on the lighter side, chamber of laughter is back.....

[J.J.]

The Big Shot

A bigshot business man had to spend a couple of days in the hospital.

He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just
like he
did his employees. None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to
do
with him.

The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him. She walked
into
his room and announced, "I have to take your temperature."

After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed
his
arms and opened his mouth.

"No, I'm sorry, the nurse stated, "but for this reading, I can't use an
oral
thermometer."

This started another round of complaining, but eventually he rolled over
and
bared his behind.

After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce,
"I
have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!"

She leaves the door to his room open on her way out. He curses under his
breath as he hears people walking past his door, laughing. After almost
an
hour, the man's doctor comes into the
room.

"What's going on here?" asked the doctor.

Angrily, the man answers, "What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever seen
someone having their temperature taken before?"

After a pause, the doctor replies, "Yes, but never with a daffodil!"

[J.J.]

> Subject: UNIONS
>
>
> > A dedicated Teamsters Union worker was attending a convention in Las
Vegas
> > and, as you would expect, decided to check out the local brothels
nearby.
> >
> > When he got to the first one, he asked the Madam,
> >
> > "Is this a union house?"
> >
> > "No," she replied, "I'm sorry, it isn't."
> >
> > "Well, if I pay you $100.00, what cut do the girls get?"
> >
> > "The house gets $80.00 and the girls get 20.00."
> >
> > Mightily offended at such unfair dealings, the man stomped off down
the
> > street in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionized shop.
> >
> > His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the
Madam
> > responded, "Why, yes, sir, this IS a Union House."
> >
> > The man asked, "And if I pay you $100.00, what cut do the girls
get?"
> >
> > "The girls get $80.00 and the house gets $20."
> >
> > That's more like it!!!" the Teamster said. He handed the Madam
$100.00,
> > looked around the room and pointed to a stunningly attractive
blonde.
> >
> > "I'd like her for the night."
> >
> > "I'm sure you would, sir," said the Madam, then gesturing to an 85
year
> > old woman in the corner, "but Ethel here has seniority."
> >

[J.J.]

Miss Annie was in her eighties, and much admired for her sweetness and
kindness to all. The pastor came to call on her one afternoon early
in the spring, and she welcomed him into her Victorian parlor. She invited
him to have a seat while she prepared a little tea. As he sat facing her
old pump organ, the young minister noticed a cut glass bowl sitting on
top of it, filled with water. In the water floated, of all things...a
condom. Imagine his shock and surprise. Imagine his curiosity! Surely Miss Annie
had flipped or something...! But he certainly couldn't mention the strange
sight in her parlor. When she returned with tea and cookies,
they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of
water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him, and he
could resist no longer. "Miss Annie," he said, "I wonder if you would
tell me about this?" (pointing to the bowl). "Oh, yes," she replied,"
Isn't
it wonderful? I was walking downtown last fall and I found this
little package. The directions said to put it on the organ, keep it
wet,
and it would prevent disease. And you know... I haven't had a cold all winter."

[J.J.]

> > ** Call your Local Sheriff **
> >
> > It was early one morning when the Pastor heard a
> > noise outside his door. When he opened it, he found
> > a donkey standing outside, which immediately fell
> > over dead. Not exactly knowing what to do about the
> > situation, he called the local sheriff and told him about
> > what was laying before him.
> >
> > The sheriff couldn't resist jabbing at the Minister
> > and said, "Pastor, I thought the first duty of the
> > Minister was to bury the dead."
> >
> > Without hesitation, the Pastor said, "No the first
> > duty of the Minister is to notify the next of kin."
> >
> > Posted from Andy Chaps Funnies
> >

[J.J.]

>Bud and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as
airplane >mechanics in Atlanta. One day the airport was fogged in and they
> were >stuck >in the hangar with nothing to do. >Bud said, "Man, I wish we had something to drink!"
>Jim says, "Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and
get a>buzz. You wanna try it?" >So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane
hootch
and get completely smashed.
>The next morning Bud wakes up and is surprised at how good he
feels. In Fact
he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects. Nothing!

>Then the phone rings ... It's Jim. Jim says, "Hey, how do you
feel this>morning?" >Bud says, "I feel great. How about you?"
Jim says, "I feel great, too. You don't have a hangover?"
Bud says, "No, that jet fuel is great stuff -- no hangover,
nothing. We
> > > > >Ought to do this more often."
> > > > >"Yeah, well there's just one thing ..."
> > > > >"What's that?"
> > > > >"Have you farted yet?"
> > > > >"No ..."
> > > > >"Well, DON'T, 'cause I'm in PHOENIX!"

[J.J.]

A building contractor was being paid by the week for a job that was likely to stretch over several months. He approached the owner of the property and held up the check he'd been given. "This is two hundred dollars less than we agreed on," he said.

