Idiots guide

[shadowhound]

Hello. Welcome to The Complete and Utter Idiot's Guide to Making a Baloney and Cheese Sandwich. Ready for Lunch? Good! Let's begin!

We're going to start our journey by assuming that you already possess each of the individual items you'll be needing to make this sandwich. It's a bit of a stretch, I know, but Lord knows we don't have time to take you shopping.

So, that said, the first thing you're gonna need is a place to make your sandwich. My suggestion would be a plate. So reach into your cupboard and grab a plate. Any will do. No, that's a bowl. Plates are flat. Right, yes, that's flat, but it's a cutting board. Plates are going to be round. Yes the bowl is round, but it's not flat, is it? Just.. Christ, forget it. Grab that cutting board you had in your hands. Perfect. Put it down.

On the counter, not the floor.

Much better. Alright, you're ready to start. You need bread.

Personally, I prefer either wheat or sourdough, but you might prefer white, rye, pumpernickel, a French roll...you're just staring at me. What do you mean you don't have any bread like that? Like what? What kind of bread do you have?

Wonder. Fine, it's pre-sliced.

Take out two slices of Wonder Bread. Two. More than one, less than three. That's three. Put one back. Perfect. Place your two slices of Wonder Bread on your cutting board. See how easy this is?

OK, you need some sandwich ingredients, open your refrigerator.

Your refrigerator. Big thing in your kitchen. Stores food. Yes, and beer, too. That's the one.

Take out the cheese, the baloney, the mayo...you're giving me that look again. Let's stop there. Cheese, baloney and mayo. Mayonnaise. It's a sandwich spread. White. No, that's Miracle Whip. Yes, it's a white sandwich spread but.. fine. Miracle Whip will do. Put it on the counter next to the bread.

OK. Now we...where's the cheese and baloney? Didn't I just say... uhg! Go back to the refrigerator and.. no, leave the Miracle Whip where it is, just go back to the fridge and open it. Good. Grab the cheese. Any kind will do. Oh Jesus, just pick one!

No, that's brie. It doesn't go well with baloney. What the Hell are you doing with brie?

How about cheddar, do you have cheddar? It's probably orange. Yes! That's cheddar! Bring it to the counter next to cutting board. Now go back to the fridge. I'm sorry, are you getting dizzy? It can happen, get used to it. Open the fridge again. You're looking for baloney. God willing, it'll be pre-sliced. Baloney. It's meat. You're looking for a package filled with slices of meat.

That's bacon.

Yes! That's the baloney! Very good! Now bring that over to the food. No, we're done with the fridge, you'll just throw out whatever you don't use, I can't bear to go through the fridge disaster again.

OK, now you're ready to start making a baloney and cheese sandwich. Open the Miracle Whip. Open it. Twist the lid off of the jar. What do you mean it won't come off? Twist the other direction. There ya go! Now you need a knife.

Oh God.

You don't need a sharp knife, you just need a spreading knife. Dull. Very dull. The duller the better. No! Not that! Put that down before you kill someone! Try to find a knife without a wooden handle. No, that has a wooden handle doesn't it? That probably means it's sharp. Don't test it to see! Just put it down! Find a dull, regular, boring knife!

OK. Perfect. That's a nice simple spreading knife. Dip it into the Miracle Whip. Now lift it out of the Miracle Whip and spread it on the slices of bread. Carefully. Not too hard, you'll tear the bread.

Harder than that. The knife has to at least touch the bread to leave the spread.

There ya go. Now do the other slice of bread. Perfect! You're a regular Julia Childs now!

She's a famous cook....nevermind.

Now your bread is spread. Quit giggling. You are going to place a slice of baloney on one piece of bread. Open the package. No, this package doesn't screw open. Just pull the back end away from the rest of the package. See how it's opening up? Excellent. Take out a slice of baloney. Place it on one of the slices of bread. No, you don't need the knife for this.

Good! You're almost there! Now it's time to cut the cheese.

I said stop giggling.

The cheese is unopened? OK, don't panic. Take the dull knife.. the other end, grab the other end of the knife! Slice the package of cheese open. Just jam it in there and.. don't worry about hurting the cheese! Just slice the damn thing open!

Very good, you're getting to be really good with the knife. Lord help us all.

Now take the block of cheese out and lay it on the counter. Just lay it on the counter, who cares if it's dirty! Like you're gonna be living long at this rate anyway! OK. Again with the knife, cut yourself a few slices of cheese. Thinner than that, you want more than two slices out of your block. Thinner. Thinner. Thinner! Just...measure with your pinky! Your pinky should be at least two slices thick. What are you...DON'T SLICE YOUR PINKY!!! God!

You know what? Forget it! Throw the cheese away. Throw it away! You're just having a baloney sandwich today, I can't deal with this. Don't look at me like that, throw the cheese in the garbage!

Now pick up one slice of bread and put it down on the other. Miracle Whip-side down. Well turn it over, you can't eat a sandwich with the Miracle Whip side facing out!

Because I said so!!!

OK. Pick up the sandwich.

Congratulations! You've made a Baloney Sandwich! Dufus.

[Melusine]

LMAO!! [img]graemlins/biglaugh.gif[/img] [img]graemlins/bouncered2.gif[/img]

Thanks for posting this [img]smile.gif[/img]

[norompanlasolas]

haahaaaaahahhaaaaa....... genius [img]graemlins/laugh3.gif[/img]

[fable]

You know, the truly horrible thing is that with minor edits (such as the removal of the honorific Dufus), somebody would want to publish a collection of such stuff.

