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Old 11-13-2002, 11:13 AM   #1
Rokenn
Galvatron
 

Join Date: January 22, 2002
Location: california wine country
Age: 54
Posts: 2,193
That was the sound of my brain exploding after reading this, proceed with caution:

This is the goddamned weirdest thing ever

This is one of those stories where the story itself is weird enough, and then suddenly there's a seperate story inside it that's even weirder. Except this is beyond weird. This is something that I legally am required to provide an advance warning: if you try to read this post more than two or three consecutive times, your head will simply explode.

An L.A. restaurateur just won a rare 2-pound mushroom in an annual "charity truffle auction" in Santa Monica. The winner paid $35,000 for the truffle after a fierce bidding war between a New York-based restaurant owner and Gunther IV, who placed his bids through a subsidiary due to the fact that he is, in fact, a dog. The canine heir to a vast German fortune lost the auction, and the honor of placing the highest recorded bid ever for a mushroom.

Well go ahead, goddamit. Read it again.

Lewis Black once did a great comedy routine about how he was sitting in an IHOP one morning and overheard a woman say in a conversation "If it weren't for my horse, I never would have spent that last year in college." His rationale was that this was the quintessential line of human dialogue that, if ever attempted to analyze, would immediately cause blood to erupt from one's brain out through their nose. I think we've just beat it with this backstory.

I have been told that truffles, for a fact, are rather expensive. And I understand that a rare culinary delicacy could merit the need for the rarest of said rarities to be auctioned- hell, after watching all that Iron Chef I understand that food can cost a lot of money. But there is no way I could rationalize the unrepeated, unexamined, absurdly nonchalant way that the article about this auction just casually mentioned that a dog who just happened to be the heir to a German fortune was involved in it. Screw the damn mushrooms.

It was with this heavy heart and burdened mentality in which I made the unbelievably ludicrous mistake of actually obtaining information about this dog. I would like to apologize to all my readers for the severe headaches you are all about to get upon reading the remainder of this post.

The dog's name is Gunther IV. Yes, this is the starting point of the fact sheet. Let's carry on.

The dog's name is Gunther IV. He is, for the record, the richest dog in the world, being the sole heir to the estate of Gunther III, the previous richest dog in the world, who was bequeathed the estate of the late German countess Karlotta Liebenstein in 1992. Though managed through his owner, Gunther IV is technically the holder of the estate, worth an estimated one hundred million dollars. Failing to purchase Sylvester Stallone's house in 1999, the dog and his staff settled for the $7.5 million-purchase of a villa in Florida previously owned by Madaonna in 2000.

Oh, we're not done. Sweet, merciful Christ, this isn't over. Some of you, whiskey in hand, may have been wondering about the "staff." Here they are. Go, look. I'll wait.

That's right. The dog lives with a staff of five half-naked ridiculously toned-and-tanned men and women identified as "The Burgundians," who are furnished and paid, apparently, to take care of the dog and maintain their own fabulous looks. One would, of course, expect an expanation from these people, who are of course sentient rational people and in no way whatsoever members of any cult, nope of course not no sir not at all. The following passage is directly from Gunther's official website (you heard me,) the same site in which the staff photos are found:

[T]he dog Gunther the dog currently spends a lot of time with 5 "gifted youngsters" known as the Burgundians. These five youngsters were the most talented among a selected group of boys and girls of international origin endowed with special features; beauty, intelligence and independence. These five youngsters were also considered especially suited to maintain a "joyful" life with Gunther the millionaire dog.

Thus, Gunther and the other dogs of the group's whole life and training are oriented towards the achievement of joy, pleasure, amusement and improvement of their sexual activity. Recall that Gunther and the other dogs were originally chosen because of their spontaneous inclination towards these types of behavior.

Another element which the experts believe is necessary in order to raise the quality of a dog's life is for the dog to live without a specific "owner." Rather, the animal should live together with young euphoric people. These youngsters should be as dynamic, joyful and clever as possible. The experts contend that the company of young, joyful and sexually very active people operates to increase the drive, mood, alertness and other cerebral processes of the dog which in turn generates its happiness and, ultimately, better psychological health. Additionally, the company of these youngsters "pleases" the dog and brings him to fulfillment.

This is, of course, where my brain simply died.

from: http://www.xoverboard.com/
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Old 11-13-2002, 11:23 AM   #2
MagiK
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Sounds like a perfectly normal liberal line of schlock to me [img]smile.gif[/img]
 
Old 11-13-2002, 11:29 AM   #3
Thoran
Galvatron
 

Join Date: January 10, 2002
Location: Upstate NY
Age: 51
Posts: 2,109
That's just not right!
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Old 11-13-2002, 12:22 PM   #4
Horatio
Ma'at - Goddess of Truth & Justice
 

Join Date: September 19, 2001
Location: Behind these metal bars
Age: 35
Posts: 3,117
My head hurts...
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Old 11-13-2002, 12:28 PM   #5
purre
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Join Date: October 31, 2002
Location: Finland
Age: 34
Posts: 649
I dont know what to say...my head feels strange...and my eyes started to get dry...
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Old 11-13-2002, 12:34 PM   #6
/)eathKiller
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Join Date: January 5, 2002
Location: Guantanamo Bay, Cuba
Age: 33
Posts: 6,043
*takes out anti beastiality bazooka*

*loads in anti-"Mr. Dog" Missile*

*aims*

"MAKE THE HURTING STOOOOOP!!!"
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Old 11-13-2002, 01:13 PM   #7
khazadman
User suspended until [Feb13]
 

Join Date: December 6, 2001
Location: the south side of ol virginny
Age: 57
Posts: 1,172
There are some screwed up morons out there. Bunch of sick f**ks!
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Old 11-14-2002, 02:50 AM   #8
caleb
Horus - Egyptian Sky God
 

Join Date: April 10, 2001
Location: Tacoma, WA, U.S.A.
Age: 34
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Old 11-14-2002, 03:39 AM   #9
Lord Starshadow
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Join Date: October 3, 2002
Location: The plane of non-existence... and Michigan
Age: 38
Posts: 1,087
Uh... *scratches head* Uh... Okay?

caleb, that's my thoughts exactly. Well, maybe not the monkey humping a robot part.
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