Blackadder Quotes

[Dreamer128]

Source: http://users.pandora.be/Black_Adder/quotes.htm


Blackadder: Baldrick, a chat with you and somehow death loses its sting.

Percy: I'm sorry I'm late.
Blackadder: No, don't bother apologizing. I'm sorry you're alive.

Baldrick: Lord Melchett is very sick. He's at death's door.
Blackadder: Well, let's go and open it for him.

Nursie: If you weren't quite so big, it'd be time for Mr. and Mrs. Spank to pay a short, sharp trip to Bottyland.

Baldrick: Don't worry, mister Blackadder .I have a cunning plan to solve the problem.
Blackadder: Yes, Baldrick, let us not forget that you tried to solve the problem of your mother's low ceiling by cutting off her head.

Blackadder: Have you ever been to Wales, Baldrick?
Baldrick: No, but I've often thought I'd like to.
Blackadder: Well, don't. It's a ghastly place. Huge gangs of sinewy men roam the valleys terrorizing people with their close-harmony singing. You need half a pint of phlegm in your throat just to pronounce the place names. Never ask for directions in Wales, Baldrick. You'll be washing spit out of your hair for a fortnight.

Blackadder: Crisis, Baldrick, crisis! No marriage, no money, more bills! For the first time in my life I've decided to follow a suggestion of yours. Saddle Prince George's horse.
Baldrick: Oh sir, you're not going to become a highway man, are you?
Blackadder: No, I'm auditioning for the part of Arnold the bat in Sheridon's new comedy.
Baldrick: Oh, that's all right then.
Blackadder: Baldrick, have you no idea what irony is?
Baldrick: Yeah! It's like goldy and bronzy, only it's made of iron

Edmund Blackadder: "Trial by water ?"
Witch Smeller "No, trial by axe ?"
Edmund Blackadder: "By, er axe."
Witch Smeller "Yes, by axe. The accused head is placed on a choping block with an
axe aimed at it. If the axe bounces off, the accused is guilty and
is burnt at the stake."
Edmund Blackadder: "And if he is innocent?"
Witch Smeller "The axe simply CUTS HIS HEAD OFF !"
Edmund Blackadder: "How very fair!"
- Witch Smeller Persuivant & Edmund Blackadder1

Edmund Blackadder: "One more insult from him and the contract between us will be as broken
as this milk jug."
Baldric: "But that milk jug isn't broken."
Edmund Blackadder: "You really do walk into these things, don't you Baldric ?"


George: "I've just had another brilliant idea."
Edmund: "Another one ?"
George: "Yes, you remember the one I had about wearing underpants
on the outside to save on laundry bills."


George: "Tell me about these oppressed masses. What's got them so
worked up ?"
Edmund Blackadder: "They're upset, sir, because they are so poor that they are
forced to have children merely to provide a cheap alternative
to turkey at Christmas."


Edmund Blackadder: "I wish to send some party invitations. In order to make them look
particularly fierce, I wish to sign them in blood. Your blood, to
be precise."
Baldrick "Ah, I see. Will you be requiring me to cut off an arm or a leg?"
Edmund Blackadder: "Good lord, no! A little prick will do."

Edmund Blackadder: "Baldric, why do you have a piece of cheese tied to your nose?
: "To catch mice, my lord. I lie on the ground with my mouth open
and hope they scurry in."
Edmund Blackadder: "Do they?"
Baldrick: "Not yet, my lord."
Edmund Blackadder: "I am not surprised. Your breath comes straight from Satan's bottom."
Later, Baldric walks in with a dead mouse tied to his nose...
Edmund Blackadder: "Why?"Baldrick "I got tired of the all-mouse diet, my lord.
I thought I'd try cat instead."


Edmund Blackadder: "First Name?"
Baldrick "I'm not sure."
Edmund Blackadder: "Come on, you MUST have a first name."
Baldrick "It might be Sod Off."
Edmund Blackadder: "Sod Off??"
Baldrick "Yeah, when I was a young lad playing in the gutter, I used to say to all
the other snipes, "Hello, my names Baldrick". And they'd say, "Yes we
know, Sod Off Baldrick"
- Blackadder and Baldrick filling a application form..

"Baldric, you wouldn't recognize a subtle plan if it painted itself purple
and danced naked on a harpsicord singing 'subtle plans are here again'."


Baldrick "I want my mother."
Edmund Blackadder: "Ah, yes. A maternally crazed gorilla would come in handy at this very
moment."


"That would be as hard as finding a piece of hay in an incredibly
large stack of needles." - Edmund Blackadder

George "If we do happen to step on a mine, Sir, what do we do ?"
Edmund Blackadder: "Normal procedure, Lieutenant, is to jump 200 feet in the air and
scatter oneself over a wide area."


