You got a pet Cat?

Cerise · 10-19-2001, 03:20 PM

Rules for Cats

I. DOORS
Do not allow closed doors in any room. To get a door opened, stand on hind legs and scratch the frame. You may also reach under the door and pull clothing towards you; silks get the quickest reaction. Once door is opened, it is not necessary to use it. After you have ordered an "outside" door opened, stand halfway in and out and think about several things. This is particularly important during very cold weather, when it's raining or snowing, or during the height of the mosquito season. Swinging doors must be avoided at all costs.

II. CHAIRS AND RUGS
If you have to urp, get to an overstuffed chair quickly. If you cannot manage this in time, get to an Oriental rug. If there are no Oriental rugs, shag is a good substitute. When urping on shag, be sure you project; it is a must that it stretch for as long as a human's bare foot.

III. BATHROOMS
Always accompany guests to the bathroom. (See Rule I) It is not necessary to do anything - just sit and stare.

IV. HELPING
If one of your humans is engaged in some semi-closed activity and the other is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called "helping"; humans are known to refer to it as hampering". The following are the rules for "helping": a) When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook. You cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped on and then picked up and comforted. b) For book readers, get in close under the chin, between eyes and book, unless you can lie across the book itself. c) For knitting projects or paperwork, lie on the work in the most appropriate manner so as to obscure as much of the work or at least the most important part. Pretend to doze, but every so often reach out and slap the pencil or knitting needles. The worker may try to distract you; ignore it. Remember, the aim is to hamper work. Embroidery and needlepoint projects make great hammocks in spite of what the humans may tell you. d) For people paying bills (monthly activity) or working on income taxes or Christmas cards (annual activity), keep in mind the aim - to help! First, sit on the paper being worked on. When dislodged, watch sadly from the side of the table. When activity proceeds nicely, roll around on the papers, scattering them to the best of your ability. After being removed for the second time, push pens, pencils, and erasers off the table, one at a time. e) When a human is holding the newspaper in front of him/her, be sure to jump on the back of the paper. They love to jump.

V. WALKING
As often as possible, dart quickly and as close as possible in front of the human. Especially effective places to strike are: 1) On stairs, when they have something in their arms; 2) In the dark; and 3) When they first get up in the morning. This exercise helps with improving their coordination skills.

VI. BEDTIME
Always sleep on the human at night. If there are two (or more) of you, book end the human putting off the greatest heat. They will try and squirm but your sheer numbers and inert bodies will effectively keep them pinned.

VII. COMPUTERS
1: Only show interest in computers that are turned ON, the operator will need your help.
2: Monitors are bad for human eyes. It might ruin your owner's sight and cause them to buy less cat food. Always get in between the monitor and the person operating the computer. For best results, stands as close to the monitor as possible. If you are removed, go and sulk in a corner for a minute, then repeat. Look as innocent as possible.
3: Keyboards are great to lie down on. Make yourself as comfortable as possible. Marching over the keyboard several times is fun too. Practice aiming at alt-F4, N, and ctrl-alt-del.
4: Always chase the mouse. Your owner can't blame you for this, since it's your feline instinct to chase mice.
5: Floppy disk make great scratching posts. Nothing beats floppies when it's time to sharpen your nails.

10-19-2001, 03:24 PM

That's why I don't like cats!

------------------

Where there are monsters and barbarians there will be Byronas fighting against them.

Neb · 10-19-2001, 03:24 PM

*snort* *giggle* That's got to be some of the funniest stuff I've read in a long time, Cerise!

Kaz · 10-19-2001, 03:29 PM

ROFLMAO! Almost makes me glad we don't have pets!

Cerise · 10-19-2001, 03:31 PM

Hmmm I have one and know she can be a little monster ... but at least they are not as dependent as dogs *smiles*....

Mind a goldfish is even less trouble!

Quote:

Originally posted by Byronas:
That's why I don't like cats!

Cerise · 10-19-2001, 03:33 PM

*grins* glad you enjoyed!

Quote:

Originally posted by Kaz:
ROFLMAO! Almost makes me glad we don't have pets!

Cerise · 10-19-2001, 03:43 PM

Awww thanks Neb .....

Quote:

Originally posted by Neb:
*snort* *giggle* That's got to be some of the funniest stuff I've read in a long time, Cerise!

DragonMage · 10-19-2001, 03:50 PM

ROTFLMAO!!!!

Remind me again why I keep getting cats?

These are ALL TRUE! But instead of bookending me side-to-side, mine sleep one at my head and one at my feet, thereby pinning my blanket and pillow down so I can't roll over. Baby (who passed on a few years back) used to sleep directly on my pillow with me. I lost count of the times I woke up in the middle of the night with a 12 pound cat on my face where he'd rolled over! LOL!!!

