03-20-2001, 02:40 PM | #21 |
Banned User
Join Date: March 1, 2001
Location: New Jersey
Posts: 999
|
I hope this isn't over the edge,
A guy with a black eye boards his plane, takes his seat and notices that the guy next to him also has a black eye. He says to the guy, "What a coincidence, we both have black eyes. Mind if I ask how you got yours?" "Well, it just happened. It was a tongue twister accident. See I was at the ticket counter and this gorgeous blonde with the most massive breasts in the world was there. So instead of saying I'd like two tickets to Pittsburgh, I accidently said I'd like two pickets to Tittsburgh, and that's when she socked me a good one." The first guy replied, "Wow what a coincidence, mine was a tongue twister too. I was at the breakfast table and I wanted to say to my wife, "Please pour me a bowl of Honey Nut Cheerios, honey. But what I accidentally said was, "You riuned my life you evil self centered, fat assed bitch!" ------------------ Feel My Power Arcane Adept of the OHF, "So let it be written, So let it be done" |
03-20-2001, 02:42 PM | #22 |
Ma'at - Goddess of Truth & Justice
Join Date: March 1, 2001
Location: Delaware OH USA
Age: 47
Posts: 3,168
|
*snicker* heard that one before *snicker* not funny at all *snicker**gaffaw*
BK |
03-20-2001, 03:05 PM | #23 |
Hathor
Join Date: March 6, 2001
Location: Waxahachie, TX
Age: 60
Posts: 2,201
|
The Ultimate In RPG fun:
Top 10 skills you do not want other characters to have. 10) Musical : a bard can invoke this ability to cause everyone with in a 120' + 1' per level radius of the bard to start singing and dancing - Thapthim 9) The ability to find and point out misspellings and grammatical errors in every sentence other player characters or DM's issue. - ZanShay 8) Skill of Spam Posting! (**Valen shakes his wand of banning and post removal at Taradir**) - Taradir 7) Mimeing - Zaknephin 6) Play Musical Instrument: Accordion (+3 for Polkas) - Reviler 5) Summon Richard Simmons - Mooncaller 4) highly inaccurate fortune telling - DM: (rolls dice) Hmmmm, Marcia awakens from her clairvoyant trance and tells you all that the Duke's men, whom you all have been running away from for the past few days, don't want to hang you, but actually invite you to the Duke's nephew's 10th birthday - Amrynn Moonshadow 3) Spell of Infectious Papercut - Dukeleto 2) Breath of Doritos - KCR 1) Disco Mastery. In any sane society, this should cause an area-affect Fear with no save, to any intelligent creature in sight. Semi-intelligent creatures should be affected as a Confuse spell. - Battlepoet ------------------ Defender for the Light - Goodness knows there is a lot of Dark out there!! - Where are my matches? Wandering Joke of the Laughing Hyenas Laughter can be a Mighty Weapon - when wielded with pizazz and accuracy! What Ho!! |
03-20-2001, 03:23 PM | #24 |
Hathor
Join Date: March 6, 2001
Location: Waxahachie, TX
Age: 60
Posts: 2,201
|
This is clean, I swear!
