Can a person change? HELP OPINIONS NEEDED!!!

[AzRaeL StoRmBlaDe]

If you've dated somone for two years, and during that time they never really respected you, do you think they would be capable of changing? My friend and his GF used to fight alot, and what the real cause of the problems in their relationship was her never really respecting him as a person. They broke up about a month ago, but she really wants to get back together with him, and she said she can/will change, but my friend is not so sure, and frankly neither am I. So I pose the question to you good people of IW. Can somone like this change?

[ 03-03-2003, 06:04 PM: Message edited by: AzRaeL StoRmBlaDe ]

[The Hunter of Jahanna]

My friend "Al"(name changed because it isnt me) had the same problem. His gf would always put him down about where he lived , what job he had, how he looked, any anything else you can think of. After a few months he had enough and they had a big fight and then a civilized conversation. The stayed together, but didnt speak for a week. They both agreed to the not speaking part. When they started talking again they both made an effort to be nice to one another because they realy were in love with each other. It has ben 3 years and they are stil together. What started out as an effort to be nice eventualy became a habit and now they are both habitualy , sickeningly nice to each other. So, I guess people can change, but they have to want to change.

[LordKathen]

She has to really want to change. There are counselers out there that could help her figure out if it is him she wants or the control. She may just be lonely. If he loves her, give it a chance. But under some heavy talking about all the problems of the past first.

[AzRaeL StoRmBlaDe]

both good an interesting points. I am going to try and counsel him on this tonight, so all the imput is appreciated.

[Epona]

Hunter, I think what you said is absolutely right.

Sometimes it takes a big blow-up to make someone realise that they love someone and have been treating them badly or taking them for granted. I always believe in giving someone ONE chance (except in violent situations of course). But of course it is up to your friend. If he has suffered loss of self-esteem and confidence because of this girl, maybe it is time to say goodbye for once and for all. If he thinks it is worth a shot, he should give her a chance, but be prepared to get out if she slips back into her old ways.

But I think if he decides to give her a chance the first thing they should do is sit down and make some ground rules. Discuss what kind of behaviour each expects from the other, and what kind of behaviour will not be tolerated. Communication is good [img]smile.gif[/img]

Of course it works both ways, it could be that he does things that really piss her off too, so he has to be prepared, if he expects *her* to change, to perhaps alter his own behaviour too. In my experience, people tend to put other people down if they have learned during their life that it gets them attention in some way - I've been guilty of it myself in the past (But I changed ) - feeling ignored, well you won't be if you start a row, you'll be the centre of attention for a while. It comes from having low self esteem yourself. He may want to bear that in mind in the way he behaves towards her, if he does decide to give it a try.

[AzRaeL StoRmBlaDe]

thanks for the opinions everyone I am going to talk to my buddy tonight and find out the whole situation and then advise him accordingly.
I will update tomorrow.

[Animal]

Personally, and don't take this is an insult, why should she change if that's who she is? If your friend doesn't like her for who she is, then why is he wasting his time. To expect anyone to change who they are just because we want them too, is futile. If that's who your friends GF really is, then perhaps it's time for your friend to move on, if that's not what he's looking for.

[LordKathen]

Originally posted by Animal: Personally, and don't take this is an insult, why should she change if that's who she is? If your friend doesn't like her for who she is, then why is he wasting his time. To expect anyone to change who they are just because we want them too, is futile. If that's who your friends GF really is, then perhaps it's time for your friend to move on, if that's not what he's looking for.

To a point Animal, you are correct. But, there are compromises to be made in a serious relationship. Like I said, she has to want to change. If she loves him, she will compromise a few things about her character to adapt to his. Such is love.

[Sir Krustin]

I was going to say much the same, LK. She's the one, after all, that is petitioning him to continue!

[Rikard_OHF]

I think that the fact that she now realises that he can leave her, will make her think about the relationship, and make her realise that she had to change
So i think it very well possible that she had changed
but ur friend still has to be carefull though and make it very clear to her that he wont tollerate such behaviour this time
It's also good if you friend tells his girlfriend when she is crossing the line, coz she might not know