Annual Blackadder Thread

[Dreamer128]

Yup, it's that time of the year again. For your amusement, ladies and gentlefolk of Ironworks.


Baldrick, you wouldn't recognize a subtle plan if it painted itself purple and danced naked on a harpsicord singing 'subtle plans are here again'.
- EB, "Blackadder's Christmas Carol"

I fear the words "I have a cunning plan" are rapidly marching towards this conversation with ill-deserved confidence.
- EB, "Blackadder's Christmas Carol"

"Tell me, Brother Baldrick, what exactly did God do to the Sodomites?"
"I dunno, but I can't imagine it was worse than what they used to do to each other."
- EB & Baldrick, "Blackadder's Christmas Carol"

I can't see the point in the theatre. All that sex and violence. I get enough of that at home. Apart from the sex, of course.
- Baldrick

"I want my mother."
"Ah, yes Baldrick. A maternally crazed gorilla would come in handy at this very moment."
- Baldrick & EB

"Ah, Blackadder. Started talking to yourself, I see."
"Yes...it's the only way I can be assured of intelligent conversation."
- Melchett and Edmund

"I don't take kindly to insults"
"Funny, with a face like yours, I'd have thought you'd be used to it by now."
- EB & ?

As a reward, Baldrick, take a short holiday...did you enjoy it?
- Edmund

BELLS
In the house of Kate and her father.

K: Father, I must speak. I can be silent no longer. All day long you muttered to yourself, gibbered, dribbled, moaned and bat your head against the wall, yelling "I want to die". Now you may say I'm leaping to conclusions but you're not *completely* happy, are you? It's mother, isn't it?
F: No, it is not.
K: You're brooding over her death, aren't you?
F: Kate, for the final time, your mother is not dead. She's run off with your uncle Henry.
K: Dear father, I know you only say such things to comfort me.
F: Your mother is alive and well and living in Droitwich. It is not her I brood over. I'm sad because, my darling, our poverty has now reached such extremes that I can no longer afford to keep us. I must look to my own dear tiny darling to sustain me in my frail dotage.
K: But father, surely...
F: Yes Kate, I want you to become a prostitute.
K: Father!
F: Do you defy me?
K: But indeed, I do. For it is better to die poor than to live in shame and ignominy.
F: No, it isn't.
K: I'm young and strong and clever. My nose is pretty. I shall find another way to earn us a living.
F: Oh, please... go on the game. It is a steady job and you'd be working from home.
K: Goodbye father. I shall go to London, disguise my self as a boy and seek my fortune!
F: But why go all the way to London when you can make a fortune lying on your back?

EB becomes worried about the feelings he is getting for his manservant, Bob, who is actually a cunningly disguised good-looking girl called Kate, and goes to the doctors.
D: Now then what seems to be the trouble?
E: Well, it is my man servant.
D: I see. Well don't be embarrassed if you got the pocks. Just pop your man servant on the table and we'll take a look at him.
E: No, I mean, it is my real man servant.
D: Ah, ah. And what is wrong with him?
E: There is nothing wrong with him. That is the problem. He's perfect and last night I almost kissed him.
D: I see. So you started fancying boys then, have you?
E: Not boys. A boy.
D: Yes, well let's not split hairs. It is all rather disgusting and naturally you're worried.
E: Of course I'm worried.
D: Well, of course you are. It isn't every day a man wakes up to discover he's a screaming bender with no more right to live on Gods clean earth than a weazle. Ashamed of your self?
E: Not really, no.
D: Bloody hell! I would be. But still why should I complain? Just leaves more rampant totty for us real men, eh?
E: Look, am I paying for this personal abuse or is it extra?
D: No, it's all part of the service. I think you're in luck though. An extraordinary new cure has just been developed for exactly this kind of sordid problem.
E: It wouldn't have anything to do with leeches, would it?
D: I had no idea you were a medical man.
E: Never had anything you doctors didn't try to cure with leeches. A leech on my ear for ear ache, a leech on my bottom for constipation.
D: They're marvellous, aren't they?
E: Well, the bottom one wasn't. I just sat there and squashed it.
D: You know the leech comes to us on the highest authority?
E: Yes. I know that. Dr. Hoffmann of Stuttgart, isn't it?
D: That's right, the great Hoffmann.
E: Owner of the largest leech farm of Europe.
D: Yes. Well, I cannot spend all day gossiping. I'm a busy man. As far as this case is concerned I have now had time to think it over and I can strongly recommend a course of leeches.
E: Yes. I 'll pop a couple down my codpiece before I go to bed.
D: No, no, no, no. Don't be ridiculous. This isn't the dark ages. Just pop four in your mouth in the morning and let them dissolve slowly. In a couple of weeks you 'll be beating your servant with a stick, just like the rest of us.

