on the lighter side, chamber of laughter is back.....

[J.J.]

Originally posted by J.J.: This is one of the most out-there things I have gotten from my dedicated cadre of unrepentant jokesters and stainless steel cynics, inc. In the year 2032 A father and his son are walking the Manhattan streets when the father stops at a vacant lot takes a deep breath and tells his son: "To think that at one time here on this very lot stood the Twin Towers." The son looks at his father and asked: "Dad, what are the Twin Towers?" Father says: "My dear son, the Twin Towers were two tremedously tall buildings with lots of offices that was the heart of the United States, but approx 31 years ago, several Arabs destroyed the buildings." The boy then thought for a minute and then asked his father: "Daddy what are Arabs?"

my preference would be to replace Arab with the more correct and useful term, terrorist(s), but i will do my editing outside of the original


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Amanda's Dad

Official Pin-Up Girl Evaluator/Massager of the O.L.D. C.O.O.T.S. Clan
To Err is Human To Forgive Divine, However Neither is U.S. Marine Corps Policy.

[250]

Originally posted by J.J.: my preference would be to replace Arab with the more correct and useful term, terrorist(s), but i will do my editing outside of the original

it is OK, it is hilarious when you don't think about the actual people that are included by the term Arabs
well, it is a joke, and I am sure it wasn't malicous by intent

still funny... that is... DON'T think what Arabs actually meant...

[J.J.]

Marriage Definitions

BACHELOR:
1) A guy who has avoided the opportunity to make
some woman miserable.
2) A guy who is footloose and fiancee-free.
3) A man who never makes the same mistake once.
4) A nice guy who has cheated some nice girl out of
her alimony.
5) A person who believes in life, liberty, and the
happiness of pursuit.
6) The only man who has never told his wife a lie.
_
BRIDE:
A woman with a fine prospect
of happiness behind her.

CAD:
A man who doesn't tell his wife
that he's sterile until she's
pregnant.

COMPROMISE:
An amiable arrangement between husband and wife
whereby they agree to let her have her own way.

DIPLOMAT:
A man who can convince his wife she would look
fat in a fur coat.

GENTLEMAN:
1) A husband who steadies the stepladder so that
his wife will not fall while she paints the ceiling.
2) A man who, when his wife drops her knitting, kicks
it over to her so that she can easily pick it up.

HOUSEWORK:
What the wife does that nobody notices until she
doesn't do it.

HUSBAND:
1) A man who gives up
privileges he never
realized he had.
2) A person who is
the boss of his
house and has his
wife's permission
jgs to say so.
`
JOINT CHECKING ACCOUNT:
A handy little device which permits the wife to beat the
husband to the draw.

LOVE:
An obsessive delusion that is cured by marriage.

MISS:
A title with which we brand unmarried women to
indicate that they are in the market.

MISTRESS:
Something between a mister and a mattress.

MOTHER-IN-LAW:
A woman who destroys her son-in-law's peace
of mind by giving him a piece of hers.

MRS.:
A job title involving heavy duties, light earnings,
and no recognition.

SPOUSE:
Someone who will stand by you through
all the trouble you wouldn't have had
if you'd stayed single in the first
place.

WIFE:
A mate who is forever complaining
about not having anything to wear at the very same time that she complains
about not having enough room in the closet.

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Amanda's Dad

Official Pin-Up Girl Evaluator/Massager of the O.L.D. C.O.O.T.S. Clan
To Err is Human To Forgive Divine, However Neither is U.S. Marine Corps Policy.

[This message has been edited by J.J. (edited 10-09-2001).]

[J.J.]

A young businessman had just started his own firm. He'd rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques. Sitting there, he saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear busy, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working. He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments.

Finally, he hung up and asked the visitor, "Can I help you?"

The man said, "Sure. I've come to install the phone!"



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Amanda's Dad

Official Pin-Up Girl Evaluator/Massager of the O.L.D. C.O.O.T.S. Clan
To Err is Human To Forgive Divine, However Neither is U.S. Marine Corps Policy.

[J.J.]

