More English

[J'aran]

How to speak English GOOD

1. Verbs HAS to agree with their subjects.

2. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.

3. And don't start a sentence with a conjunction.

4. It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.

5. Avoid cliches like the plague. (They're old hat.)

6. Also, always avoid annoying alliteration.

7. Be more or less specific.

8. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are (usually) unnecessary.

9. Also too, never, ever use repetitive redundancies.

10. No sentence fragments.

11. Contractions aren't necessary and shouldn't be used.

12. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.

13. Do not be redundant; do not use more words than necessary; it's highly superfluous.

14. One should NEVER generalize.

15. Comparisons are as bad as cliches.

16. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.

17. One-word sentences? Eliminate.

18. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.

19. The passive voice is to be ignored.

20. Eliminate commas, that are, not necessary. Parenthetical words however should be enclosed in commas.

21. Never use a big word when a diminutive one would suffice.

22. Use words correctly, irregardless of how others use them.

23. Understatement is always the absolute best way to put forth earth-shaking ideas.

24. Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "I hate quotations. Tell me what you know."

25. If you've heard it once, you've heard it a thousand times: Resist hyperbole; not one writer in a million can use it correctly.

26. Puns are for children, not groan readers.

27. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.

28. Even IF a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.

29. Who needs rhetorical questions?

30. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.

And the last one...

31. Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

[Arvon]

Excellent!!! I stole it to post somehwres else...

[fable]

There was a book called "English as She is Spoke" that was published in 1883, purportedly by a Portugese immigrant who was offering to teach English to others. It's still attributed to "Pedro Carolino," but I've seen elsewhere that it was actually a humorous work by a newspaper reporter (whose name I forget). In any case, here are a few excerpts:

CHAPTER: USEFUL WORDS

The brain The inferior lip
The brains The superior lip
The fat of the leg The marrow
The ham The reins


Defects of the body.

A blind A left handed
A lame An ugly
A bald A squint-eyed
A deaf


Degrees of kindred.

The gossip The quater-grandfather
The gossip mistress The quater-grandmother
The nurse A guardian
A relation An guardian
An relation A widower
An widow


Trades.

Starch-maker Porter
Barber Chinaman
Coffeeman Founder
Porkshop-keeper Grave-digger
Cartwright Tradesman
Tinker, a brasier Stockingmender
Nailer Lochsmith


Objects of man.

The boots The clogs
The buckles The wig
The buttons-holes The morning-gown, night-gown
The buskins The lining


Woman objects.

The busk The paint ordisguise
The sash The spindle
The cornet The patches
The pumps The skate


CHAPTER: FAMILIAR PHRASES

Go to send for.
Have you say that?
Have you understand that he says?
At what purpose have say so?
Put your confidence in my.
At what o'clock dine him?
Apply you at the study during that you are young.
Dress your hairs.
Sing an area.
These apricots and these peaches make me and to come water in the mouth.
How do you can it to deny?
Wax my shoes.
This is that I have think.
That are the dishes whose you must be and to abstain.
This meat ist not too over do.
This ink is white.
This room is filled of bugs.
This girl have a beauty edge.
It is a noise which to cleave the head.
This wood is full of thief's.
Tell me, it can one to know?
Give me some good milk newly get out.
To morrow hi shall be entirely (her master) or unoccupied.
She do not that to talk and to cackle.
Dry this wine.
He laughs at my nose, he jest by me.
He has spit in my coat.
He has me take out my hairs.
He does me some kicks.
He has scratch the face with hers nails.
He burns one's self the brains.
He is valuable his weight's gold.
He has the world for to laugh.
He do the devil at four.
He make to weep the room.
He was fighted in duel.
They fight one's selfs together.
He do want to fall.
It must never to laugh of the unhappies.
He was wanting to be killed.
I am confused all your civilities.
I am catched cold.
I not make what to coughand spit.
Never have I feeld a such heat.
Till say-us?
Till hither.
I have put my stockings outward.

[Beaumanoir]

LOL! A Good Post That Is.