What are you wearing around your neck? Ah. It's my new ruff. You look
like a bird who's swallowed a plate. It's the latest fashion, actually,
and as a matter of fact it makes me look _rather sexy_... To another
plate-swallowing bird, perhaps...if it was blind and hadn't had it in months..
. -- Edmund and Percy : Head

You are to be congratulated, my friend. We live in an age where illness
and deformity are commonplace, and yet Ploppy, you are without a
doubt the most...repulsive individual I've ever met. I would shake
your hand, but I fear it would come off.
-- Edmund : Head

We're training up our new executioner, and he's a little immature.
Takes him forever. Slash, slash, slash...by the time he's finished
you don't so much need a spike as a toast rack...
-- Edmund : Head

Try again. One..two..three.._four_! So how many are there? Three. What?
...and that one.
-- Edmund and Baldrick : Head

Unfortunately I already have a servant.
The word is...that your servant is the worst servant in London.
Mmm..that's true. Baldrick, you're fired. Be out of the house in
ten minutes.
-- Kate and Edmund : Bells

Tell me young crone...is this Putney?
That it be!...That it be!...
...'Yes it is', not 'That it be'. You don't have to talk to me in that
stupid voice, I'm not a tourist.
-- Edmund and crone : Bells

Hag: "Two things you must know about the wise woman. First...she is a woman. Second...she is..."
Edmund Blackadder: "Wise?"
Hag: "Oh! You know her then?"
Edmund Blackadder: "No, just a stab in the dark, which is what you'll be getting in a
minute if you don't become more helpful."
- Edmund Blackadder to Old Hag, Bells, Blackadder2

Potato? ...No thanks, I don't.
-- Melchett and Edmund : Potato

Why, in the Cape, the rain beats down so hard,it makes your head bleed.
Oh...some sort of hat is probably in order.
-- Raleigh and Edmund : Potato

And in Genoa, 'tis now the fashion to pin a live frog to the shoulder-
braid, stand on a bucket, and go 'Bibble' at passers-by.
-- Edmund to Queenie : Head

The foremost cartographers of the land have prepared this for you.
(Hands Edmund a scroll)...
It's a map of the area you'll be traversing
(Edmund unrolls it ; it is blank on both sides)...They'd be very
grateful if you could just fill it in as you go along...
-- Melchett : Potato

A conversation with you, Baldrick, and somehow, death loses its sting..
-- Edmund : Money

Yes Percy, I don't want to be pedantic or anything, but the colour of
gold is _gold_. That's why it's called gold. What you have discovered
...if indeed it has a name...is some..._green_.
-- Edmund : Money

Quick! Melchett's dying! We must do something!
Of course...Some sort of celebration...
-- Queenie and Edmund : Beer

What I drank last night would have floored a rhinoceros!
...If it was allergic to lemonade, that is.
-- Melchett and Edmund : Beer

You twist and turn like a...twisty turny thing. You're a weedy pigeon,
Blackadder, and you can call me Susan if it isn't so.
-- Melchett : Beer

Blackadder, what are you saying? What of loyalty? Honour? Self-respect?
t of them? ...Nothing.
-- Melchett and Edmund : Chains

You see, you know they say that somewhere there's a bullet with your
name on it?
Yeeees.... Well, I thought if I _owned_ the bullet with my name on it,
I'd never get hit...'cos I won't ever shoot myself. Oh. Shame.
-- Baldrick and Edmund : Captain Cook

Who was it then, Captain? (replacing receiver) Strangely enough, it was
Pope Gregory the Ninth, inviting me for drinks aboard his steam yacht,
the 'Saucy Sue', currently wintering in Montego Bay with the English
cricket team and the Balinese Goddess of Plenty.
Really? ...No, not really.
-- Baldrick and Edmund : Captain Cook

Take a look at this - I'm sure you know it. 'King and Country'.
Ah yes...without doubt my _favourite_ magazine. Soft, strong...and
thoroughly absorbent. Tophole, Blackadder, I thought it would be
right up your alley...
-- Melchett and Edmund : Captain Cook

They're firing, sir!! They're firing!!!
...Thank you, Lieutenant. If they hit _me_, you'll be sure to point it
out, won't you.
-- George and Edmund : Captain Cook

I want to see how a war is fought, _so_ badly. Well, you've come to the
right place, then. There hasn't been a war run this badly since King Otto
the Incredibly Stupid ordered 8,000 viking helmets with the horns on the
inside.
-- Bob and Edmund : Major Star

Trust you to try and skive off to some cushy option. There's nothing cushy
about life in the Women's Auxiliary Balloon Corps!
-- Edmund and Cpt. Darling : Private Plane

Security isn't a dirty word, Blackadder. Crevice is a dirty word.
-- Melchett : General Hospital

"The Germans are such a cruel and inhuman race, they have no word for
fluffy"
- Blackadder4

Don't worry, I could go on all night!
Not with a bayonet through your neck, you couldn't.
-- Baldrick and Edmund : Goodbyeee...

