.

Q: What’s the difference between a lawyer and an onion?
A: You cry when you cut up an onion.

Q: What do you throw to a drowning lawyer?
A: A party.

Q: What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 70?
A: Your honor.

Q: How do you get a group of lawyers to smile for a photo?
A: Just say, “Fees!”

Q: How does an attorney sleep?
A: First he lies on one side and then on the other.

Q: What’s the difference between a shame and a pity?
A: If a busload of lawyers goes over a cliff, and there are no survivors, that’s known as a pity. If there were any empty seats, that’s a shame.

Q: What’s the difference between a lawyer and a leech?
A: When you die, a leech will stop sucking your blood and drop off.

Q: What do you have if three lawyers are buried up to their necks in cement?
A: Not enough cement.

Q: What do you call 25 skydiving lawyers?
A: Skeet.

Q: What do you call a lawyer gone bad?
A: Senator.

Q: How many lawyer jokes are there?
A: Only three. The rest are true stories.

Q: What do you get when you cross a bad politician with a crooked lawyer?
A: Chelsea Clinton

Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Three. One to climb the ladder. One to shake it. And one to sue the ladder company.

[Arvon]

Once upon a time when a Blonde was hard up for money, she decided to kidnap a child. So the next day she goes to a nearby playground and when nobody is looking, she pulls a random kid behind a tree and says, "You're kidnapped, so be quiet and don't give me any trouble." The little boy, too startled to do anything stands there in shock. The Blonde then pulls out a note that reads:

I am a desperate Blonde hard up for money. I have kidnapped you kid and if you ever want to see him again you arrange for 5,000 dollars in non-sequencial, unmarked bills to be put next to this tree by 12:00 tonight, or else.

She hands the note to the kid and tells him to give it to his mother. The next day the Blonde finds the bag of money next to the tree. Inside the bag is a little note that reads:

Here is the money. How could you do this to a fellow Blonde?

[VulcanRider]

I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age.

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do you think I'll live to be 80?"

He asked, "Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?"

"Oh no," I replied. "I'm not doing drugs, either!"

Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?"

I said, "No, my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!"

"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?"

"No, I don't," I said.

He asked, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?"

"No," I said. "I don't do any of those things."

He looked at me and said, "Then, why the hell do you want to live to 80?"

[VulcanRider]

Bailout Bloat (a.k.a., the joke's on us!)

The $700 billion "bailout" for Wall Street -- officially known as the Emergency Economic Stabilization Act of 2008 -- contains multiple "earmarks", or special funding for various pet projects, that add as much as $100 billion more to the costs.

The first proposal by the Treasury Dept. was 3 pages. The failed House version was 110 pages. The final bill that was passed was over 450 pages.

Some of the earmarks tucked into the bill's pages by both Democrats and Republicans include:

* $2 million tax benefit for manufacturers of toy wooden arrows for children

* $100 million tax break to benefit automotive racetracks

* $192 million in rebates for the Puerto Rican and Virgin Islands rum industry

* $224 million for temporary emergency penthouses for financial company executives

* $148 million in tax relief for U.S. wool fabric producers who use imported yarn

* $49 million tax benefit for fishermen and other plaintiffs who sued over the 1989 tanker Exxon Valdez spill

* $48 million a year for film and TV producers who produce their work in the United States

* $33 million tax credit for select corporations earning income from American Samoa

The punch line? All of those provisions are true -- except for one. Can you figure out which one is fake?

(Source for the true earmarks: Taxpayers for Common Sense.)

Spoiler for The fake one:

the $224 million for FEMA temporary emergency penthouses for financial company executives.

[Arvon]

1. It is well documented that for every mile that you jog, you add one minute to your life. This enables you, at age 85, to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $5,000 per month.

2. My grandmother started walking 5 miles a day when she was 60. She is now 97 and we don't know where the hell she is.

3. The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

4. I joined a health club last year, spent about $400. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to show up.

5. I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I am doing.

6. I don't exercise at all. If God meant us to touch our toes, he would have put them further up our body.

7. I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

8. I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

9. The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.

10. If you are going to try cross country skiing, start with a small country.

11. And last, but not least, I don't jog - it makes the ice jump right out of my glass.

[Arvon]

A bit PG...



This guy has been dating a girl for 4 months now.
She calls him up one day and tells him: "Paul you have to meet my parents. We have been going out for like 4 months". He agrees... The day he agrees to meet her family,he is having some MAJOR gas! The whole drive to her parents house he is letting off some bombs, and he's thinking to himself: PLEASE let this gas go away.
He gets to her parents house, she walks him into the living area. "Daddy,this is Paul".. they shake hands. "Mom,this is Paul". They hug. The mother and the girlfriend go get dinner ready. Paul and the father are sitting on the couch having conversation. He soooo cant pay any attention to really what the father is saying cause he has some MAJOR gas. He thinks to himself: I'm gonna let out just a tiny one.
So he does, he didnt smell nothing and their dog is at his feet, so he figures the father will think it is the dog. The father didnt look at him any different. He thought OH COOL MAN, maybe i get rid of my stomach ache. So time passes and Paul has been letting out some silent "little friends". The whole time that he has been letting go of some gas he was petting the dog to get it to stay at his feet, so the father will think its the dog stinkin'. So he lets out this one which burns his ass.
The father looked up with this weird look on his face and say "JAKE Boy, you better move before that kid shits on you".

[Arvon]

One day Little Johnny walks up to his Mom and says, “Mommy, is God Black or White?”

She replies, “Well, Honey, God is both Black and White.”

Then he says, “Mommy, is God a boy or a girl?”

“God is both a boy and a girl, Honey,” she replies.

“Mommy, is God gay or straight?” he inquires again.

Getting a little irritated, the mother replies, “Well, Honey, God is both gay and straight.”

After thinking for a moment, Johnny looks up and asks, “Mommy, is God Michael Jackson?”

[VulcanRider]

Pun Alert (cause you know Lerts love puns!): A fellow received a pet mouse for his birthday, and he loved it so much that he never parted with it. He took this mouse everywhere — to work, to parties, to the opera.

One day, a good friend of his died and so he went to pay his respects. Naturally, he took the mouse, which was perched on his shoulder.

On his way home, he suddenly realized that the mouse was gone! He retraced all his moves for the day and realized that the last place he had seen the mouse was at the funeral. He raced back across town, but it was too late.

The mouse must have jumped off his shoulder while he was sitting in the hearse. He spoke to the funeral directors, but they couldn't find it; it had completely vanished.

The man was filled with grief as he remembered an old adage his mother had told him time and time again as a kid:

Never lock a gift mouse in the hearse.

[Bungleau]

Turkey economics

The turkey is fed for a thousand days by a butcher. And every day confirms to the turkey – and the turkey's economics department, and the turkey's risk management department, and the turkey's analytical department – that the butcher loves turkeys. And every day brings more confidence...

On the day when the turkey's comfort is at its maximum, it's going to be a surprise.

[VulcanRider]

Pre-Christmas warning for all men:

Beware of the Doghouse!

about 5 minutes long, cube-safe...