Funnies

[ʆë®Ñï†Ý]

I keep getting sent these funnies *grynz* so I thought I'd share some with you guys. Sorry if you've already had them ~wry grin~

The Euro Language

The European Commission has just announced an agreement
whereby English will be the official language of the EU
rather than German which was the other possibility. As part
of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that
English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted
a 5 year phase-in plan that would be known as "Euro-English".

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly,
this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c"
will be dropped in favour of the"k". This should klear up
konfusion and keyboards kan have 1 less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year,
when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This
will make words like "fotograf" 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be
ekspekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes
are possible. Governments will enkorage the removal of double
letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.
Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent "e"s in
the language is disgraseful, and they should go away.

By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as
replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v". During ze fifz year,
ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and
similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of
leters.

After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer
vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi
to understand ech ozer. Ze drem vil finali kum tru! And zen
ve vil tak over ze world!

[ʆë®Ñï†Ý]

Tech Support!


Dear Tech Support:

I am desperate for some help. I recently upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0
to Wife 1.0 and found that the new program began running unexpected
child processes and also took up a lot of space and valuable
resources.

This wasn't mentioned in the product brochure. In addition Wife 1.0
installs itself into all other programs and launches during system
initialisation where it monitors all other system activity.

Applications such as Boys Night Out 2.5, and Golf 5.3 no longer run.
Also, the system crashes whenever I attempt to run Flirt 6. I cannot
seem to keep Wife 1.0 as a background task whilst attempting to run
any of my favourite applications.

I was wondering about going back to Girlfriend 7.0 but have been told
that uninstalling Wife 1.0 is a lengthy process requiring specialist
professional assistance. Please help.

Joe

[ʆë®Ñï†Ý]

Chinese Torture

A young man was wandering, lost, in a forest when he came
upon a small house. Knocking on the door he was greeted
by an ancient Chinese man with a long, grey beard.
“I’m lost,” said the man. “Can you put me up for the night?”
“Certainly,” the Chinese man said, “but on one condition.
If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter I will inflict
upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man.”

“OK,” said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty
old as well, and entered the house. Before dinner the daughter
came down the stairs. She was young, beautiful and had a
fantastic figure. She was obviously attracted to the young man
as she couldn’t keep her eyes off him during the meal.
Remembering the old man’s warning he ignored her and went up to
bed alone.
But during the night he could bear it no longer and sneaked into
her room for a night of passion. He was careful to keep everything
quiet so the old man wouldn’t hear and, near dawn, he crept back to
his room, exhausted but happy.

He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a
large rock on his chest with a note on it that read,


“Chinese Torture

1: Large rock on chest.”

“Well, that’s pretty crappy,” he thought.
“If that’s the best the
old man can do then I don’t have much to worry about.”

He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw the
boulder out. As he did so he noticed another note on it that read

“Chinese Torture

2: Rock tied to left testicle.”

In a panic he glanced down and saw the rope that was already getting
close to taut.

Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration, he
jumped out of the window after the boulder. As he plummeted
downward
he saw a large sign on the ground that read,

“Chinese Torture

3: Right testicle tied to bedpost.”

[ʆë®Ñï†Ý]

*makes a face* would you believe a gurlie sent this to me?!!! ~outraged look~

Male chauvinist Funnies:


How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.

-------------------------------------------
Why is a Laundrette a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably
never be able to support you.

-------------------------------------------

How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me.

-------------------------------------------

How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.

-------------------------------------------

Why do men fart more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.

-------------------------------------------

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the
front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

------------------------------------------
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman that won't do what she's told.

-------------------------------------------

I married Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.

-------------------------------------------

I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months:
I don't like to interrupt her.

--------------------------------------------

What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence?
Divorced.

--------------------------------------------

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by
90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.

---------------------------------------------

Marriage is a 3-ring circus:
Engagement Ring, Wedding Ring, Suffering.

---------------------------------------------

In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

---------------------------------------------

A beggar walked up to a well-dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and
said, "I haven't eaten anything for days."
She looked at him and said, "Gosh, I wish I had your willpower."

---------------------------------------------

Young Son: "Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man
doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"
Dad: That happens in every country, son.

---------------------------------------------

A man inserted an advertisement in the classified: Wife Wanted."
The next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing:
"You can have mine."

----------------------------------------

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it
once.

----------------------------------------------

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with
a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful.


(~gglz~ the last one's more like it )

[ʆë®Ñï†Ý]

Why English is the hardest language to learn


1, The bandage was wound around the wound.

2, The farm was used to produce produce.

3, The dump was so full it had to refuse more refuse.

4, There is no time like the present, so he thought he would present
the present.

5, When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

6, He did not object to the object.

7, The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

8,The oarsmen had a row about how to row.

9, he was too close to the door to close it.

10, A stag does strange things when the does are present.

11, After a number of injections my jaw became number.

12, The artist saw a tear in his painting and shed a tear.

13,She had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

14, An army chef decided to desert his dessert in the desert.

There are no eggs in an eggplant, no apple or pine in pineapple.

Quicksand works slowly.
Boxing rings are square.
Guinea pigs are neither from Guinea or are pigs.
Writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers
don't ham.
If a vegetarian eats veg, what does an humanitarian eat?
A slim chance and a fat chance are similar.
So are quite a lot and quite a few.
But overlook and oversee are very different.
You fill in a form to fill it out.
An alarm goes off by going on.
when the stars are out, you see their light but when the lights are
out you see nothing.

[ʆë®Ñï†Ý]

~grynz~ I agree with the last one ~noddz~


The Facts Of Life:


Love is grand, divorce is a hundred grand.

I am in shape. Round is a shape.

Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.

Never be afraid to try something new. Remember,
amateurs built the ark. Professionals built the Titanic.

Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels
so good.

Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.

Even if you are on the right track, you'll get
run over if you just sit there.

Politicians and nappies have one thing in common.
They should both be changed regularly and for the same reason.

An optimist thinks that this is the best possible world.
A pessimist fears that this is true.

There will always be death and taxes;
however, death doesn't get worse every year.

In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.

I am a nutritional overachiever.

I am having an out of money experience.

I plan on living forever. So far, so good.

A day without sunshine is like night.

It's frustrating when you know all the answers,
but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.

The real art of conversation is not only to
say the right thing at the right time,
but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at
the tempting moment.

Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells
live forever.

Age doesn't always bring wisdom. Sometimes age
comes alone.

Life not only begins at forty, it also begins to show.

And this one is the real truth, so pay attention:

You don't stop laughing because you grow old,
you grow old because you stopped laughing.

[J'aran]

LOL! Why, oh why would that first one remind me of 'Allo 'Allo?

[Jorath Calar]

quote:

---

A day without sunshine is like night.

---

LOL I remember that Steve Martin skit... [img]smile.gif[/img]

Post more Eternity! [img]smile.gif[/img]

[Galadria]

LOL @ Eternity. We have a saying here in Texas, "You have three chances: fat, slim, and no."

[Morgeruat]

LOL, those are great