At a computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated:
"If GM had kept up with the technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon.

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors should have issued a press release stating: "If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics: (PART II)

8. New seats would force everyone to have the same sized butt.

9. The airbag system would ask "are you SURE?" before deploying.

10. Occasionally, for no ! ! reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

11. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally Road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50% or more. Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by the Justice Dept.

12. Every time GM introduced a new car, car buyers would have to learn to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

13. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.

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Amanda's Dad

Official Pin-Up Girl Evaluator/Massager of the O.L.D. C.O.O.T.S. Clan
To Err is Human To Forgive Divine, However Neither is U.S. Marine Corps Policy.

[J.J.]

SO Sorry, got it in two parts, this should have been first


At a computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated:
"If GM had kept up with the technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon.

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors should have issued a press release stating: "If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics: (Part I)

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull over to the side of the road, close all of the car windows, shut it off, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5. Only one person at a time could use the car unless you bought "CarNT," but then you would have to buy more seats

6. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive- but would only run on five percent of the roads.

7. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "General Protection Fault" warning light.

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Amanda's Dad

Official Pin-Up Girl Evaluator/Massager of the O.L.D. C.O.O.T.S. Clan
To Err is Human To Forgive Divine, However Neither is U.S. Marine Corps Policy.

Three Chinese men die and are waiting at the gates of Heaven. Suddenly, God appears and tells each of them they must perform a task first, before being allowed entry. He tells the first Chinese man "Pick up that bag of rice, and you're in". So the man does, and gets into Heaven. God says to the second one "Pick up that sack of potatoes, and you can get in". So the Chinese man does, and gets into Heaven no problems. God then says to the remaining man, "Pick up this cow, and you can enter". So the Chinese man tries, and tries again, but the cow is too heavy. In the end, he gives up. God turns to him slowly, and says "You are the weakest Chink, goodbye"

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Formidable Flirty Fishy Sorcerer of the HADB

A horse walks into a bar.

The bartender says "hey, why the long face?"

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Say this out loud --for kids

Why is six afraid of seven?

7 8 9



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"I know that you believe you understand what you think I said, but I'm not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant."
-Robert McCloskey

[J.J.]

Arnold and his wife were cleaning out the attic one day when he came across a ticket from the local shoe repair shop. The date stamped on the ticket showed it was over eleven years old. They both laughed and tried to remember which of them might have forgotten to pick up a pair of shoes over a decade ago.

"Do you think the shoes will still be in the shop?" Arnold asked.

"Not very likely," his wife said.

"It's worth a try," Arnold said, pocketing the ticket.

He went downstairs, hopped into the car, and drove to the store. With a straight face, he handed the ticket to the man behind the counter. With a face just as straight, the man said, "Just a minute. I'll have to look for these." He disappeared into a dark corner at the back of the shop.

Two minutes later, the man called out, "Here they are!"

"No kidding?" Arnold called back. "That's terrific! Who would have thought they'd still be here after all this time."

The man came back to the counter, empty-handed.
"They'll be ready Thursday," he said calmly.



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Amanda's Dad

Official Pin-Up Girl Evaluator/Massager of the O.L.D. C.O.O.T.S. Clan
To Err is Human To Forgive Divine, However Neither is U.S. Marine Corps Policy.

[J.J.]

Sales Crap

An enthusiastic door-to-door vacuum salesman goes to the first house in his new territory. He knocks, a real mean and tough looking lady opens the door, and before she has a chance to say anything, he runs inside and dumps cow patties all over the carpet.

He says, "Lady, if this vacuum cleaner don't do wonders cleaning this up, I'll eat every chunk of it."

She turns to him with a smirk and says, "You want ketchup on that?"

The salesman says, "Why do you ask?"

She says, "We just moved in and we haven't got the electricity turned on yet."

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Amanda's Dad

Official Pin-Up Girl Evaluator/Massager of the O.L.D. C.O.O.T.S. Clan
To Err is Human To Forgive Divine, However Neither is U.S. Marine Corps Policy.