My story! PLEASE READ EVERYONE!

[Fljotsdale]

Still interesting! Keep it coming!
But a couple of points:

1) If you are going to change viewpoint, as you do at the end of this section, you need to make a definite division and signal the change clearly. The unsignalled change is a trifle disconcerting.

2) You are giving huge wadges of personality/phsyical description. I know you want us to know about your characters, and we WANT to know! But it is better to SHOW character than TELL about it. These descriptions are something that you write down FOR YOURSELF, separately. The information is then dropped into the text as it becomes relevant.
Physical description example: what you did about the hair colour is good! But a lot of the rest should be revealed more slowly.
An example of personality: you TELL us Tk is a tomboy, but it would be better, and make more impact, if you SHOWED her to us BEING a tomboy.

Let me give you an example from a story I am working on at the moment. The protagonist has just picked up an unfledged chick of some sort (not telling!) from the floor of a forest:
With firm efficiency she wrapped it in the white cloth and held the resultant package up to her face. She smiled with caustic humour, her lips spreading to reveal large, crooked, tightly-packed yellow teeth.
'You're about as handsome as I am! Ah, well. At least you shall die in comfort.'

What do you find out about this person from those few sentences?!
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[This message has been edited by Fljotsdale (edited 06-06-2001).]

[Redblueflare]

You know I was actually thinking about that myself. Instead of telling the reader what the people are like. Let them decide for themselves. Besides as I wrote on, I realized T.K. really didn't fit the tomboy description anyhow. Krystal, Tk, and Alan seem a little to much alike. I don't want that as Krystal and Alan are supposed to be almost complete opposites. I won't post again for awhile because I have to fix a few things. (Obviously.) Thanks again Fljotsdale!

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Everyone is entitled to their own opinion, I just don't have to listen.

I like it.

Insight into your characters is not a bad thing at all...it gives your reader more to visualize and more to relate to the character with!


Moni

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[Fljotsdale]

Originally posted by Moni: I like it. Insight into your characters is not a bad thing at all...it gives your reader more to visualize and more to relate to the character with! Moni

Couldn't agree more, Moni! But it should be dripped into the text, not shovelled in, lol! I like his story, too!



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Originally posted by Fljotsdale: Couldn't agree more, Moni! But it should be dripped into the text, not shovelled in, lol! I like his story, too!

Fantasy novels are often filled with a detailed description of characters upon their introduction...it does not make them any less interesting and takes nothing away from the story...IMO it actually adds to the amount of visualation a reader can do as opposed to making assumptions and later down the road, finding out that the character has a totally diferent look and/or personality than they had visualized...I for one dislike stories written that way. But, to each his own, I say let Redblueflare write the story and let a bonified publisher do any criticizing that may need done for formal publishing.
I hardly think it was "shoveled in" as you say.

Don't be offended, you may have expertise in your own right but I too am a writer as well as a reader with classes under my belt that I passed with a 4.0 grade average, and first drafts, with the exception of spelling and punctuation errors are usually the best form of a story...you go getting an author changing things before they are even finished and you ruin the spontaneity of the story in progress.

Anyone else want to comment or are me and Fljotsdale the only two people keeping up with this tale of adventure?


Moni



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[Fljotsdale]

Not a bit offended, Moni! How could I be? I don't fully agree with you, though!
A writers first draft shouldn't be messed about with by outsiders, I agree - but I doubt very much whether stories posted on here are first draft! (Well - er - maybe I am making assumptions here! Just because I wouldn't post a first draft myself...).
But, Red asked for advice so I just gave the advice I thought he needed most. I don't wish to put off young writers, only to encourage and point out where they could improve. I like Red's story and would like to see him finish it!

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Originally posted by Fljotsdale: Not a bit offended, Moni! How could I be? I don't fully agree with you, though!

Of course you're not and of course you don't!

A writers first draft shouldn't be messed about with by outsiders, I agree - but I doubt very much whether stories posted on here are first draft! (Well - er - maybe I am making assumptions here! Just because I wouldn't post a first draft myself...). But, Red asked for advice so I just gave the advice I thought he needed most. I don't wish to put off young writers, only to encourage and point out where they could improve. I like Red's story and would like to see him finish it!

That's right, Red asked you for advice, I didn't.

I think RedblueFlare make up his own mind based on varying opinions, not just yours...well if we are the only two reading this story, he is bound to get only two and probably opposing opinions.
I would rather he do it on his own and take what advice he considers valuable to the sell-ability of his story on a larger level than just two people who end up bumping heads no matter how hard one of them tries not to.

