Cloudy's Cafe, a conversation zone-June 19, 2006

[N^N]

I'm going to Maine for a week to sail in the Atlantic (not across it lol). Was going to go to England with some friends, but it turned out to be too expensive.

[Captain Obvious]

Oh come on DA! that is just silly! i hate to be blunt, but if you think you are man enough to get married, how can you not be man enough to tell your parents???
I dont know how old you are, but dude! Marriage is some serious shit brother, and you gotta be ready. A little plan to run off and get married without telling anyone is just stupid!

So i guess my question about whether you wnet and got her parents blessing is answered?

I think it is great you are in love man, but dont run off and elope and deny your families the chance ot share in and celebrate your union. I never realised until after i was married that it is actually as much about you joining her family and vice versa as it is about the wedding night fun (which is not to be overlooked)

One of the best things about being married (apart from having a wife i adore and treasure) is that i am a part of this whole new family. I have new parents (in a good way), new sisters, and new borthers.

Have a solid think about this man, dont do anything you will regret. If this girl is the one, you have your whole lives together, so you may as well start out right!


*end of rant*

[DrowArchmage]

I will keep this as short as possible because it is rather her buisness.

She is adpoted. Her parents are not supportive at all, and i have honestly not met them and have no desire to do so until nessesary.She thinks my family hates her and thinks my friends think she's racist, which she is NOT! I have thought about it a lot and cant think of anything else to do. I was informed by her yesterday i am the only person she has left besides her best friend.

I am out of options.

[Madman-Rogovich]

She sounds a bit paranoid dude, maybe a bit of RnR is in order?

[Captain Obvious]

Hate to say it DA, but sounds like the girl has issues. PLEASE dont get offended, but it might be time to run a mile (alone, not eloping)

Like with her parents, wht do you mean they are not supportive? financially? towards you? To be totally honest, if my Daughter was getting seriously involved with some guy i had never met, i would struggle to be supportive as well.

Perhaps you could suggest that as a way to come to terms with her folks, you could spend some time with them? i mean, it breaks the ice, lets you get to know her a LOT better, and if you act with honour and respect, will earn you Mucho Kudos from her family.

As for your family, you know them better than her, and i seriously doubt they hate her. THey may not be happy with changes in you, or the fact that their son is getting serious with someone they hardly know - they love you and want you to be happy; and i hate to say it, but they will be right about your relationshipp choices most of the time.

AS for your friends; there is obviously some history there with the whole race issue, but talk to your friends, ask them to be honest and tell you what they think. If you do ask them, expect to hear the truth, and dont get mad. Love is blind; your mates are not.

the whole "you are all i have left" is a guilt trip/cry for attention/sympathy gathering exercise if ever i heard one. I am sure she has had it rough, but i guarantee pretty much everyone here has had shit happen. By all means, be there to hELP her work throguh things, but dont fall for that crap man, cause later down the track you will be emotionally imprisioned and never be able ot leave.

My ex was a little like that; threatened to kill herself if i ever left her. When it came down to it, i had to leave. She is still alive, BTW.

I am assuming you are both young, so use your head and seriously think about things.

Good luck man

[T-D-C]

I would listen to Captain. Been there done that, got the tee shirt.

Don't go off an elope. It willc ause ALOT more friction in the long run. BTW how old are the both of you ?

[Bungleau]

Aaauuggghhh!!! It's the old geezers helping the young'un thread! Well, let me pull up my walker and share a few thoughts...

First, none of us here know exactly what she's going through, or exactly what the two of you are dealing with or will have to deal with. So that makes us about as authoritative as the writing inside a fortune cookie to some extent [img]smile.gif[/img]

However, we've seen a few things along the way. And your posts raise warning signs to me, and to others, as you can see.

On a side note, there is a category of overly dependent person who tries to separate you from your friends, family, and others, and keep you just for themself. That can be abusive, and while I'm sure it's nothing related to what's going on, I can tell you that phrases like "I've got no one left but you" are common for those folks. I suspect one of our resident psychology aficionados can explain more of that.

