Resurrecting the Joke thread... heh heh heh

[Charean]

My sister-in-law and nephew Eddy were digging for fishing bait in my mother-in-law's garden. Uncovering a many-legged creature, Eddy proudly dangled it before his mother. "No, honey, he won't do for bait," his mother said. "He's not an earthworm." "He's not?" Eddy asked, his eyes wide. "What planet is he from?"

***********************

Just as she was celebrating her 80th birthday, our friend received a jury-duty notice. She called to remind the people at the clerk's office that she was exempt because of her age.

"You need to come in and fill out the exemption forms," they said.

"I've already done that," she replied. "I did it last year."

"You have to do it every year," she was told.

"Why?" came the response. "Do you think I'm going to get younger?"

**************************
Late for work already, I was annoyed to find a strange car in my reserved parking space again. After locating a spot far away, I stormed into my office determined to have the car towed. As the morning wore on, however, my anger mellowed, and I decided to give the driver another chance.

During lunchtime, I went outside and left this note on the driver's windshield: "Please don't take my parking space. If you do, and your car disappears, don't say I never towed you!"

************************

A man walks into a shoe store and tries on a pair of shoes.

"How do they feel?" asks the sales clerk.

"Well ...they feel a bit tight," replies the man.

The assistant promptly bends down and has a look at the shoes and the mans feet. "Try pulling the tongue out," offers the clerk.

Theyth sthill feelth a bith tighth," he replied

***************************

Kentucky: Two men tried to pull the front off a cash machine by running a chain from the machine to the bumper of their pickup truck. Instead of pulling the front panel off the machine, though, they pulled the bumper off their truck. Scared, they left the scene and drove home. With the chain still attached to the machine. With their bumper still attached to the chain. With their vehicle's license plate still attached to the bumper.

South Carolina: A man walked into a local police station, dropped a bag of cocaine on the counter, informed the desk sergeant that it was substandard cut, and asked that the person who sold it to him be arrested immediately.

Indiana: A man walked up to a cashier at a grocery store and demanded all the money in the register. When the cashier handed him the loot, he fled--leaving his wallet on the counter.

England: A German "tourist," supposedly on a golf holiday, shows up at customs with his golf bag. While making idle chatter about golf, the customs official realizes that the tourist does not know what a "handicap" is. The customs official asks the tourist to demonstrate his swing, which he does--backward! A substantial amount of narcotics was found in the golf bag.

Arizona: A company called "Guns For Hire" stages gunfights for Western movies, etc. One day, they received a call from a 47-year- old woman, who wanted to have her husband killed. She got 4-1/2 years in jail.

Texas: A man convicted of robbery worked out a deal to pay $9600 in damages rather than serve a prison sentence. For payment, he provided the court a check--a *forged* check. He got 10 years.

(Location Unknown): A man went into a drug store, pulled a gun, announced a robbery, and pulled a Hefty-bag face mask over his head--and realized that he'd forgotten to cut eyeholes in the mask.

(Location Unknown): A man successfully broke into a bank after hours and stole--are you ready for this?--the bank's video camera. While it was recording. Remotely. (That is, the videotape recorder was located elsewhere in the bank, so he didn't get the videotape of himself stealing the camera.)

(Location Unknown): A man successfully broke into a bank's basement through a street-level window, cutting himself up pretty badly in the process. He then realized that (1) he could not get to the money from where he was,(2) he could not climb back out the window through which he had entered, and (3) he was bleeding pretty badly. So he located a phone and dialed "911" for help ...

Virginia: Two men in a pickup truck went to a new-home site to steal a refrigerator. Banging up walls, floors, etc., they snatched a refrigerator from one of the houses, and loaded it onto the pickup. The truck promptly got stuck in the mud, so these brain surgeons decided that the refrigerator was too heavy. Banging up *more* walls, floors, etc., they put the refrigerator BACK into the house, and returned to the pickup truck, only to realize that they locked the keys in the truck--so they abandoned it.

(Location Unknown): A man walked into a Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled-- leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer? Fifteen dollars.

[Charean]

Along the "Who's on First" type humor...

Ian works in a coffee, bagels, and sandwiches trailer on the campus of the University of New Hampshire. Vinnie is his boss and the owner of the truck, and yes, this actually happened. Ian is telling the story:

This declaration of the stupid award goes to a customer today. Below is a close rendition of the conversation with her.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lady: Yes, I'd like a milk with some coffee in it.
Ian: So, that's just a splash of coffee in a milk?

Lady: No, a regular amount of milk, but not coffee.
Ian: Is there more milk or coffee?

Lady: Oh, definitely more coffee.
Ian: So, that's a coffee with some extra milk.

Lady: Just the usual amount of milk.
Ian: A coffee with milk.

Lady: Yes.
Ian: Anything else?

Lady: A little extra milk, and do you have coffee with no caffeine?
Ian: We do have decaf.

