06-10-2002, 11:44 PM | #1 |
Xanathar Thieves Guild
Join Date: January 18, 2002
Age: 38
Posts: 4,557
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Hello everyone! Im sure lots of you have viewed my Insightful Prose thread for my AP Lang&Comp final, and if you havnt just check it out real fast so u know where im comnig form here.
Well thats the 2nd part of the final. The 1st part is reading a piece of poetry or prose we wrote ourselves. So heres mine, tell me whatcha think! For all those who wanted to see my free-verse poetry, this is it, though not my best quality Fingers pressing easily on mother-of-pearl keys Staring out into a crowd Faces both familiar and not Notes flowing smoothly in a well-rounded tone Taking rhythms from nowhere And relaying them to the anticipating masses Drawing to a close Choking the last note off abruptly Recieving enthusiastic cheers and applause Or a standing ovation This is what playing saxaphone brings you And i would never change it So there it is, rather proud of my 10 minute work Any recommendations for fixing it up or making it more dramatic are welcome also
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06-11-2002, 12:02 AM | #2 |
Set - Egyptian God of Chaos
Join Date: January 7, 2002
Location: Christchurch, New Zealand
Age: 45
Posts: 2,975
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Great stuff Jen, I was picturing you on the stage in one of those poet cafe things with a beret and little round glasses on.
Wish I was better at literature - poems, stories, the works but I have trouble putting my thoughts on paper
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06-11-2002, 12:22 AM | #3 |
Drow Priestess
Join Date: March 13, 2001
Location: a hidden sanctorum high above the metroplex
Age: 54
Posts: 4,037
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You might try accentuating how the faces in the crowd are both familiar and not; something like "faces in the crowd/strangely familiar and familiarly strange" or something like that, taking advantage of the turn-around of the two words.
Also, you state that playing the saxophone brings cheers and applause, but what does it really bring you on a personal level? It never hurts to let the reader know where you go emotionally when you play, or how it feels when you play for others. Finally, I would find somewhere else from which to have rythyms originate than "nowhere"; from your soul, perhaps. For 10 minutes, not bad at all. [img]graemlins/awesomework.gif[/img] [img]graemlins/petard.gif[/img]
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06-11-2002, 12:29 AM | #4 | |
Manshoon
Join Date: March 27, 2002
Location: Boulder, CO
Age: 45
Posts: 199
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I'd make the following changes. They're kinda subtle... I took them straight out of your verse so read closely.
Quote:
It's a good bit of free verse. I want more personal details in it tho'. The mother-of-pearl keys is a kind of an intimate detail that really helps connect you and the reader. I hate to say this because it's so contrary to what I usually say but I think you use too many adverbs. I cut alot of lys and ings. Ummmmm... yeah. Don't be afraid to use punctuation either. Keep it up. DeSoya [ 06-11-2002, 12:32 AM: Message edited by: DeSoya ]
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06-11-2002, 03:09 AM | #5 | |
Ma'at - Goddess of Truth & Justice
Join Date: January 9, 2002
Location: Mt. Gambier, Australia
Age: 36
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