EB goes to visit the Wise Woman in Putney and asks a Young Crone for information
E: Tell me Young crone, is this Putney?
C: That it be, that it be.
E: "Yes it is". Not "that it be". You don't have to talk in that stupid voice to me. I'm not a tourist. I seek information about a Wisewoman.
C: Ah, the Wisewoman.. the Wisewoman.
E: Yes, the Wisewoman.
C: Two things, my lord, must thee know of the Wisewoman. First, she is... a woman, and second, she is ...
E: .. wise?
C: You do know her then?
E: No, just a wild stab in the dark which is incidentally what you'll be getting if you don't start being a bit more helpful. Do you know where she lives?
C: Of course.
E: Where?
C: Here. Do you have an appointment?
E: No.
C: Well, you can go in anyway.
E: Thank you Young crone. Here is a purse of moneys... which I'm not going to give to you.

HEAD

BA: Please let me finish. What, are you wearing round your neck?
P: Ah! It's my new rough!
BA: You look like a bird who's swallowed a plate!
P: It's the latest fashion actually and as a matter of fact it makes me look rather sexy!
BA: To another plate swallowing bird perhaps. If it was blind and hadn't had it in months.

- BA & Percy
M: Unhappily Blackadder, the Lord High Executioner is dead.
BA: Oh woe ! Murdered of course.
M: No, oddly enough no. They usually are but this one just got careless one night and signed his name on the wrong dotted line. They came for him while he slept.
- Melchett & Blackadder
Right, good morning team. My name is Edmund Blackadder and I'm the new minister in charge of religious genocide. Now, if you play straight with me you'll find me a considerate employer, but cross me and you'll find that under this playful boyish exterior beats the heart of a ruthless sadistic maniac.
- Blackadder's induction speech as Lord High Executioner
BA: Good, well done and your name is ?
P: Ploppy Sir.
BA: Ploppy ?
P: Yes Sir.
BA: Ploppy the jailor ?
P: That's right Sir. Ploppy son of Ploppy.
BA: Ploppy, son of Ploppy the jailor ?
M: Ah ach no Sir. I am the first Ploppy to rise to be jailor.My father, Daddy Ploppy was known as Ploppy the slopper. It was from him that I inherited my fascinating skin diseases.
BA: Yes you are to be congratulated, my friend, we, we live in an age where illness and deformity are common place and yet Ploppy, you are without a doubt the most repulsive individual that I have ever met. I would shake your hand but I fear it would come off.
- Blackadder meets the staff
And in Genoa, 'tis now the fashion to pin a live frog to the shoulder braid, stand in a bucket and go "bibble" at passers by.
- Blackadder makes small-talk with the Queen
POTATO
To you it's a potato, to me it's a potato. But to Sir Walter Bloody Raleigh it's country estates, fine carriages, and as many girls as his tongue can cope with. He's making a fortune out of the things; people are smoking them, building houses out of them... They'll be eating them next.

