This could be the ones you're looking for

John D Harris · 07-02-2003, 11:49 PM

Subject: Thoughts??

(Some of these may "help" us get through the day!)

Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing
a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a
replacement.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
There are two kinds of pedestrians -- the quick and the dead.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Life is sexually transmitted.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, then who is the fool
who said, "Quit while you're ahead?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Get the last word in: Apologize.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach that person to use
the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Some people are like Slinkies . . . not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals
dying of nothing.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one
talks about seeing UFOs like they use to?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to
criticism.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a
substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is
weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to
realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole
box to start a campfire?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
AND THE # 1 THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: You read about all these
terrorists -- most of them came here legally, but they hung around on these
expired visas, some for as long as 10 -15 years. Now, compare that to Blockbuster; you are two days late with a video and those people are
all over you. Let's put Blockbuster in charge of immigration.

******************
You Live in California when...
1. You make over $250,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house.
2. The high school quarterback calls a time-out to answer his cell phone.
3. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
4. You know how to eat an artichoke.
5. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party.
6. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.

You Live in New York City when...
1. You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan.
2. You have never been to the Statue of Liberty or the Empire State Building.
3. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.
4. You think Central Park is "nature,"
5. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual.
6. You've worn out a car horn.
7. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.

You Live in Maine when...
1. You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco.
2. Halloween costumes fit over parkas.
3. You have more than one recipe for moose.
4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
5. The four seasons are: winter, still winter, almost winter, and construction.

You Live in the Deep South when...
1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
2."ya'll" is singular and "all ya'll" is plural.
3. After five years you still hear, "You ain't from 'round here, are Ya?"
4. "He needed killin' " is a valid defense.
5. Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Mary Sue, Betty Jean, etc.

You live in Colorado when.
1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home and he stops at the day care center.
3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.
4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.

You live in the Midwest when...
1. You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.
3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.
4. You end sentences with a preposition: "Where's my coat at?"
5. When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, "It was different!"

You live in Florida when..
1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.
2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind -- even houses and cars.
3. Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist.
4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
5. Cars in front of you are often driven by headless people

*************
A man from Texas, driving a Volkswagen Beetle, pulls up next to a
guy in a Rolls Royce with Nevada plates at a stop sign. Their
windows are open and he yells at the guy in the Rolls, "Hey, you got
a telephone in that Rolls?"

The guy in the Rolls says, "Yes, of course I do."

"I got one too... see?" the Texan says.

"Uh, huh, yes, that's very nice."

"You got a fax machine?" asks the Texan.

"Why, actually, yes, I do."

"I do too! See? It's right here!" brags the Texan.

The light is just about to turn green and the guy in the
Volkswagen says, "So, do you have a double bed in back there?"

The guy in the Rolls replies, "NO! Do you?"

"Yep, got my double bed right in back here, see?" the Texan replies.

The light turns and the man in the Volkswagen takes off.

Well, the guy in the Rolls is not about to be one-upped, so he
immediately goes to a customizing shop and orders them to put a
double bed in back of his car.

About two weeks later, the job is finally done. He picks up his car
and drives all over town looking for the Volkswagen beetle with the
Texas plates. Finally, he finds it parked alongside the road, so he
pulls his Rolls up next to it.

The windows on the Volkswagen are all fogged up and he feels
somewhat awkward about it, but he gets out of his newly modified
Rolls and taps on the foggy window of the Volkswagen. The man in the
Volkswagen finally opens the window a crack and peeks out.

The guy in the Rolls says, "Hey, remember me?"

"Yeah, yeah, I remember you," replies the Texan. "What's up?"

"Check this out... I got a double bed installed in my
Rolls."

The Texan exclaims, "YOU GOT ME OUT OF THE SHOWER TO TELL ME THAT?!"
**************
Work Ethic

For a couple years I've been blaming it on lack of sleep, not enough sunshine, too much pressure from my job, ear-wax build-up, poor blood or anything else I could think of. But now I found out the real reason:

I'm tired because I'm overworked!

Here's why:

The population of this country is 273 million. 140 million are retired.

That leaves 133 million to do the work.

There are 85 million in school, which leaves 48 million to do the work.

Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government, leaving 19 million to do the work.

2.8 million are in the armed forces preoccupied with killing the Taliban.

Which leaves 16.2 million to do the work.

Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for state and city governments And that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.

At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals, leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.

Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons. That leaves just two people to do the work.

