What happens when you....

[Rokenn]

cross EverQuest with Lord of the Rings? The result is unpleasant at best

Frodo looked out across the barren landscape, the Ring heavy in his pocket. "Oh, Sam, I'm so tired. We have travelled so far, and endured so much to come to this horrid place at last. But I cannot go on, I simply have not the strength to continue."

"Enough of that, Mr. Frodo", Sam said, tears welling in his sad brown eyes. The six months of travel showed on Samwise Gamgee, and the strain of getting to this hellish point echoed still in his darkened countenance. His hood was drawn up against the hot wind blowing from the slopes of the infernal mountain. "Mr. Elrond chose well, he did, when he held counsel. He saw through to your heart, and knew you would be strong, Mr. Frodo, and that's what you are. Come now, let's get moving. The faster we're done with this unpleasant business the faster we can get back to the Shire." Sam glanced uneasily at Gollum, still tressed in the elven rope, and scratching where it burned his skin. Gollum glared back at Sam, an unmistakeable hungry leer in his look.

"Aye, Samwise, it has been a long road, it's true. I do wish old Bilbo had never found this ring, and started us all on this perilous...what was that noise? Orcs?"

On the path ahead, a commotion arose. Cheers and ragged screams welled from what sounded like a hundred voices filled the chasms around Mt. Doom with an unholy cacophany. From the cave mouth just ahead, where the Fires of Mt. Doom burned forever, a giant Ogre came stumbling out, and trod to within inches of where Gollum, Samwise, and Frodo sat. The three shrank back against the cliff in fear, but the ogre took no notice of them. Instead, he raised his cudgel to the sky, and screamed in the full timbre of his ogrish voice, "WOOT! Dark Lord PWNED!"

An answering call of a hundred voices echoed from without the cave, and many a shout of "Woot!" and "Gratz!" came, as more and more beings piled forth from the cave. Elves, Hobbits, Trolls, and Humans all came forth, slapping the ogre on the back and looking at a small black bag the ogre held in his other hand. "PWNED!"

"Uhm, excuse me...", began Frodo.

"Eh?" the ogre turned and looked at the halfing, noticing him for the first time. "WTF are you doing here? Is that Mithril? Dude, WTF are you doing in this zone in Mithril? Go to Lothlorien, and get yourself a Galadriel Skin Tunic. It's like so much better than that crap you're wearing. Mithril, that's like, tradeskill stuff, right? Hey, Ubernutz, check this hobbit out, he's in this zone in fooking tradeskill crap!"

"Just a sec, Urofsuke," a half elf said from a little ways up the trail. "I'm doing loot. Did you say tradeskill stuff? Hah, how lame!"

Frodo's head swam, with hunger and the heat. "Yes, the tunic, it was forged by dwarves long ago, and was given to me by my Uncle..."

"You're a twink?"

"Ah, hmm. I was just wondering..ah, you see, I found this Ring, lost for centuries, and was sent on a quest from Rivendell to destroy..."

"You're doing the fooking QUEST?! BWAH, hahahah, that's rich, dude, no one has the time to wait for that Gollum puke to spawn! Just come and kill TDL and get his hand, and do the turn in from there. WTF, I can't believe you waited for the fooking ring." Urofsuke peered down at the little hobbit, a look of distain across his broad face. "Doesn't matter now, of course, we just pwned TDL and he won't be around for a while." Frodo blinked, confused by the ogre's words. "TDL...?"

Urofsuke sighed, and took on a tone of voice usually reserved for small, ogrish children who had eaten a froglok right before their dinnertime. "The Dark Lord, dude. The boss mob in this zone. We just killed him, so he won't be up for you to do the quest part with that ring."

"But the council of Rivendell...."

"Dude, let me tell you, Rivendell sucks. It's only good for tradeskills. Only reason to go to that zone is to pharm crowns from Elrond. Nice crown, but it's his rare. He usually just drops a no drop phial, heals damage from Mordor Blades. Like anyone uses one of those POS things."

"Pharm...crowns?" Frodo's vision blurred, and he swayed backwards, momentarily losing his footing. He knocked against Gollum, who let out a yelp and scampered further back against the cliff.

"Holy fook, it's Gollum!" and without another word, Urofsuke smashed Gollum with a mighty blow from his cudgel, and killed the poor, pathetic creature outright. Gollum let out a small squeal, then lay still, pressed against the elven cord. "Hahahah! Fooking Greenie mob! I love those!", and the ogre walked up and took a heretofore unseen bag from Gollum's back. "Woot! Gollum's satchel! This'll bring me a couple kpp! Uh, dude, there's another ring on the corpse, it's no drop, and not lore, if you want it..."

"Now see here, Gollum was with us!" Samwise began, momentarily overcoming his bewilderment and fear to approach the towering ogre. "We were taking him to..."

"Can't claim an outdoor mob, dude. Gollum's FFA. If you didn't attack him, he's not your mob. Sorry, them's the rules."

"Urofsuke, my alt just reported Smaug up in Gondor, dude, let's go!" Ubernutz had finished handing around what appeared to be a darkened sword and crown. "We're porting out from here, you in?"

"Yeah, I"m coming. Well, nice talking to you guys. We're porting to Gondor, you guys need a lift?"

"We have walked for many months to come to this place..." Frodo began again, trying to regain some measure of control over the situation.

"You WALKED? In MITHRIL? To MOUNT DOOM? Dude, there's a port in at Minas Morgul! WTF ever, okay? I'm outta here." And with that, a shimmering light surrounded the ogre, and a whooshing sound heralded his disappearance, and the disappearance of the other hundred or so souls that had gathered on that desolate trail, leaving Samwise and Frodo alone, once again, with only the bleeding corpse of Gollum for company. The one ring of power gleamed dully in Frodo's hand, and seemed, for a long while, to be just a bit heavier than it had been.

[J'aran]

ROTFL! Hah, golden! Best laugh I had in quite some time.