Excuses for not going to work...

Arvon · 11-05-2001, 10:41 AM

If it is all the same to you I won't be coming in to work. The voices told me to clean all the guns today.

I have a rare case of 48-hour projectile leprosy, but I know we have that deadline to meet...

Constipation has made me a walking time bomb.

When I got up this morning I took two Ex-Lax in addition to my Prozac. I can't get off the john, but I feel good about it.

I set half the clocks in my house ahead an hour and the other half back an hour Saturday and spent 18 hours in some kind of space-time continuum loop, reliving Sunday (right up until the explosion). I was able to exit the loop only by reversing the polarity of the power source exactly e*log(pi) clocks in the house while simultaneously rapping my dog on the snout with a rolled up Times. Accordingly, I will be in late, or early.

My stigmata's acting up.

I can't come in to work today because I'll be stalking my previous boss, who fired me for not showing up for work. OK?

I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at the Food Giant.

Yes, I seem to have contracted some attention-deficit disorder and, hey, how about them Skins, huh? So, I won't be able to, yes, could I help you? No, no, I'll be sticking with Sprint, but thank you for calling.

I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I shouldn't come to work knowing my employee records may now contain false information.

The psychiatrist said it was an excellent session. He even gave me this jaw restraint so I won't bite things when I am startled.

The dog ate my car keys. We're going to hitchhike to the vet.

I prefer to remain an enigma.

My step other has come back as one of the Undead and we must track her to her coffin to drive a stake through her heart and give her eternal peace. One day should do it.

I can't come to work today because the EPA has determined that my house is completely surrounded by wetlands and I have to arrange for helicopter transportation.

I am converting my calendar from Julian to Gregorian.

I am extremely sensitive to a rise in the interest rates.

I refuse to travel to my job in the District until there is a commuter tax. I insist on paying my fair share.

I've used up all my sick days...so I'm calling in dead!

Talthyr Malkaviel · 11-05-2001, 12:21 PM

Ha ha ha lol [img]smile.gif[/img] I just knew as soon as I saw the name Arvon that it was going to be a joke.
Where do you keep getting all these funny things from?????

MILAMBER · 11-05-2001, 12:47 PM

Great post!! I love the time loop one.

jabidas · 11-05-2001, 05:03 PM

Hee hee i liked this post a lot, hee.......hee. Ill have to kill you all now, just so you know, hee hee.

The.Relic · 11-05-2001, 06:02 PM

Ya know, you really shouldn't give people ideas that get their imaginations going [img]smile.gif[/img]
After I read this the first thing that popped into my head was;
"What do you mean I didn't show up for work yesterday. I was sitting right here at my desk working my rear end off. I even closed several very important accounts. Or maybe I just slept all day and dreamed that I was at work".

Debaser · 11-05-2001, 07:21 PM

quote:
Originally posted by Arvon:
I set half the clocks in my house ahead an hour and the other half back an hour Saturday and spent 18 hours in some kind of space-time continuum loop, reliving Sunday (right up until the explosion). I was able to exit the loop only by reversing the polarity of the power source exactly e*log(pi) clocks in the house while simultaneously rapping my dog on the snout with a rolled up Times. Accordingly, I will be in late, or early.

Wow!! I thought I was the only one who had ever used that excuse! Go figure

Ladyzekke · 11-05-2001, 07:44 PM

I remember a looong time ago I worked at this office, and there was this guy that worked there, named "Darby". He played bass guitar in a band on the side. He called in absent from work more than any human on this earth LOL. Would, though, get all his previous "excuses" mixed up at times. I know, cause I used to answer the phones then, so I was the one who took his calls and relayed them to his boss. One he used frequently LOL, was:

*I have had a terrible morning. Went outside in the freezing cold winter to get the morning paper, and the door closed behind me, and I could not get back inside my house. Just wrapped in a towel! Neighbors took me in after I kept knocking at their door. Had to call a locksmith but I don't have much money to pay for one. So I have a friend I know who can do it, will show up at my house he says around 2:00 or 3:00pm, so most likely, I won't be in today. Man this sucks!* [img]tongue.gif[/img]

Got lots of laughs from that guy..

[ 11-05-2001: Message edited by: ladyzekke ]

Gaelic · 11-05-2001, 08:51 PM

"The doctor gave me some new medications yesterday. Unfortunately, one causes diahrea and the other causes a cough. It's a heck of a mess."

Arvon · 11-05-2001, 09:21 PM

quote:
Originally posted by Gaelic:
"The doctor gave me some new medications yesterday. Unfortunately, one causes diahrea and the other causes a cough. It's a heck of a mess."

This one really goes with my sense of humor...good one!!

Lifetime · 11-06-2001, 12:57 AM

I Prefer to Remain an Enigma!
hahahahahhah!