Lady: No, I don't want decaf, just some coffee without the caffeine.
Ian: Ma'am, that's what decaf means, no caffeine.

Lady: Oh, then do you have milk with no caffeine?
Ian: Milk doesn't come with caffeine.

Lady: Yes it does.
Ian: Not that I know of, where do you get your milk?

Lady: It doesn't say caffeine-free on the milk, so it must have caffeine.
Ian: Oh, you're right, my mistake. I forgot that we only get the decaf milk. No problem, we have only decaf milk. Anything else?

Lady: Do you have any bagels?
Vinnie: (who has been listening all along) I'm sorry, ma'am, we're all out of decaf bagels.
Lady: Oh, well, then I'll have one of those, with sesame seeds.
Vinnie: We're all out, ma'am.

Lady: Well, what are those? (pointing at sesame bagels)
Vinnie: Those are sesame donuts with extra caffeine added.

Lady: I guess I'll just have the coffee. Do you take credit cards?
Ian: No ma'am, cash only.

Lady: What about Visa?
Ian: Is that a credit card?

Lady: Well, yes.
Vinnie: Is it cash?

Lady: No.
Vinnie: Then no, we can't take it.

Lady: What about checks?
Ian: Cash ma'am, nothing else.

Lady: Ok. how much is that?
Vinnie: Eleven dollars and 45 cents. (insert: for a cup of coffee, if you missed that.)
Lady: Really?
Vinnie: New war in Alaska is ruining the coffee business, plus you wanted the coffee with no caffeine, that's hard to find now, had to grow it myself.

Lady: Ok. (proceeds to write a check)
Vinnie: Please leave.

Lady: Why?
Vinnie: You're raising my blood pressure, leave now.

Lady: But what about my coffee?
Vinnie: Leave and never return.

She leaves, but pays the $11.45 first.

[Charean]

How agri-corporations around the world would treat their cows.

NORTH AMERICAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when the cow drops dead.

FRENCH: You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows.

JAPANESE: You have two cows. You redesign them to 1/10 the size of ordinary cows, producing 20 times the milk. You then create clever cow cartoons called Cowkimon and market them worldwide.

GERMAN: You have two cows, re-engineered so they'll live for 100 years, eat once a month and milk themselves.

BRITISH: You have two cows. Both are mad.

RUSSIAN: You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42. You count them again and learn you have 12. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

SWISS: You have 5,000 cows. None belongs to you. You charge others for storing them.

HINDU: You have two cows. You worship them.

CHINESE: You have two cows and 300 people milking them. You claim full employment, high bovine productivity and arrest the newsman who questions the numbers.

**********************************
"Hello, is this Father O'Malley?"

"It is."

"This is the IRS. Can you help us?"

"I can."

"Do you know a Ted Houlihan?"

"I do."

"Is he a member of your congregation?"

"He is."

"Did he donate $10,000.00?"

(pause)

"He will."

[Charean]

The orthopedic surgeon I work for was moving to a new office, and his staff was helping transport many of the items.

I sat the display skeleton in the front of my car, his bony arm across the back of my seat. I hadn't considered the drive across town. At one traffic light, the stares of the people in the car beside me became obvious, and I looked across and explained, "I'm delivering him to my doctor's office."

The other driver leaned out of his window. "I hate to tell you, lady," he said, "but I think it's too late!"

****************************
WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD? (aka Star Trek Chickens)

Chakotay: Whatever its reason, whatever its goals, we should respect its right to cross the road and seek its own spiritual awareness.

Neelix: Actually, Captain, I'm not really familiar with the chickens in this system. But, if you can catch it, I can cook it.

Riker: I don't know why, but I know how: with pleasure, sir.

Worf: I don't know. KLINGON chickens do NOT cross roads.

HoloDoc: How should I know? No one tells me anything around here. I didn't even know we added chickens to the crew. All I know is that it would have been nice, BEFORE the chicken went off to the cross the road, if it had remembered to turn me off!

Dr. Crusher: If there's nothing wrong with the chicken, there must be something wrong with the universe.

Scotty: Because she couldna take much morrrrrre.

Odo: I don't know, but I'm sure it must be Quark's fault.

Quark: Who, me?

Kirk: You chicken bastard, you killed my son...YOU chicken BASTARD, you killed...my SON...you CHICKEN bastard....youkilledmy...son!

Troi: I feel the chicken's pain!

Kira: It was probably being chased by those cursed Cardassians.

Bones: Dammit, I'm a doctor, not an ornithologist!

Data: The chicken, in observing that it was on the opposite side of the 20th century Terran paved roadway, was aware that its immediate goal should have been to traverse the distance without interception by any kind of combustion-propelled personal transport vehicle, but I am unclear as to why any kind of domesticated fowl should desire to perambulate upon a conveyance normally reserved for the usage of . . . yes, sir.

The Borg: Crossing the road is irrelevant. The chicken will be assimilated.