Thanks for posting this! I'm going to print it out for my friends who own cats. Maybe we need to come up with things to do to annoy the cats so they'll stop that!

------------------

Alureth...Dragon friend of Breanna, Mage and Advisor in the Court of Lady Lioness

Co-Owner/Operator of the Evil Petting Zoo and devout member of the HADB clan.
Commander of the Dragon Fleet, IW Peacekeeping Force
Sublime Sister of the Illuminati - may the Light shine forever!
Second Historian and Scribe of IW. Mother Hen of IW.
Mage extraordinair, Pin-Up Girl for the OLD-COOTS
Magey-Wagey: performer in the Nekked Dancing Trio of the ORT.

Hopeless Romantic *sigh*

SSJ4Sephiroth · 10-19-2001, 03:56 PM

ahh! my cat does those exact same things!

------------------
It's simple. Once the Planet is hurt, it gathers Spirit Energy to heal the injury. The amount of energy gathered depends on the size of the injury...What would happen if there was an injury that threatened the very life of the Planet? Think how much energy would be gathered! Ha, ha, ha. And at the center of that injury, wil be me. All that boundless energy will be mine. By merging with the energy of the Planet, I will be come a new life form, a new existence. Melding with the Planet, I will cease to exist as I am now. Only to be reborn as a 'God' to rule over every living soul.

What are you saying? Are you trying to tell me you have feelings now? Ha, ha, ha... Stop acting as if you're sad. And there's no need to act as if you're angry either. Because, Cloud, you are... a puppet.

Shadow Dragon of the DotW
Super Sephiroth, slayer of the Uber Fluffy, and battle co-ordionator and defender of the HADB clan.
Follower of the mighty Fallen Paladin himself.
Diplomacy is all and well, but HADB is better!
Head of the IronWorks Intelligence Division
Official Soup Server and bumper of Cloudy's Cafe
Possessor of the Aerie Diamond Head from the ALSB.
Page in the Court of Lady Lioness

Stalking the woodlands,
the Lioness in my sight,
warm feelings doth come,
into my lonely heart

Blade · 10-19-2001, 03:57 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by DragonMage:
ROTFLMAO!!!!

Remind me again why I keep getting cats?

These are ALL TRUE! But instead of bookending me side-to-side, mine sleep one at my head and one at my feet, thereby pinning my blanket and pillow down so I can't roll over. Baby (who passed on a few years back) used to sleep directly on my pillow with me. I lost count of the times I woke up in the middle of the night with a 12 pound cat on my face where he'd rolled over! LOL!!!

Thanks for posting this! I'm going to print it out for my friends who own cats. Maybe we need to come up with things to do to annoy the cats so they'll stop that!

So true DragonMage, I have 4 cats and they all do this. But lets not forget the "helping wake up humans" jump ontop of them and annoy them by any means untill they feed you.

------------------

All blades cut, be they made from metal or wood, but the sharpest and deadliest blade is the one of knowledge.

An Archmage of the HADB

10-19-2001, 03:20 PM	#1
Cerise Dungeon Master Join Date: October 14, 2001 Location: London ... UK Age: 55 Posts: 97	Rules for Cats I. DOORS Do not allow closed doors in any room. To get a door opened, stand on hind legs and scratch the frame. You may also reach under the door and pull clothing towards you; silks get the quickest reaction. Once door is opened, it is not necessary to use it. After you have ordered an "outside" door opened, stand halfway in and out and think about several things. This is particularly important during very cold weather, when it's raining or snowing, or during the height of the mosquito season. Swinging doors must be avoided at all costs. II. CHAIRS AND RUGS If you have to urp, get to an overstuffed chair quickly. If you cannot manage this in time, get to an Oriental rug. If there are no Oriental rugs, shag is a good substitute. When urping on shag, be sure you project; it is a must that it stretch for as long as a human's bare foot. III. BATHROOMS Always accompany guests to the bathroom. (See Rule I) It is not necessary to do anything - just sit and stare. IV. HELPING If one of your humans is engaged in some semi-closed activity and the other is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called "helping"; humans are known to refer to it as hampering". The following are the rules for "helping": a) When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook. You cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped on and then picked up and comforted. b) For book readers, get in close under the chin, between eyes and book, unless you can lie across the book itself. c) For knitting projects or paperwork, lie on the work in the most appropriate manner so as to obscure as much of the work or at least the most important part. Pretend to doze, but every so often reach out and slap the pencil or knitting needles. The worker may try to distract you; ignore it. Remember, the aim is to hamper work. Embroidery and needlepoint projects make great hammocks in spite of what the humans may tell you. d) For people paying bills (monthly activity) or working on income taxes or Christmas cards (annual activity), keep in mind the aim - to help! First, sit on the paper being worked on. When dislodged, watch sadly from the side of the table. When activity proceeds nicely, roll around on the papers, scattering them to the best of your ability. After being removed for the second time, push pens, pencils, and erasers off the table, one at a time. e) When a human is holding the newspaper in front of him/her, be sure to jump on the back of the paper. They love to jump. V. WALKING As often as possible, dart quickly and as close as possible in front of the human. Especially effective places to strike are: 1) On stairs, when they have something in their arms; 2) In the dark; and 3) When they first get up in the morning. This exercise helps with improving their coordination skills. VI. BEDTIME Always sleep on the human at night. If there are two (or more) of you, book end the human putting off the greatest heat. They will try and squirm but your sheer numbers and inert bodies will effectively keep them pinned. VII. COMPUTERS 1: Only show interest in computers that are turned ON, the operator will need your help. 2: Monitors are bad for human eyes. It might ruin your owner's sight and cause them to buy less cat food. Always get in between the monitor and the person operating the computer. For best results, stands as close to the monitor as possible. If you are removed, go and sulk in a corner for a minute, then repeat. Look as innocent as possible. 3: Keyboards are great to lie down on. Make yourself as comfortable as possible. Marching over the keyboard several times is fun too. Practice aiming at alt-F4, N, and ctrl-alt-del. 4: Always chase the mouse. Your owner can't blame you for this, since it's your feline instinct to chase mice. 5: Floppy disk make great scratching posts. Nothing beats floppies when it's time to sharpen your nails.