You and me.

And there you are sitting on your rear end, at your computer, reading jokes.

Nice, real nice

Nanobyte · 07-03-2003, 01:26 AM

Great laughs, as always [img]graemlins/biglaugh.gif[/img]

Stormymystic · 07-03-2003, 01:56 AM

[img]graemlins/hehe.gif[/img] [img]graemlins/biglaugh.gif[/img] ..., cute, very cute

TheCrimsomBlade · 07-03-2003, 02:13 AM

My head hurts from laughing so hard! and it's all true HAA!HAA!HAA!HAA!HAA!HAA!HA! some people are like slinkies almost killed me, I fell over backward in my seat, and everyone in the room started laughing and then came over to see what I was so flipped about. They read it aloud and then everyone started laughing.
Well Done!

Stormymystic · 07-03-2003, 02:18 AM

with your permision, I would like to copy this, so my husband and friends can see it

Nanobyte · 07-03-2003, 02:22 AM

He's only forwarding them to us, so I'm sure he wouldn't mind.

Kakero · 07-03-2003, 02:29 AM

great! I understand a few of them. [img]smile.gif[/img]

Ar-Cunin · 07-03-2003, 07:33 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by TheCrimsomBlade:
My head hurts from laughing so hard! and it's all true HAA!HAA!HAA!HAA!HAA!HAA!HA! some people are like slinkies almost killed me, I fell over backward in my seat, and everyone in the room started laughing and then came over to see what I was so flipped about. They read it aloud and then everyone started laughing.
Well Done!

Yes - the slinky-joke was the best of the lot [img]graemlins/biglaugh.gif[/img]

07-02-2003, 11:49 PM	#1
John D Harris Ninja Storm Shadow Join Date: March 27, 2001 Location: Northport,Alabama, USA Age: 62 Posts: 3,577	Subject: Thoughts?? (Some of these may "help" us get through the day!) Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ There are two kinds of pedestrians -- the quick and the dead. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Life is sexually transmitted. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ If quitters never win, and winners never quit, then who is the fool who said, "Quit while you're ahead?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Get the last word in: Apologize. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach that person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Some people are like Slinkies . . . not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they use to? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ AND THE # 1 THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: You read about all these terrorists -- most of them came here legally, but they hung around on these expired visas, some for as long as 10 -15 years. Now, compare that to Blockbuster; you are two days late with a video and those people are all over you. Let's put Blockbuster in charge of immigration. **************** You Live in California when... 1. You make over $250,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house. 2. The high school quarterback calls a time-out to answer his cell phone. 3. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway. 4. You know how to eat an artichoke. 5. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party. 6. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is. You Live in New York City when... 1. You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan. 2. You have never been to the Statue of Liberty or the Empire State Building. 3. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map. 4. You think Central Park is "nature," 5. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual. 6. You've worn out a car horn. 7. You think eye contact is an act of aggression. You Live in Maine when... 1. You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco. 2. Halloween costumes fit over parkas. 3. You have more than one recipe for moose. 4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons. 5. The four seasons are: winter, still winter, almost winter, and construction. You Live in the Deep South when... 1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store. 2."ya'll" is singular and "all ya'll" is plural. 3. After five years you still hear, "You ain't from 'round here, are Ya?" 4. "He needed killin' " is a valid defense. 5. Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Mary Sue, Betty Jean, etc. You live in Colorado when. 1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car. 2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home and he stops at the day care center. 3. A pass does not involve a football or dating. 4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail. You live in the Midwest when... 1. You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name. 2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor. 3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day. 4. You end sentences with a preposition: "Where's my coat at?" 5. When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, "It was different!" You live in Florida when.. 1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon. 2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind -- even houses and cars. 3. Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist. 4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state. 5. Cars in front of you are often driven by headless people ********* A man from Texas, driving a Volkswagen Beetle, pulls up next to a guy in a Rolls Royce with Nevada plates at a stop sign. Their windows are open and he yells at the guy in the Rolls, "Hey, you got a telephone in that Rolls?" The guy in the Rolls says, "Yes, of course I do." "I got one too... see?" the Texan says. "Uh, huh, yes, that's very nice." "You got a fax machine?" asks the Texan. "Why, actually, yes, I do." "I do too! See? It's right here!" brags the Texan. The light is just about to turn green and the guy in the Volkswagen says, "So, do you have a double bed in back there?" The guy in the Rolls replies, "NO! Do you?" "Yep, got my double bed right in back here, see?" the Texan replies. The light turns and the man in the Volkswagen takes off. Well, the guy in the Rolls is not about to be one-upped, so he immediately goes to a customizing shop and orders them to put a double bed in back of his car. About two weeks later, the job is finally done. He picks up his car and drives all over town looking for the Volkswagen beetle with the Texas plates. Finally, he finds it parked alongside the road, so he pulls his Rolls up next to it. The windows on the Volkswagen are all fogged up and he feels somewhat awkward about it, but he gets out of his newly modified Rolls and taps on the foggy window of the Volkswagen. The man in the Volkswagen finally opens the window a crack and peeks out. The guy in the Rolls says, "Hey, remember me?" "Yeah, yeah, I remember you," replies the Texan. "What's up?" "Check this out... I got a double bed installed in my Rolls." The Texan exclaims, "YOU GOT ME OUT OF THE SHOWER TO TELL ME THAT?!" ************ Work Ethic For a couple years I've been blaming it on lack of sleep, not enough sunshine, too much pressure from my job, ear-wax build-up, poor blood or anything else I could think of. But now I found out the real reason: I'm tired because I'm overworked! Here's why: The population of this country is 273 million. 140 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the work. There are 85 million in school, which leaves 48 million to do the work. Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government, leaving 19 million to do the work. 2.8 million are in the armed forces preoccupied with killing the Taliban. Which leaves 16.2 million to do the work. Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for state and city governments And that leaves 1.4 million to do the work. At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals, leaving 1,212,000 to do the work. Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons. That leaves just two people to do the work. You and me. And there you are sitting on your rear end, at your computer, reading jokes. Nice, real nice __________________ Crustiest of the OLD COOTS "Donating mirrors for years to help the Liberal/Socialist find their collective rear-ends, because both hands doesn't seem to be working. Veitnam 61-65:KIA 1864 66:KIA 5008 67:KIA 9378 68:KIA 14594 69:KIA 9414 70:KIA 4221 71:KIA 1380 72:KIA 300 Afghanistan2001-2008 KIA 585 2009-2012 KIA 1465 and counting Davros 1 Much abliged Massachusetts