Hugh the Borg: Maybe it just needed a big hug!

B'Elanna: I'm sure it felt suffocated by all the bleeping regulations of bleeping Starfleet and just couldn't stand it any longer!

Picard: There are four lights!

Q: Wouldn't you like to know? Too bad your puny human brain wouldn't be able to comprehend the answer.

Uhura: Shall I open hailing frequencies so you can ask it, sir?

Tasha: That depends...was it fully functional?

Chekov: It must have been on its way to assist in saving my life for the billionth time . . . did I scream this time?

Khan: With my last breath I spit at the chicken...

Harry: I don't know, it's my first mission.

Paris: Well, I think that...say, that's a lovely shirt you're wearing.

Harry Mudd: Chicken? I don't remember any chicken. No no no, there's been a terrible misunderstanding.

Janeway: Its primary goal was no doubt to get back to the Alpha Quadrant...and it probably misses its dog.

Nurse Chapel: Oh, Spock!

Lwaxana: Oh, Jean-Luc!

Spock: Fascinating, Captain.

V'Ger: To join with the Creator.

The Grand Nagus: Stupid chicken! You don't cross the road all at once! You sneak across it quietly, without anyone noticing!

Gul Dukat: Well, that's a very interesting question...I'm sure we can work out some kind of arrangement to obtain that information that will be to everyone's satisfaction.

Kes: It was remembering back to the times when its ancestors crossed roads all the time! They lost those abilities because they stopped using them!

O'Brien: No problem, Commander, I'll get right on it.

Wesley: I'm not sure, but I can figure it out if I reroute these systems and reconfigure the warp field and run a complete internal whootchacallit on the computers and . . .

Sisko: It was seeking deeper meaning. Jake, do you see what we've learned from all this?

Geordi: Well, wherever it's going, I'm sure it'll have more luck with women than I do.

Sulu: Don't call me Tiny!

Sarek: Sometimes logic fails me where chickens are concerned.

Mr. Homn:

Dax: To get to the other side. Kurzon might have disagreed with me, Tobin I'm sure wouldn't have had a clue,and then there's . . .

Tuvok: That's not a question we'd prefer to hear from a senior officer. It makes the junior officers nervous.

***************************

STRESS DIET

BREAKFAST: 1/2 grapefruit
1 slice whole wheat toast
8oz skim milk

LUNCH: 4oz broiled chicken
1 cup steamed zucchini
1 Oreo cookie
1 cup herb tea

AFTERNOON
SNACK: Rest of the package of Oreo cookies
1qt Rocky Road ice cream
1 jar hot fudge

DINNER: 2 loaves garlic bread
1 large pepperoni & mushroom pizza
1 pitcher of beer/soda pop
3 candy bars
1 entire cheesecake eaten directly from the freezer

DIET TIPS: 1. If no one sees you eat it, it has no calories

2. If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, they
will cancel each other out.

3. Food taken for medicinal purposes does not count.
This includes chocolate, brandy, toast, and
Sara Lee chocolate cake.

4. If you fatten up everyone around you, you'll look
thinner.

5. Pieces of cookies contain no calories. The process
of breaking causes calorie leakage.

6. Late-night snacks have no calories. The refrigerator
light is not strong enough for the calories to see
their way into the calorie counter.

7. You should all remember science class from school.
A "calorie" is a unit of heat, therefore cold foods
have no calories. Ice cream is frozen and is an excellent
diet food. It results in "negative" calories.

[Charean]

And in recognition of "Women in History" month, does anyone know the true significance of Sacajawea's involvement in the Lewis & Clark expedition?

It was the first documented trip in history where men asked a woman for directions and followed them, allowing them to arrive at their destination.

[the sauceman]

WOW.......
those are.....
interesting....

[the sauceman]

Oops, sorry, forgot to post a joke...

what do you call a white man pushing a caar uphill?
white power....

what do you call a balck man pushing a car uphill?
black power...

what do you call a hispanic pushing a car uphill?
GRAND THEFT AUTO!!!!

Ok, im sorry that was really bad, and im not rascist.

[Sir Mandorallen]

This one is kinda short... (unlike the monsters up there! plus its proboly not as funny... but its true. )

How do you know when a women is going to say something intelligent?
*
*
*
*
When she says... "A man once told me..."

[RudeDawg]

Originally posted by the sauceman: Oops, sorry, forgot to post a joke... what do you call a white man pushing a caar uphill? white power.... what do you call a balck man pushing a car uphill? black power... what do you call a hispanic pushing a car uphill? GRAND THEFT AUTO!!!! Ok, im sorry that was really bad, and im not rascist.

As the token Hispanic on the board, let me make this clear.

IT WASN'T ME !!! I swear, it was my cousin, Beto! [img]graemlins/hehe.gif[/img]

[J.J.]

to resurrect the joke thread, just search chamber of laughter in the subject line and add yours to it