on the lighter side, chamber of laughter is back.....

[J.J.]

. There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it.
For
example, I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.

2. When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog
that
barks all the time run to the end of his chain and gag himself.

3. If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

4. A penny saved is a government oversight.

5. The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your
body and your fat are really good friends.

6. The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a
replacement.

7. He who hesitates is probably right.

8. If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.

9. The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's
really
in trouble.

10. How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're
on.

11. If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy?

12. Most of us go to our grave with our music still inside of us.

13. If Wal-Mart is lowering prices every day, how come nothing is free yet?

14. You may be only one person in the world, but you may also be the world
to
one person.

15. Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.

16. Don't cry because it's over: smile because it happened.

17. We could learn a lot from crayons: some are sharp, some are pretty, some
are dull, some have weird names, and all are different colors.......but they
all
have to learn to live in the same box.

18. Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler.

19. A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.

20. Happiness comes through doors you didn't even know you left open.

21. Once over the hill, you pick up speed.

22. I love cooking with wine. Sometimes I even put it in the food.

23. If not for STRESS I’d have no energy at all.

24. Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.

25. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.

26. I know God won't give me more than I can handle. I just wish He didn't
trust me so much.

27. You don't stop laughing because you grow old. You grow old because you
stop laughing.

28. Dogs have owners. Cats have staff.

29. We cannot change the direction of the wind... but we can adjust our
sails.

30. If the shoe fits......buy it in every color (YES!)

31. Have an awesome day, and know that someone has thought about you today!

[J.J.]

GENDER NOUNS From the Washington Post Style Invitation, in which it
was postulated that English should have male and female nouns, and
readers were asked to assign a gender to nouns of their choice and
explain their reason. The best submissions:

SWISS ARMY KNIFE -- male, because even though it appears useful for a
wide variety of work, it spends most of its time just opening bottles.

KIDNEYS -- female, because they always go to the bathroom in pairs.

PENLIGHT -- male, because it can be turned on very easily, but isn't
very bright.

TIRE -- male, because it goes bald and often is over-inflated.

HOT AIR BALLOON -- male, because to get it to go anywhere you have to
light a fire under it...and, of course, there's the hot air part.

SPONGES -- female, because they are soft and squeezable and retain
water.

WEB PAGE -- female, because it is always getting hit on.

SHOE -- male, because it is usually unpolished, with its tongue
hanging out.

COPIER -- female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm
up, because it is an effective reproductive device when the right
buttons are pushed, and because it can wreak havoc when the wrong
buttons are pushed.

ZIPLOC BAGS -- male, because they hold everything in, but you can
always see right through them.

SUBWAY -- male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.

HOURGLASS -- female, because over time, the weight shifts to the
bottom.

HAMMER -- male, because it hasn't evolved much over the last 5,000
years, but it's handy to have around and is good for killing bugs.

[J.J.]

> Bad Day at Work
>
> Next time you have a bad day at work...think of this guy.
>
> Rob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in
> Louisiana. He performs underwater repairs on offshore
> drilling rigs. Below is an E-mail he sent to his sister. She then sent
> it to Laughline, who was sponsoring a worst job experience" contest.
> Needless to say, she won.
>
>
>
> Hi Sue,
>
> Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother. Last week I had a
bad
> day at the office. I know you've been feeling down lately at work, so
I
> thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it's not
so
> bad after all.
>
> Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with
a
> few technicalities of my job. As you know, my office lies at the
bottom of
the
> sea. I wear a suit to the office. It's a wetsuit. This time of year
the
> water is quite cool. So what we do to keep warm is this: We have a
diesel
> powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of shit sucks the
> water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temperature. It then
pumps
> it
> down to the diver through a garden hose, which is taped to the air
hose.
>
> Now this sounds like a damn good plan, and I've used it several times
with
no
> complaints.
>
> What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is I take the
hose
> and stuff it down the back of my wetsuit. This floods my whole suit
with
> warm water. It's like working in a Jacuzzi.
>
> Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my ass started to
itch.
> So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse. Within a
few
> seconds my ass started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my back,
but
> the damage was done. In agony I realized what had happened. The hot
water
> machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit. Now
since I
> don't have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn't stick to it.
> However, the crack of my ass was not as fortunate. When I scratched
what I
> thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into my
ass.
>
> I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator.
His
> instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with 5 other
> divers, were all laughing hysterically.
>
> Needless to say I aborted the dive. I was instructed to make 3
agonizing
> in-water decompression stops totaling 35 minutes before I could reach
the
> surface to begin my chamber dry decompression. When I arrived at the
surface,
> I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet. As I climbed out of the
water,
> the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a
tube
> of cream and told me to rub it on my ass as soon as I get in the
chamber.
> The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't shit for 2 days because my
> asshole was swollen shut.
>
> So, next time you're having a bad day at work, think about how much
worse
> it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your ass!
>

[fable]

How Many Members of Your Sun Sign
Does It Take to Change a Lightbulb?

ARIES: Just one. Wanna make something of it?

TAURUS: Well, I prefer natural light if at all possible. Are you absolutely positive that lightbulb is burned out? I hate to throw it away if it still might be useful.

GEMINI: Probably one is best, because if there are more than one, they'll get so wrapped up in talking to each other that they'll forget all about the lightbulb.

CANCER: Only one, but three therapists will be needed to help with the grieving process.

LEO: Leos do not change their own lightbulbs. They find someone else to do it for them.