Two nuns went out of the convent to sell cookies. One of them is known as Sister Mathematical (SM) and the other one is known as Sister Logical (SL). It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent. SL: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past half-hour? SM: Yes, I wonder what he wants. SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us. SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most. What can we do? SL: The only logical thing to do of course is that we have to start walking faster. SM: It is not working. SL: Of course it is not working. The man did the only obvious thing to do. He started to walk faster too. SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute. SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow both of us. So the man decided to go after Sister Logical. Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried because Sister Logical has not yet arrived. Finally, Sister Logical arrives. SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell us what happened! SL: The only logical thing happened. The man could not follow both of us, so he followed me. SM: So, what happened? Please tell us. SL: The only logical thing to happen. I started to run as fast as I could. SM: So what happened? SL: The only logical thing to happen. The man also started to run as fast as he could. SM: And what else? SL: The only logical thing to happen. He reached me. SM: Oh, no! What did you do then? SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up. SM: Oh, Sister. What did the man do? SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants. SM: Oh, no! What happened then? SL: Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than a man with his pants down. Oh, and you thought it was dirty... |
03-20-2001, 03:26 PM | #25 |
Hathor
Join Date: March 6, 2001
Location: Waxahachie, TX
Age: 60
Posts: 2,201
|
There was a beer party out in the woods and, all of a sudden there was a
downpour of rain and thunder. Two young men ran for about 10 minutes in the pouring rain, and finally reached their car just as the rain let up. They jumped in the car, started it up and headed down the road, laughing and, of course, still drinking one beer after the other. All of a sudden an old man's face appeared outside the passenger window, and he tapped lightly on the window! The man on the passenger side screamed out, "Ahhhhhhh! Look at my window!!! There's an old guy's face there!" (Was this a ghost?) The old man kept knocking, so the driver said, "Well, open the window a little and ask him what he wants!" So, the passenger rolled his window down part way and, scared out of his wits, said, "What do you want?" The old man softly replied, "Do you have any cigarettes?" The passenger, terrified, looked at the driver and said, "He wants a cigarette." "Well, give him a cigarette! HURRY!!" the driver replies. So he fumbles around with the pack and hands the old man a cigarette and yells to the driver, "Step on it!!!", rolling up the window in terror. Now going about 80 miles an hour, they calm down, and they start laughing again, and the passenger says, "What do you think of that?" The driver replies, "I don't know. How could that be? I am going pretty fast." Then all of a sudden AGAIN there is a knock, and there is the old man again. "Aaaaaaaaaaaaah, there he is again!" the passenger yells. "Well, see what he wants now!" yells back the driver. He rolls down the window a little ways and shakily says, "Yes?" "Do you have a light?" the old man quietly asks. The driver throws a lighter out the window at him and rolls up the window and yells, "STEP ON IT!" They are now going about 100 miles an hour and still guzzling beer, trying to forget what they had just seen and heard, when all of a sudden again there is more knocking! "OH MY GOD! HE'S BACK!" The passenger rolls down the window and screams in stark fear, "WHAT DO YOU WANT?" The old man replies, "You want some help getting out of the mud?" |
03-20-2001, 03:30 PM | #26 |
Hathor
Join Date: March 6, 2001
Location: Waxahachie, TX
Age: 60
Posts: 2,201
|
General Motors doesn't have a help line for people who don't know how to
drive. Imagine if they did... HelpLine: General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you? Customer: I got in my car and closed the door and nothing happened! HelpLine: Did you put the key in the ignition slot and turn it? Customer: What's an ignition? HelpLine: It's a starter motor that draws current from your battery and turns over the engine. Customer: Ignition? Motor? Battery? Engine? How come I have to know all these technical terms just to use my car? HelpLine: General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you? Customer: My car ran fine for a week and now it won't go anywhere! HelpLine: Is the gas tank empty? Customer: Huh? How do I know? HelpLine: There's a little gauge on the front panel with a needle and markings from 'E' to 'F'. Where is the needle pointing? Customer: It's pointing to 'E'. What does that mean? HelpLine: It means you have to visit a gasoline vendor and purchase some more gasoline. You can install it yourself or pay the vendor to install it for you. Customer: What? I paid $12,000 for this car! Now you tell me that I have to keep buying more components? I want a car that comes with everything built in! HelpLine: General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you? Customer: Your cars suck! HelpLine: What's wrong? Customer: It crashed, that's what wrong! HelpLine: What were you doing? Customer: I wanted to run faster, so I pushed the accelerator pedal all the way to the floor. It worked for a while and then it crashed and it won't start now! HelpLine: It's your responsibility if you misuse the product. What do you expect us to do about it? Customer: I want you to send me one of the latest version that doesn't crash any more! HelpLine: General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you? Customer: Hi, I just bought my first car, and I chose your car because it has automatic transmission, cruise control, power steering, power brakes, and power door locks. HelpLine: Thanks for buying our car. How can I help you? Customer: How do I work it? HelpLine: Do you know how to drive? Customer: Do I know how to what? HelpLine: Do you know how to drive? Customer: I'm not a technical person. I just want to go places in my car! |
03-20-2001, 03:36 PM | #27 |
Hathor
Join Date: March 6, 2001
Location: Waxahachie, TX
Age: 60
Posts: 2,201
|
BLONDE JOKE!!!