Moni



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[Redblueflare]

Well the two of you have really helped me out a lot. I came to a decision though and changed T.K.'s description. While I see Tk as a good sister, others may see her differently. (You'll see what I mean.) I decided to keep Alan's and Krystal descriptions, because I didn't name them as a tomboy, or anything like that. I need some help on the last paragraph of this post. I want a stop dancing, and kiss without knowing it type of thing, but I have no idea how to put that on paper. Any suggestions?

“How can he run so fast after just jumping out of a two story window?” Flare asked.
If I didn’t know Alan I would’ve been wondering the same thing. He was a blur, and moving so quickly it was hard to catch his movements. It was difficult to be sure his feet were even touching the ground.
“Do you think a slight drop like that is going to slow him down?” Tk wondered. “Not a chance!”
“That’s enough of a head start don’t you think so Tk?” I asked.
“That’s long enough.” Tk agreed.

The two of us jumped right out the window right behind Alan. We took off right after him, but flying. It wasn’t very long before we caught up.
“Hi.” Tk said when the two of us were on opposite sides of him Alan.
Alan responded by leaping over the twelve foot bronze gate. He landed softly again, and took off not slowing in the least. Tk and I were right behind him though. It didn’t take much for us to catch up to him. You can always fly faster than someone running. Alan knew from the beginning he wasn’t going to get away form us running in a straight path. He saw a chance up ahead, a tree. In a quick movement he leaped, changing his direction in midair, and jumped off the tree trunk movement. If you’d blinked you would’ve missed it. Unfortunately for Alan, neither Tk nor I blinked. He intended to run back the way he came, but never got that far. I tackled him before he even hit the ground.
While he was still gasping for breath, (I hit him a little harder than I intended to.) I crossed his arms over his chest, and put my knees on top of them. All of my weight was enough to keep his arms from moving, so for the most part he was helpless.
“Gotcha!” I cried triumphantly.
“So you caught me.” He replied the words flowing easily. He wasn’t the least bit tired. “Now get off me… please.”
I paused for a second as I was thinking it over. “No.”
“Come on Krystal get off!” he shouted.
“No.” I repeated.
“Then you leave me no choice.”
I gasped in astonishment when he slowly began to lift me up with his arms. I shifted my weight slightly, and I came crashing back down leaving him in the same predicament as before.
Alan sighed. “Why do I even bother?”
I got an idea then and slowly slid my hands towards Alan’s ticklish waist. He squirmed.
“Don’t!” He warned.
“Are you still ticklish?” I asked smiling all the while. “I thought you would’ve outgrown that by now.”
”In six months?” Alan asked.
“It’s a possibility.” I replied.
“Well I haven’t!” Alan snapped. “Don’t tickle me!”
I leaned on his chest with my elbows. “What would you do if I did?”
“I’d throw you off before you got the chance.” He threatened.
“You’d laugh until you cried.” I corrected.
"Krystal let him up." Tk said from behind us.
"Do you give up?" I asked Alan.
"Nope."
"We're going to be here all day." Flare said impatiently.
"Wouldn't be the first time." Alan replied.
All three of us, Alan Tk, and I groaned at that memory. Not to long before Alan left, the two of us had been in the same exact position. None of us had wanted to give in to the other than either. Tk patient as always, had waited until both of us fell asleep, then carried us inside one at a time. She wasn't going to wait that long this time.
"We've got things to talk about, and better things to do then wait here." Tk reminded us.
She then wrapped her arms around my waist, and not so gently yanked me off her brother.
Alan took the opportunity to scramble onto his feet. "Let's go back inside." He said.