I will return before you can say, 'Antidisestablishmentarianism'.
Well, I wouldn't be too sure about that. Antidistibbilitz...
Antimisdibbilince.... (Caption : Two Days Later)
....Antidistinctlymintymempsbalism...
-- Edmund and George : Dish and Dishonesty

Some fellow said that I had the wit and sophistication of a donkey.
Oh, an absurd suggestion, sir.
You're right. It is absurd. Unless, of course, it was a particularly
_stupid_ donkey...
-- George and Edmund : Ink and Incapability

Do you speak English? Ah...a little. Yes - when you say 'a little'
what exactly do you mean, I mean can we talk, or are we going to spend
the rest of the afternoon asking each other the way to the beach in very
loud voices?
No - I can order coffee...deal with waiters...make sexy chit-chat
with girls, that sort of thing...just don't ask me to take a
physiology class or direct a light opera...
-- Edmund and Count Frufru - Nob and Nobility

I can't see the point in the theatre. All that sex and violence.
I get enough of that at home. Apart from the sex, of course.
-- Baldrick : "Sense and Sensibility"

...thirty-nine are mad. Well, they sound ideal. They would be if they
hadn't all got married last week in Munich to the same horse.
-- Edmund and Baldrick : Amy and Amiability

His life is so dark and shadowy and full of fear and trepidation.
So is going to the toilet in the middle of the night, but you don't
keep a scrapbook on it.
-- Baldrick and Edmund : Amy and Amiability

Prince George is shy, and just _pretends_ to be bluff and crass,
and unbelievably thick and gittish.
-- Edmund to Amy : Amy and Amiability

Never ask for directions in Wales, Baldrick, you'll be washing
spit out of your hair for a fortnight.
-- Edmund : Amy and Amiability

Mind, sir, or I shall take off my belt, and by thunder! my trousers
will fall down.
-- Mr Hardwood : Amy and Amiability

Leave me alone, Baldrick. If I'd wanted to talk to a vegetable,
I'd have bought one at the market.
-- Edmund : Duel and Duality

Oh, God. Fortune vomits on my eiderdown once more.
-- Edmund : Duel and Duality

A man may fight for many things. His country, his principles, his
friends. The glistening tear on the cheek of a golden child. But
personally, I'd mud-wrestle my own mother for a ton of cash, an
amusing clock and a sack of French porn.
-- Edmund : Duel and Duality

Queeny : It would appear that Edmund and Melchard have vanished.
Percy : Like an old oak table.
Queeny : Er, no, vanished, not varnished.
Queeny : Percy, it's up to you, either you shut up, or I cut your head off.
Percy : Ermm er hmmm errmmm ..... I'll shut up.
Queeny : Wise choice.
Queeny : And you, did you miss me ?
Blackadder : Life without you ma'am is like a broken pencil.
Queeny : Explain !! Blackadder : Pointless.
Blackadder : Thank you, here's a purse of monnies ....
.... which I'm not going to give you.
Blackadder : Now remember, we're not at home to mister cockup
A little later in the episode...
Baldrick : Shall I prepare the guest room for Mr Cockup?
Blackadder : Now this is called ADDING. If I take two beans, and I add
two more beans, how many beans do I have ?
Baldrick : Some beans.
Blackadder : Now look ! Two beans and two more beans...
...what do I have ?
Baldrick : A very small casserole ?
Blackadder : My life is strewn with cowpats from the devil's
satanic herd!!!

Blackadder : Look, am I paying for all this abuse ?
Doctor : No, it's all part of the service...
...well I've given this case a lot of consideration
and I can recomend a .......
Blackadder : .......course of leeches ?

Melchat unrolls an immense piece of paper and begins to read...
Melchat : List of candidates for the post of Minister for Religous
Genocide .... One .... Lord Blackadder ( PAUSE )
Melchat rolls up the list.
Blackadder : Ah ha.

[mistral4543]

I love the Blackadder series, too!

That's why I bought the compilation of all the scripts (up to Blackadder Goes Forth)

If you're really into it and haven't already got it (I have ), the DVD now features an animated feature film based on Blackadder in modern day. It's quite a scream too [img]smile.gif[/img]

[Deejax]

Oh, man, I LOVE blackadder. Much better then mr Bean IMO.

I have an MP3 of 'baldrick's plan' at home, where Edmund explains a _few_ shortcomings of Baldrick's brilliant plan. ROFL

[Zuvio]

Originally posted by Deejax: Oh, man, I LOVE blackadder. Much better then mr Bean IMO.

That can't even be a comparison!!