First and foremost... just because a child is adopted does *NOT* mean that the parents love that child any less than a biological child. I have friends who are adopted, and friends who have adopted. Adopting a child is one of the most loving things you can do. I'll bet you dinner that her parents do love her, and do support her. And if you asked them, they'd tell you that.

Second, part of a parent's job is to prepare their children to live in the real world without their parents' support. That doesn't mean that their parents don't support them; rather, it means that parents have to let their children sink or swim on their own. And sometimes as a parent, you can see bad things about to happen, and you just have to let them happen. You can't always be the superhero and save your child.

I'll tell you right now that my six-year-old son runs back and forth between loving me like there's no tomorrow and deciding that I'm the meanest person in the world. Sometimes within the span of 20 seconds, too! It's normal... and it's about letting him learn consequences and decision-making. I'd rather have him do that on a bicycle than behind the wheel of a car...

Next, growing up is getting your parents mad at you. I did it, I'm sure others have, and I'm sure my kids will in a few years. There's a challenge for the parents to continue to love their children, and sometimes to let them make mistakes. It is *NOT* the parents' obligation to fix every mistake and right every wrong. That ends somewhere around ten, right around when band-aids aren't the best cure for everything under the sun.

Next in line, remember that parents are human too. Kids don't come with instruction manuals, not even adopted kids. You have to learn as you go, and sometimes as a parent, you make mistakes. I've done it with my kids, and I've apologized to them. It's hard sometimes, but it has to be done.

Sixth (or whatever), if you're going to elope, do it because you're running toward something, not away from something. I have friends who, while they didn't elope, did the justice of the peace thing. I got permission to skip school to attend... they were divorced within three years, IIRC. To my knowledge, neither one has really recovered from it, and it's been 20 years.

As a dad, I can tell you what I've told my kids already, and will continue telling them: I'll always love them, even though I may not like the things that they do. It may not be easy, but I will do it. I suspect that deep down, her parents are the same way.

Humans are not solitary creatures. They need their packs, small though they may be. Don't cut yourself off from both packs before you need to.

Good luck.

[DrowArchmage]

I don't know where she is, cant find her, cant get ahold of her. Should I be worried? I understand that i should give her some space,but for two days?

CO, i know that line was an attention plead, I am, as my brother put it, young and stupid.I think i may have rushed into it, and she knows it as well as i do. Its not something i can just back out of, but when i find her, we'll have a long talk about it.

[robertthebard]

I'd say that if she's under this much pressure now, and cracking, she's not going to handle married life very well either. Good luck, mate, hope it works out for the best, whichever way that may actually be.

[Cloudbringer]

DA, I'd recommend a long engagement if you both still want to try it. Giving yourselves a few years to get used to the idea of marriage, to seriously discuss it and all the consequences of joining yourselves for life AND to alllow your families time to adjust to you as a couple.

Age may be a factor, but then again, I'll just let you know that I met my hubby online, went out to see him in person 4 mos later, then about a year after we'd first met and after MANY discussions (by phone and voicechat as well as text) he moved out to where I live.

It was a year later that we got formally engaged (even though 'unofficially' we knew that's where we were headed) and a year after that we finally did get married.

All I can say is trust me on this one. The time you're engaged is important to your relationship and your family ties. [img]smile.gif[/img] What the other 'oldsters' have said above is all valid and good advise and I hope you can work things out.

Oh, and don't be worried about a day or two apart at this point.. if one or both of you do feel it's too fast (and you are the best judges of that and how it makes you feel!) then it's natural to need some breathing time to work it out for yourselves.


Wellard... ROTFL! Sure thing.. I'll just hop back up on the roof and do some cleaning..... or not! LOL May have to install one of those binocular viewer gizmos and charge for the view if landing on the roof is gonna be a common occurence. [img]graemlins/biglaugh.gif[/img] (Ok, for anyone who didn't catch it- THIS is what Wellard's yanking my chain about!

N^N - have a good time sailing! Watch out for those nasty storms we've been having all summer, though.

Madman, I hope you can find a method that works for you. LOL at the electric shock idea.. could be painful, though! Iron Greasel, you sadist, you!


We're getting a new table and chairs for the patio this weekend.. gonna need to do a barbecue, methinks!

Well, I need to do some work around the office, so I'll see you folks later!