10-19-2001, 03:24 PM	#2
Byronas Guest Posts: n/a	That's why I don't like cats! ------------------ Where there are monsters and barbarians there will be Byronas fighting against them.

10-19-2001, 03:24 PM	#3
Neb Account deleted by Request Join Date: May 17, 2001 Location: . Age: 38 Posts: 8,802	snort giggle That's got to be some of the funniest stuff I've read in a long time, Cerise!

10-19-2001, 03:29 PM	#4
Kaz Thoth - Egyptian God of Wisdom Join Date: August 16, 2001 Location: UK Posts: 2,891	ROFLMAO! Almost makes me glad we don't have pets!

10-19-2001, 03:50 PM	#8
DragonMage 20th Level Warrior Join Date: September 6, 2001 Location: The lighter side of life, a.k.a. Newnan, Georgia Age: 55 Posts: 2,767	ROTFLMAO!!!! Remind me again why I keep getting cats? These are ALL TRUE! But instead of bookending me side-to-side, mine sleep one at my head and one at my feet, thereby pinning my blanket and pillow down so I can't roll over. Baby (who passed on a few years back) used to sleep directly on my pillow with me. I lost count of the times I woke up in the middle of the night with a 12 pound cat on my face where he'd rolled over! LOL!!! Thanks for posting this! I'm going to print it out for my friends who own cats. Maybe we need to come up with things to do to annoy the cats so they'll stop that! ------------------ Alureth...Dragon friend of Breanna, Mage and Advisor in the Court of Lady Lioness Co-Owner/Operator of the Evil Petting Zoo and devout member of the HADB clan. Commander of the Dragon Fleet, IW Peacekeeping Force Sublime Sister of the Illuminati - may the Light shine forever! Second Historian and Scribe of IW. Mother Hen of IW. Mage extraordinair, Pin-Up Girl for the OLD-COOTS Magey-Wagey: performer in the Nekked Dancing Trio of the ORT. Hopeless Romantic sigh

10-19-2001, 03:56 PM	#9
SSJ4Sephiroth Beholder Join Date: May 4, 2001 Location: The Outside Looking In Age: 37 Posts: 4,361	ahh! my cat does those exact same things! ------------------ It's simple. Once the Planet is hurt, it gathers Spirit Energy to heal the injury. The amount of energy gathered depends on the size of the injury...What would happen if there was an injury that threatened the very life of the Planet? Think how much energy would be gathered! Ha, ha, ha. And at the center of that injury, wil be me. All that boundless energy will be mine. By merging with the energy of the Planet, I will be come a new life form, a new existence. Melding with the Planet, I will cease to exist as I am now. Only to be reborn as a 'God' to rule over every living soul. What are you saying? Are you trying to tell me you have feelings now? Ha, ha, ha... Stop acting as if you're sad. And there's no need to act as if you're angry either. Because, Cloud, you are... a puppet. Shadow Dragon of the DotW Super Sephiroth, slayer of the Uber Fluffy, and battle co-ordionator and defender of the HADB clan. Follower of the mighty Fallen Paladin himself. Diplomacy is all and well, but HADB is better! Head of the IronWorks Intelligence Division Official Soup Server and bumper of Cloudy's Cafe Possessor of the Aerie Diamond Head from the ALSB. Page in the Court of Lady Lioness Stalking the woodlands, the Lioness in my sight, warm feelings doth come, into my lonely heart

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