Driver Humor

[Charean]

Lisa was out driving her car and while stopped at a red light, the car just died. It was a busy intersection and the traffic behind her was starting to pile up. The guy in the car directly behind her was honking his horn continuously as Lisa continued to try getting the car to start up again.

Finally Lisa gets out of her car and approaches the guy in the car behind her. "I can't seem to get my car started," Lisa said, smiling. "Would you be a sweetheart and go and see if you can get it started for me. I'll stay here in your car and lean on your horn for you."
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When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told that the keys had been accidentally locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door.

As I watched from the passenger's side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered it was open. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "It's open!"

"I know," answered the young man. "I already got that side."
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A recent college graduate took a new job in a hilly Eastern city and began commuting each day to work through a tiring array of tunnels, bridges and traffic jams. To make the task less onerous, he invited several of his coworkers to share the ride. He soon found, however, that the commute continued to get more stressful, especially the trips through the tunnels. He consulted the company doctor.

"Doc," the frustrated commuter complained, "I'm fine on the bridges, in the traffic, in the day and at night, and even when Joe forgets to bathe all week long. But when I get in the tunnels and I've got those four other guys crowded around me in the car, I get anxious and dizzy and feel like I'm going to explode."

Without further analysis, the doctor announced he had identified the ailment.

"What is it, Doc? Am I going insane?"

"No, no, no, my boy. You have something very common in these parts."

"Tell me! What is it?"

"You have what is known as Carpool Tunnel Syndrome."
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A young man had just gotten his driver's permit and inquired of his father, an evangelist, if they could discuss the use of the car. His father took him to the study and said to the boy, "I'll make a deal with you, son. You bring your grades up from a C to a B- average, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut and we'll talk about the car."

Well, the boy thought about that for a moment and decided that he'd best settle for the offer, and they agreed.

After about six weeks the boy came back and again asked his father about the car. Again they went to the study where his father said, "Son, I've been real proud of you. You've brought your grades up, and I've observed that you've been studying your Bible and participating a lot more in the Bible study class on Sunday morning. But I'm real disappointed seeing as you haven't got your hair cut."

The young man paused a moment and then said, "You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Sampson had long hair, Moses had long hair, John the Baptizer had long hair, and there's even strong argument that Jesus Himself had long hair."

To which his father replied, "Perhaps, and they WALKED everywhere they went!"

[DJG]

Lol!

You should be Escape Forums Unoffical Joke Cracker!

Hilarious!

[Charean]

I believe the honor goes to JJ - but thank you!

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A rather posh lady is showing her small daughter around Rome in the back of a taxi. They pass a railway station and the daughter asks: "Mommy, what are all those ladies doing standing around in very short dresses?".

The mother realizes that she is referring to the prostitute day shift, but doesn't want to explain, so she says, "I expect they are waiting for their friends, or looking at the Roman architecture, dear".

The taxi driver flips back the partition and says: "Go on. Tell her they're prostitutes!".

"Mommy what are 'prostitutes'?"

With a sigh, Mother tells all.

The little girl is very interested:

"But mommy, don't they sometimes have babies?".

"Well yes dear, I'm afraid they do."

"But mommy, what happens to the babies?".

"Well dear, that's the interesting thing about it. Almost all of them become taxi-drivers".
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Top 10 Reasons Farm Trucks Are Never Stolen
This was found in Feb. 2000 issue of The Farmer-Stockman

10. They have a range of about 20 miles before they overheat, breakdown or run out of gas.

9. Only the owner knows how to operate the door to get in or out.

8. It is difficult to drive fast with all the fence tools, grease rags, ropes, chains,syringes, buckets, boots and loose papers in the cab.

7. It takes too long to start and the smoke coming up through the rusted-out floorboard clouds your vision.

6. The Border Collie on the toolbox looks mean.

5. They're too easy to spot. The description might go something like this: The driver's side door is red, the passenger side door is green, the right front fender is yellow, etc.

4. The large round bale in the back makes it hard to see if you're being chased. You could use the mirrors if they weren't cracked and covered with duct tape.

3. Top speed is only about 45 mph.

2. Who wants a truck that needs a year's worth of maintenance, u-joints, $3,000 in body work, tail-lights and windshield.

1. It is hard to commit a crime with everyone waving at you.

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When asked for her occupation, a woman charged with a traffic violation said she was a schoolteacher. The judge rose from the bench. "Madam, I have waited years for a schoolteacher to appear before this court," he smiled with delight. "Now sit down at that table and write: 'I will not pass through a red light' five hundred times!!"

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A police car pulled me over near the high school where I teach. As the officer asked for my license and registration, my students began to drive past. Some honked their horns, others hooted, and still others stopped to admonish me for speeding.

Finally the officer asked me if I was a teacher at the school, and I told him I was.

"I think you've paid your debt to society," he said with a smile, and left without giving me a ticket.

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Driving to town this morning on the Interstate, I looked over to my left and there was a woman in a brand new Mustang doing 65 miles per hour with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner! I looked away for a couple seconds and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane, still working on that dumb makeup!!!

It scared me so bad I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the donut out of my other hand. In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my cell phone away from my other ear which fell into the coffee between my legs and disconnected an important call!

WOMEN DRIVERS!

[edin gal]

Fantastic, you can certainly tell a good joke.

[Kaltia]

[img]graemlins/thumbsup.gif[/img] i think i cracked a rib on the WOMEN DRIVERS! one....