A blonde hurries into the hospital emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off. "How did this happen," the emergency room doctor asked her. "Well, I was trying to commit suicide," the blonde replied. "What?", sputtered the doctor. "You tried to commit suicide by shooting off the tip of your finger?" "No, silly!" the blonde said. "First I put the gun to my chest, and I thought, 'I just paid $6,000 for these breast implants. I'm not shooting myself in the chest.'" "So, then what?" asked the doctor. "Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought, 'I just paid $3,000 to get my teeth straightened. I'm not shooting myself in the mouth." "And then?" asked the doctor. "Then I put the gun in my ear, and I thought, 'This is going to make a loud noise.' So I put my finger in the other ear and then I pulled the trigger. |
03-20-2001, 03:41 PM | #28 |
Hathor
Join Date: March 6, 2001
Location: Waxahachie, TX
Age: 60
Posts: 2,201
|
Instructions For Your New Device
IMPORTANT! READ THIS BEFORE USING YOUR NEW DEVICE Congratulations! You have purchased an extremely fine device that should give you thousands of years of trouble-free service, except that you undoubtedly will destroy it via some typical bonehead consumer maneuver. Which is why we ask you to: Please, for God's sake, read this owner's manual carefully before you unpack the device... You already unpacked it, didn't you ? You unpacked it and plugged it in and turned it on and fiddle with the knobs, didn't you? And now your child, the same one who once shoved a Polish Sausage into your Video Cassette Recorder and set it to 'Fast Forward' is also fiddling with the knobs, right ? Hell, we might as well just break these damn things before we ship them out, you know that? Sorry! We just get a little crazy sometimes because we're always getting back 'defective' merchandise where it turns out that the consumer inadvertently bathed the device in Iced Tea for six days. So, in writing these instructions, we naturally tend to assume that your skull is filled with dead insects, but we mean nothing by it. OK? Now let's talk about: 1. UNPACKING THE DEVICE The device is encased in foam to protect it from the Shipping People, who like nothing more than to jab spears into outgoing boxes. Please inspect the contents carefully for evidence of spear jabs or bottle caps, pull tabs, candy wrappers and Lord knows what else. WARNING: Do not ever, as long as you live, throw away the box or any of the pieces of styrofoam, especially the ones shaped like peanuts. If you attempt to return the device to the store, and you are missing one single peanut, the store personnel will laugh in the chilling manner exhibited by Joseph Stalin just after he enslaved Eastern Europe. Besides the device, the box should contain: * Eight little rectangular snippets of paper that say 'WARNING' * A little plastic packet containing four 5/17 inch pilfer grommets * Two club-ended 6/93 inch boxcar prawns You will need to supply: * a matrix wrench * 60,000 feet of tram cable. If anything is damaged or missing: You immediately should turn to your spouse and say 'Margaret, you know why this country can't make a car that can get all the way through the drive-through at Burger King without a major transmission overhaul? Because nobody cares, that's why.' WARNING: This is assuming your spouse's name is Margaret, and not something else. 2. PLUGGING IN THE DEVICE The plug on this device represents the latest thinking of the electrical industry's Plug Mutation Group, which, in a continuing effort to prevent consumers from causing hazardous electrical current to flow through their appliances, developed the Three-Pronged Plug, then the plug where one prong is bigger than the other. Your device is equipped with the revolutionary new plug whose prongs consist of six small religious figurines made of chocolate. Adapters are sold separately and require 16 weeks for delivery. Please call 1-900-YOU-FOOL for current pricing. (You must be 18 or older to call; $17.95/minute. Average call duration: 3 hours) Do not try