Should I get involved with this or...

maybe she should discuss with her b/f what is LACKINg in their realtionship to make her seek love elsewhere?

[Sir Kenyth]

Originally posted by Lord Shield: maybe she should discuss with her b/f what is LACKINg in their realtionship to make her seek love elsewhere?

It's called, "I wanna be single and I'm unhappy, but I don't want to give up all the advantages I have in my married relationship." syndrome. The person wants to have single fun, but not be out on their own. The other poor SOB gets to pay for the play. If you're in the military (US), a woman can REALLY do you raw due to the military regulations that have to be followed. Believe me, I've seen plenty! My beef is, if you want to see other people, that's fine. It's your right. But for the love of god end your current relationship first! Don't be a parasite!

[Epona]

Originally posted by Sir Kenyth: quote: Originally posted by Lord Shield: maybe she should discuss with her b/f what is LACKINg in their realtionship to make her seek love elsewhere?

It's called, "I wanna be single and I'm unhappy, but I don't want to give up all the advantages I have in my married relationship." syndrome. The person wants to have single fun, but not be out on their own. The other poor SOB gets to pay for the play. If you're in the military (US), a woman can REALLY do you raw due to the military regulations that have to be followed. Believe me, I've seen plenty! My beef is, if you want to see other people, that's fine. It's your right. But for the love of god end your current relationship first! Don't be a parasite![/QUOTE]No offense Sir K, but I honestly don't agree with this. Yes, I am sure there are people like that, but there is another scenario. If she is cheating, there must be something gone wrong with the first relationship, probably something that was beyond fixing before she got into the second relationship. You wouldn't do it IMO if you were still in love with the first partner. But it is possible she is scared of making a choice, or hurting the first partner (I know that's not rational, of course he will be hurt, but there's no such thing as a truly rational person). Not evil, not manipulative - Scared.

I agree that she should have ended the first relationship, but I don't think telling the first partner is the answer. Jorath should talk to *her* and convince her that she needs to choose. Not ultimatums, but an honest talk - that is what a friend ought to do IMO.

[johnny]

first of all, REAL friends don't do this kind of things to each other. The moment the first friend comes up with a story like that, i would seriously doubt his definition of friendship. And about the girlfriend: cheating is one thing, cheating with your boyfriend's best friend is lower than low. If you wish the best for your friend, see to it he gets rid of her, she's nasty.

[Reeka]

Epona, hun, you are making tons of sense here. I don't know if any of you have thought about this, but the husband might not WANT to know. He may suspect or already knows, but is feigning ignorance for his OWN reasons. If he is told, he will be forced to do something. He may be trying to wait it out to see if she gets tried of this and dumps and him and comes back to him and thereby, he gets to preserve his marriage.

I would say stay out of it. It is their personal business and not yours. You do not have all the facts---nor can you. You don't know what has gone on in the marriage or outside of it.

This kind of thing never turns out when you get involved. So, I agree with some of the others---stay out of it.

[Epona]

Thanks Reeka, I was worried I was going out on a limb a bit by posting that and would get shot down in a hail of indignant posts!

Having been in the following situations, I honestly feel that I have a bit of experience of this sort of thing:

1) I was with someone I thought I loved, and met someone that I really did fall in love with. It was hard to break up with man #1, he was badly hurt (although I should point out that I did *not* sleep with man #2 before I broke up with #1). If I had been married to #1 and realised I didn't love him it would have been a very difficult situation, especially if I'd have had nowhere to go if I moved out.

2) Being the 'other woman'. Yeah just shoot me now if you want.

In neither case would the involvement of others have done anything to resolve it. The solution has to come from the people within the tangle.

[Sir Kenyth]

Originally posted by Epona: quote: Originally posted by Sir Kenyth: quote: Originally posted by Lord Shield: maybe she should discuss with her b/f what is LACKINg in their realtionship to make her seek love elsewhere?

It's called, "I wanna be single and I'm unhappy, but I don't want to give up all the advantages I have in my married relationship." syndrome. The person wants to have single fun, but not be out on their own. The other poor SOB gets to pay for the play. If you're in the military (US), a woman can REALLY do you raw due to the military regulations that have to be followed. Believe me, I've seen plenty! My beef is, if you want to see other people, that's fine. It's your right. But for the love of god end your current relationship first! Don't be a parasite![/QUOTE]No offense Sir K, but I honestly don't agree with this. Yes, I am sure there are people like that, but there is another scenario. If she is cheating, there must be something gone wrong with the first relationship, probably something that was beyond fixing before she got into the second relationship. You wouldn't do it IMO if you were still in love with the first partner. But it is possible she is scared of making a choice, or hurting the first partner (I know that's not rational, of course he will be hurt, but there's no such thing as a truly rational person). Not evil, not manipulative - Scared.

I agree that she should have ended the first relationship, but I don't think telling the first partner is the answer. Jorath should talk to *her* and convince her that she needs to choose. Not ultimatums, but an honest talk - that is what a friend ought to do IMO.[/QUOTE]No offense taken Epona [img]smile.gif[/img] . Actually, I'm glad to get a little discourse. I stand with my opinion. Using the excuse of being scared of hurting the other person is still just a lack of intestinal fortitude(courage) at best. I never said she was evil, but the end result is still the same. It's where that old saying comes from, "The road to hell is paved with good intentions." Unpleasantness must be come to terms with and the terrible feeling one gets when breaking up is just part of the price you pay. The right thing is generally never the easy thing or the fun thing. When it's all said and done though, you'll sleep easier for it and get more respect. Do the stand up thing and you can stand tall. Do the sneaky thing and expect to feel hunched over in spirit too.

[ 06-20-2002, 11:46 AM: Message edited by: Sir Kenyth ]

[Epona]

Sir K, I agree with your last post in its entirety.

[Sir Kenyth]

Originally posted by Epona: Sir K, I agree with your last post in its entirety.

[img]graemlins/thumbsup.gif[/img] Thanks! You're a great gal, I don't care what LOA says about you!

[Sir Kenyth]

Originally posted by Reeka: Epona, hun, you are making tons of sense here. I don't know if any of you have thought about this, but the husband might not WANT to know. He may suspect or already knows, but is feigning ignorance for his OWN reasons. If he is told, he will be forced to do something. He may be trying to wait it out to see if she gets tried of this and dumps and him and comes back to him and thereby, he gets to preserve his marriage. I would say stay out of it. It is their personal business and not yours. You do not have all the facts---nor can you. You don't know what has gone on in the marriage or outside of it. This kind of thing never turns out when you get involved. So, I agree with some of the others---stay out of it.

Reeka, the only way this marriage would be preserved is if he didn't know, he didn't find out and she honestly decides she's made a mistake and doesn't want to do it again. Then she has to keep quiet. Infidelity almost ALWAYS corrupts trust to the point of no return. It also corrupts the respect the aldulterer has for the other partner, if there was any to begin with. There is the occasional exception, but they are few and far between. Most reconciliations are simply a game where both pretend there's nothing wrong. They last a couple years and then fall apart anyway, or degrade into unloving room mates. The lack of trust and insecurity eat away the relationship like rust on sheet metal.

[ 06-20-2002, 12:05 PM: Message edited by: Sir Kenyth ]