VIRGO: 1.11111119873, give or take .00000000000013%.

LIBRA: Well, I could do it, unless of course you'd prefer to do it, but you look sort of busy right now. What do you want to do?

SCORPIO: One, from across the room, if they've learned their teleporting lessons well enough.

SAGITTARIUS: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got the rest of our lives ahead of us and you're worrying about a stupid light bulb?

CAPRICORN: I don't have time for these foolish jokes.

AQUARIUS: Well, you see, energy is really matter and matter is really energy and light is a form of energy but the light bulb is matter, and--

PISCES: What light bulb?

[ 01-10-2002: Message edited by: fable ]

[J.J.]

Wisdom of the Grape?

A saleswoman is driving toward home in North Western Montana, when she sees a Native American Indian Maiden thumbing for a ride on the side of the
road. <?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com [img]redface.gif[/img] ffice [img]redface.gif[/img] ffice" />

As the trip had been long and quiet, she stops the car and the Indian Maiden gets in. After a bit of small talk, the Indian Maiden notices a brown bag on the front seat. "What's in the bag?", asks the Indian Maiden.
"It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband," says the
saleswoman. The Indian Maiden is silent for a moment then says, "Good trade."

[J.J.]

Subject: Women...... I don't understand them


A man in his back yard is trying to fly a kite. He throws the kite
up in the air, the wind catches it for a few seconds then it
comes crashing back down. He tries this a few more times all
the while his wife is watching from the kitchen window. Muttering
to herself how men need to be told how to do everything she
opens the window and yells to her husband, "You need more tail."
The man turns with a confused look on his face and says, "Make
up your mind. Last night you told me to go fly a kite!

[J.J.]

> Dear Tech Support:
> Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a
> slow down in the performance of flower and jewelry applications that had
> operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0 In addition, Husband 1.0
> un-installed many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.9, but
> installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0 and NBA 3.0.
> Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the
> system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no
> avail. What can I do?
> Desperate
>
> ***************************
> Dear Desperate,
> First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an entertainment package, while
> Husband 1.0 is an operating system. Try to enter the command: C:/I
> THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME and install Tears 6.2. Husband 1.0 should then
> automatically run the applications: Guilty 3.0 and Flowers 7.0. But
>remember, overuse can cause Husband 1.0 to default
> to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1 is a very
>bad program that will create SnoringLoudly.WAV
> files.
> DO NOT install Mother-In-Law 1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend program.
> These are not supported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.
> In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have a limited
> memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider
> buying additional software to improve performance. I personally
> recommend
> Hot Food 3.0 and Lingerie 6.9.
> Good Luck,
> Tech Support

[J.J.]

> THE ALGORE VIRUS:
> Causes your computer to just keep counting and
> counting.
>
> THE CLINTON VIRUS:
> Gives you a 7-Inch Hard Drive with NO memory.
>
> THE BOB DOLE VIRUS (as the VIAGRA VIRUS):
>
> Makes a new hard drive out of and old floppy.
>
> THE LEWINSKY VIRUS:
> Sucks all the memory out of your computer, then
> emails everyone about what it did.
>
> THE JESSE JACKSON TROJAN:
> Generates a new file while claiming to clean the
> Clinton Virus, then hides for 18 months.
>
> THE RONALD REAGAN VIRUS:
> Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored.
>
> THE MIKE TYSON VIRUS:
> Quits after two bytes.
>
> THE OPRAH WINFREY VIRUS:
> Your 300mb hard drive shrinks to 100mb, then slowly
> expands to restabilize around 200mb.
>
> THE JACK KEVORKIAN VIRUS:
> Deletes all old files.
>
> THE ELLEN DEGENERES VIRUS:
> Rejects the insertion of any disks.
>
> THE PROZAC VIRUS:
> Totally screws up your RAM, but your processor
> doesn't care.
>
> THE JOEY BUTTAFUOCO VIRUS:
> Only attacks minor files.
>
> THE ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER VIRUS:
> Terminates some files, leaves, but will be back.
>
> ...and ...
>
> THE LORENA BOBBITT VIRUS:
> Reformats your hard drive into a 3.5 inch floppy,
> then discards it through Windows.

[J.J.]

One day The Lord spoke to Adam. "I've got some good news and some bad
news,"
The Lord said. Adam looked at The Lord and replied, "Well, give me the
good
news first. "Smiling, The Lord explained, "I've got two new organs for
you,
one is called a brain. It will allow you to create new things, solve
problems, and have intelligent conversations with Eve. The other organ I
have
for you is called a penis. It will give you great physical pleasure and
allow
you to reproduce your now intelligent life form and populate this
planet. Eve
will be very happy that you now have this organ to give her children.
"Adam,
very excited, exclaimed, "These are great gifts you have given to me.
What
could possibly be bad news after such great Lord looked upon Adam and
said
with great sorrow, "You will never be able to use these two gifts at the
same
time."

[Downunda]

Here's a few from the best mag in the whole world, FHM -

A group of senior citizens are sitting around a rumpus room talking about their ailments. "My arms are so weak I can hardly hold this cup of coffee,"says one old man. "Yes, I know. My cataracts are so bad, I can't even see my cup of tea," replies another. "I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck,"says a third, to which several others nod weakly in agreement. "My blood pressure pills make me dizzy," claims another.
I guess that's the price we pay for getting old," winces an old woman as she shakes her head. "Well, it's not that bad," says another woman. "At least we can still drive."