new jokes from the email

[Harkoliar]

brand new jokes in the email.. enjoy..

Final Exam
It was the final examination for an introductory English course at the local university. The examination was two hours long, and exam booklets were provided. The professor was very strict and told the class that any exam that was not on his desk in exactly two hours would not be accepted and the student would fail.

A half hour into the exam, a student came rushing in and asked the professor for an exam booklet.

"You're not going to have time to finish this," the professor stated sarcastically as he handed the student a booklet.

"Yes I will," replied the student. He then took a seat and began writing.

After two hours, the professor called for the exams, and the students filed up and handed them in. All except the late student, who continued writing. A half hour later, the last student came up to the professor who was sitting at his desk preparing for his next class. He attempted to put his exam on the stack of exam booklets already there.

"No you don't, I'm not going to accept that. It's late."

The student looked incredulous and angry.

"Do you KNOW who I am?"

"No, as a matter of fact I don't," replied the professor.

"DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?" the student asked again.

"No, and I don't care," replied the professor with an air of superiority.

"Good," replied the student, who quickly lifted the stack of completed exams, stuffed his in the middle, and walked out of the room.

Top Ten Ways to Freak Out Your Roommate
10) Collect potatoes. Paint faces on them and give them names. Name one after your roommate. Separate your roommate's potato from the others. Wait a few days, and then bake your roommate's potato and eat it. Explain to your roommate, ''He just didn't belong.''

9) Move everything to one side of the room. Ask your roommate if he knows how much an elephant weighs, and look at the floor on the empty side of the room with concern.

8) Draw a tiny black line on your nose. Make it bigger every day. Look at it and say, ''The hair, it's growing. Growing!''

7) Buy some knives. Sharpen them every night. While you're doing so, look at your roommate and mutter, ''Soon, soon....''

6) Collect hundreds of pens and pile them on one side of the room. Keep one pencil on the other side of the room. Laugh at the pencil.

5) Tell your roommate, ''I've got an important message for you.'' Then pretend to faint. When you recover, say you can't remember what the message was. Later on, say, ''Oh, yeah, I remember!'' Pretend to faint again. Keep this up for several weeks.

4) While your roommate is out, glue your shoes to the ceiling. When your roommate walks in, sit on the floor, hold your head, and moan.

3) Make a sandwich. Don't eat it, leave it on the floor. Ignore the sandwich. Wait until your roommate gets rid of it, and then say, ''Hey, where the heck is my sandwich!?'' Complain loudly that you are hungry.

2) Every time your roommate walks in yell, ''Hooray! You're back!'' as loud as you can and dance around the room for five minutes. Afterwards, keep looking at your watch and saying, ''Shouldn't you be going somewhere?''

1) Talk back to your Rice Krispies. All of a sudden, act offended, throw the bowl on the floor and kick it. Refuse to clean it up, explaining, ''No, I want to watch them suffer.'''

10 Ways To Get Thrown Out Of Chemistry Lab
Pretend an electron got stuck in your ear, and insist on describing the sound to others.


Give a cup of liquid nitrogen to a classmate and ask, "Does this taste funny to you?"


Consistently write three atoms of potassium as "KKK."


Mutter repeatedly, "Not again... not again... not again."


When it's very quiet, suddenly cry out, "My eyes!"


Deny the existence of chemicals.


Begin pronouncing everything your immigrant lab instructor says exactly the way he/she says it.


Casually walk to the front of the room and urinate in a beaker.


Pop a paper bag at the crucial moment when the professor is about to pour the sulfuric acid.


Show up with a 55-gallon drum of fertilizer and express an interest in federal buildings.
I Would Do Anything!
A professor was sitting in his office one afternoon when an attractive, sexy-looking girl knocked on his door.

"Yes?" he replied, "How may I help you?"

The girl said "I need to talk to you about my grade in your class."

"Come in and have a seat," said the instructor.

"Is there anything I can do to get an "A" in your class?"

"What do you mean by *anything*," he replied.

She said "Anything!"

"Anything??"

She said, in her best sultry voice, "I mean ANYTHING."

The instructor got up from behind his desk, sat down beside her and whispered in her ear, "Would you study?"

[InsaneBane]

Originally posted by Harkoliar: "Good," replied the student, who quickly lifted the stack of completed exams, stuffed his in the middle, and walked out of the room.

He deserved to pass. He proved that he was smarter than the professor

Good jokes - heard some of them before though, but I had a laugh

[img]graemlins/greenbounce.gif[/img]
Insane

[Bozos of Bones]

ROFLMAO!
Good ones!
How about these:

50 Things To Do In an Elevator

1. Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.

2. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that
this is your "personal space."

3. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up, dammit, all
of you just shut UP!"

4. Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly.

5. Sell Girl Scout cookies.

6. On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator.

7. Shave.

8. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: "Got enough air in
there?"

9. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.

10. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.

11. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act
embarrassed when they open by themselves.

12. Lean over to another passenger and whisper: "Noogie patrol coming!"

13. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call
you Admiral.

14. One word: Flatulence!

15. On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear
the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the bottom.

16. Do Tai Chi exercises.

17. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: "I've got new
socks on!"

18. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: "Oh, not now, damn motion
sickness!"

19. Give religious tracts to each passenger.

20. Meow occassionally.

21. Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.

22. Frown and mutter "gotta go, gotta go" then sigh and say "oops!"

23. Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.

24. Sing "Mary had a little lamb" while continually pushing buttons.

25. Holler "Chutes away!" whenever the elevator descends.

26. Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side.

27. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce "You're one of THEM!" and
move to the far corner of the elevator.

28. Burp, and then say "mmmm...tasty!"

29. Leave a box between the doors.

30. Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.

31. Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers "through" it.

32. Start a sing-along.

33. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask "is that your beeper?"

34. Play the harmonica.

35. Shadow box.

36. Say "Ding!" at each floor.

37. Lean against the button panel.

38. Say "I wonder what all these do" and push the red buttons.

39. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.

40. Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your kleenex to other passengers.

41. Bring a chair along.

42. Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger: "Wanna see wha in muh mouf?"

43. Blow spit bubbles.

44. Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.

45. Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host body."

46. Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.

47. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.

48. Wear "X-Ray Specs" and leer suggestively at other passengers.

49. Stare at your thumb and say "I think it's getting larger."

50. If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler "Bad touch!"

OR

10 ways to scare your neighbors

1.) Order pizza and other food to their house and pick it up at their doorstep claiming that
you don't have a phone.
hello
2.) Stand over the plants in your yard with a hose and Scream, "I have your life in my
hands, bow down to me!". Then point at each one and declare them good or bad
plants,while watering the bad ones.

3.)Bring them restraining orders on inanimate objects in their house. (ie: chairs, books,
lamps, etc.)

4.) Ask them if you can put your trash in their cans, if they ask why say, "Mine are full of
bodies", then stutter and say, "I uh mean other garbage." walk away laughing
hysterically.

5.)Patrol the perimeter of your yard while carrying a broom. If they come close state that
their is a 3 foot neutral area between the two yards.

6.) At night transplant the plants in their garden. In the morning say, "looks like they're on
the move again."

7.) When they're watching TV, pull a lawn chair behind their window. Sit down with popcorn
and a dink and ask them if they could open a window so you can hear too.

8.)Build snowmen with name tags of your neighbours. Each day hack off a different part of
their body.

9.) Use your TV remote to change the channels on their TV from outside. If asked why,
say you protest such programs. (The more educational the program the better.)

10.) Dig shallow graves at night filling your yard with brown grave patches. Make
markers out of household applainces.


Got more, if ye wants it!