"I know," the owner said, "But last week I overpaid you two hundred dollars, and you never complained."

The contractor said, "Well, I don't mind an occasional mistake. But when it gets to be a habit, I feel I have to call it to your attention."

Quick Wit

"You have two choices in life: you can stay single and be miserable, or get married and wish you were dead."

[J.J.]

A Dieter's Psalm

Strict is my diet. I must not want.

It maketh me to lie down at night hungry.

It leadeth me past the confectioners.

It trieth my willpower.

It leadeth me in the paths of alteration for my figure's sake.

Yea, though I walk through the aisles of the pastry department, I will buy no sweet rolls for they are fattening.

The cakes and the pies, they tempt me.

Before me is a table set with green beans and lettuce.

I filleth my stomach with liquids, My day's quota runneth over.

Surely calorie and weight charts will follow me all the days of my life, And I will dwell in the fear of scales forever.

[J.J.]

A man traveling by plane was in urgent need of a restroom facility. But each time he tried, it was occupied. The flight attendant, aware of his predicament, suggested he use the attendant's ladies room, but cautioned him not to press any of the buttons.
There next to the paper roll were four buttons marked: WW WA PP ATR.
Making the mistake soooo many men make of not listening to a woman, he disregarded what she said then his curiosity got the best of him. He carefully pressed the WW button and immediately a gentle flush of Warm Water sprayed on his bare bottom. He
thought "Wow" these gals really have it nice!!
So a little more boldly he pressed the WA button and body temperature Warm Air blew across his wet bottom and dried it comfortably.
"Aha" he thought, "no wonder these women take so long in the bathroom with these kinds of services!"
So he pushed the next button PP with anticipation. A soft disposable Powder Puff swung below him and dusted his bottom lightly with talc.
"Man, this is great," he thought as he reach out for the ATR button. When he awoke in the hospital, the morphine was just wearing off...confused he buzzed the nurse to find out what happened. She explained the last thing he remembered was intense pain in the ladies room on the plane.
The nurse explained, "Yes, you must have been having a great time until you pushed
the Automatic Tampon Removal button."

[J.J.]

> > A BARNYARD TALE
> > A farmer goes out one day and buys a brand new stud rooster for his
> > chicken coop. The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and
says,
>"OK
> > old fart, time for you to retire." The old rooster replies, "Come
on,
> > surely you
> > cannot handle ALL of these chickens. Look what it has done to me.
Can't
>you
> > just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?"
> >
> > The young rooster says, "Beat it! You are washed up and I am taking
over."
> > The old rooster says, "I tell you what, young stud. I will race you
around
> > the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the
entire
> > chicken
> > coop."
> >
> > The young rooster laughs, "You know you don't stand a chance old
man, so
> > just to be fair I will give you a head start." The old rooster takes
off
> > running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running
after
> > him. They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young
rooster has
> > closed
> > the gap. He is already about 5 inches behind the old rooster and
gaining
> > fast.
> >
> > The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front
porch
>when
> > he sees the roosters running by. He grabs his shotgun and BOOM! He
blows
> > the young rooster to bits.The farmer sadly shakes his head and says,
> > "That's the...third gay rooster I bought this month!!!"

[J.J.]

>Dysfunctional letters to Dear Abby
Dear Abby, A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid-twenties. These two women go everywhere together and I've never seen a man go into their apartment or come out. Do you think they could be Lebanese?
> > > > >**********************************************
Dear Abby, What can I do about all the sex, nudity, language and violence on my VCR?
> > > > >**********************************************
Dear Abby, I have a man I never could trust. He cheats so much I'm not even sure this baby I'm carrying is his.
> > > > >**********************************************
Dear Abby, I am a twenty-three-year-old liberated woman who has been on the birth control pill for two years. It's getting expensive and I think my boyfriend should share half the cost, but I don't know him well enough to discuss money with him.
> > > > >*********************************************
Dear Abby, I suspected that my husband had been fooling around, and when I confronted him with the evidence he denied everything, and said
it would never happen again.
> > > > >*********************************************
Dear Abby, Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was raised in a Good Christian home turn against his own?
> > > > >*********************************************
Dear Abby, I joined the Navy to see the world. I've seen it.
Now, how do I get out?
> > > > >**********************************************

Dear Abby, My forty-year-old son has been paying a psychiatrist
$50 an hour every week for two-and a-half years. He must be crazy.
> > > > >**********************************************
Dear Abby, I was married to Harry for three months and I didn't know he drank until one night he came home sober.
> > > > >**********************************************
Dear Abby, Do you think it would be all right if I gave my
doctor a little gift? I tried for years to get pregnant and couldn't and he did it.
> > > > >**********************************************
Dear Abby, My mother is mean and short-tempered. I think she is
going through her mental pause.