11-05-2001, 10:41 AM	#1
Arvon Unicorn Join Date: October 4, 2001 Location: Kingdom of the West,..P.o. Cynagus Posts: 4,212	If it is all the same to you I won't be coming in to work. The voices told me to clean all the guns today. I have a rare case of 48-hour projectile leprosy, but I know we have that deadline to meet... Constipation has made me a walking time bomb. When I got up this morning I took two Ex-Lax in addition to my Prozac. I can't get off the john, but I feel good about it. I set half the clocks in my house ahead an hour and the other half back an hour Saturday and spent 18 hours in some kind of space-time continuum loop, reliving Sunday (right up until the explosion). I was able to exit the loop only by reversing the polarity of the power source exactly e*log(pi) clocks in the house while simultaneously rapping my dog on the snout with a rolled up Times. Accordingly, I will be in late, or early. My stigmata's acting up. I can't come in to work today because I'll be stalking my previous boss, who fired me for not showing up for work. OK? I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at the Food Giant. Yes, I seem to have contracted some attention-deficit disorder and, hey, how about them Skins, huh? So, I won't be able to, yes, could I help you? No, no, I'll be sticking with Sprint, but thank you for calling. I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I shouldn't come to work knowing my employee records may now contain false information. The psychiatrist said it was an excellent session. He even gave me this jaw restraint so I won't bite things when I am startled. The dog ate my car keys. We're going to hitchhike to the vet. I prefer to remain an enigma. My step other has come back as one of the Undead and we must track her to her coffin to drive a stake through her heart and give her eternal peace. One day should do it. I can't come to work today because the EPA has determined that my house is completely surrounded by wetlands and I have to arrange for helicopter transportation. I am converting my calendar from Julian to Gregorian. I am extremely sensitive to a rise in the interest rates. I refuse to travel to my job in the District until there is a commuter tax. I insist on paying my fair share. I've used up all my sick days...so I'm calling in dead! __________________ 53.7% of all statistics are made up

11-05-2001, 12:21 PM	#2
Talthyr Malkaviel Ma'at - Goddess of Truth & Justice Join Date: August 31, 2001 Location: Land of the Britons Age: 37 Posts: 3,224	Ha ha ha lol [img]smile.gif[/img] I just knew as soon as I saw the name Arvon that it was going to be a joke. Where do you keep getting all these funny things from????? __________________ Resident cantankerous sorcerer of the Clan HADB<br />and Sorcerous Nuttella salesman of the O.R.T<br /> <br /><br />Say NO to the Trouser Tyranny! Can I drill you about this?

11-05-2001, 12:47 PM	#3
MILAMBER Lord Soth Join Date: March 5, 2001 Location: Southern California Posts: 1,948	Great post!! I love the time loop one. __________________ \"The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his.\"<br />-General George Patton (1885-1945)<br /> <br />Member of CLAN HADB<br />Founder of The Anti Clan Coalition

11-05-2001, 05:03 PM	#4
jabidas Silver Dragon Join Date: March 14, 2001 Location: Agharti. Mountains of Madness Posts: 1,673	Hee hee i liked this post a lot, hee.......hee. Ill have to kill you all now, just so you know, hee hee. __________________ <br /><br />Non Serviam.

11-05-2001, 07:21 PM	#6
Debaser Avatar Join Date: June 15, 2001 Location: Virginia, USA Age: 43 Posts: 543	quote: Originally posted by Arvon: I set half the clocks in my house ahead an hour and the other half back an hour Saturday and spent 18 hours in some kind of space-time continuum loop, reliving Sunday (right up until the explosion). I was able to exit the loop only by reversing the polarity of the power source exactly e*log(pi) clocks in the house while simultaneously rapping my dog on the snout with a rolled up Times. Accordingly, I will be in late, or early. Wow!! I thought I was the only one who had ever used that excuse! Go figure __________________ wHiTe MoOn\'S HoT...tHe OtHeR SiDe\'S NoT

11-05-2001, 06:02 PM	#5
The.Relic Red Dragon Join Date: March 1, 2001 Location: Long Beach, CA. USA Age: 67 Posts: 1,589	Ya know, you really shouldn't give people ideas that get their imaginations going [img]smile.gif[/img] After I read this the first thing that popped into my head was; "What do you mean I didn't show up for work yesterday. I was sitting right here at my desk working my rear end off. I even closed several very important accounts. Or maybe I just slept all day and dreamed that I was at work".

11-05-2001, 07:44 PM	#7
Ladyzekke Ironworks Atomic Moderator Join Date: January 7, 2001 Location: Virginia, U.S.A. Age: 57 Posts: 9,005	I remember a looong time ago I worked at this office, and there was this guy that worked there, named "Darby". He played bass guitar in a band on the side. He called in absent from work more than any human on this earth LOL. Would, though, get all his previous "excuses" mixed up at times. I know, cause I used to answer the phones then, so I was the one who took his calls and relayed them to his boss. One he used frequently LOL, was: I have had a terrible morning. Went outside in the freezing cold winter to get the morning paper, and the door closed behind me, and I could not get back inside my house. Just wrapped in a towel! Neighbors took me in after I kept knocking at their door. Had to call a locksmith but I don't have much money to pay for one. So I have a friend I know who can do it, will show up at my house he says around 2:00 or 3:00pm, so most likely, I won't be in today. Man this sucks! [img]tongue.gif[/img] Got lots of laughs from that guy.. [ 11-05-2001: Message edited by: ladyzekke ] __________________ Reality Show Recaps

11-05-2001, 08:51 PM	#8
Gaelic Elminster Join Date: April 28, 2001 Location: Virginia Beach, Virginia, USA Posts: 490	"The doctor gave me some new medications yesterday. Unfortunately, one causes diahrea and the other causes a cough. It's a heck of a mess." __________________ Gaelic

11-05-2001, 09:21 PM	#9
Arvon Unicorn Join Date: October 4, 2001 Location: Kingdom of the West,..P.o. Cynagus Posts: 4,212	quote: Originally posted by Gaelic: "The doctor gave me some new medications yesterday. Unfortunately, one causes diahrea and the other causes a cough. It's a heck of a mess." This one really goes with my sense of humor...good one!! __________________ 53.7% of all statistics are made up

11-06-2001, 12:57 AM	#10
Lifetime Red Dragon Join Date: March 3, 2001 Location: Scotch College, Melbourne Posts: 1,503	I Prefer to Remain an Enigma! hahahahahhah! __________________ \'Cause its always raining in my head. Forget all the things I should have said..

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