- EB
"You'd never dare. Why, 'round the Cape, the rain beats down so hard it makes your head bleed! "
"So, some sort of hat is probably in order "
- Sir Walter Raleigh & EB
"You have a woman's hand, milord! I'll wager these dainty pinkies never weighed anchor in a storm."
"Your skin milord. I'll wager it ne'er felt the lash of a cat ['o' nine tails], been rubbed with salt, and then flayed off by a pirate chief to make fine stockings for his best cabin boy."
"Ha. -Aah! You have a woman's purse! I'll wager that purse has never been used as a rowing-boat. I'll wager it's never had sixteen shipwrecked mariners tossing in it."
"Oh! You have a woman's mouth, milord! I'll wager that mouth never had to chew through the side of a ship to escape the dreadful spindly killer fish. "
- Mad Captain Rum discusses Blackadder's … attributes
"I must say, when I came to see you, I had no idea I was going to have to eat your ship as well as hire it. And since you're clearly as mad as a mongoose I'll bid you farewell."
- EB
"Aaah, courtiers to the Queen, you're nothing but lapdogs to a slip of a girl."
"Better a 'lapdog to a slip of a girl', than a... Git."
- Rum & EB
R: You have a woman's legs, my lord! I'll wager those are legs that have never been sliced clean off by a falling sail, and swept into the sea before your very eyes.
E : Well, neither have yours.
R: That's where you're wrong [throws aside table showing his lack of legs]
E: Oh my God!
R: No point in changing your mind now; no one else will come. The whole thing's suicide anyway.
- Rum & EB…again…whole scene is cool
Farewell, Blackadder [hands him a parchment]. The foremost cartographers of the land have prepared this for you; it's a map of the area that you'll be traversing. [Blackadder opens it up and sees it is blank] -They'll be very grateful if you could just fill it in as you go along. Bye-bye.
- Lord Melchett & EB
E: Look, there's no need to panic. Someone in the crew will know how to steer this thing.
R: The crew, milord?
E: Yes, the crew.
R: What crew?
E: I was under the impression that it was common maritime practice for a ship to have a crew.
R: Opinion is divided on the subject.
E: Oh, really? [starting to get the picture]
R: Yahs. All the other captains say it is; I say it isn't.
E: Oh, God; Mad as a brush.
- Edmund & Captain Rum
"Madam, without you, life was like a broken pencil...pointless."
- EB to Queen
"I'd like to see the Spaniard who could make his way past ME!"
"Well, go to Spain. There are millions of 'em."
- Percy and Edmund
"We're doomed to a watery grave with a Captain who's legless..."
"Rubbish! I've hardly touched a drop!"
"No, no, I mean...you haven't got any legs."
- Percy and Captain Rum

MONEY

E: (wearily) Oh god. What time is it?
B: Four o'clock.
E: Baldrick, I've told you before: you mustn't let me sleep all day; this woman charges by the hour.
B: No, My Lord, it's four o'clock in the morning.
E: Someone wants to see me at four in the morning? What is he, a giant lark?
B: No, he's a priest.
E: Tell him I'm jewish.
M: (pushing herself out from beneath the covers at the foot of the bed) Aren't you going to introduce me, then?
E: What?
M: Aren't you going to introduce me to your friend?
E: Oh very well, but I think you're making a terrible mistake. Baldrick,I'm delighted to introduce you to ... I'm sorry, I've forgotten your name.
M: Mollie!
E: Of course, Mollie. Baldrick, this is Mollie, a dear friend of mine.
M: I'm not dear. I'm very reasonable actually, Baldrick. Most girls would charge an extra sixpence for all the horrible things he wants to do.
E: Alright, alright. Baldrick, this is Mollie, an inexpensive prostitute. Mollie, this is Baldrick, a pointless peasant. Now let me get some sleep.

EB is trying to sell his house
M: What about the privies?
E: Well, what we're talking about in, erm, privy terms is the very latest in front-wall, fresh-air orifices, combined with a wide-capacity gutter installation below.
M: You mean you crap out of the window.
E: Yes!
M: Well! In that case, we'll *definitely* take it! I can't stand those dirty indoor things.

The eyes are open, the mouth moves, but Mr. Brain has long since departed, hasn't he, Perce ?

- EB to Percy
You should have killed me while you had the chance. You have looked in wonder at your last dawn, Blackadder!
- The Baby-Eating Bishop of Bath & Wells
BEER
P: I must say, Edmund, it was jolly nice of you to ask me to share your breakfast before the rigours of the day begin.
E: Well, it is said, Percy, that civilised man seeks out good and intelligent company, so that, through learned discourse, he may rise above the savage and closer to God.
P: Yes, I've heard that.
E: Personally, however, I like to start the day with a total dickhead to remind me I'm best.

No thank you! Cold is God's way of telling us to burn more catholics!