The six of us went back into Alan’s room. "So what have you guys been up to lately?" Alan asked. Tk quickly started to fill Alan in. She could spin a tale as well as any, however I only half listened. There aren't many words to explain how happy I was. My two best friends in the entire world were with me again. You'd be surprised how long six months can be without one of your best friends, especially if you've spent your entire life with that person.
As far as I could tell Alan had changed very little. Everyone knows that Alan is reckless, has a sarcastic personality, is stubborn, and that trouble is attracted to him like a moth to a flame. Only those closest to him know that he always has some kind of plan. (And then some kind of backup plan.) He's tried and pulled off some of the craziest schemes I've ever heard of, and at times can be quite serious. He can always be convinced to listen to reason, even if he doesn’t want to at first.
Some people have trouble being comfortable around Alan. It wasn't just his eyes alone that made people nervous. (You'd be surprised how many people can't keep eye contact with him.) Alan all by himself made people nervous. He has this way of sneaking up on you without intending to, especially at night. For some reason darkness has never scared him. He could sleep in a forest all alone, and feel perfectly safe. (Even though we all know he really isn't safe all by himself like that!) Being with Alan at night definitely has its uses. It was impossible to sneak up on him! No matter how hard you tried, he knew you were coming. No one ever had to stay up and keep watch. If someone or something came to close to us, Alan would wake up and alert everyone. If you ever had to "Venture into the darkness," as Alan says. You definitely want to bring him along.
Alan's looks hadn't changed at all. He was still the handsome kid I remembered. His short black hair was cut the same way it had always been. He wasn't very tall, maybe 5'8 or so. Tk and I were 5'10, just a bit taller than him. He'd always been athletic being able to run and jump distances many others couldn't copy. (Tk and I could keep up with him with ease though.) He was special in many ways. Well, female Icarians outnumber the males two to one. (I didn't understand why the guys didn't care about that at first. Now that I'm a little older I know!) Most females don't have any problem learning how to use certain abilities. On the other hand, powers beyond flight, superhuman strength, and speed, are rarities among Icarian males. Then you have Alan who can do absolutely everything the Icarians are known for along with Tk and I.
The most special thing about him by far is his eyes. They glow with a distinctive color code, which only his closest friends and family understands. (Tk is only family now. Their parents were killed by an evil dragon four years before. It's still a touchy subject and neither Tk nor Alan like to talk about it.) He inherited them from his mother, and his eyes are always the center of attention on his face, regardless of what he does to hide them. Usually when someone is staring a little bit to hard, Tk or myself, will cover his eyes and lead him out of the room.
He wasn't always the way he was now though. He didn’t used to be the type of person that would run up and talk to you. When we were younger he used to be very quiet. He never did much of anything, and always did his best to keep out of trouble. (He still does now; he just isn't as successful.) Tk and I thought he was boring. We picked on him constantly, until he finally started fighting back. He was changed forever, and sometimes the two of us still feel guilty about that.

Alan listened intently as Tk filled him in on what we’d been doing while he was away. Nothing much had happened. The world as a whole had been peaceful while Alan was away. Alan enjoyed peace just as much as any other person. On the other hand, he thinks a little chaos every now and then isn’t such a bad thing. I’ve never completely agreed with that, I’d rather have the world at peace the entire time. I don’t like the idea of innocent people being hurt but if there were no enemies to fight, and no people to save, what would the three of us do? I love our adventures as much as he does, and I certainly wouldn’t give them up. See? I’m talking in circles now.

“I thought you two would have done something interesting.” Alan said with a wide grin on his face.
“Everything has been quiet without you around to stir up trouble.” Tk replied.
“Hey all those incidents were not my fault!” Alan protested. “You can’t place the blame solely on me!”
Tk and I stared at him incredulously.
“At least not all the time.” Alan added. It was barely a whisper. “Would you two quit staring at me?” He asked uncomfortably.
“Alan what have you been up to all this time?” I asked changing the subject.
Alan shot me a thank you look. “Nothing.”
”What do you mean nothing?” Tk asked.
“I mean I was bored out of my mind.” Alan blurted out. “The people there go to school forever. No one in my class understood anything except me. Do you know how hard it is to know everything, and pretend you’re as lost as everyone else?”
“Not yet.” Red muttered.
“Yeah it must have been horrible being ahead of everyone else.” Flare said sarcastically.
“So you haven’t been up to much either for the last six months.” Tk reasoned.
“Nope.” Alan replied. “Did you guys miss me?”
“Alan how can you even ask that?” I cried. “Of course we missed you.”
“Six months is a long time to be separated from your little brother.” Tk told him chuckling.
Alan scowled. I couldn’t help but smile. All three of us had the same birthday, New Years Day 1121. (Our planet hasn’t been around as long as some of the others.) I was born two hours before Tk, and Tk five minutes before her twin brother. That makes Alan the youngest of us, and Tk doesn’t let him forget it.
“Come on Alan. You know I was you kidding you.” Tk said.
“I know.” Alan replied. “Sometimes I wish you two would find someone else to pick on.”
“No need to, when we’ve got you.” Tk explained.
“Alan sighed and went over to his chest. He rummaged inside for a while; then pulled out his medallion. It was almost identical to my own. His medallion had an engraving of a quarter moon. He rarely wore his, so I knew that wasn’t what he was looking for.
“Looking for this?” I asked him pulling out his sword.
“You hung on to Destiny the entire time I was gone?” he asked.
“Hung on to it?” Tk retorted. “She would barely let anyone look at the thing, much less touch it.”
“It really is a magnificent sword.” I said handing it to him. It wasn’t my usually language, (I hated how everyone thinks a princess was supposed to use big words.) but there really was no other way to describe the sword. The blade of the weapon flared in excitement as it returned to the hands of its partner.

