How to be a conspiracy theorist.

[Dreamer128]

How to be a conspiracy theorist.
Member Article by Kepi

People always ask me, "Kepi, how can I prove, beyond the shadow of a doubt, that I completely 'off my rocker' insane?" This is pretty easy to pull off if you're truly committed to being committed. All you have to do is follow a few easy steps, and you'll be a conspiracy theorist in no time.


The hardest part about being a conspiracy theorist is ignoring things like facts and information from reliable sources. In order to do this, I suggest you purchase a physics textbook, a chemistry textbook, and a biology textbook. Read them all. Then remember to forget all that junk, because it's lies written by a) The Illuminati, b) Aliens, c) The government, pretending to be aliens, which is just a front for the Illuminati. The only thing that you can trust is your own words and some arbitrary things that you've observed.


Alright, once you've done that, it's time to read up. It's a good idea to read a lot of ancient mythology, especially non-Greek/Roman mythology (because no one else knows it, so you can twist it how ever you like). It's also a good idea to look on the web for sites on secret societies. Pay special attention to their histories, however never look at any other sources of history. This is key. You may also want to look at a lot of sites discussing "real" aliens and ghosts. You'd have to be a fool not to know about these things, even if you don't believe in them. It's key to being a well rounded looney. You're gonna need this info to mock other loonies on the internet. Trust me, if you skip this one, people might think that you're just a lousy hack, and you'll never go down in the annals of history for saving the world or being the craziest guy on your block.


Next, choose a concentrated area of study. This is what you'll be writing on. If you think you might have any iota of sanity left, I suggest you read over the material you reviewed in your conspiracy theorist gen. ed. If there's one that you can read with out laughing until you beat your head against your keyboard to stop, you've found the one that's right for you. If you giggle at them all, you're not cut out to be a conspiracy theorist. Giddy schoolgirls just aren't welcome in the nutcase society. Perhaps you should invest in a nice Grocery cart and some bags full of trash that you find on the street.


Now comes the fun part: writing and publishing. This stuff can be tedious, especially since you can't rely on other sources. You're a theorist, and you can't trust other people to see into your loony bin world. It's best to prepare for this step by drinking a lot and thinking about who's behind it all. If that doesn't work, stay up for a couple of days straight, then pound pots of coffee until the lights look funny.


Now that you've done your preparation, take your loose knowledge of various paranormal phenomena and secret societies and try to link them to a popular historical event such as September 11th or the Kennedy Assassination. Your first couple should be rough drafts. Don't be dissapointed if they sound stupid to you. Remember you're new at this crazy thing. If you're really having trouble, take your idea, and then put it up against another theorists ideas and try to discredit them as best you can (try Art Bell first, then work your way down to the 12 year old "hacker"). Your first couple works are gonna be web published, because you have to get enough of a following and lots of writing experience before you're ready to be published.


Okay, now it's time to trouble shoot. Having trouble getting from thing to the next? That's okay. You just need to think like a nut case. First off, convienience is never the answer. Remember, the organization that you're pitting yourself against has infinite resources, unlimited power, and doesn't want to be seen. They love beaurocracy, and that's your advantage. They're of course, not going to do things themselves. That's far too easy. You've got to realize that they're going to use their power to have someone else do it, and then set up a patsy (Much like Lee Harvey Oswald was, or wasn't). The government is good for this, as are the Masons.


So you're still having trouble? Okay, try hack job, cockney numerology. It's the best and only way. Your imagined foes are much like the riddler, except they have better fashion sense. The best part of using numbers is that they make you look scientific and factual, they are everywhere, and they're kinda mysterious.


Alright, I've given you all the help I can, you nutcase. What are you waiting for, the a) Illuminati; b) Aliens; c) MC Hammer clone army must pay for their crimes against humanity. Be loud, be proud, but watch your back. They're after you.

[Source: http://www.youthink.com/article.asp?article_id=363]