- EB's Puritan Auntie
Don't call me `Aunty'!!! `Aunt' is a relative, and relatives are evidence of sex, and sex is hardly a fitting subject for the dinner table.
- The Puritan Aunt from Hell
Well, I'm sure we all remember the shame and embarrassment of the visit of the King of Austria when Blackadder was found wandering naked among the corridors of Hampton Court singing, "I'm Merlin, The Happy Pig!"
- Melchett recalls Blackadder's last drunken exploit
"Oh, that's another good idea. You're so clever today, you better be careful your foot doesn't fall off."
"Does that happen when you have lots of brilliant ideas? Your foot falls off?"
"It certainly does. My brother; he had this brilliant idea of cutting his toenails with a scythe, and >his< foot fell off..."
- Nursie & Queenie
Queen: [smiles, a bit turned on] Oh, Edmund... I do love it when you get cross. Sometimes I think about having you executed just to see the expression on your face...
Monk: Great booze-up, Edmund! [farts, leaves]
Aunt: Do you know that man?
Edmund: [looks behind himself as though he didn't really see] No...
Aunt: He called you `Edmund'...
Edmund: Oh, know him...oh, yes, I do.
Aunt: Then can you explain what he meant by `great booze-up'?
Edmund: [thinks ... ... ... thinks ... ... ... thinks ... ... ... thinks ] Yes, I can... My friend...is...a missionary...and...on his last visit abroad...brought back with him...the chief of a famous tribe... His name is Great Bu... He's been suffering from sleeping sickness...and he has obviously just woken...because, as you heard, "Great Bu's up"...
Percy: Well done, Edmund...

"Edmund! Explain yourself!"
"I can't -- not just like that. I'm a complicated person, you see, Aunty... Sometimes I'm nice, and sometimes I'm nasty -- hee hee!...and sometimes I just like to sing little songs, like: "See the little goblin, see his little-- "

- Edmund is very *very* drunk
"I mean explain why you are wearing a cardinal's hat, why you are grinning inanely, and [sees the feather as Edmund turns around and falls to his knees, leaning against the chair to the side of the door] ...why you have an ostrich feather sticking out of your britches!"
"I'm wearing a cardinal's hat because I'm Cardinal Chunder; I have an ostrich feather up my bottom because Mr Ostrich put it there to keep in the little pixies -- hah hah! -- and I'm grinning inanely because I think I've just about succeeded in conning you and your daft husband out of a whopping great inheritance -- hee hee hee hee hee! "
- The conversation between Auntie & EB continues
CHAINS
Oh, God, God, God. What on Earth was I drinking last night? My head feels like there's a Frenchman living in it.

- EB wakes up after being hit over the head.
As private parts to the gods are we! They play with us for their sport!
- Melchett
EB is being held captive by an Italian torturer
E: Oh for God's sake! Look, how can you question me if you don't speak English?
T: No! *Yo* pregunto las questionnes!
E: Alright, let's start with the basics. English is a non-inflected Indo-European language derived from dialects of....
E: I accept nothing from a man who imprisons his guests in a commode.
L: I hope this scum has not inconweenienced you.
E: It takes more than a maniac trying to cut off my goolies to inconweenience *me*.
L: Good. If he had inconweenienced you, I was going to offer you his tongue.
E: Believe me, sir: if he had inconweeniened me, you would not have a tongue with which to make such an offer.
L: Let me assure you, Herr Blackadder: if I no longer had a tongue with which to make such an offer, you would no longer have a tongue with which to tell me that, if I had inconweenienced you, I would no longer have a tongue with which to offer you his tongue.

- EB & Ludwig try to outdo each other
Then choose your next witticism carefully, Herr Blackadder; it may be your last.
- Ludwig
"You find yourself amusing, Herr Blackadder ? "
"I try not to fly in the face of public opinion... "
- Ludwig and Edmund

[Ilander]

That was great, Dreamer...but what the heck is this? A play? A book? A TV show? A movie? What?

[Stratos]

You never seen Blackadder?

[RevRuby]

nope

[johnny]

Barbarians !

[Stratos]

It's a British comedy show. Here's a link to the official site of the show.

[ 03-29-2005, 11:50 AM: Message edited by: Stratos ]

[Iron Greasel]

I've never seen it either. Must be the fact that I don't live in britain. Sounds like something worth watching if I ever go there or if it ever gomes here.

[Calaethis Dragonsbane]

Blackadders great

[Aragorn1]

Blackadder, Blackadder, nothing goes to plan.
Blackadder, Blackadder, a most unfortunate man.

[img]smile.gif[/img]

[armageddon272]

I watched a video with a bunch of Blackadder episodes which is how I remember the Wise Woman scene quotes. That was great, maybe I ought to rent it again.