Alan’s long sword was named Destiny. It was one of the most powerful magic items I’ve ever seen. (Tk’s weapons included.) Destiny drew its strength from the power of the wielder. The more skilled the wielder, the more powerful destiny became. It could slice through diamond with ease, and could be thrown like a boomerang. It didn’t need a sheath as Alan could make it vanish with a mere thought. Though he didn’t know exactly where it went. Alan could call the sword back whenever he liked by saying it’s name.

“The three of you do what you want. We’re going to get some breakfast.” Red announced. “See ya.”
“And try to stay out of trouble.” Snowball added. “Now that you’ve got your memory back, I worry for your safety.” The three guardians flew (Or jumped in Snowball’s case.) out the window.
“I always try to stay out of trouble!” Alan shouted at them.
Red, Flare and Snowball, were long out of earshot by then and hadn’t heard him.
“Ah well.” Alan muttered. “We should go get something to eat too. If you don’t mind making breakfast Tk.”

“Thanks for volunteering me to cook Alan.” TK said with mock bitterness.
“Would you like me to try to cook and burn the castle down?” Alan asked.
“Good point.” Tk replied.
“Besides your cooking is the best Tk.” Alan said.
“Just like your mother’s.” I agreed.
Tk nodded. “Thank you.”
Tk had learned to cook from her mother Danielle McCoy. She had a special talent for it, and cooked some of the most delicious meals I’ve ever tasted. Tk handled just about every meal in the castle, and seemed to enjoy every moment of it.
“Where are Michael and Maria?” Alan asked.
Alan and Tk call my parents by their first names, Michael and Maria.
“They’re probably in Angelo.” I reasoned, meaning the country not to far from Kenton.
“It is trading season so I don’t know exactly where they are.”
“Why you worried?” Tk asked as she sat a plate of pancakes in front of us.
“No of course not.” Alan answered. “I just want to know where they are.”
“They probably won’t be back for awhile.” I said. “So you may not see them for a long time.”
“Hopefully it’s not to long.” Alan muttered. He grabbed the jar of maple syrup and poured a little on his pancakes.
“Don’t worry.” I told him. “They’ll be back in time for your welcome party.” I said smiling.
“I don’t think that’s necessary…” Alan began.
“Well my parents aren’t going to call it off now.” I pointed out. “Besides you’ve always enjoyed yourself at parties.”
“That’s when they aren’t thrown for me!” Alan said.
“What’s wrong with a party thrown in your honor?” Tk asked.
Alan sighed and laid his head down on the table. “Never mind.”
“Since you know Maria isn’t going to cancel it, Krystal or I could teach you to dance.” Tk told him.
“You know that I can dance Tk.” Alan replied.
“I wouldn’t call what the two of you were doing that night dancing.” Tk said.
I blushed, and Alan’s eyes turned from gold to maroon.

The two of us knew exactly what night Tk was talking about. It was the very night that I had taught Alan to dance.. He always was so stubborn about that activity, and came up with some excuse to get out dancing with me, or any other girl. It always bothered me to see everyone else having fun on the ball floor, and Alan sitting down watching. I knew he would learn quickly, he always did. So I tricked him into promising to dance with me. That night I learned Alan was a decent dancer, and actually good at dancing for that matter. I didn’t understand all his fuss about it.



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Everyone is entitled to their own opinion, I just don't have to listen.

First off, you changed your perspective in this part without warning.

When the story began, the "I" was Alan, now in the beginning of this section, the "I" is Krystal?

Headers over seperate points of view would clue a reader in as to whose perspective they were seeing the story from i.e.

Alan
(the beginning of the story)

and later...
Krystal

when perspective changes.

Seeing the story from different sides is acceptable by all means but should be labeled as who is doing the seeing, thinking and talking if the "I" in a story is going to change.



OK, now I am going back to read the rest...OOPS! No I can't yet! I have some painting that I can't put off another day! I'll BBL I promise!


Moni

[This message has been edited by Moni (edited 06-07-2001).]

[Fljotsdale]

Originally posted by Moni: That's right, Red asked you for advice, I didn't. I think RedblueFlare make up his own mind based on varying opinions, not just yours...well if we are the only two reading this story, he is bound to get only two and probably opposing opinions. I would rather he do it on his own and take what advice he considers valuable to the sell-ability of his story on a larger level than just two people who end up bumping heads no matter how hard one of them tries not to. Moni

Ah! Finally found the 'bumping heads' post!

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