A number of years ago, a couple of guys did a satire on public radio in the US of stupid, bland, empty know-it-all types, called Ask Mr. Science. The program answered such supposedly forwarded questions as why shoes sometimes seem tight at the end of day, or why slippers apparently turn around during the night. But the show became extremely popular with people who took it very seriously, which was ridiculous--it ended each program with the announced intoning, "He knows it all, because he has a Bachelor of Science!"

[Sir ReGiN]

LOL!!
And LOL at Fable too

[slackerboy]

now THAT is funny.

[Blade]

YEAA i know how to make a sandwitch now now to try and puzzle out how do do a steak j/k [img]tongue.gif[/img] I can see why the show would be popular, and as for the shoe thing its your feet i tell you they swell during the day as you walk on them

[ 01-08-2002: Message edited by: Blade ]

[shadowhound]

And here is another one

Hello. Welcome to The Complete and Utter Idiot's Guide to Cooking a TV Dinner. Hungry? Good! Let's eat!

Today we're going to make a Salisbury Steak TV Dinner, complete with mashed potatoes, corn, and brownie. So to start, open your fridge and take out your frozen TV Dinner.

What do you mean it's not in there? It's in there, keep looking.

Oh come on, it's got to be...wait. I'm sorry. Try looking in your FREEZER. See it? Good. Bring it to the counter.

No, those are Vanilla Dove Bars. Go get the Salisbury Steak TV Dinner. It's probably in a green and brown box. Yes! That's it. Now bring it to the counter. Very good.

Now then, the first thing you should do is read the instructions. But if you could do that, you wouldn't need The Complete and Utter Idiot's Guide, would you?

OK. Open the package. Let me be specific. Open the cardboard box in which your package lies. There should be a pull-tab somewhere on the cardboard box. It's there. Keep looking. No, don't try to make your own. Just.. flip it over. See it? Yes! Pull that! Excellent! Good job! Now remove the plastic dish. Very good! You're a real pro at this!

OK. There's a couple more steps you need to do. This may get tricky. First just look at your dinner. Notice how the food is separated into four compartments? What do you mean, no? Four compartments! The meat, the potatoes, the corn and the brownie! What do you mean, they all look the same? They're supposed to be four distinct... Hold on. Turn it over.

There ya go! Now do you see the four compartments? Good! OK. There should be a plastic covering over your dinner. Good. Your meat needs to breathe. Take a fork and...a fork. The spoon-like utensil that has four pointy ends. Right. Take the fork and poke some holes into the plastic covering directly over the meat. The plastic, poke holes in the plastic! No! Get that away from your eye! Jesus!!! Remember the dinner? The plastic beneath you? OK. Poke some holes in THE PLASTIC directly over the meat. You'll have to hit the plastic a little harder than that to break the seal. OK, good! Good! A couple more! No!!! That's the potatoes! Don't poke over the potatoes, only poke over the meat. OK. Very good.

One last thing. You need to remove the plastic covering from over the brownie. But ONLY from the brownie. I said it would be difficult. Your best bet would be to use the fork you already have in your hands and carefully poke some holes at the edge of the brownie and even more carefully rip it off.

This would probably be easier to do with a knife, but there's no way in Hell that I'm gonna arm you with a knife.

How are those holes coming around the brownie? Good! OK, you can use your fingers for this so just...well first pick the fork up off the floor! Cripes! If you're not using it, place it in the sink, don't drop it on the floor, you'll attract ants! Ants! Little insects that...oh nevermind. Just put the fork in the sink. OK, now use your fingers to pry the plastic off of the brownie, a process made much easier thanks to the holes you've carefully poked in the plastic covering.

Great! OK, you can place that little slip of plastic in the trash. Good, very good. Now you're ready to cook it!

Open your microwave, it's the big button at the bottom that says "Open."

No, that's the fridge. Next to it. Right, there ya go. That's the microwave. Open it.

Place the meal inside the microwave. Close the door.

You're not going to be able to close the door until you remove your hand. There ya go. Close the door. OK, I'm gonna go out on a hopeful limb here, does your microwave have a button labeled "TV DINNER?" No? Damn.

OK, we do this the hard way. Press that button that says "Time Cook." Good. Now, how long did the TV Dinner say to cook? No, of course your dinner shouldn't be talking to you! I meant on the package! In the instructions!!! Oh for Pete's...nevermind. We'll cook it for five minutes, turn it and then cook another five. Screw that. We'll cook it for ten, period. If you die from eating under-cooked Salisbury steak, so much the better. Program it to cook for 10 minutes. What? Where are you? Start over, start over. Hit the "Clear" button. No, that's the window! There's a button with the word "Clear" on it! Push it!!! OK, now push the "Time Cook" button again. Now push the "1" button, followed by the "0" button. And now push the "0" button again. And once more. Now push the button labeled "Start."

Is it on? It's on! Yes!!! OK, go sit down. When the microwave beeps, that mean's your dinner is ready. Take it out of the microwave and eat it!

Take it out of the microwave, REMOVE THE PLASTIC and then eat it.

There ya go! You've cooked a TV Dinner! Moron.

[SSJ4Sephiroth]

hey, where did you find these? i want some more!

[Black Dragon]

Iee culdnt get tha miekrow wav two start, Iee dint no yuu had two taek yuur hand owt uf it two start it. Tanxs foer tha help.