on the lighter side, chamber of laughter is back.....

[J.J.]

Subject: Bumper Sticker

"IT'S GOD'S RESPONSIBILITY TO FORGIVE BIN LADEN...

IT'S OUR RESPONSIBILITY TO ARRANGE THE MEETING..!!

[J.J.]

Who Reads What and Why? Part II

6. The Boston Globe is read by people whose parents used to run the country, and they did a far superior job of it, thank you veddy much.

7. The New York Daily News is read by people who aren't too sure who's running the country, and don't really care, as long as they can get a seat on the train.

8. The New York Post is read by people who don't care who's running the country either, as long as they do something really scandalous, preferably while intoxicated.

9. The San Francisco Chronicle is read by people who aren't sure there is a country, or that anyone is running it; but whoever it is, they oppose all that they stand for. There are occasional exceptions if the leaders are handicapped, minority, feminist, atheist dwarfs, who also happen to be illegal aliens from any country or galaxy as long as they are democrats.

10. The Miami Herald is read by people who are running another country but need the baseball scores.

Quick Wit:

A CARD YOU WILL NEVER SEE IN HALLMARK

"Congratulations on your new bundle of joy. Did you ever find out who the father was?"

[J.J.]

Who Reads What and Why? Part I

1. The Wall Street Journal is read by people who run the country.

2. The New York Times is read by people who think they run the country.

3. The Washington Post is read by people who think they should run the country.

4. USA Today is read by people who think they ought to run the country but don't really understand the Washington Post. They do, however, like their smog statistics shown in pie charts.

5. The Los Angeles Times is read by people who wouldn't mind running the country, if they could spare the time, and if they didn't have to leave L.A. to do it.

Quick Wit:

"OLD" IS WHEN...

Getting a little "action" means I don't need to take any fiber today.

[J.J.]

MEN AND WOMEN COMPARED NICKNAMES:
If Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose go out for lunch, they
will call each other Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose. If Mike, Charlie, Bob and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy.

EATING OUT: When the bill arrives, Mike, Charlie, Bob and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back. When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY: A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item on sale that she doesn't
want.
BATHROOMS: A man has six items in his bathroom:
a toothbrush, comb, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

ARGUMENTS: A woman has the last word in any
argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of
a new argument.
CATS: Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.
FUTURE: A woman worries about the future until
she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future
until he gets a wife.
SUCCESS: A successful man is one who makes
more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is
one who can find such a man.
MARRIAGE: A woman marries a man expecting he
will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting
that she won't change and she does.
DRESSING UP: A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail. A man will dress up for weddings and funerals. NATURAL: Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING: Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: Any married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing...

[J.J.]

> >>>> A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he
> >>>> glanced up and saw a very beautiful woman boarding the plane.
> >>>> He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. Lo
and
behold, she took the seat right > > > > > > beside his. Eager to strike
up a
conversation, he
> >>>> blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?" She turned, smiled and
said,
> >>>> "Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniac Convention in
> >>>> Chicago"
> >>>>>>>>>
> >>>> He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever
seen
> >>>> sitting next to him and she was going to a meeting for
nymphomaniacs!
> >>>>>>>>>
> >>>> Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's
your
> >>>> business role at this convention?"
> >>>>>>>>>
> >>>> "Lecturer," she responded. "I use my experience to debunk some of
> >>>> the popular myths about sexuality."
> >>>>>>>>>
> >>>> "Really, " he said, "what myths are those?"
> >>>>>>>>>
> >>>> "Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that American men are
the
> >>>> most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian
who
> >>> > is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is
that
> >>> >French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of
Jewish
> >> > >descent.
> >>> >We have, however, found that the best potential lover in all
> >>> > categories is the Southern red neck."
> >>>>>>>>>
> >>>> Suddenly, the woman became a little uncomfortable and
> >> > >blushed. I'm sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be
discussing
this with
> >>> > you. I don't even know your name."
> >>>>>>>>>
> >>>>> "Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Goldstein. But my friends call me
> > > > >> > > > "Bubba."

[J.J.]

A blonde hurries into the emergency room late one night with the tip of
her index finger shot off. "How did this happen?" the emergency room
doctor asked her.

"Well, I was trying to commit suicide," the blonde replied.

"What?!" sputtered the doctor. "You tried to commit suicide by shooting
your finger off?"

"No silly!" the blonde said. "First I put the gun to my chest, and I
thought: I just paid $6,000.00 for these breast implants, I'm not
shooting myself in the chest."

"So then?" asked the doctor.

"Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought: I just paid $3000.00 to
get my teeth straightened, I'm not shooting myself in the mouth."

"So then?"

"Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: This is going to make a
loud noise. So I put my finger in the other ear before I pulled the
trigger!"

[J.J.]

>> Subject: Nativity
>>
>> The Supreme Court ruled that there cannot be a nativity
>> scene in Washington , D.C. this Christmas.
>> This isn't for any religious reason.
>> They simply have not been able to find three wise men
>> and a virgin in the Nation's capitol.
>> There was no problem however finding enough asses to
>> fill the stable

[J.J.]

A little old lady was going up and down the halls in a nursing home. As
she
walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say, "Supersex!
Supersex!"

She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping her gown at
him,
she again said, "Supersex!"

The old man sat silently for a moment or two looking up at her. Finally
he
answered, "I'll take the soup."

[J.J.]

And The Moral of the Story Is?


The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents
to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the
kids
came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

Ashley said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens.
One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat
of
the pickup when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs went
flying
and broke and made a mess."

"And what's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher.
"Don't put all your eggs in one basket!" said Ashley.

"Very good," said the teacher.

Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, "Our family are farmers too.
But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time,
but
when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to
this story is, "don't count your chickens before they're hatched."

That was a fine story Sarah," said the teacher. "Michael, do you have a
story to share?"

"Yes, ma'am, my daddy told me this story about my Uncle Charlie. Uncle
Charlie
was a flight engineer in Desert Storm and his plane got hit. He had to
bail
out over enemy territory and all he had was a bottle of whiskey, a
machine
gun and a machete. He drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't
break and then He landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. He
killed
seventy of them with the machine gun until he ran out of bullets. Then
he killed twenty more with the machete till the blade broke. And then he
killed the last ten with his bare hands.

"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "what kind of moral did your
daddy tell you from that horrible story?"

"Don't mess with Uncle Charlie when he's been drinking

[J.J.]

I've Learned

As I've Matured:

* I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is
stalk them and hope they panic and give in.

* I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just
assholes.

* I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and it only takes
suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.

* I've learned that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes.
After that, you'd better have a big willy or huge boobs.

* I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others - they are
more screwed up than you think.

* I've learned that you can keep vomiting long after you think you're
finished.

* I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are
celebrities.

* I've learned that 99% of the time when something isn't working in your
house, one of your kids did it

* I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from
you too soon and all the less important ones just never go
away.

* I've learned to say "F--- 'em if they can't take a joke" in 6
languages.