Joke World 1-1

[Arvon]

A woman was in town on a shopping trip.
She began her day finding the most perfect shoes in the first shop and a beautiful dress on sale in the second.

In the third shop everything had just been reduced to a fiver when her cell phone rang.

It was a doctor notifying her that her husband had been in a terrible accident, was in critical condition, and in the ICU.

The woman told the doctor to inform her husband where she was and that she'd be there as soon as possible.

As she hung up she realized she was leaving what was shaping up to be her best shopping day ever.

She decided to get in a couple more shops before heading to the hospital and ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a cup of coffee and a beautiful slice of coffee cake, compliments of the last shop.

She was jubilant......then remembered her husband.

Feeling guilty, she dashed to the hospital where she saw the doctor in charge and she asked about her husband's condition.

The doctor, a woman, glared at her and shouted, "You finished your shopping trip .....didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself!

While you spent the past hours enjoying yourself, your husband has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit!

But let me tell you........it will be more than likely the last shopping trip you ever take because for the rest of his life he will require round the clock care.

And you'll be his care giver!

The woman, bowed down by guilt and shock, broke into loud sobs.

Patting her on the shoulder the lady doctor chuckled and said,

"I'm just pulling your leg....he's dead......what did you buy?"

[Arvon]

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v2.../superbowl.jpg

[Arvon]

Two friends, a Scotsman and a Jew, are out drinking one night. Eventually Nature calls, and so they head for the head. The Scotsman takes the lone urinal, and the Jew says that he has to take a dump anyway so he enters the stall. The usual noises are heard for a minute, and then the Jew says "Damn!"

"What's the matter?" inquires the Scotsman.

"Well, when I was pulling my pants up, I dropped a dime into the toilet."

The Scotsman joins the Jew in the stall to look at the sad sight. They both shake their heads in despair. Then the Scotsman reaches into his pocket and drops a quarter into the toilet.

"What did you do that for?!?" cries the Jew.

And the Scotsman sez, "Och, I'm not gonna stick my hand in there for a dime!"

[Arvon]

Self Evaluation Quiz

The following psychological test was developed by a think tank of top U.S. and European psychologists. The results are incredibly accurate in describing your personality with one simple question:

Which is your favourite Teletubby:

A. Yellow
B. Purple
C. Green
D. Red

(DECIDE BEFORE SCROLLING DOWN)
















Profile for Women:

A. If you chose the Yellow Teletubby: You are bubbly and cheerful. People come to you when troubled because you always make them feel better about themselves. You are apt to clash with Red Teletubby people!

B. If you chose the Purple Teletubby: You are active and erratic. You have many ideas and set high standards for yourselves and others. Stay away from Green Teletubby people, they tend to bring you down.

C. If you chose the Green Teletubby: You are calm and reliable. Family plays a major role in your life and you often sacrifice your needs to please others. Yellow Teletubby people are a good match for you.

D. If you chose the Red Teletubby: You are bold and emotional. You are fierce in your opinions and quick to anger, but stick by your friends through thick and thin. Purple and Red Teletubby people are an explosive combination.


Profile for Men:

A. If you chose the Yellow Teletubby: You are gay.

B. If you chose the Purple Teletubby: You are gay.

C. If you chose the Green Teletubby: You are gay.

D. If you chose the Red Teletubby: You are gay.

[Arvon]

"Know why they call it Rump Roast? No body would by it if they called it Cows Ass" --- LTCG

[Arvon]

Maurice Fox, 77, said in December he would comply with the wishes of the Kirkham Street Sports and Social Club of Paignton, England, to sit only by the front door so he could excuse himself when he needed to pass gas, which management said had become a problem. [BBC News, 12-4-07]

[Arvon]

J Phineas retired as an insurance claims adjuster and moved to his chalet up in the hills with a determination to Go Local.
So, of course, he first bought a chainsaw.

In a week, he brought the item back to Ludy's Saw 'N Chaw.

"It ain't no good," said Phineas. "Why, I can do better with a handsaw!"

Well, says Ludy, let's have a look-see. So he jerks on the pullcord and it goes, "Whappa-whirrr-rummmmmm!" and Phineas is wide-eyed.

"What's that noise?"