07-03-2003, 01:56 AM	#3
Stormymystic Knight of the Rose Join Date: April 8, 2003 Location: Arkansas Age: 48 Posts: 4,442	[img]graemlins/hehe.gif[/img] [img]graemlins/biglaugh.gif[/img] ..., cute, very cute __________________ [url]\"http://stormymystic.deviantart.com/gallery/\" target=\"_blank\"> [img]\"http://img92.imageshack.us/img92/3968/stormyvx6.jpg\" alt=\" - \" /></a>

07-03-2003, 02:13 AM	#4
TheCrimsomBlade Lord Ao Join Date: August 25, 2001 Location: Winchester ,Virginia , United States Age: 71 Posts: 2,081	My head hurts from laughing so hard! and it's all true HAA!HAA!HAA!HAA!HAA!HAA!HA! some people are like slinkies almost killed me, I fell over backward in my seat, and everyone in the room started laughing and then came over to see what I was so flipped about. They read it aloud and then everyone started laughing. Well Done! __________________ Remember these are just games so don't get too upset when you get your ass handed to you in a hat box

07-03-2003, 02:18 AM	#5
Stormymystic Knight of the Rose Join Date: April 8, 2003 Location: Arkansas Age: 48 Posts: 4,442	with your permision, I would like to copy this, so my husband and friends can see it __________________ [url]\"http://stormymystic.deviantart.com/gallery/\" target=\"_blank\"> [img]\"http://img92.imageshack.us/img92/3968/stormyvx6.jpg\" alt=\" - \" /></a>

07-03-2003, 01:26 AM	#2
Nanobyte Thoth - Egyptian God of Wisdom Join Date: March 1, 2001 Location: NC Age: 38 Posts: 2,890	Great laughs, as always [img]graemlins/biglaugh.gif[/img]

07-03-2003, 02:22 AM	#6
Nanobyte Thoth - Egyptian God of Wisdom Join Date: March 1, 2001 Location: NC Age: 38 Posts: 2,890	He's only forwarding them to us, so I'm sure he wouldn't mind.

07-03-2003, 02:29 AM	#7
Kakero 40th Level Warrior Join Date: March 24, 2002 Posts: 10,215	great! I understand a few of them. [img]smile.gif[/img]

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