I know a clean joke !!!

[RudeDawg]

Nancy is in bed with her lover, Bill, who also happens to be her husband's best friend. They make love for hours, and afterwards, while they're just laying there, the phone rings. Since it is Nancy's house, she picks up the receiver. Bill looks over at her and listens, only hearing her side of a quite cheery conversation...

"Hello?" says Nancy. "Oh, hi. I'm so glad that you called. Really? That's wonderful. I am so happy for you. That sounds terrific. Great! Thanks. Okay. Bye, bye."

As she hangs up the telephone, Bill asks, "Who was that?"

"Oh," Nancy smiles, "that was just my husband telling me all about the wonderful time he's having on his fishing trip with you."

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[RudeDawg]

Merv was in a terrible accident at work. He fell through a floor tile and ripped off both of his ears. Since he was permanently disfigured, he settled with the company for a rather large sum of money and went on his way.

One day, Merv decided to invest his money in a small, but growing telecom business called Plexus Communications. After weeks of negotiations, he bought the company outright. But, after signing on the doted line he realized that he knew nothing about running such a business and quickly set out to hire someone who could do that for him.

The next day he had set up three interviews. The first guy was great. He knew everything he needed to and was very interesting. At the end of the interview, Merv asked him, "Do you notice anything different about me?" And the gentleman answered, "Why yes, I couldn't help but notice you have no ears."

Merv got very angry and threw him out.

The second interview was with a woman, and she was even better than the first guy. He asked her the same question, "Do you notice anything different about me?" and she replied: "Well, you have no ears."

Merv again was upset and tossed her out.

The third and last interview was the best of all three. It was with a very young man who was fresh out of college. He was smart. He was handsome and he seemed to be a better businessman than the first two put together. Merv was anxious, but went ahead and asked the young man the same question:

"Do you notice anything different about me?" And to his surprise, the young man answered: "Yes. You wear contact lenses." Merv was shocked, and said, "What an incredibly observant young man. How in the world did you know that?"

The young man fell off his chair laughing hysterically and replied, "Well, it's pretty damn hard to wear glasses with no ears!"


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[RudeDawg]

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and stops to entertain at a bar in a small town. He's going through his usual run of stupid blond jokes, when a big blond woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and says:

"I've heard just about enough of your denigrating blond jokes, Asshole. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does a person's physical attributes have to do with their worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in my community, of reaching my full potential as a person ... because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes but women at large ... all in the name of humor."

Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize, when the blond pipes up," You stay out of this. Mister, I'm talking to that little bastard on your knee!"

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[RudeDawg]

A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.

Saint Peter addresses this guy, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?"

The guy replies, "I'm Joe Cohen, taxi-driver, of Noo Yawk City."

Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi-driver, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."

The taxi-driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff, and it's the minister's turn. He stands erect and booms out, "I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Mary's for the last forty-three years."

Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."

Just a minute," says the minister. "That man was a taxi-driver and he gets a silken robe and golden staff. How can this be?"

"Up here, we work by results," says Saint Peter. "While you preached, people slept; while he drove, people prayed."




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[RudeDawg]

The woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma forseveral months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.

As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side... You know what?"

"What dear?" She gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.

"I think you're bad luck."

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[RudeDawg]

Three Irishmen are enjoying a round of stout in the local pub when suddenly a drunk stumbles in, staggers up to them, and points at the guy in the middle...

The drunk shouts: "Your mom's the best damn lay in town!"

Everyone in the pub expects a fight, but the young strong man just ignores him.

The drunk mumbles as he wanders off and bellies up to the bar at the far end.

Barely ten minutes later, the drunk comes back, points at the same guy, and says, "I just screwed your mom, and it was swe-e-e-t!"

Once again the young man holds back his Irish temper and refuses to take the bait. The drunk sneers as he wanders back to the far end of the bar.

Not two minutes pass when once again he's back harassing the young man. For all to hear, the drunk yells in the man's ear: "You know, your mom even let me..."

Finally, the young man loses his temper, grabs the drunk by the shoulders, shakes him hard and shouts: "Go home Dad, you're drunk!"

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[kiwidoc]

Well your canine impoliteness you must be really bored with absolutely nothing to do to post all of this. Shame there aren't any online games you could write a post for

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There is only one kiwidoc, accept no substitutes

STANDARD OPERATING PROCEEDURE
www.judyhope.co.uk

[RudeDawg]

Originally posted by kiwidoc: Well your canine impoliteness you must be really bored with absolutely nothing to do to post all of this. Shame there aren't any online games you could write a post for

DOH !!!

Ok, I'm running over...


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[DawnChaser]

A man is sitting on a plane which is about to takeoff when another man with a dog takes the empty seats beside him. The dog sits in the middle, and the first man looks questioningly at the dog when the second man explains that they work for the airline. The airline rep says, "Don't mind Rover, he is a sniffer dog, the best there is. I'll show you once we get airborne and I set him to work."

The plane takes off and levels out when the handler says to the first man, "Watch this." He tells the dog, "Rover, search." The dog jumps down, walks along the aisle and sits next to a woman for a few seconds. It then returns to its seat and puts one paw on the handler's arm. He says "Good boy." He turns to the first man and says, "That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of this, and the seat number, for the police who will apprehend her on arrival." "Fantastic!" replies the first man.

Once again he sends the dog to search the aisles. The dog sniffs about, sits down beside a man for a few seconds, returns to its seat and places both paws on the handler's arm. The airline rep says, "That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making a note of this, and the seat number."
"I like it!" says the first man.

Once again he sends the dog to search the aisles. Rover goes up and down the plane aisle and after a while sits down next to someone, and then comes racing back and jumps up onto the seat and craps all over the place. The first man is surprised and disgusted by this, and asks "What is going on?" The handler nervously replies, "He just found a bomb!"


I knew I had a clean one around here. I just had to dig deep for it.

"Yeah, but you may not be the only one in here that thinks the term 'clean joke' is an oxymoron."


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DawnChaser aka Thanatos (Dispositioner of Souls)

[DawnChaser]

Jack was going to be married to Jill, so his father sat him down for a little fireside chat. He says "Jack, let me tell you something. On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite, I took off my pants and handed them to your mother, and said, 'Here - try these on.' So, she did and said, 'These are too big, I can't wear them.' So I replied, "Exactly, I wear the pants in this family and I always will. Ever since that night we have never had any problems." "Hmmm," says Jack. He thinks that might be a good thing to try.

So, on his honeymoon Jack takes off his pants and says to Jill, "Here try these on." So she does and says, "These are too large, they don't fit me." So Jack says, "...exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will, and I don't want you to ever forget that."

Then Jill takes off her pants and hands them to Jack and says, "Here, you try on mine." So he does and says, "I can't get into your pants." So Jill says, "Exactly. And if you don't change your attitude, you never will."


I opened my jokes notebook and pulled this one out. Enjoy.

"talk about scraping the bottom of the barrel. Now you are definitely tapped."


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DawnChaser aka Thanatos (Dispositioner of Souls)