to plug it in! Lay it gently on the floor near an outlet, but out of direct sunlight, and clean it first with a damp handkerchief. Then, give us a call. 3. OPERATION OF THE DEVICE WARNING: We manufacture only the attractive designer case. The actual working parts are manufactured in Japan. The instructions were translated by Mrs. Shirley Peltwater of accounts receivable, who has never actually been to Japan (or anywhere else for that matter), but has a second cousin who once was. INSTRUCTIONS: For results that can be the finest, we advising that: NEVER to hold these buttons two times!! Except the battery. Next taking the (something) earth section may cause a large occurrence! However. If this is not a trouble, such rotation is a very maintenance action, as a kindly (something) virepoint from Drawing B. 4. WARRANTY Be it hereby known that this device, together with (but not excluding) all those certain parts thereunto, shall be warranted against all defects, failures and malfunctions as shall occur between now and next Thursday afternoon and shall be repaired/replaced at no cost to the owner. After that time, a slight service and shipping charge shall apply. Information on this extended warranty is available from Mr. Lance Haskill of the Last National Bank's Third Mortgage Department in Last Gasp, Wyoming. This warranty does not cover the attractive designer case. ------------------ Defender for the Light - Goodness knows there is a lot of Dark out there!! - Where are my matches? Wandering Joke of the Laughing Hyenas Laughter can be a Mighty Weapon - when wielded with pizazz and accuracy! What Ho!! |
03-20-2001, 03:46 PM | #29 |
Hathor
Join Date: March 6, 2001
Location: Waxahachie, TX
Age: 60
Posts: 2,201
|
New Fall TV Schedule
NBC 8:00 Friends 8:30 Girlfriends 9:00 One Guy with Several Female Friends 9:30 My Gay Friends 10:00 Friends You Wish You Had But Don't FOX 8:00 Real Humans in Real Pain 8:30 Feral Dingoes Eating Children on Tape 9:00 Jiggle It Beach 9:30 LA Chicks 10:00 Beverly Hills 90210: The 90,210th Episode UPN 8:00 The Unwatchables 8:30 Voyage To The Bottom Of The Ratings 9:00 Theoretically Existing Show 9:30 Praying For Syndication 10:00 The Last Thing You'd Ever Want To Sit Through WB 8:00 7th level of Hell 8:30 Gittin' Yo Freak On 9:00 Me & My Psychic 9:30 Kids Suck The Darndest Things 10:00 Dawson's Clothes PUBLIC ACCESS 8:00 Blurry Steve 8:30 Inaudible City Council Meeting 9:00 Do We Have A Caller On The Line? Hello? 9:30 The Best Of Lunch Menus 10:00 My Friend Made This Short Film 10:30 Men With Braids Speak Out E! 8:00 Andy Gibb: A Nightmare Descent Into Booze & Pills 8:30 John Belushi: A Nightmare Descent Into Booze & Pills 9:00 Margot Kidder: A Nightmare Descent Into Booze & Pills 9:30 River Phoenix: A Nightmare Descent Into Booze & Pills 10:00 Boy George: A Nightmare Descent Into Booze & Pills ESPN2 8:00 Finland's Brutalest Men 8:30 Being Hit By A Trolley Regional Semifinals 9:00 60 Minutes Of Joe Theismann's Leg Breaking 10:00 Coed Spread-Eagled Weight-Training From Maui LIFETIME 8:00 How Can I Choose Between My Daughters? 9:00 The Abused Wife Who Didn't Mean To Kill Her Policeman Husband in Self-Defense 10:00 The Boy Whose Mommy Watched Far Too Much Television TNN 8:00 Well, I'll Be Dipped in Pigturd! 8:30 Roadkill Recipe to Warm the Cockles of Your Heart 9:00 You Hush Up, Wanda Mae 9:30 Sheeeeeeee-ewt! 10:00 Hold 'Er Down While I Get the Rifle From the Truck TELEMUNDO 8:00 Roberto Amorosa en Agua Caliente! 9:00 Whoomp! Donde Esta? 9:30 Goooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooal! 10:00 Ai! Ai! Ai! Ai! Ai! 10:30 La Hora de Goya CINEMAX 8:00 Bare Ambition (Tanya Roberts) 8:30 Naked Exposition (Traci Lords) 9:00 Body Of Nudity (Dana Plato) 10:00 Unclothed Anguish (Joyce DeWitt) [This message has been edited by Charean (edited 03-20-2001).] |
03-20-2001, 04:13 PM | #30 |
Horus - Egyptian Sky God
Join Date: March 4, 2001
Location: either CA or MO
Age: 42
Posts: 2,674
|
Chareon, your post CRACKED ME UP!!!!
good work, and thx! |
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