From the staightjacket

[John D Harris]

A man goes to a shrink and says, "Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me.
Every evening, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up men. In fact, she
sleeps with anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy. What do you think
I should do?" "Relax," says the Doctor, "take a deep breath and calm
down. Now, tell me, where exactly is Larry's bar?"
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An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a "Curse" he
has been living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard says "Maybe,
but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the
curse on you." The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce
you man and wife."
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John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully. "Give me one last
request, Dear," he said. "Of course, John," his wife said softly.
"Six months after I die," he said, "I want you to marry Joe." "But I
thought you hated Joe," she said. With his last breath, John said, "I
do!"
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A man picks up a young woman in a bar and convinces her to come back
to his hotel. When they are relaxing afterwards, he asks, "Am I the
first man you ever made love to?" She looks at him thoughtfully for a
second before replying. "You might be," she says. "Your face looks
familiar."
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Man goes to see the Rabbi. "Rabbi, something terrible is happening
and I have to talk to you about it." The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"
The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me." The Rabbi, very surprised
by this, asks, "How can that be?" The man then pleads, "I'm telling
you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?" The Rabbi
then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can
find out and I'll let you know." A week later the Rabbi calls the man
and says, "Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone
for three hours. You want my advice?" The man said yes and the Rabbi
replied, "Take the poison."
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Father O'Malley rose from his bed. It was a fine spring day in his new Washington DC parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called the US Senate for assistance.

The conversation went like this: "Good morning. This is Senator Daschle. How might I help you?"

"And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St.Brigid's. There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn. Would ye be so kind as to send a couple o' yer lads to take care of the matter?"

Senator Daschle, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk, "Well now father, it was always my impression that you people took care of last rites!"

There was dead silence on the line for a long moment. Father O'Malley then replied: "Aye, that's certainly true, but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin.

[Nanobyte]

Where do you find all this stuff? It's hilarious!

[John D Harris]

Originally posted by Nanobyte: Where do you find all this stuff? It's hilarious!

I have secret operatives from all over the world

I get jokes e-mailed to me from friends.